9 year old boys. Oi!

[scrapbookbuzz]

:rant: Anyone else have or had a nine year old boy that complains about every assignment you give him? Or has a meltdown when you suggest he start an assignment?

 

and to top it all of either can't or won't tell you what's wrong? I finally told him today that when he is ready to learn he can come let me know. And when he's ready to tell me what's going

on with him, come find me. Until then, I'm DONE.  

[dewdropfairy]

:rant: Anyone else have or had a nine year old boy that complains about every assignment you give him? Or has a meltdown when you suggest he start an assignment?

 

and to top it all of either can't or won't tell you what's wrong? I finally told him today that when he is ready to learn he can come let me know. And when he's ready to tell me what's going

on with him, come find me. Until then, I'm DONE.  

 

Mine is 8 going on 13. His older brother was never like this. He was downright indignant that his math assignment was having him do subtraction using zeros and regrouping. (The horror!) I pulled out a Brain Quest book and told him 3rd graders the world over are going through the same things. It's not that he can't do it, it's that he doesn't want to. Anyway, that settled the argument for that day. But there are more to come I'm sure.

[Forgiven]

I have one of those. We have good days and bad days. Telling him to start his writing assignment ends in a torrential downpour. For my 9yo DS, he doesn't have much self confidence and requires a lot of back rubbing and compliments. When he's confident, he does amazing work, but when he feels overwhelmed, he turns into a wet mess (from tears, not peeing himself).

 

When he's unsure of something, instead of talking to me about it, he has a meltdown. I have to calm him down and give him the words to use. I tell him to tell me, "Mom, I need help." By the time he says those words coherently, he's calmed down enough to work with him. It's such a struggle.

 

Some days I just want to  :banghead: . Other days I just love spending time with him, watching him learn. When he gets something, it's amazing. But when he doesn't, watch out!

[BatmansWife]

:rant: Anyone else have or had a nine year old boy that complains about every assignment you give him? Or has a meltdown when you suggest he start an assignment?

 

and to top it all of either can't or won't tell you what's wrong? I finally told him today that when he is ready to learn he can come let me know. And when he's ready to tell me what's going

on with him, come find me. Until then, I'm DONE.  

 

:grouphug:  Hugs to you because I understand.  My boy is about twice that age, and it has gotten better (although now I've had to find almost completely independent work for him to do...because he still doesn't want anything that requires much mom teaching...other than telling him his spelling words).  I can still vividly remember the stomping around, the rolling of the eyes, the head on the desk like he was going to die.  Hang in there...hopefully it will get better.  The only advice I have at the moment is be careful with the "threats".  He may feel actual relief that you told him to let you know when he's ready to learn.  He might think he'll never be ready and he's off the hook.  But, I know in the heat of the moment it's not easy.  I can still remember many times telling my boy, "You HAVE to do school.  It's the law.  If you don't do it here....you'll have to do it at the public school."  But...in reality, the public school was not an option at all.  He probably knew that too... 

 

[Spryte]

I have one of these.  It's difficult.

 

I make sure he's well fed before school, and give him lots of warnings re: transition time.  That helps.  It feels a little silly, at his age, but I'm meeting him where I can, you know?

 

Asthma - if he is having any asthma issues at all, the behavior is worse.  Same with allergies, if they are flaring - his behavior does, too.  Taking care of any physical issues proactively is most helpful for us.

 

The other thing that's helped this year is vision therapy.  I would never have guessed it, but addressing his vision issues has tremendously helped.  That might not be an issue for every guy like this, but it sure helped mine.

 

Good luck.  Hopefully with maturity, and lots of patience from us, this will pass.

 

 

 

 

[FairProspects]

Yes, I definitely have one of these. At least after this thread I feel less alone!

[Guest]

It is the age, I promise. I am on my 3rd and 4th boys doing this to me. It does pass. It is a pain but stick to your guns. Maybe consider doing just the basics for a while.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I remember this age with my daughter and people telling me that 9 years old is a "high training age." I KNOW it is. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating. It might be 

less frustrating if I didn't also have an Aspie teenager who often needs to be kept on task, as well. 

 

Anyway, thank you, ALL, for the encouragement. And let's all celebrate that we are NOT ALONE in this!  :grouphug:  :party:  :thumbup1:

[Gil]

I had a child that went from 4 to 14 in the span of one summer. Because of my impeccable self-control, I didn't resort to infanticide but it was a pretty close call there a few times.

[skeeterbug]

9yo boy here too. Unfortunately his attitude is rubbing off on the 6yo which is really frustrating. Thanks to these boards I was expecting this, there have been other threads about unreasonable 9yo boys. ;)

[indigo68]

Thank you all for sharing your words of validation and encouragement! Exactly what I needed this morning... We have had our ups and downs, as well. My 9 y o will be 10 in 5 weeks, and I also have a 6 yo that will turn 7 late July. I can see some of the behaviors from my older coming out of my 6 yo, and Wowee, is that motivation to nip it in the bud!!

