Jeana Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Do your kids seem to hate each other one minute and love each other the next. My dc 11,9 and 5 seem to argue all the time. Especially my 11db and 9 yr old DG. My oldest constantly corrects the girl and she is always feeling "stupid"! I have brought them up to look at each other as best friends etc. studied character traits, etc. However, the yelling, hateful speach still continues. Don't get me wrong they still play and have a great time but I feel like something is wrong. Have I missed something? Any suggestions? It really messes up my whole day. What a nightmare. Anyway, enought crying. I think the older two may be going through puberty. Especially my daughter, crying one minitue, yelling the next! UGH!! Suggestions anyone? Thanks, Jeana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alana in Canada Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 What are the consequences for "correcting?" We have sort of the same problem here. I remind the kids that's MY job, not theirs...and they have to wait until they have their own kids. It's the sin of self-righteousness in my son--and pride in my daughter. I haven't really come up with any consequences yet! We have a serious problem with speaking out of turn. In our house I ask a particular child a queston, by name. If the other answers, they don't get "called upon" to answer until much later. And fighting? Today they fought over which one would sit in a particular chair to review their Latin vocabulary at the computer. It took me a while (I sent them to their rooms and then realised that wouldn't work, lol!) but eventually I figured it out--I sat in the chair and they had to stand. And I made sure they said it all to my satisfaction! Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeana Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 My mother says it is just something all kids go through but I want peace harmony and love in my home. Not hatefulness etc. I don't want my daughter feeling inferiory but it is still a choice she is making to feel that way. They miss out on whatever they ask me for next. Last night they missed out on family movie night and it devasted them. However, next day all is the same. I think it is just a learning phase for us all to get through. I am really not enjoying it. My mom always said bigger kids, bigger problems. Now I understand that waking up in the middle of the night wasn't all that bad. :). Thanks, jeana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
threecsnme Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I can certainly relate. Every since my oldest hormones kicked in( around age 11), the bickering began between her and her brother. She would have spats of being normal one moment, and crying the next for no reason. Thankfully, as she is getting older it seems to be leveling out a little. I had many conversations with her about how important it is to realize your hormones are making you feel this way. Also discussed tools for managing them. My two children are best friends one minute, the next yelling at one another also. I have tried many things as far as discipline. What works the best for me is grounding my kids from friends, computer, etc. unless they do it together. This forces them to learn how to work together quickly. This will stay into effect until they prove to me they can get along without the fighting and bickering. This is expecially effective with my dd who is all about hanging out with friends. ;) I hope you find a solution that works for you. I know how annoying the bickering can get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strawberry Queen Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I think that I would talk with them and set out some consequences for the behaviors ahead of time. Then, when they argue or whatever the issue is they've just chosen the consequence. I find when consequences are laid out ahead of time it takes a lot less out of me. I hate having to figure things out in the midst of high emotions. The only other thing I can say is that I hope you're given an extra measure of patience while you work through this.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I had to read this, now I wish I hadn't!!! My dd is 6 & my ds is 4, and it is the same way. Play great, love, love, love each other, and the next minute-war! My problem is with my dd, who is always so physical. Pushing, pinching, hitting, etc... None of it really hurts, but it's the point that she does it. We do have consequences, but it doesn't seem to help. I know she tries, but self control is a real problem with her. NOW I have to start worrying about puberty??? I feel like she's already IN puberty at age 6. Good luck & God Bless!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Tammi,I was thinking the same thing. Here I was thinking it should get better as they get older and all these other posts are saying when puberty hits it gets worse!! Eekk-- I swear one day I'm just going to go running down the road shrieking. I might do it right now just contemplating the future. I've been debating doing more of a direct character studies program, but I don't think it'll make a difference in this area. Uggh. My dc are 8 and almost 6, two boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Tammi,I was thinking the same thing. Here I was thinking it should get better as they get older and all these other posts are saying when puberty hits it gets worse!! Eekk-- I swear one day I'm just going to go running down the road shrieking. I might do it right now just contemplating the future. I've been debating doing more of a direct character studies program, but I don't think it'll make a difference in this area. Uggh. My dc are 8 and almost 6, two boys. I just bought a character study program from someone on here! Don't burst my bubble!!!:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeana Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 If nothing else we can all know we aren't alone and know that we will meet out in the middle of the street when we go out the door running and shrieking!! LOL!!! Thanks ladies! Jeana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I don't have any helpful advice because I don't have any pre-puberty ages yet.... but as far as character studies/helps we recently used the Brother Offended study from Doorposts. It has not solved our problems, but it has helped me know how to "coach" them when they disagree. Taking the role of parent is a little bit different - my oldest does it too. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skissugar Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 i have no words of advice.. i have an 10yr old boy and a 6yr old girl and i could have sat here and typed up the same post. ((((hugs)))) Lets all just hope it does get better with time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missouri Mama Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Take a look at The Young Peace Maker by Corlette Sande. It deals with training children to respond to conflict in a godly way because there will be conflict! www.HisPeace.org There's also a book that I've only flipped through but may be helpful if someone else knows the name of it. Sorry! It's a book written to children by 3 siblings & discusses their squabbles & biblical ways of resolving conflict. