Need help with neices rop

[runbikeswim]

I am changing a couple details of this story to protect my privacy as this story was well publicized in some states. My sister in law was killed and my brother in law was permantly disabled. I have 3 neices that are in the care of other family members. Prior to the accident, we had little to no contact with my neices. There was no bad blood exactly but my bil, sil and neices lived their lives in a way that just led us to not see them very often (nothing huge, just different values, interests and they live far away).

 

I retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to be a better aunt to the girls. Sometimes I sent cards, more often I didn't. I have seen or spoken to them 3 times in their entire lives. Of course I am sorry now but there is nothing to be done about the past.

 

My question is the future. I want to be more involved but now I don't know how without seeming fake. Like where have I been all these years? The girls are all teens and very smart. They will have needs, financial and emotional, in the years ahead and I would like to be there for them. How would you handle it?

[Kareni]

Perhaps you can send your nieces a letter with some memories and photos of the parent to whom you were related.  That might start a conversation. 

 

Regards,

Kareni

[NorthwestMom]

 

I retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to be a better aunt to the girls. Sometimes I sent cards, more often I didn't. I have seen or spoken to them 3 times in their entire lives. Of course I am sorry now but there is nothing to be done about the past.

 

 

 

I think this is a true and sincere feeling, and one that could be expressed to three teenagers. Life has taught you the hardest way, and now you deeply desire a relationship with family. Don't be pushy about it, but I think it's on you to open the door to the relationship, since they are all grieving kids.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Beth in OH]

I am involved in a situation with an 18 yo who lost both of his parents in the past year.  In this situation, the extended family was not close, and the 18 yo is not living with relatives.  His aunts are working now to re-establish a connection.  Things that seem to be working.....

 

• Communicate with the adults--ask for ways in which you can help, and let them know what your thoughts are regarding the girls.  Give them information about your family.
• Try to connect with the girls on Facebook--it may be welcome.
• Try texting.
• Remember birthdays and holidays.
• Think about how this changes your family and how the girls will fit within the new configuration.  They may be open to it;  perhaps not.
• Follow the girls' lead.  They may or may not want to increase their relationship with you and your family.  Respect their wishes.

I don't know your specific story, but this is pretty traumatic stuff.  You are doing the right thing by reaching out.  It may take years to establish closeness, but that doesn't mean your efforts won't be important to them.  

[unsinkable]

I am changing a couple details of this story to protect my privacy as this story was well publicized in some states. My sister in law was killed and my brother in law was permantly disabled. I have 3 neices that are in the care of other family members. Prior to the accident, we had little to no contact with my neices. There was no bad blood exactly but my bil, sil and neices lived their lives in a way that just led us to not see them very often (nothing huge, just different values, interests and they live far away).

 

I retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to be a better aunt to the girls. Sometimes I sent cards, more often I didn't. I have seen or spoken to them 3 times in their entire lives. Of course I am sorry now but there is nothing to be done about the past.

 

My question is the future. I want to be more involved but now I don't know how without seeming fake. Like where have I been all these years? The girls are all teens and very smart. They will have needs, financial and emotional, in the years ahead and I would like to be there for them. How would you handle it?

I would tread very carefully.

 

I lost my parents as a teen. There were relatives that we'd been close to who seemed like they couldn't or didn't know how to keep up a relationship with me after my parents died. They acted like I died, too. i never heard from them.

 

When they tried to contact me years later, I ignored them because I felt like I couldn't open myself up to them again. They were absent at the worst time in my life and I didn't want to feel that pain again.

[fairfarmhand]

I think this is a true and sincere feeling, and one that could be expressed to three teenagers. Life has taught you the hardest way, and now you deeply desire a relationship with family. Don't be pushy about it, but I think it's on you to open the door to the relationship, since they are all grieving kids.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

A letter might be in order communicating all of the above along with, "I don't want to be pushy, but I want you to know that I am very open to a relationship with any or all of you. "

 

Then I'd start sending birthday cards, christmas cards, write occasional letters. Wouldn't send gifts or anything like that until a relationship had grown.

[Truscifi]

I think sending a letter or email would be a good way to start, saying basically what you said here. As teens they are likely mature enough to understand your regret.

