Commute times

[Chris in VA]

If your home and life in your community is working well, I wouldn't mess with that right now because jobs are so fickle these days. Perhaps he could try the commute for 6-12 months before making a decision one way or another.

 

In the meantime, use Skype or Facetime at lunch time or later in the day for all the kids (and yourself) to talk to him. Have a plate of yummy food fixed for him and waiting in the frig. for when he gets home. Have the kids all bathed and quieted down. Adjust their bedtime a little later if needed so that he can see them and snuggle or talk for a little bit.

 

It's really hard to find a situation where the commute isn't too long, nor the work hours too long.

 

This is so kind.

[displace]

No way! Not with a family and kids unless it was a commute once a week or less. That's 3+ hours per day less with the family. Plus car wear and tear, if using conservative $.50 per mile... No.

 

I had an hour (or little less) commute one way before kids and it was horrible, only better with NPR, and only because DH and I worked in opposite cities and we lived halfway between.

 

Eta- if you live where there is any bad weather ever, it could be 2-3 hours one way on those days. If there are emergencies at home or at work it's bad too. I think DH and you have to decide if that job is worth relocation without assuming anything else like future positions or promotions.

[ScoutTN]

Agreeing with pp who said maybe for the short term, no how for the long term.

My mom did it for 18 years, but on a train and with an atypical schedule (in the office by 7), so it didn't take away evening family time. Also, she could work from home one day a week, two in the summer, and got lots of nice inernational travel with the work.

 

Another factor to consider is the cost of transportation itself. Does he have a company car?

A commute like that over the long haul wears a car out fast. Gas is cheap now, but might not stay that way.

We could not do it just because we drive very old cars and cannot afford to replace one right now.

[Cafdog]

DH had a 90 minute (each way) commute for 10 years.  It was really hard.  Soul-sucking, TBH.  We always ate dinner quite late, and when DD was small, he hardly saw her before bedtime.  It was also difficult to schedule appointments or ever count on him being home at a precise time, due to crummy Bay Area traffic.

 

 

Last year, we moved walking distance to his office.  We had to lose a bunch of $$$ on the house, and downsized considerably...but it was so, so worth it.

 

[bettyandbob]

I wouldn't do it without an end in mind.

 

1. 6months to a year until back at main office, yes

2. Telecommute half time, yes -- this might not have an end.

3. For a few months until my house rented or sold and I'd found my new place.

 

I might take the promotion and put my home up for rent. Then rent in the new place. When transfer/promotion brought me back to home office, I'd move back into the home i'd had.

[bethben]

My dh commuted for about an hour for all of my oldest's life - 15 years.  During the winter snow and construction times, it would be more like 1 1/2 hours each way.  He would leave before the kids got up and be back by supper-time which didn't leave him much time to interact with the kids before the youngers went to bed.   When he lost his job a few months ago, we decided that we would have to move - mostly to get rid of the commute time.  I am seeing the results of a life with a dh who had such long commutes.  He wants to be a good dad and be more involved but I had to really run things around here because he was gone so much.  His day was an 11 hour day.  I know lots of people do this, but now that my husband has moved to our next state to start work while I pack up the home, I am seeing that my kids don't seem to notice or miss his absence much.  They're used to him not being here much except weekends.  After we move, dh will have a 15 minute commute.  He's getting back 1 1/2 to 2 hours EVERY DAY to be dad to his children.  I would suggest NO NO NO NO!!!  Especially with the larger family you have.  You will feel like a single parent during the week and your children will learn to live without dad being a bigger influence in their lives.  Short term is one thing - beyond 6 months and it's really going to start changing the dynamics of your family.

[foxbridgeacademy]

DH had a 60+ minute one way commute when we lived in FL(more if he got off work a little late) but he used public transit so it wasn't horrible.  Right now his time is around 25 minutes each way and that's the max we will do.  If you didn't have little ones I'd suggest that he rent an efficiency style apartment or buy an RV to stay at during the week.   

 

We'd just move but my family is small and we like moving (we've lived in 6 states in the last 8 years).

