Some questions

[happycc]

1) Do any of you homeschool when your husband is home?

2)Do any of you homeschool during the weekends?

3) Do any of you have husbands that get annoyed when you homeschool when he is home? 

 

Here is my dilemma:

 

Finding it hard to fit everything in during the week and during school hours (before husband gets home for work).

My toddler and preschooler makes things more challenging. So I prefer to get things done when husband is home to watch the kids but his idea when he is home is to sit in front of the computer and blast his downloaded movies. Our computers are in the homeschool room. Very distracting for the kids and still not getting much help with the little ones. 

 

So tell me how does your husband support your homeschooling endeavor? Perhaps can have him read what other homeschooling dads do for their family to help support the homeschooling endeavor. He pretty leaves all teaching/curriculum decisions up to me as I receive no feedback or suggestions really on anything.

[IsabelC]

My husband provides the following:

1. Moral support. He is fully in favor of home education, encourages me and is happy to talk to others about how much he likes it. He also has the job of reassuring me, stopping me from panicking and making sure that I look after myself.

2. Financial support. He does 95% of the income earning so I can be at home.

3. Input into our general education philosophy and how we will implement it. Even though I do most of the day to day teaching, I consult him pretty regularly on the broader aspects of what we'd like the kids to learn and how.

4. Backup schoolwork supervision if I have appointments for myself or the other children.

5. Teaching in specific areas that I don't teach. At the moment he is working with ds on sound engineering and archery. Previously he has done electronics and woodwork. 

6. Teaching when we think that a new or different approach is needed. I might tell him that ds still doesn't understand a certain math concept, dh might come up with a different way to present it and do that. I know this kind of sounds like I do the "boring" stuff and hubby jumps in just when it's interesting or when he feels like it, but actually this division of labor works pretty well for us. 

 

We have, in the past, done a few different timetables, including schooling Sunday to Thursday, unschooling at all hours, and schooling during "normal" school hours. My man has never objected or resented the time I spend on home schooling. He rarely objects to taking on other responsibilities so I can home school, including cooking and other household tasks. He certainly does not expect me to do all the schooling and all the housework while he is at work, and then be on hand to warm his slippers when he comes home!

 

I would not like to criticize your husband to you (and after all, I don't even know him), but if I read it correctly, you have five kids at home? I honestly don't think it is reasonable or fair for him to expect that he can come home and put his feet up every night. I truly hope that he will grow more supportive once you have had a good discussion with him about how you can best work together to parent and educate the children.

[blondchen]

My husband provides the following:

1. Moral support. He is fully in favor of home education, encourages me and is happy to talk to others about how much he likes it. He also has the job of reassuring me, stopping me from panicking and making sure that I look after myself.

2. Financial support. He does 95% of the income earning so I can be at home.

3. Input into our general education philosophy and how we will implement it. Even though I do most of the day to day teaching, I consult him pretty regularly on the broader aspects of what we'd like the kids to learn and how.

4. Backup schoolwork supervision if I have appointments for myself or the other children.

5. Teaching in specific areas that I don't teach. At the moment he is working with ds on sound engineering and archery. Previously he has done electronics and woodwork. 

6. Teaching when we think that a new or different approach is needed. I might tell him that ds still doesn't understand a certain math concept, dh might come up with a different way to present it and do that. I know this kind of sounds like I do the "boring" stuff and hubby jumps in just when it's interesting or when he feels like it, but actually this division of labor works pretty well for us. 

 

We have, in the past, done a few different timetables, including schooling Sunday to Thursday, unschooling at all hours, and schooling during "normal" school hours. My man has never objected or resented the time I spend on home schooling. He rarely objects to taking on other responsibilities so I can home school, including cooking and other household tasks. He certainly does not expect me to do all the schooling and all the housework while he is at work, and then be on hand to warm his slippers when he comes home!

 

I would not like to criticize your husband to you (and after all, I don't even know him), but if I read it correctly, you have five kids at home? I honestly don't think it is reasonable or fair for him to expect that he can come home and put his feet up every night. I truly hope that he will grow more supportive once you have had a good discussion with him about how you can best work together to parent and educate the children.

 

Ditto, especially the bolded. My DH is 100% supportive of homeschooling and does whatever he needs to in order to make it successful for us. He has a home office, and flexible hours, so he can choose to be with us during the day sometimes. Even in his off hours, he reads to the kids, teaches art, corrals the toddler, whatever. During the day I try to handle everything myself for the most part since he does need to get his work done, but if I NEED him, he's happy to help. Even if I didn't have his help during the day, his willing-to-do-whatever-it-takes attitude is what makes it possible for me to homeschool. In his mind, WE are homeschooling our children, not just Mama. It's a decision we made together and he is completely invested in it. I can't imagine it any other way.