 

Be careful not to pressure them though. They may not be ready for a relationship right off the bat, but it is still good for them to know you are there when they are ready.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, the teens i live with would do better with a "here's a picture of your dad and me when we were 10 and 7.  we used to love to climb trees."  than a "i am so sorry i have been absent and now i want to be part of your lives".  

 

the one seems like a thoughtful reaching out, and the other seems to tend towards melodrama.  while teens are good at melodrama, they don't like it from adults so much ;).

 

(this is not a hypothetical example.  when the birth father of the older girls tried to re-establish contact, he sent a chestbeating please forgive me i want to be part of your lives" letter, and they were furious.  they both said they would rather have had a birthday card, a little christmas present, etc, etc.) 

 

ie.  just start off with sharing who you are, and getting to know them.  

 

good luck!

ann

[runbikeswim]

Thank you for the replies. I am taking notes. This is my husband's family and so I am treading even more carefully. My husband has been out to see them and has been pretty well received by the kids.

[LMV]

We have some experience with this from the other side in a way.  Our current foster daughters, DFD9 and DFD5, who we are working to adopt, are biological full siblings to each other.  Their biological parents were in a horrible car accident immediately prior to DFD5’s birth.  Neither ultimately survived their injuries.  DFD9 was four at the time and briefly lived with her maternal grandparents while DFD5 was growing in the NICU.  Maternal grandmother died from a stroke shortly after her daughter’s death and Maternal grandfather had a significant heart attack shortly after his wife’s death.  He had open heart cardiac revascularization with various complications and a long post operative CCU course.  There was not other immediate family available and the girls were placed in and foster adoptive home.  For various reasons that foster adoptive home was not a good fit for DFD9 and she came to us initially for medical respite when she was seven and then was placed with us full time a little over a year later after the foster parents abandoned her at our home.  They just never collected her from our home after respite and fled the state with her little sister.  DFD5 joined us four months after that after the foster family was located when the foster dad was arrested for DUI.

I truly believe that both girls were always loved and cherished by their grandfather.  DFD9 was very close to him until she went into foster care and they have now reconnected so well that it is almost like they didn’t miss out on entire years together.  Except, sadly, they did.  DFD5 really never knew him until she came to live with us and because of her depression she was never able to connect with him until this past summer.  I believe she now genuinely feels connected to him, loved by him, and loves him in return.  He is a very kind, generous, and patient man and we feel that both girls, and our family, are better for his involvement in their lives.  He has also always been very kind to our other children and our younger girls don’t really question why they have three grandpas.  

Things that DFD9 & DFD5’s Grandfather has done which have been great:
-He has always been very respectful of our role as parents.  In his ideal world his daughter and son in law would be alive and raising the girls.  In reality, he is grateful that the girls have a second chance at a family with us.
-He has provided us with useful medical information (especially helpful for DFD9) and family history.
-Has helped us include and incorporate some of their family traditions into our family.
-He has helped the girls understand their history and has gifted them and us items that belonged to their parents.  He has done this without undermining us or our other children.
-Although we have not needed this, he has expressed a willingness to contribute towards the girls’ expenses.  He has set aside money for the girls education for later.  I also believe that if we were ever in a situation where we needed money for something one of our other children needed and asked he would give us the money if he had it because he views our other daughters as his grandchildren’s sisters.  

In your case, I think your best bet is make an effort and be prepared for the girls to have difficulty processing or not be ready to really connect if you didn’t have much of a relationship before.  Don’t be easily offended and don’t force anything.  Be prepared to step back but also willing to leave the door open.  Grief is hard in many different ways and on many different levels.  Life really is never the same again but life can be good again in different and new ways.  If these girls are the children of your husband’s sibling perhaps he will in time be able to help them keep the connection of their mother or father alive.  Perhaps he can help them honor the traditions of his birth family that his sibling incorporated into their family.  Perhaps he is in a position to help financially.

I’m sorry for your loss and I wish you the best in your efforts.

 

[katilac]

Because there was no 'reason' for the distance, no family fight or anything, I would probably take a more low-key approach of just increasing my involvement with no mention of the past. If they brought it up, I'd be prepared to discuss, but honestly, they may not have thought twice about it. Many people don't see extended family much at all, especially when they live far away. 

 

You expressed your feelings of regret very well, and that's what I would say to them if needed. However, unless the distance was one-sided on your part, I'd not bring up things that probably aren't on their radar, and that may make them feel worse.