Has anyone set rules for the neighbor kids & had it work?

[Ameena]

I've got to lay down some rules for the 2 neighbor kiddos that show up at all hours of the day. It's just too much both for dd & myself as they come bug me constantly for snacks / drinks / just to talk. DD ends up overwhelmed by the end of the day and often in tears. I find myself looking forward to the months they are gone with their mom - it's so nice & quiet then!

 

If you'd laid down the law for neighbor kiddos - how? Did it work? Ideas?

 

The rules I'm thinking of are:

 

1. Visiting hours are from 3pm to 6:30pm unless you specifically see my dd out playing, she asks you to play & you confirm with me that is is okay to play. When it time to go home or you are told to go home, please do so without whining or coming back over in 5 minutes to "tell my dd something"

2. No playing with the hose / water unless both I AND your grandparent says okay.

3. No playing in the house unless I say it is okay {we have a nice front & back yard with lots of space}. That includes playing under the guise of "helping" my dd with her chores.
4. If I say no to XYZ, please do not ask again

5. I am busy. I work from home. If I ask you to please stay outside or to play quietly & leave me alone to work please do so. If you do not so you will be asked to go home.

[momto10blessings]

My thoughts:

 

1- visiting hours are 3-6:30 no matter what (If you give them slack they'll keep taking it)

2/3- ask permission to play with the hose/water or come in the house

4/5- listen to what I say the first time or you will go home for the day

[zoobie]

Too many rules IMO. Stick to time, outside only, and listen or go home.

 

As far as the hose, your DD knows that's a no and can come get you. Empower her to tell them she's done playing when she gets overwhelmed.

[JustEm]

Too many rules right off the bat.  They will not follow them.  Start with visiting hours are 3-6:30 and no playing inside EVER!! I emphasize ever because since they've had no rules at your house its a great way to show them that you mean business.  Once they get those ones down I would add,  "when asked to leave any whining will result in no hanging out in our yard the following day."  Next add the "do not ask me for food EVER!! I will happily give you water if you need it and if I offer you food you may have it but do not ask for it."  

[Myeightkiddies]

Make a laminated sign for the front door that states to return at a certain time, such as, "School in Session,  No playtime.  Come back at 3:00pm."   Word it however you want.  It may take a few days for the kids to "get it".  Just stay firm.

 

I'm not optimistic that the neighbor kids will remember or keep the rules.  You need to firmly tell them no or leave.  Put another sign on the door at 6:30 that says, "Playtime is over today.  Return tomorrow at 3:00pm."  Tell them no water.  When they arrive tell them to remain outside or they will be required to go home for the day.  If they whine, tell them they will not be allowed to come over tomorrow if they don't cease the whining.  Just firmly say no, and if they keep coming over, put up the sign that says playtime is over.  For a few days they will try to bypass the sign, but stay firm.  They'll get it.  If your daughter gets overwhelmed at any time, tell them to leave and put the sign up on the door.

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

Yes.

 

Years ago, my dd's best friend needed some, um, guidance as to what was and was not appropriate behavior in someone else's home. I sat her down one day and told her that we enjoyed having her over, but if she was not willing to follow house rules, I'd send her home and she would not be welcome until the next day.

 

I sent her home often enough that she realized that I was serious, after which she was a mostly pleasant guest. That was, gosh, they're 21 now, so 14ish years ago. She has since grown into a lovely young lady, and she and my dd are still good friends.

 

In your shoes, I would make a STOP/GO sign for the door.

 

Rule 1:

If the sign is on GO, they can come play. If the sign is on STOP they cannot. If they ignore the sign and ask to play while it is on STOP, no play time that day. Try again tomorrow.

 

Rules 2:

Respect the house rules and the host. If you don't, I will politely re-explain the rule/request and send you home. You can try again tomorrow, if tomorrow is a GO day.

 

This rule applies to anything you ask them to do, and is always done politely in a kind voice. If you ask them to play quietly, and they don't, sorry you weren't able to manage your voices today. See you tomorrow. If they play with the hose without permission, sorry, kids. Time to go home. See you tomorrow. If they repeatedly ask the same questions, or play inside without permission, or don't honor any other request you've made as a host, bye! See you tomorrow.

 

You can always create some STOP days, with the sign on STOP for a full day if needed.

 

Our dd's friend really did need some help with learning appropriate boundaries. Once I got over feeling like I had to let things go or be polite because she was a guest, things got a lot better. She was quite a blessing in my dd's life, as she was a good friend during some trying times.

 

Cat

[katilac]

I have always liked the idea of a stop/go or whatever sign for the door, but in reality I knew it would never happen - no way would I remember to lift the flag or put down the flag or whatever. And if I told the neighbor kids that visiting was 'only' from 3 to 6, they would have come over every. single. day. and stayed from 3 to 6. 

 

My kids are past this age, thank goodness, but what worked for us was keeping it simple. You can play here when we say you can play here, and when we say no, you can't. I don't need a reason, and my kids don't need a reason. Ringing the doorbell more than once or banging on the door leads to an automatic no. 

