Spryte Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Any experience with this? We have two open adoptions, so we're very familiar with that type of adoption and birthparent interactions there. But this is for an adult, meeting a birthparent for the first time. Closed adoption till adult was in his 40s. They have been emailing for a few years, and are now ready to meet in person. They'll meet halfway, in a town fairly close to both of their homes, so this isn't a trip that involves air travel or overnight stays. Any ideas on what they can do? Meet at a restaurant? Park? How long would you expect this first meeting to last? Would bringing a photo album of childhood be helpful, for birthparent to see? Any other ideas re: things to do to break the ice? Adult adoptee does not want to do anything that might make birthparent feel pressured. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer&Mom Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I have no experience in meeting a birthparent, but I've done awkward. (First dates, meeting up with an ex etc.) A restaurant is nice in that it gives you something to do with your hands. But then you are also face to face the whole time, which can be too much. Side by side can be less pressure for emotional conversations. So I suggest meet at a coffee shop and then go for a walk. You get to hold the coffees and be on the move. Also, if it goes well you can then extend the meeting to a meal. A few pictures would probably be good, but a whole album might feel like too much for the first meeting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I have no experience in meeting a birthparent, but I've done awkward. :lol: That made me snort coffee. Thanks so much - those are great ideas. You echoed DH, who said the same thing about being face to face in a restaurant. I think a coffee shop meet up and then a walk is a great idea. I'm going to suggest that. Especially since it gives each person something to clutch (coffee cups). Nice idea. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Do they want to be alone? I would want company or a dog or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 That's a good question. Birthmother has taken a long time to be ready to meet, so there's reluctance to ask her a lot of questions about the meeting, no one wants her to feel pressured. I think there is fear that she'll back out. :( So, it's possible that she will bring along someone, though she hasn't mentioned it. Possibly birthfather, actually. (!!!) But the worry is that if the question is asked... she'll somehow feel that she's not enough, by herself. Which, of course, she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Not snarky but I am wondering how the birth parent could feel pressured? Into what? I think meeting at a restaurant is nice. Like Lawyer Mom said, it gives you something to do. Adoptee could bring some pics along of his childhood or family. If they have been communicating for years, they already have some kind of basis from which conversation can take off. I would initially plan on about two hours. If they hit if off, they can make more plans for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Not snarky but I am wondering how the birth parent could feel pressured? Into what? I think meeting at a restaurant is nice. Like Lawyer Mom said, it gives you something to do. Adoptee could bring some pics along of his childhood or family. If they have been communicating for years, they already have some kind of basis from which conversation can take off. I would initially plan on about two hours. If they hit if off, they can make more plans for the future. I didn't take it snarkily. :) (Snarkily! Ha! New word of the day.) No one wants her to feel pressured to meet. It appears that she's getting a lot of pressure *not* to meet from people on the other side of the triad. You know what? This is too hard to keep vague. I'll just spill it, and if you guys are okay with not quoting, I'll delete the identifying bits in a little while. Birthparents are married. They have many more children together, none of which know that they have an older sibling out there, who was placed in an adoptive home. DH has been searching actively for 10 years, in a very ethical way, finally made contact four years ago, but it hasn't been smooth. BM is interested in meeting, would like to tell the other kids, would like to get to know DH. BF seems to feel that what's done is done, don't open doors, and don't tell the other kids. We don't have those words from him exactly, but that is the impression that's been given. DH is fine with whatever they decide to do. Of course he'd like to meet everyone - he's never met anyone related to him, by blood, except for DSS. But he is a cool guy, and very respectful of everyone's privacy and wishes here. DH just received the invitation to meet from BM. It doesn't mention "we" would like to meet, just "I." So DH is guessing that it will only be BM. I suggested he just ask who'd be coming, but he fears that asking will make BM feel that DH is disappointed that it's only her. And he's not. He's just thrilled. But he's trying to figure out if it's better to bring me along, or just meet with the two of them, if it's only her. ...Whenever he asks too many questions, she seems to back off. Does that help clarify the pressure? Pressure might not be the right word. :) There are a lot of raw emotions here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Restaurant. Then you have napkins and water glasses at least for nervous hands