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Perhaps you can tell your oldest to ask permission to "advise," and your daughter to respond with a simple "no thankyou" if she isn't in the mood for corrections. He isn't allowed to push it, and she's not allowed to scream at him for asking. Maybe you can train them to use the formula? If worst comes to worst, my mother used to tell us that we could continue fighting outside. I can't remember any situation when we both agreed that the issue was worth going out into the cold or heat for. :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappymom Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Wow I was debating posting a similar thread about an hour ago! My DD's are almost 8 and almost 4, and i was seriously considering sending them off to school on Tuesday cause i soooooooo can't handle all this fighting/whining/grumping/snarling/etc etc. Maybe the gypsies want them...lol :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LanaTron Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I know that when my kids are spending a lot of time with only each other at home--no activities, no friends, no electronic boxes--they get along wonderfully. Little incidents here and there occur, but nothing major. They are helpful to each other, communicate well, and have a great time together. If we are "going and doing" a lot, or they are seeing too much of their friends, or they are utilizing electronics too much, they start bickering and being mean to each other. When I start seeing too much negative behaviour in their relationships with each other, I try to make sure we get a little extra down time. Don't ya wish they came with a manual? :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeana Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 With mine I think the opposite is the problem. They are ALWAYS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeana Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 With mine I think the opposite is the problem. They are ALWAYS together. We don't do much outside activities because of where we live. However, when I schedule them to the max to where their time is limited then the fighting ceases. They no longer take each other for granted and value the time together. It is just so hard to make their schedules like that. I need to do a MOTH schedule for them but can't seem to get the real motivation to do it again. Also, I am a I want patience and I want it NOW! So, advice for myself is get off my butt and make that schedule so that my kids don't have too much idle time! Love to all and thanks again. Jeana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraL Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Same thing here with my two oldest daughters (now 13 and 11). About two years ago they would be at each other's throats one minute and best friends the next. The younger really just wanted to the older to think she was neat, but the older would only point out flaws in the younger. I do think the serious onset of this was hormonally related. I can't say that they're perfect now, but it has gotten a lot better. One thing that I have found to be EXTREMELY useful is regular physical exercise. When they start "going at it," I send them out to run a mile or so together. Sometimes I've had them do a relay, where one runs a lap and then the other does the next lap, etc., so they have to cooperate in some manner. Pushups, situps, etc. are also good, but the running seems to work the best. I know that for me, personally, when I am not regularly exercising, I am a LOT more difficult to be around. A consistent exercise program (as well as good eating habits that keep my blood sugar level) does wonders for my temperament. I've observed the same for my two oldest daughters. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeana Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug:nt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Read the responses, hoping for enlightenment, but didn't find it. I have two DS, 8 and 5. They love each other, have common interests, can be playing cooperatively (if loudly) for an hour and then....one says something that sets the other off (sometimes intentional, sometimes not) and within seconds it is warfare. The consequence is separate time in rooms, but they quickly sneak out to be together again. Argh!! I agree with another poster in that for us, it seems that too much time together can make it worse...with the caveat that sometimes, the oppostie is true! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frogpond1 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 when things come up like this. They get sent out to their own quiet patch in the driveway etc. and have to weed it. By the time they get back they are pretty calm and over it. Now, we have the bickering but not the yelling. The yelling thing would put me over the top. The neighbor girl screams and yells at her brother and her parents and I just cringe when I'm on the phone with her mom. I think you really need to find some way to get them out of that habit. Love and Logic for the teenager is a great book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I agree with doing chores together. Mine know that if they are not putting each other first - which they wouldn't be if they are arguing - they get chores together. In the summer, the garden always needs weeding and they have to work out a compromise for their disagreement and fill a large bucket. If they keep arguing, then they continue to weed. In the winter, they get to clean the bathrooms - we have four so they can stay quite busy. Before they are responsible for the trait though I make sure they have the tools to handle disagreements and for us knowing what the Bible says about it. Proverbs says that a kind word is sweeter than honey so we taste some honey and for a opposite I have them taste apple cider vinegar. If they need a reminder, I'll ask whether they would like honey or vinegar for their tongue. It's fairly effective, particularly for the younger children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mountain Mamma Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Hello! I just loved what Dawn said. With my children, homeschooling has certainly stimulated my prayer life, and my own knowledge and application of Scripture. We like the Proverbs 17:1 verse which says, 'Better is a dry morsel and quietness than a house full of feasting with strife.' I handle these situations by working, praying with, spanking (you know you can still spank big kids) and reinforcing truth with the children. I try to equip them through encouragement, by setting up what is pure and lovely for them all the time, enough that they more naturally stretch towards it. When they are listening to, say, Holly Dutton's songs on the Westminster Shorter Catechism, this renews their minds just as much as mine is renewed by reading or listening to Scripture. Praying with them and encouraging them to start over also renews the mind. Keep hanging in there and helping your children to change their clothes, girls! No one else can do it as well as you can, except the Holy Spirit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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