 

If you want a snack or a drink other than water, go home and get it. I did actually offer snacks at times of my choosing, but I really discouraged the idea that it was okay to announce that you were hungry and so on, and expect me to deal with it. (this is for drop-ins, not planned playdates) 

 

I did have try to have a lot of patience if they wanted to talk to me. I mean, I wasn't giving them snacks or playing with them, so they must really want some attention, kwim? So I pulled many, many weeds in the front garden while neighbor kids chattered on. This is much easier to do with some grace if you aren't letting them drive you crazy every day, so being firm is a win-win situation. 

 

Make sure your dd knows it's okay to say when she's done playing; maybe give her some stock phrases to use. If she isn't ready to do this, let her come tell you quietly she's done, or just break it up after a reasonable amount of time. 

 

As far as the hose and that type of thing, my permission is most definitely needed. I would tell them to ask their parents if such-and-such was okay, but I did not verify. It was up to them to deal with the fallout if they didn't get permission. Nobody ever complained about kids wet from the house or muddy from the garden or messy from crafts - probably because really, having the kids at my house was still a net gain for them, lol. 

 

[Aiden]

I have no experience with this, so take it with a grain of salt ... the posters above seem to have very good advice. I also would suggest that, if your relationship with the kids' grandparents allow, you take a few minutes to visit their house and explain the rules to their grandparents. It sounds like they let them run wild, so it may not help, but it won't hurt, and even one time of Grandma saying "No, you can't go over there right now; it's outside the visiting times" would help. It also may help avoid hard feelings or difficult conversations if the kids go home complaining that you were mean to them, conveniently forgetting that the reason you politely asked them to leave was that they played with the hose without your permission.

[Donna]

We had a similar situation when my boys were younger and we lived in a different town. There were a lot of grandchildren living/staying next door especially in the summer. I schooled year round though lighter in the summer. Kids would show up at the door all times of the day.

 

I talked to the grandmother and explained we were schooling through the summer and my children had chores as well so they would be available to play after 3pm unless they were already outside playing because they had finished earlier. If the weather was bad, they needed to call before coming over to see if it was okay to play inside. My children were aware they needed to ask before bringing kids in the house and they preferred playing outside anyway so it wasn't usually a problem.

 

There was one boy who came over and went through my kitchen cabinets looking for food and drink so I had to go over some rules about asking rather than helping oneself.

 

I also had a rule of no food unless I had their parent's or grandparent's permission and my kids were not allowed to take food from anyone else unless they had my permission. It helped to keep very little junk food around. My kids liked fruit and veggie snacks but they weren't such a hit with the visitors.

[bolt.]

Yes:

 

1. You are outdoor friends only. No one comes in this house, my kids don't go into other houses.

 

2. There will be no food in this yard. No food items will be exchanged. Everyone eats at home.

 

3. Both of my children shall be included and respected or guests go home. (Sibling enforced)

 

4. The hose is fine: my kids know the rules. Visitors shall follow my rules with my things.

 

5. The dog may visit, on leash, only if our cat is inside.

 

6. Try to learn our time frames: 12:00 lunch time, 2:00-3:45 quiet time / tea break, 7:30 bed time. Supper when I call. (I might set up a sign.)

 

7. Do not tempt my children to disregard rules, limits or boundaries.

[MeAndTheBoys]

What they said--  we have neighbors without boundaries too, but when the playing is good, my boys are really happy to have friends right outside the door.

 

Very, very rarely does anyone come inside.  It's outside, or no playing.  I have one newbie who has started coming in on her own to "chat" and I need to nip that in the bud.  Glad she's so comfortable, but last time she stayed in for an hour following DH and I around.

 

No snacks, or very rarely.  Never when they ask.  But every now and then, my boys will take out pretzels or they'll have made cookies or something.  But we said "no" so many times over the past 5 years that no one asks for food.

 

Anyone can have water-but my boys come in and get it for them. When it gets hotter, I'll put my 5 gallon water tank thingie on the patio with a stack of plastic cups--then they won't even have to come in :)  ANd we buy those cheap ice pops (100 for $3 or whatever) and they are in the freezer outside--after many confrontations, the neighbors know that ONLY my boys are to open the freezer.  (And my boys know they can only have 2 of those a day).

 

You do have to just pound in the boundaries.

 

As far as times to play, depends on the age of the kids--if  it's a bunch of 5 year olds, they aren't going to "get" 3-6.  You may just have to answer the door and say "no" or do the "stop/go" signs (I had a friend who did that and it worked really well--she did have to train the neighbor kids, discussing what the sign meant, and NOT to knock or ring if it says "no".)

 

Best wishes!

Betsy

[grantmeawish]

I think we live in the same cul d sac.

[Seasider]

I don't have any additional suggestions, just to echo to keep the rules short and sweet. I just wanted to share that I remember how my dad dealt with the hose thing. He removed the handles from all the outdoor spickets. When he needed to turn on the water for chores, he'd use a wrench with a vise grip feature, and put that away when he was done. Our neighbor kids couldn't turn the water on after that, it became a nonissue. It was nice for us kids, too, because we could stop spending hours in the yard picking up little bits of broken water balloons to keep the dog from choking in them.

[myfunnybunch]

7. Do not tempt my children to disregard rules, limits or boundaries.

 

This rule too, for sure. Violating this rule meant an automatic one week suspension of play time. It only happened once.

 

Our neighbor boys now are pretty awesome. They all make a great pack, and they help remind each other of the different house rules. :) I usually get out a snack while they're here, but I know that the neighbors do the same so it all evens out.

 

Cat