 

I, too, hope your DH will become more supportive as you work these things out together.

[lewelma]

DH  reads/discusses history with the boys every weekday night for 1 hour.  I do all the book selection and just tell him what to read (he likes not having to make decisions after work).  He reads as much as he wants, discusses as he pleases, goes off on tangents, etc.  He is in charge of this time and I don't make any suggestions or comments.

 

He also does the violin lesson drop off/pick up on Saturday, and helps the younger with music 3x per week for 30 minutes each.

 

Probably every other weekend he reads a selection from the Philosophy for kids book, and discusses for 1 hour.  This is when/where he wants.  Next up he wants to read Art of Argument. But no tests or expectations.

 

Overall, he just enjoys learning with the kids, but wants to do it in a non-schooly way, which is fine with me.

 

(Plus he earns all the money and maintains our computer system!)

 

Ruth in NZ

[llifeon18wheels]

My husband and I drive as team truck drivers and we homeschool our daughter on the truck. We are Fil icone and I choose all curriculums. I tell him what I've chosen and why. He's fully supportive and boasts about me to his family (earns brownie points).

 

He reads whatever I need him to after he stops driving. He's the adventurer in our team and my daughter takes full advantage of that.

 

I pray that he has an ah-hah moment and that you feel heard. God can open his eyes. I hope that this changes for you both. He certainly is missing out on a lot of fun. Learning can be a blast :D

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I think this is more than a homeschool issue.  When my husband gets home from work and on the weekends, he INTERACTS with the kids.  Movies and music wait until after bed time.  He truly makes his short time with the kids (1-2 hours per week day, all weekend) an absolute priority.  We maintain a pretty strict and relatively early bedtime so that both adults can still have some quiet peace in the evenings to do what we'd like. 

 

His specific support to homeschooling:

- Accepting it, despite coming from a culture where it is unheard of

- Financial support- he earns the money, never complains about my book orders.  :-) 

- He teaches his own language to the kids, including teaching reading in that language.  This is a special 15 minutes that he spends with each child after dinner each evening, 7 days a week.  It is simply part of our bedtime routine. 

- He would never complain if, in the course of a weekend, I do a catch up math lesson or something with the bigger kids.  However, if his primary "purpose" was to "babysit" on evenings and weekends because I have not been organized enough during the week to get MY work done (aka homeschooling), I'm sure that would begin to annoy him. 

 

I don't mean that to sound harsh.  You have a lot more kids than I do, and many of them are older than mine.  I would make it my priority to get the 11yos as independent as possible so that the only thing they have in the evenings is "homework" that is work they did not finish during the day.  The kids can also trade off on keeping the little one busy so that you can rotate through the bigger kids.  If your husband isn't going to budge on his computer time, then either move the computer out of the school room or create a second working area for "homework" time- kitchen table or a desk in the kids' bedrooms. 

 

Have an honest discussion.  See where compromises can be made without resentment, then rearrange schedules, furniture, expectations to make it work.

 

 

[8filltheheart]

My dh is supportive, but he is also tired when he comes home. There are times when things have been completely haywire that when he comes home, he will rescue me from the disastrous day, but I try to make that the exception, not the norm. We both like time when he is home to be family time, not school time.

 

If I read your siggie correctly, at home you have 3 school agers, 2 11 yr olds and a 10 yr old, plus 2 younger kids. I'm not sure why you aren't able to finish your working with kids those ages during the course of the day unless there are learning disabilities involved. Working with them and then getting them to complete their work alone shouldn't take all day, evenings, and weekends.

 

Have you tried lots of different schedules? Getting up early before the 1 yr old, having the older kids take turns watching the younger ones while you work one on one with someone else, doing school while the 1 yr old is in the high chair eating?

 

I am in the minority here, but I don't think it is necessary, barring disabilities or serious medical issues for "My toddler and preschooler makes things more challenging. So I prefer to get things done when husband is home to watch the kids." I think there is room for time and household/ school management to not make it so either/or for both of you.

[abba12]

I think the issue is less to do with homeschooling and more to do with deeper issues and roles. I can't imagine my husband coming home from work to sit down and watch a movie while the children are still awake, he looks forward to spending time with them whenever he can. Not all dads love playing with kids mind you, but there's a big difference between talking to the kids when you get home and helping to get what needs to be done done, and completely zoning out in an entirely solo and non-constructive activity while the children are up. Perhaps you need to talk about your perceptions of how things should work. I know my husband is a very unusually hands-on type of dad, but I would find watching movies and not offering any help unacceptable. Those things can wait until after the kids go to bed, or for weekends.