 

A friend was just reminding me this week that hormone changes and tremendous changes in the brain are all happening, and that it is not just me feeling like/being a defective parent. ugh! She was encouraging me to be gentle, gentle on myself when I am self-deprecating for not handling his meltdowns/power struggles well... And to remember to breathe and give myself permission to pause and reflect on how I really want to respond (ie. not in a tempting 9 yo comeback, lol!). I told her I just keep adding $1 to his therapy jar :).

 

But I really do want to be able to keep soaking him up (time is flying), meet him on his level, and make the most of this time of learning together one of more connection and growth than disconnect and pain. Obviously, this is what we all want, eh? One thing I have found that really helps the day (and sorry if this sounds too simplistic!), is that if I can make sure to have some emotional connection to my boys before we even sit down to do lessons, it changes the day. Seriously... Throwing a few rounds of ball in the house while we chat, putting on music and dancing, or sitting down to draw together, even for a few minutes, really does make a difference. The days that are the worst usually had the that aspect skipped. Not to be preachy! Just wanted to share a powerful thing that is easy for me to forget sometimes. Playful Parenting (Lawrence Cohen, Ph. D) is a very helpful read, too. And it is always amazing to me how the power of sharing with each other lightens the load... Hugs to all of us brave mamas parenting and HSing our Boysies! Michelle

[CAtoVA]

My DS who is now 10 was always like this but it got really bad the year he was 9. Like another poster said, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. I do not think it necessarily is a temporary situation due to hormones or a stage. At least in my case, it is the personality of my child.

 

J.

[indigo68]

Chiefcookandbottlewasher... I so did not mean to minimize or simplify it to just being about those physical changes. For my DS1, too, his personality is very strongly part of the dynamic, as is mine :). We can tend to bounce off of each other sometimes... I, myself, just found the reminder about physical factors helpful :).

[Walking-Iris]

Yep! My oldest is 11,(and an Aspie) so it's always been a bit of a struggle to get him motivated to do anything that wasn't what he wanted to do. I can't tolerate attitude in kids though, I really can't. 

 

I tell him he doesn't have to like doing math (or whatever he's resisting at the moment) but it's a necessary part of life. I also tell him that he needs to tell me what he doesn't like, that he needs to actually talk to me, because I will not listen to sighs, ughs, grunts, or other babyish behavior.

 

Slowly he's learning that if he has a genuine dislike or concern, I'll help fix it the best we can, but that if his problem is that he just doesn't want to do anything ever....too bad. 

 

One conversation that sort of really got through to him was when I asked him if he would slouch and stomp around if "so and so" asked him to do something (then I named various other adults who are close to him) and he said no. He recognized that doing that to them would be rude. So then why is he being rude to his own parents? For whatever reason that worked. Talking to him about the importance of being kind and thoughtful to your family members. That it's okay to dislike math, but it's not okay to be rude to other people. 

 

Also if he's really just wanting to have a rough time, I ask him to go read a chapter or two from a favorite book in his room and come back when he's done. NO games, NO television etc until school work is done.

 

[Bree]

This thread makes me feel better too :) my 9 year old has always been my mellow little helper but lately he has been getting so mad and frustrated and my perfect little man has had to go to his room in a fit over math or writing a couple sentences, screaming, yelling etc. Glad to know part of it is age and hormones :)

[matrips]

I have two 9yo boys and one 9 yo girl. I give them a weekly schedule every Sunday that lays out their work for the week. The schedule is printed and I fill in the blanks, so the types of assignments are similar week to week. I fill in the minimum needed to be done each day, so they get a feel for how weekly work is spread out. They are welcome to work ahead in some subjects, but not behind (I have no desire to get to the weekend with a kid who blew off school all week). I try not to nag throughout the day; in the morning I tell them what time I will be done for the day (usually around 1pm). If they need help from me, I am happy to work with them up to that time. I also do any teaching or group work in the morning. After that time, it's my time where we will run errands or go to the park or basically anything (my time is usually spent doing stuff for them anyway!). I got tired of feeling trapped and tied to the house because of a whiner or procrastinator who was never done. I was working during dinner prep and working at 7 pm and tired of it. Also, if their minimum daily work is not completed, then they have no activities until it's done. They can bring it with them to the park or in the car during errands or to baseball practice, but they cannot partake of the fun until it's done. It's their job to tell their coach too. It's helped. It puts the stress on them to get their work done instead of on me. Silly me was all caught up in the drama of them doing or not doing the work before. I like this better. I use a lot of ohs and ums and hmms when the nonsense starts.

[MerryAtHope]

That's exactly what I did with my son at that age! Go to your room, and when you are ready to try again, come find me. I had my kids ask for forgiveness for inappropriate actions (yelling, throwing things, disrespect etc...), we'd pray, hug, and start again.

 

Also around this age I discussed a self-control toolbox--what SHOULD one do when frustrated? We brainstormed all kinds of appropriate ideas & discussed what was not appropriate.

 

Also discussed--in life, you won't like everything. Too bad. I don't always want to cook dinner, do laundry, or be a chauffeur either. Do they want a mom who gripes and complains about every little thing, or one who lovingly meets their family's needs? They too need to learn to do things they don't like with a good attitude.

 

hang in there!

 

Merry :-)