to play with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I think a park or something similar would be nice. If someone gets emotional during the meeting, a restaurant could be awkward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you husband doesn't care this meeting if the BF is there or not, then don't ask. Just be surprised when and if he is there also. Let it be. But he can ask her if she would like him to bring you along. "Would you like to meet my wife or would you prefere I come alone? Either is fine with me, whatever works for you and makes you comfortable." Let her decide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I feel for the woman. There must be a good amount of guilt of having given up the oldest and having more children who don't know about it. This is likely what makes BF be reluctant too. He probably feels like a failure for not being able (for whatever reasons at the time) to keep his first born son. There is a lot of pain in this but Kudos to birth mom for setting up a meeting. If I were your dh, I would emphasize in every communication that "I want to do what makes you most comfortable." This may make her feels more safe - she already made the move to meet him. Your dh sounds like a terrific guy! If your dh and his birth mom hit it off, it's possible that will bring BF around as well. There is something to pray about! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I feel for her, too. I feel for the BF, too. I can't imagine. My heart aches for them, and I hope that meeting DH, and seeing that he's okay, that it all turned out okay, will help make things feel better. Closure, in some ways, and of course the possibility for a new kind of relationship moving forward. I like the idea of being surprised if BF shows up, and not asking ahead of time. It may be that BF hasn't decided yet, and won't decide till the day of the visit. And that would be okay, too. Now, can I admit to wanting to be a fly on the wall??? We've seen pics of BM, and DH looks *just* like her! I'm dying to see someone who looks like DH. And I soooo want to hug her. But, again, I don't want to add pressure to this whole complicated scenario, so unless she brings up me coming, I'm going to stay home with the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I could see you going with him and meeting at a restaurant. I wouldn't bog her down with any more planning. If she doesn't show you can have lunch together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twolittleboys Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 No personal experience with this exact situation but with something that is kind of similar. Based on our experience I would meet at a place with a bit to do (e.g. a museum, zoo, park etc.), not so much at a restaurant. I think in a restaurant you are kind of "on display" and there really isn't that much to talk about other than the obvious. Lots of opportunities for awkward silences (of course it could go great and then it really doesn't matter where the meeting is). If they meet at a museum, zoo etc. there seems to be more impersonal stuff to do/talk about. A neutral placemight also be better if someone doesn't show up/leaves early (I certainly hope this won't be the case). In a restaurant that is just kind of awkward. They could head to a restaurant/coffee shop etc. if things go well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I don't have the BM angle, but having gone through some awkward first meetings (long story, they were proposals (before DH's), I had no family, so an older lady I was friends with at the mosque stepped in to act as my older sister and set up meetings/dinners, quite a few funny stories there now looking back). I would highly recommend NOT using a restaurant (I recall one very long/awkward meal that I could not wait to get out of). Maybe like a cafe (think coffee and a slice of pie) or ice cream shop. Something to do, but not as long of a time commitment if things are awkward/emotional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Pictures from baby hood and I very open mind. My husband's birth family, his mom had died when he was a baby. They had similar personalities, but a lot of ideas that went very contrary to ours. We met the brother and the aunt (sister to the birth mom). They live far away. My own birth family, uuggghhh. They were competitive with me and comment about my financial status and act like I owe them. They live close to us. I regret that. I wish we had moved far away. Stay away from all discussions of politics, religion, and so on. It can be shocking what can be a trigger for someone you have never met before. On the same hand, both sides had redeeming values to meet and have long distance relationships with. I am just not interested in a close and fuzzy family relationship because it will never happen, on either side. Also, do not reveal too much about your lives. Downplay some things perhaps. I mean, reveal enough to be kind, but not so much that they know a ton about you. Not because of hiding, but, it has been odd what set off our birth families. My husband's birth family were put off by his golfing. They said "it's a rich mans sport" and made it clear they had no tolerance for rich people. But even rural Nebraska has golf courses and Walmart carries clubs. So it is not just a rich mans sport. To my birth family, We mentioned a vacation and that set them in to remarks about money too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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