 

As for what my husband does, he was homeschooled himself and is as excited about our school as I am. I do all the choosing and I completely teach the sequential, skill topics which need certain teaching approaches, eg math and language arts, but he looks forward to spending an hour or two on the weekend on something I have planned for him to do with DD1, whether it's a little science activity, or a handful of logic pages, or some fun motor skills activities (actually he does a lot of the motor skill stuff because of my disability, I just handle 'practice' during the week, but he teaches the skills initially). We intend to buy some lego education stuff in the next year or two, simple machines probably, with the specific intention of him doing them with the kids as a weekend activity once a month. I know our situation is more unique though, because he was homeschooled and is truly interested in education, even if he doesn't quite have the time, research, or psychology/child development knowledge which I have gained to help with it.

 

In fact he is waiting VERY impatiently for our big order to arrive this week because he can't wait to get counting bears out to do with DD1 and DD2. Yes, I am very blessed in this regard :) 

[Forgiven]

If my husband works from home it's harder to do school with the kids. Now, I love it when he's home with us, mind you, but the kids are excited that he's home too, so they aren't as behaved as they normally would be. We get less done when my husband is home.

 

Does he help with the schooling? No. But I'm okay with that. He didn't want to homeschool. I wanted to homeschool from before we even had kids, but he was against it, so when our first was school-aged, she went to a private school. It was after our third started pre-school did he realize that we couldn't afford private education for all three kids, and he is in agreement that they will not go to public school.

 

I originally was going to only homeschool one of our kids, but as I planned for that first year, I couldn't imagine sending two off to school while the third stayed home. He agreed, and so here we are. Does he fully support homeschooling? Not exactly, but he's okay with it for now. I fear that he'll want our kids to go to private high school (as he did...I'm sure he'll want them at his alma mater). We'll cross that bridge when we get there. He knows I want to homeschool throughout all of high school, so it won't come as a shock to him.

 

Anyway, since this was my dream, not his, I'm okay with doing all of the schooling. He's as supportive as I could ask, in that he doesn't butt his nose in when it's not wanted. He has done a few things with the kids, and he has told me that he'll teach some science subjects when we get around to them (he was an electrician, so he's waiting for certain things to teach).

 

We do not do school on the weekends unless the kids have a horrible day during the week and get nothing done. That's rare, and has maybe happened twice in three years.

 

When my husband comes home from work, he hangs out with the kids. I know he'd rather be doing other things, but our kids go to be pretty early, so he has time for his own stuff afterward (I go to bed around the same time as the kids as I start work at 3 am).

 

 

[MotherOfBoys]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that has a great daddy. My husband is begging me to finish school so he can take them out to the woods in the truck or to court to show them off or something. He asks to take the boys all the time. It helped when I got a job out of the house one day a week on his days off so he had to step up to the plate. I left no work for him to do and it started out as him watching tv while the boys played. Then he started to get more confidence and ventured out of the house with them. When I quit my job he was disappointed to not get his "manly time" with them so we make a point of being done with school for him. Dad expects school done and board games, reading together, nightly news together, and movies for the evening.

[dsbrack]

I second the advice to have an honest conversation about both of your expectations and roles in the family.  Try to set aside a time when you are not upset and both of you can communicate freely - ie.  after the kiddos are in bed.  We have a version of this conversation every Sunday night at our family meeting because my husband works full time and is earning his PhD.  His time is very precious right now and we both need to be on the same page about what we are accomplishing that week as a family and as individuals.  When he is home, he spends almost every second interacting with our boys.  I know he is tired and just wants to chill out, but he feels it is a strong priority to be playing and wrestling and reading to/with our boys.  It is not something he does FOR me.  It is a priority for our family as a whole and we all work to make sure he has that time with the kiddos. 

 

I also second the advice to get creative about how to structure your day.  Think through how you can combine subjects, get the older kids to help out more, maybe let housework slip a little in the name of getting school work done.  I'm not sure what all you can do because I'm obviously not in your shoes but I'm sure there are some ways to streamline and make your day more efficient. 

 

I'll throw a prayer out for your family as you work through this.  Blessings!

[lots of little ducklings]

I love to hear about all these great dads! And how they are all using their own unique gifts and personalities and resources to enrich their children's lives. They all have their own different approach, too, which is an important thing to note, OP (and Mr. OP, too). :-)

 

I too am blessed with a DH who is committed to his children. His own dad was largely absentee (and in many ways also a terrible role model), so he's committed to breaking that chain. And DH isn't exactly young; at 52 (with 5 children ages 6 and under) he really understands how precious time is and prioritizes the kids even when he'd rather just crash from exhaustion.

