lack of self control and how to correct it

[swellmomma]

Most of you know what a rough road it has been raising ds15.  The boy gets into more trouble than I have patience for.  I don't know why this didn't occur to me sooner, or why all the psychological help we have sought have not mentioned this.  But I realized that nearly 100% of his problems come down to a lack of self control.  The angry outbursts, the running away when younger, the damages to property, the over eating, the stealing, the fighting etc it all comes down to a lack of self control.  Some how even though my other 3 kids developed this in the toddler/preschool years it just never did in ds.  So for years he has been in trouble.  We have dealt with the law, with cps, with therapists, inpatient psych holds, medications, and the list goes on and the reality is if he had any, we would not have to deal with any of that. 

 

So this is not a character strength in him at all, it is not something he has learned through modelling like the others did. I have said often he is acting like a spoiled 2 year old, and really that is what it comes down to.  A 2 year old also lacks self control.

So now the problem is how to correct that issue.  How to teach it specifically since it is not something that is coming organically to him as he ages and matures.  How to help him develop at least some level of self control.  His life will be very barren right through adulthood if he doesn't.

 

Has anyone else worked with youth that lacked this character trait, not through a lack of trying on the family's part but because the kid just never had it click?  What worked to remediate the situation?  Clearly punishments are not working, I have been punishing for the same cra*p near daily for a decade, because being the moron I am I thought it would eventually work.  Yeah, not so much.  I wish it had occured to me sooner, that all of his behaviours where stemmed from the very same source.  I had been dealing with the behaviours individually, and shrinks etc had been treated them as the symptoms of mental illness, but is a lack of self control really a mental illness?  I get that his ADHD played a role in it, but I know plenty of kids with ADHD that develop self control, so what is the difference.  

 

Is it something that can be remediated at this stage of the game or is he likely to remain selfish and out of control?  

 

Seriously someone give me some ideas here, I am feeling like I have failed him for the last decade not having put the connection together sooner.  I was so short sighted.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

 

Perhaps the question is how to encourage him to want to learn it?

(I don't know. I just know with my kid he doesn't make more or faster progress because he doesn't have a problem with his own abilities and I don't know how to make him develop any!)

[swellmomma]

The funny thing is we get praise about his manners.  He does have decent manners but the rest is not so much.  He has almost no delayed gratification ability, even if he has no choice but to wait for something he proceeds with tantrums, stealing, fighting etc, even though those things have never ever been okay, no worked in his favor.  He will steal money to buy what he wants instead of earning it, even though the means to earn it is readily available.  Or he will blow through the money he earned himself and then demand and bully someone else (especially ds10) to give him their money, or steal mine because he wants more.  Instead of eating a bowl of cereal he will eat the entire box so no one else can have any (the same goes for pretty much any food he likes).  He is hot tempered and will tantrum/rage when things are not going his way, telling him to turn off his xbox for example resulted in a window in my front door being shattered because he flipped out and hit it with a stick.  He was arrested for fighting and had to face the consequences and yet appears to not have learned a thing.  Like a toddler he wants it his way, all the time, and immediately and if it doesn't happen he loses it.  He has had a multitude of diagnoses over the years but ultimately it comes down to the fact that he has almost no self control.  If he sees something he wants, he takes it or tantrums that he can't have it just like a toddler. The problem is he is nearly 16 and still acting like a 2 year old in that regard.  So when calm he has great manners, but if you say no to his "please" he ends up crying and commenting about how mean you are since he said please and all, just like a preschooler not liking that they can't have the cookie before dinner because they said please kwim.  

 

The worst part is his lack of self control is wearing down on mine kwim. 

[MooCow]

My oldest did/does what you've described. Sadly, I really think it's part of the OCD/mood disorder.

 

Dh and I have learned we had to set boundaries, and keep them. It's incredibly .......hard. :hug:

[swellmomma]

When I say I have punished for 10 years I mean he has had to clean up messes, pay restitution where warranted, replace damaged or stolen items/money, apologize to whomever he was supposed to in addition to losing privileges, grounding (time outs when he was younger), doing community service as part of his probation.  Been in counselling for the anger.  I have always given heads up on transitions (habit after 25 years working in daycare), counting to 10 we tried for years, he would make it to about 3 before punching the person.  He was in trouble in ps for this stuff everyday, was expelled from 5 daycare centers in 1 year which resulted in me dropping out of my college program before the final year.  The fact that he could not be in a daycare program or school is why I homeschool, and why I spent many years unemployed drowning financially because I had to be with him constantly to monitor these things and step in quickly before someone got seriously hurt.  

 

I have tried all the "normal" stuff, it is how I have parented all of them, 3 of them it clicked and they developed self control, this one it hasn't.  I have set boundaries and keep them BUT I also work 2 jobs out of the house now and simply can not monitor him 24/7,  even when I could/did it didn't make much difference, he didn't learn to regulate/develop this skill.  I wish it was as easy as setting boundaries etc.  That's why I said in my OP ideas for situations where the family has been working on this, meaning there has always been boundaries, and expectations, and the things that you would normally do to instill this just haven't worked.  

[Ausmumof3]

I am not at all an expert but this reminds me of some things I've read lately... One about self control saying all humans have a limited amount of willpower. The secret is setting up as many things as possible to be automatic so they don't require an Exercise of willpower. The other thing was the executive function thread saying how much harder it is to achieve things that are simple to other people with ADHD diagnosis. This could mean that your son is actually using a lot of willpower to achieve just basic functions.