[teachermom2834]

My dh had to take a job 1.75 hours from home and we are definitely moving.  In fact, he isn't even doing that drive in the short term while we sell the house.  He drives up Monday morning and stays in a cheap hotel and drives back Friday evening.  It just didn't make sense as a commute even in the short term.  He would be so tired and spend so much to drive it just seemed to only make sense to have him get a cheap hotel and come home on the weekends.

 

I will say, I am shocked at the number of people who think my husband is being selfish by not doing that drive everyday and the number of people that have suggested we not move and he just commute.  So, obviously people do it.  I can't imagine but that could partially be because my dh is one to lose track of time, work late, etc.  He wouldn't be walking out of the office at 5:00 pm on the dot every day so it would get really late, I am sure.

 

I will say that while I am ok with this arrangement as I can handle the kids on my own pretty well, it does change the family dynamic to have him gone.  We are trying to get the house sold and move asap to get things back to normal.  Dh is really left out of the family stuff and it is hard to integrate back in on the weekend.  I think that would be the same if he was just getting home very late due to the commute. 

 

We have been doing this 3 months now and it is getting old.  I wouldn't want to keep up this arrangement longer than necessary.

 

I get doing what has to be done for a job, though.  I really do.  But in that situation my dh would be staying where the job is during the week.  Too long to commute in my opinion.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

No, never. And we live in an area where longish commutes are pretty much the norm. My dad did a commute about that long for two years, but he only did it because he was waiting to be offered a retirement package (which he did get) and didn't want to leave the company before that happened. He was not a happy guy for those two years. It took everything out of him and left no time for anything else. It was an especially hard time between him and my mom, and they had no kids! 

 

My DH commutes an hour each way (sometimes longer depending on traffic), and while he's a laid back guy and doesn't mind driving, he is very much looking forward to an upcoming location change. I don't know that he would choose such a long commute again. 

 

[AngieW in Texas]

I have a commute time of 40-60 minutes right now. I am making it only because it is temporary for one school year. I really like the school where I am teaching. The other staff at the school are wonderful. I really enjoy the kids too, even though they are a tough group to work with (because we are a drop-out prevention school). But I can't do this long-term. 10 months is it.  If there were a closer campus of this school, I would definitely consider working there, but the closest campus to my house is only about 5 minutes closer.

 

Without traffic, I can make it there in 20 minutes one-way. But my school day is two hours longer than most because we run a morning session and an afternoon session. This puts me in the worst of the traffic both directions. I leave at 6:50am and get home about 5:50pm and then I have all of my prep and paperwork to do. I usually spend 2-4 hours getting ready for the next day when I get home. 

 

Next year my dd will be sharing the car with me, so she will have to drop me off and pick me up in order to use the car (which she will need to get to her classes at community college). I have to be somewhere that will have a round-trip commute of less than 45 minutes because my dd will be stuck in the car for a round-trip every morning and afternoon and then she will also have to drive to her classes, which are going to at more than one location.

[bethben]

Another thing I've thought about since posting last is that you also lose your husband's ability to help around the house.  Since my dh was gone most of the weekday, he would really want to spend the weekends catching up with the kids.  He is a good dad and wanted to have part in their lives.  Guess what doesn't happen when dh is being a good dad - household maintenance.  I just learned that if I wanted to have stuff fixed, I had to call the repairman or do it myself.  When my 14 year old got big enough, he started doing a lot of the lawn stuff, but a lot of other stuff fell on my shoulders or just didn't get done.  A honey-do list has been my list for the whole time we've been here.

 

So, before my dh lost his job, I came to a point where I just couldn't continue with life as it has been.  Homeschooling, every doctor appointment for my two medical kids, all the house maintenance, everything had been on my shoulders and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I was done.  We have a home that is completely wheelchair accessible (which is probably just as hard to find as a big family home) and we are giving it up so dh doesn't have to commute so long.  A home is one thing.  Having a dh who wants to be a good dad and have time to do it is priceless.  I also get to have less burden on my plate because it can now be share between us instead of me shouldering it all.