 

So here's how it looks for us: DH is the sole breadwinner, which a BIG DEAL. We both agree that the kids need me at home and he's made huge career sacrifices to allow this. He's an introvert, but in spite of being a computer scientist, he's gladly sacrificed technology in our home for the sake of our budget and our time together (no Internet, no gaming, no cable of any kind; just the smartphone that we share, DVDs from the library, and his iPod). He's given up most of his screen time; instead he decompresses by biking to/from work while listening to audiobooks. That way he's energized again by the time the kids attack him with kisses at the door. After dcs are in bed, he goes back to audiobooks or hobbies and most evenings we are working/relaxing together in the same room so we can talk casually without making any big "dialogue time" appointments (which he'd hate). Aaaaaand.... (Please note this, Mr. OP)......."No-screen-time-entertainment-except-on-weekends" means the kids sleep better at night, my emotional needs are met, and we therefore have a lot more time and energy to meet DHs needs too. ;-) ;-)

 

For schooling, I'm largely in charge of curriculum, methodology, formal teaching, etc. but DH is a major source of support. He talks me down from the ledge when necessary, and gives great feedback, esp. w/ DS who has inherited daddy's learning style, not mommy's. For now, any teaching he does is incidental, but he'll cover sciences as kids get older.

 

Around the house I do most things, including bills and finances. But he manages the wake up routines for the kids because I'm not good w/ people in themornings, and he manages bedtime routines too, because I'm shot by the end of the day. He doesn't cook or clean, but he does all the dishes at night, and takes care of his own laundry. And (a biggie), he takes the kids out most Saturdays for several hours so I get the house to myself to clean, finish projects, prep school, and just get a break from the kids. Plus, he gets time with them to do things HIS way (not mine); which means adventure, risks, exercise, outdoor time, and shopping cart races in the aisles at target. (Which apparently is cute when daddies do it; i'd just get the evil eye if i tried it). He and the kids LOVE Saturdays. DH misses it now when he can't do it (even though the idea of it used to overwhelm him).

 

So blessings to you both as you find out what works best for you. It's truly rewarding!

[happycc]

Thank you everyone for your insight. 

 

I should explain more information. 

I homeschool three step daughters who have been diagnosed with severe asthma, allergies and psychosocial dwarfism. They are spacey and one has learning disabilities. They are on multiple medications. 

My 4yrs old son has autism and has rages. My 1yrs old --so far so good but very very active, takes limited naps and not verbal yet.

 

I am pretty organized but I do keep the family busy. One of my kids have speech three times a week at two different places. The kids have their Awanas, Hacker Scouts, gymnastics, homeschool park days, spanish, science, critical thinking classes. 

 

My husband is great about shopping. He does all the shopping because he says I am not good at it. He also does all the dinner cooking because he doesn't trust me in the kitchen. Even though I cook breakfast and lunch. We are gluten free and casein free.  

 

So as soon as he is home after shopping, he cooks dinner. He also does maintain the computer systems to the best of his ability. He has tried to read to the kids or do lessons but he falls asleep in the middle of it. He does get up early in the morning but he also stays up late on the computer for various reasons/explanations. I am usually long asleep when he is on the computer. 

 

When he is home, he wants us to do what he wants. He is pretty good natured when I want to go to the science museum or something like that. But his ability to handle certain issues is limited. For example my dsd passed out yesterday at the museum and he kind of walked away. I needed help to get something to prop her legs up to get blood to her head as I was staying close to her checking her breathing and vials (I was an EMT prior to getting these last kids). I called him back to help me to get the jacket in the stroller to use to prop her feet up but he just stood there a little dumbfounded. A disconnect in communication perhaps but it was rather frustrating. Regardless, I am glad he was there at least he could hold the baby while I was dealing with our daughter. He wouldn't talk much after the event-it was like he was annoyed at her for passing out.

He does take my kids to evening activities and this started recently so I can catch up on corrections and such. And get a break. 

 

When I ask him what he wants me to use to teach the girls...he just said "Just use what the school uses." HUH? The schools textbook changes each year and because we move cities every couple of years, each school district chooses their own books and uses different publishers each year and now with Common Core--everything changes. I tell him the books we are using and asks him what he thinks and he says "why don;t you do what I tell you to do which is use the School textbooks" and I said "the ones I use seem better than the schools textbooks." Then he says "well then since you know everything... why bother asking me?" Maybe he has a point. I tell him the charter school we are with allows us to choose from various books and it just would be nice to have another person sitting down with me and looking and talking about the books. I am mean goodness..These are his daughter-his flesh and blood and my stepdaughters. I want my stepdaughter to have the best possible education that I can give them. 