 

This makes me think of Charlotte mason habit training. By developing good habits there is no need to exercise willpower to complete certain things. It might be worth reading her sections on habit training and will. I don't know how well it would work with a 15 year old though.

 

I think at this stage I would work on the two most critical things... Stealing and angry outbursts and let other things go for a while because they will have a bigger long term impact. For day to day stuff make everything as automatic as possible so it's not requiring huge amounts of willpower.

 

Eta please don't be hard on yourself over this. Sometimes parents do everything possible and things still go wrong. My sis oldest had a rough time, leaving home, doing some hard physical work jobs and life experience has helped. Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way as much as parents set them up for success.

[Jennifer-72]

I am not sure i have any advice for you since I haven't been in your position, but I did wonder, do you think he sees the relationship between his actions and the consequences that ensue? For some with executive functioning trouble there is a disonnect in realizing that they are responsible for, or at least have some control over determining outcomes. Someone who has poor ability to think through the whole situation-action-outcome train of thought is going to look like they have a complete lack of self control, but perhaps he could use more help with the higher order thinking skills of problem solving. An SLP can actually do some testing on problem solving abilities and work on those skills.

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug:

 

Meditation? Mindfullness training?

 

If it is OCD related it is not a character fault, but as he matures and *wants* to change, meditation might be a good skill to have and learning to meditate / yoga is a good process to go through, even it is not a magic pill.

 

 

[Anne in CA]

After reading In the Realms of Hungry Ghosts, I had to conclude that people like this (and yes, I know grown adults like your son although most are in jail) have a limited capacity for self control because for various reasons their brains did not develop in a manner that allows them self control. I do think that your ds has brain development issues that probably are your real issue, not anything you did or did not do. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: . I suspect that the right medication would help, but that he would need a brain scan to know which kind and how much, and that it would be lifelong, not just temporary.

[swellmomma]

I am not sure i have any advice for you since I haven't been in your position, but I did wonder, do you think he sees the relationship between his actions and the consequences that ensue? For some with executive functioning trouble there is a disonnect in realizing that they are responsible for, or at least have some control over determining outcomes. Someone who has poor ability to think through the whole situation-action-outcome train of thought is going to look like they have a complete lack of self control, but perhaps he could use more help with the higher order thinking skills of problem solving. An SLP can actually do some testing on problem solving abilities and work on those skills.

 

I can see this being a part of it.  I don't think he gets the connection.  He says all the right things when caught etc but then 2 minutes later does it again like he didn't just get caught and in trouble.  He often sees himself as the victim with everyone picking on him or mad at him for no reason rather than seeing the path of destruction coming straight from him. 

[Shellydon]

It seems to me this isn't just lack of self control-- it is an organic disorder.  Perhaps a personality disorder.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think it is a matter of "correcting" it per se.  It is more a matter of expanding his tool box or even giving him a toolbox of strategies to use.  In the course of therapy has anyone done any cognitive behavior therapy?  

[MBM]

People with impulse control problems can have weak connections in their brain between their prefrontal cortex and ventral striatum. It's not impossible or even all that difficult to strengthen the connections.

 

Adolescents also experience a lot of neural pruning and neural growth which can make their behavior worse. If they don't have enough neurons in their left prefrontal cortex after the pruning they are more likely to be depressed, anxious and touchy. If you can get your son to do mindfulness breathing exercises where he just sits calmly for a period of time focusing on his breathing/bringing his focus back to his breathing when his mind wanders, this can help his brain grow more neurons in his left prefrontal cortex. With teens, the hardest part is getting them to do it for any period of time. (I have a 16-year-old son and it took awhile to get him to do it. Now he understands why it's important and does it willingly for 10" most days.) If your son understands the basic science behind it and he begins with just short periods of time (maybe 5 to 8"), he will eventually notice changes in himself. If you want a guided CD, I think Dan Goleman's is good for teen boys. It's the CD that comes with the book Buiding Emotional Intelligence. The track about breathing would do the trick. It's not too long.

 

Richard Davidson also talks about this in his book The Emotional Life of Your Brain. Your son might have a combination of low self-awareness and unfocused attention (these are actually neural pathways in the brain that everyone has). The whole book is worth reading but if you want to get right to the exercises, read Chapter 11.

 

Another one to read is Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Dan Siegel, a neuropsychiatrist who has studied adolescence extensively. It can help you understand what your son is experiencing and suggest ways to improve self-control. You might be able to find him speaking about adolescent on YouTube, too.

 

Also, if your son has had impulse control problems most of his life, he might tend to produce more cortisol than normal when he feels even slightly stressed and this can exacerbate his anger and self-control. Mindfulness breathing could help.

 

 

[Jennifer132]

It sounds like you've exhausted alot of the regular channels (therapy, consequences, etc). Have you explore food and diet as a source of the issue? I say this for two reasons--1) my son, who is autistic had a major rage issue and impulsivity, and when we went gluten free and dairy free it totally changed him. Really, people who knew him "before" can't even believe his progress. Not to say he's perfect or it has solved everything, but I'm no longer restraining him on the floor while his siblings cower in a corner (horrible feeling). He's been on that diet for about 3 years now.

 

And my other reason is with my dd, who has no diagnosis, but was on reflux meds for about a year and started to develop really disturbing habits (which I learned was really yeast overgrowth, likely due to her meds, but anyone can develop yeast overgrowth) including impulsivity and rage. I listened to Diane Craft's lectures called the Biology of Behavior and implemented her program. My dd was completely healed. All her issues went away. In the lecture she talks about kids like yours who are really, really struggling. I highly recommend you explore the food avenue. What can it hurt? You've tried everything else.