HappyLady Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 As I've stated in the past, I do so much for my sister and NEVER get anything in return. Not even a thank you. To give a little background, my sister and her now ex-DH were separated for a long time (years), but stayed living together. They officially divorced the beginning of this year. My ex-BIL is not someone I've ever liked. He's been on disability for over a decade now and is far from disabled. He just knows how to work the system. Anyway, my ex-BIL owned the house they lived in and decided to sell it to move to another state over the summer. Why? Because of the more favorable gun laws there. Seriously. He's really into his guns and apparently our state has tough gun laws (I know nothing about that stuff), but where he moved to doesn't. He now lives 2 hours away. When he moved, I just knew I'd end up having to watch my 9 y/o nephew from time-to-time because of it. I certainly don't mind watching my nephew, but the reason behind it really ticks me off. My ex-BIL does NOTHING with his time, but go out and shoot his guns and watch shows about how much the government sucks. A few weeks ago, I had to watch my nephew at my house for 3 days. My sister was working long hours and her two older kids couldn't watch him. My sister lives 20 minutes away and works 10 minutes away from my house, but my nephew had to stay at my house the entire time and my sister never even bothered to come see him on her way home or anything (she doesn't work that late). Fast forward to today. My mom is in from out-of-town and I made plans to go out to eat with her with my kids and DH. My sister writes to me and says, "Can't you even wait for Joey (my nephew) to get out of school to go out to eat?" Um, I didn't realize Joey was a part of my plans. I wrote back and said no one had mentioned him coming along. She then says, "I'm working 6 days a week from 7am to 7pm. It would be nice if he got out of the house." Knowing how my sister talks, I know the tone that was behind what she said. I'm sorry my nephew isn't getting out. Tell his father who does NOTHING all day to come do something with him then! That's not what I said, but that's how I felt. I then told her I couldn't wait for him to get out of school because I had plans after going out to eat with some friends. She then posts this on Facebook: I would like to thank all my friends who have really offered me help and support while I'm working extremely long hours... It means a lot when people offer to cook/or have or just to offer in anyway possible!!! You really see who is truly by your side This is the FIRST time I wasn't there for her and I can guarantee that message was directed towards me. You see why I don't want to vacation with her anymore?? :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Passive aggressive BS really pushes my buttons. I would probably reply, "you're welcome. We loved having [nephew] with us for three days and know that it was a big help to you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 It sounds like she is grateful. Could it have been you she was referring to? I would talk to her. She is your sister. Talk to your sister. :) ETA: I'm sorry. This seems really difficult. My sisters and I have had greater and lesser needs though the years. I hope you and your sister can work it out. One of my bils is not the father I would like him to be, but I love the child. It doesn't matter to me whether the father can be what I wish. His son is a sweetie! His father has no bearing on my interest in the boy, nor does it affect how I help. But I get that it is all really sad. :( Kids do suffer the most when the adults in their lives drop the ball. Maybe I am not adopting or fostering...but this. This I can do. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 She totally knows how to push your buttons to get what she wants. You're not going to change her, but you can change the way you respond to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I'm a Christian so I don't think a person should need or want an earthly reward or even acknowledgement for doing something for someone. I think a person should do it because it's the right thing to do with absolutely no expectation or desire for anything at all to come back in their direction. Is it nice when people do acknowledge what others have done for them? Yes. Do I teach my kids to acknowledge kindness from others? Yes. Should you be waiting around for that response? No. Should you invest any emotional or mental energy when she doesn't acknowledge what you do for her? No. You seem to need a lot of feedback from others that your sister behaves badly. I think you already know she behaves badly. I think you already knew her behavior in the past has been bad. Why do you need us to tell you you're right? You're smart and your instincts about evaluating her behavior seem to be right on the money. Why keep going on about it? You're not kids anymore. You don't need substitute parent (us) to complain about her to. You're right and you know it. You don't need anything else. When your sister asks about including the nephew simply say, "I wasn't expecting to take him with us and the plans are already made." That's it. Done. Not only do you not need to respond to her with more, you don't need to think about it or talk about it for one more minute. You don't need to ruin another moment of your lovely life with emotions about how irritating and annoying she clearly is. Why ruin the quality of your emotional and mental life? You're not the one screwing things up. Enjoy eating our with your mother and your family and for heaven's sake, don't spend any of the time visiting with mom to complain about sis if you're being tempted to do that (which I acknowledge may not be at all true about you.) Enjoy mom and let her enjoy you, your husband and the grandkids.If you don't want to vacation with her, then don't. Done. Or offer to take just her kids with you to "Give her a break." Don't expect her to appreciate it, just enjoy the nieces and nephews if she agrees and if she doesn't agree just say, "Maybe they can go another time." Done. Don't think about it, don't buy into any of her drama or comments. Just go on with your vacation and enjoy your husband and kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdahoHomeschooler Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I'm sorry, but honestly? You are just as much to blame in this dynamic. I'd suggest a counselor to help you in establishing boundaries, as well as to help you deal with your familial baggage. Your sister won't change, because she has no reason to. If you want change, you gotta change yourself. You keep doing what you've always done, and you keep getting what you've always got. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Echoing other posters, you need to change how you respond and react. You need to set boundaries. You can't expect her to change or to take care of you emotionally or otherwise in any way at all. I would really encourage you to get some counseling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Is there any chance the message wasn't a passive aggressive stab at you. I mean you have offered to have so it couldn't have been you? Maybe she thought you said no because she hadn't thanked you properly and she better say thank you to everyone? Or maybe it was a stab at her ex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Is she leaving a 9 year old home alone from after school until 7pm? And dad isn't involved anymore? Sounds like he really got the short end of the stick in parenting. I think what I would do is adjust my plans to include him whenever possible and stop considering it a favor to her, but an investment in this child. Once he's up and out of the house, I wouldn't have anything to do with her anymore unless she changes her tune. And I sure wouldn't be taking her on vacation, only the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I would play dumb on the facebook message. Maybe some people brought over some food and she is grateful. Don't let her eat at you. It's your choice. I agree that you seem to be unintentionally encouraging her to expect too much of you. I have a situation that isn't that bad (no acrimony at the moment), but I keep going back and forth on whether I should or shouldn't feel responsible to fix another person's problems. Lord knows I have enough of my own problems and plenty of other guilt. Yet it is hard to say "no" and even harder to feel good saying "no." I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I would like to suggest this to youThe Elegant Art of Not Giving a S.... (yes, sorry, a bit of profanity)But there's also a picture of a cat on that page.And best of all? A FLOWCHART. Really, the flowchart is a great masterpiece. I have a copy printed out on my desk. http://tinyurl.com/kq7assj You're a good person. Be nice to yourself. Don't let this stuff poison you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Oh my goodness, I love that flow chart. I'd need to edit the verbiage, but I have two kids plus myself who could use a printout of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I would like to suggest this to you The Elegant Art of Not Giving a S.... (yes, sorry, a bit of profanity) But there's also a picture of a cat on that page. And best of all? A FLOWCHART. Really, the flowchart is a great masterpiece. I have a copy printed out on my desk. http://tinyurl.com/kq7assj You're a good person. Be nice to yourself. Don't let this stuff poison you. This is an amazing blog! Thanks for linking it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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