 

The other issue is the money spent on curriculum. I showed him the Rainbow Resource catalog and he said "I am not reading this. Why are you using this? This has Bible stuff in there. Aren't you not supposed to use Christian stuff?" I had to explain it has non Christian stuff and that our charter school allows us to shop from the company. 

 

I am just doing my best but I don;t want to resent my husband or be mad at him. I would love for him to understand just what I do all day and night sometimes. He is in general pretty easy going but perhaps maybe clueless about being an involved dad as his dad was not involved whatsoever. In fact his dad was so uninvolved that he doesn;t talk to either parents. He doesnt miss them whatsoever. I do tell them that the kids are growing up fast and please to spend as much time with them because soon they won;t want to spend time with us. 

[kbutton]

Well, it looks like a lot of the curriculum you use requires some individual time with each of your kids, and that's a challenge. I can't imagine doing what you're doing with a 1 y.o., speech therapy 3x per week, etc. That doesn't make it impossible, but it does mean that you need to have everything going right most of the time. That doesn't happen in my world, but my kids are difficult (diagnosed difficulties). I actually had to change a couple of curriculum items this year for more automated work (more worksheet like than I had intended) when I intended those topics to be more one-on-one. It helped a lot. I also try to keep some "bad day" topics that are easy set aside for when it all goes south. I also try to keep a list of simple chores and things when kids hit a wall but I'm not available.

 

I do think this is more of a home culture thing than a homeschooling thing, except that your DH's relaxation preferences are undermining what you do. I don't think there's a nice way to put that. Even if you aren't "organized enough" by someone's standards to be finished when he gets home (and I doubt that's the case every day even if there are some days that's a problem), it's just not helpful to be disruptive. My husband is often home during the week or gone on the weekends. He works all kind of shifts (10 and 12 hours long) at all hours of the day, so we have to be flexible. If he's been working a string of days all together, we sometimes ditch school or do something fun (field trip, project) as family time. There are quite a few times that hubby unintentionally derailed us when we first started this whole business. Eventually he could see where I was coming from. For instance, he's not great at context, so I had to show him that when he wakes up mid or late morning from a late night shift, he's stepping right into the middle of my biggest instructional time block. He can't get the kids wound up, decide to snuggle with me, tell me about his shift, etc. right then. Now, he realizes he ought to get some breakfast and hit the Y on a morning like that (double-win because he used to get upset about not having time to exercise). Or, he'll go tackle a project in another room or outside or run errands. He needs his time alone, but he's learning to check with me to take the temperature for the day and then find something he can do with the hand we've both been dealt for the day.

 

It's not unusual at all for my husband and I to trade off kid responsibilities or stay in the same orbit together to put out fires when the day or evening is unusually bad (this goes for homeschooling days, days off, evenings, weekends). We are each other's right hand man when it's a bad day. Even if we are not doing school, we often each take a child with us to do what we need to do. If one parent has both children, they aren't expected to get much done during that time (we have exceptionalities to deal with that affect behavior, organization, etc.). My parents are expert organizers and great at getting kids to comply. My dad is from a large family, and my mom had a lot of responsibility at a young age. Even they aren't too keen on taking both of my children at the same time. Sometimes you have to adapt to the hand you are dealt. My husband has to step up when he is home.

 

My husband doesn't do a lot directly with school, but he is willing to step in if a child is just not responding to certain instruction and he thinks hearing it from someone else might help. He will also check answers so that a child can be released to go on to another activity or listen to my Kindergartener read, etc. He'll take the kids to the Y when it's very important that I catch up or have an uninterrupted period of time to do an important job. I do the same for him. He also listens when I need to talk through my ideas.

 

It's not been easy. If your husband has never been this way, it's going to be even harder. My husband came around after I flaked out big time (all right, several times--we didn't have a diagnosis for a long time for our older son, and it was very stressful). It wasn't pretty.

[kbutton]

You replied while I was writing. You have a lot on your plate! I suggest (gently) that your husband may have some undiagnosed issues as well and/or find that disengaging is his natural inclination when dealing with stress. Some of this could be lack of modeling from his family. Or, his family could have a chain of undiagnosed issues (Asperger's, AD/HD, executive functioning weaknesses, etc.), so the skills may have been absent and unvalued (they might not have known what they were missing). I have seen this. It's not fun, and it takes time to deal with it all. If he is open to talking frankly and realistically about skills and skill deficits you both possess, your tolerance for busyness, etc. and then reformulating a game plan, that would help a lot. There are many things we are good at, but both of us need lots of time to re-energize, regroup, and be alone. That dramatically affects what we choose to do. If you both have different ways of recharging (or your kids do), you have to take all of that into consideration, or you're just headed for burnout.

 

I would also suggest that you have way too many outside activities and/or they potentially tax spread you thin. We have only one evening activity (Awana) because my older son can't handle more than one late night (defined as in bed later than 8), or we're all in trouble. There is no way to change this biological need or wiring (and he gets up late in the AM too). All other outside activities require nothing from us except showing up (gym at the Y and a Saturday enrichment program that meets 18 Saturdays throughout the school year). They are daytime activities, but they do not run during school hours. That's it. We CAN'T do anything else. When my hubby and I were talking the other day, he expressed how his family growing up didn't really do a good job of realistically evaluating what they could handle, and it caused a lot of stress. They were always too optimistic, bit off too much to chew, and it was difficult. I have no plans to replicate that.

 

:grouphug:

[MomatHWTK]

Having multiple SN kids is a drain emotionally and physically on both parents.  Working full time and taking on household activities is not an unreasonable burden, but the individual also needs down time just as you need down time.  What we have found in our household is that the down time is precious and we often forgo sleep or other more necessary activities in order to just be alone, doing something mindless (like watching a movie) and recharging.  It can become a source of conflict because often, instead of working as a team the parents are competing against one another for that precious commodity known as peace.  :)

 

Our solution has been to radically reprioritize and try to show each other grace.  I made a list of the things that I absolutely hate being responsible for and drew the proverbial line in the sand about doing them (dishes, cooking).  In exchange for DH picking up my slack in these areas, I try to be understanding when he needs to put on his headphones and watch a movie.  BTW, headphones are a good solution to the blasting sound issue.  I have chosen to be more selfish about my own time and instead of trying to do all the fun stuff all the time that the kids want to do- I take more time to do what I want to do.  The kids will survive without every trip to the park, museum, etc.  I won't survive without a sanity break. 

 

I chose some online and computer based classes this year and spent the $ in order to buy myself the gift of time. 

 

Take some time yourself to identify what are absolute necessities for school, household and life.  If you are able to meet those needs, then move onto extras.  If you are stretched so thin that those needs can't be met or can't be met well, then it is time to think very hard about changing your approach and/or goals.  :grouphug:  Once you've given everything some serious thought and have some solid ideas of how to proceed then bring your DH into the discussion and ask how or what he is willing to change. 

 

ETA: After reading your 'keeping busy' post it looks like you have pretty high expectations as to what individuals can handle as far as going and doing.  There is NO WAY my DH and I could remain sane on that schedule and still try to do the actual teaching of children.  My DH would probably just completely zone out and hide. LOL!  I would advise that you begin with the basics of building the family you want to have.  Work on being home, doing some light interaction as a family with DH.  After that has become a habit, move toward the next level.  Right now you are trying to achieve advanced level involved dad- you are trying calculus before mastering addition. ;) 

[happycc]

Sometimes I think the Krux of it is that he said he never wanted kids in the first place and that his wives wanted them and that is why he had them. Kind of a cop out but ok whatever. 

 

Basically with his ex in regards to the kids he just defaulted to her since she had 7 kids when he married her and decided to have three more after going to North Carolina to have her tubes untied. However he never seemed to care until after the divorce that the girls were left in a crib most of the day or wasnt interacted much etc. Or taken out of the house much-they were terrified of the zoo, escalators, never been to a library or bookstore when I got them at the age of 3 and 4yrs. They were still in diapers and sucking on bottles. They were sick constantly and were not given their medication regularly according to the medical records at Kaiser. When I first met my husband one daughter had been hospitalized for a week with several runs to the emergency in the ambulance. Since I have gotten them, no ER runs, no ambulance, no hospitalizations and we go everywhere. My girls are very very quiet and withdrawn and part of their "therapy" is to do a lot of outside activities and get them use to people.. They didn;t like school because they didn;t want to interact with people much. 

 

I told him not to make the same mistake and default everything to his wife again. ;) He should pay attention to what I am doing with his kids as they are his kids. That has opened up more conversation since last night. 

[kbutton]

It sounds like you have plowed forward and tackled many responsibilities and challenges that were necessary. Every stage of life requires a bit of re-evaluating and tweaking. Getting the stepdaughters out of the house and learning to not be afraid of things is not the same as signing up for every activity. Consider how you can combine being out and about with getting things done that are part of ordinary life--letting them pay the cashier at the grocery store, help them return items at customer service, teach them how to make phone calls about something they need, etc. There are many kids that lead quiet lives at home that still learn to interact and not be afraid. You don't have to go full-force outside the home to accomplish desensitizing them to things.

 

I come from a rural area with much fewer opportunities for zoo, etc. but plenty of people opportunities in day-to-day life. When people talk about all the things their kids haven't been "regularly exposed to," I admit that I roll my eyes and yawn. It didn't hurt that I grew up an hour from a mall, hour(s) from museums and zoos (that's what vacation is for, and besides, we had cows, deer, all kinds of wildlife anyway!). The biggest change is driving--much bigger, busier, crazy roads--and having patience with waiting at 4 red lights to drive one mile. Was I (am I) naïve about a few things still? Yes, but no more so than a city person transplanted in a rural area (trust me, naïve goes both ways).

[lots of little ducklings]

Thank you everyone for your insight.

 

I should explain more information.

I homeschool three step daughters who have been diagnosed with severe asthma, allergies and psychosocial dwarfism. They are spacey and one has learning disabilities. They are on multiple medications.

My 4yrs old son has autism and has rages. My 1yrs old --so far so good but very very active, takes limited naps and not verbal yet.

 

I am pretty organized but I do keep the family busy. One of my kids have speech three times a week at two different places. The kids have their Awanas, Hacker Scouts, gymnastics, homeschool park days, spanish, science, critical thinking classes.

 

My husband is great about shopping. He does all the shopping because he says I am not good at it. He also does all the dinner cooking because he doesn't trust me in the kitchen. Even though I cook breakfast and lunch. We are gluten free and casein free.

 

So as soon as he is home after shopping, he cooks dinner. He also does maintain the computer systems to the best of his ability. He has tried to read to the kids or do lessons but he falls asleep in the middle of it. He does get up early in the morning but he also stays up late on the computer for various reasons/explanations. I am usually long asleep when he is on the computer.

 

When he is home, he wants us to do what he wants. He is pretty good natured when I want to go to the science museum or something like that. But his ability to handle certain issues is limited. For example my dsd passed out yesterday at the museum and he kind of walked away. I needed help to get something to prop her legs up to get blood to her head as I was staying close to her checking her breathing and vials (I was an EMT prior to getting these last kids). I called him back to help me to get the jacket in the stroller to use to prop her feet up but he just stood there a little dumbfounded. A disconnect in communication perhaps but it was rather frustrating. Regardless, I am glad he was there at least he could hold the baby while I was dealing with our daughter. He wouldn't talk much after the event-it was like he was annoyed at her for passing out.

He does take my kids to evening activities and this started recently so I can catch up on corrections and such. And get a break.

 

When I ask him what he wants me to use to teach the girls...he just said "Just use what the school uses." HUH? The schools textbook changes each year and because we move cities every couple of years, each school district chooses their own books and uses different publishers each year and now with Common Core--everything changes. I tell him the books we are using and asks him what he thinks and he says "why don;t you do what I tell you to do which is use the School textbooks" and I said "the ones I use seem better than the schools textbooks." Then he says "well then since you know everything... why bother asking me?" Maybe he has a point. I tell him the charter school we are with allows us to choose from various books and it just would be nice to have another person sitting down with me and looking and talking about the books. I am mean goodness..These are his daughter-his flesh and blood and my stepdaughters. I want my stepdaughter to have the best possible education that I can give them.

 

The other issue is the money spent on curriculum. I showed him the Rainbow Resource catalog and he said "I am not reading this. Why are you using this? This has Bible stuff in there. Aren't you not supposed to use Christian stuff?" I had to explain it has non Christian stuff and that our charter school allows us to shop from the company.

 

I am just doing my best but I don;t want to resent my husband or be mad at him. I would love for him to understand just what I do all day and night sometimes. He is in general pretty easy going but perhaps maybe clueless about being an involved dad as his dad was not involved whatsoever. In fact his dad was so uninvolved that he doesn;t talk to either parents. He doesnt miss them whatsoever. I do tell them that the kids are growing up fast and please to spend as much time with them because soon they won;t want to spend time with us.

Wow. I am truly amazed at the unique challenges you are facing. Sorry if I missed any of this in your siggy (I can't view those on mobile). A huge bravo to you for all you are already accomplishing in a day!

 

Some quick thoughts in light of that context:

1. Do you feel you can/should cut back on extracurriculars or elective subjects? Charter school may limit your options on this, but your schedule sounds really really heavy to me. I'd already be long burnt-out if I were trying to maintain that, even with a supportive hubby.

2. My DH doesn't formally teach the kids, nor do I try to school when he's home. Kids are just too excited around him, his schedule is regular, and our school obligations are intentionally kept to a manageable level, so it's possible to complete most work when he's gone. But I can totally see why you'd feel you need that assistance, particularly with your 4 yr old's special needs. Still, even if your DH were helping, would weekends/evenings work for your DSDs? Fit their rhythms? Or do you really need daytime assistance?

3. It sounds like communication is a real sticking-point with you and DH, I'm guessing you don't feel you are on the same page, and resolving this issue is probably key to everything else. Do you feel counseling (pastoral, or professional) would help? Or even just a restful retreat w/ hubby away from stresses at home?

[lots of little ducklings]

Phooey- missed kbutton's replies while I typed, but ditto to all that!

[justamouse]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[happycc]

We have had time where we just stayed home for a year when I was on bedrest for several months for the last two kids. One year I didnt have a license so home all day 24 hours 7 days a week. Staying home is great. I love it however then I am fighting with the kids and husband about too much screen time. The kids and husband  if I would let them spend ALL day watching TV and I am not talking about documentaries. Their bio mom had ten kids and each kids room had a TV and they would be allowed to watch 24 hours/7 days a week. The toddlers/babies room even had a TV. When I first met the girls, we had lots of "fights" as they wanted to stay up to 2am watching TV and wanting coco cola in a baby bottle and pop tarts all day long. They were never read to by their mom or played with her.  It has been a fight to improve things for all of them. 

[happycc]

Oh when my kids have quiet time here at the house, I would like them to make and do things, build with Legos, read books, jump on the trampoline, crafts,whatever even making mudpies but they always defer back to TV/computer. I think it is something that they are use to from early childhood. 

 

Anyways, I guess right now we are preparing and spending as much outside time before my younger son needs ABA therapy at home which means being stuck at the house all day while the ABA therapists come and do their thing. They don;t allow you to ever leave the house while they are there and they are there at least five hours a day. At least that is what it was like with the 4yrs old. 

[happycc]

I do want to add that people who spend a lot of time quiet/alone time often live in Rural areas. We live right in the hustle and bustle in middle of the SF BAY AREA. Plus I guess our backyard and duplex is not as large as some houses out in other states. Things are pretty cramped and most families need to get out of the house or else you will have the kids nearly climbing the walls after a day in the house or two. When we lived out out on a ranch, we rarely left the property but living in 1100 or even 1700 sq feet home with several kids in just 3 bedrooms...it gets slightly crampy. I think the worst was living in a one bedroom apt with six kids. That was rough.  My kids can't just go out and run around on the streets without 1) getting runned over by a lowrider car 2) possible getting picked up and groped at 3) CPS calling on you 4) getting approached for drugs 5) getting shot at..We are not exactly in the best of neighborhoods the last couple of years due to the economy. It is hard for my kids to run around in the house because we have people living below us. 

[happycc]

Oh yes Headphones. We have them-for each computer in fact and I had asked him to put them on so he could watch his movie but that is when he went on a rant about why they are still doing schoolwork....

 

I think the biggest issue when dealing with him is the defensiveness. 

 

 

 

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

This will sound petty, but it's a peeve of mine. Homeschool dads are not spouses of mothers who homeschool; Homeschool dads are dads who homeschool. Yes, it's semantics, but as an extreme minority, semantics matter. Ok, off the soapbox....

 

I can teach anything, but DW is the tenured PS teacher with the knack and genuine interest in research, so the bulk of curriculum choice follows a pattern. She'll find the source, I'll field test it with DD, and we'll stick with it or modify year to year.

 

DW teaches the reduced load with DD each summer, plus any school-year days when I'm, say in the hospital, or in recovery mode, etc. It can be rather fluid.

 

Maybe that comfort with fluidity is what lead us to consider our non-traditional roles? Well, that and practical matters of salary n benefits stuff. Is my job easier with one kid? Uh, yup.

 

I often hesitate to post in some topics because it would just be so much easier to take a husband or two and say "Dude, look. Can you just elevate your worldview and move beyond the alpha male crap?" but I know it's futile, as I'm really the oddball.

 

So....yeah. I got nothin.

[MomatHWTK]

It sounds like you are really rolling up your sleeves and wanting to make changes and everyone else is not on board.  To avoid defensiveness, you may need to slow things down. 

 

1) Do any of you homeschool when your husband is home?

Sometimes.

 

2)Do any of you homeschool during the weekends?

Yes, on Saturdays.

 

3) Do any of you have husbands that get annoyed when you homeschool when he is home? 

No, but I don't ask him to stop what he is doing so that I can homeschool when he is home. 

[Tiramisu]

I try to avoid hsing when dh is home because it's a disruption. Because he's not home during the day often enough, he simply does not understand our schedule, and then says things like, let's go the the park, or let's clean up the playroom today not realizing we have to do school. It's wonderful really, but just not conducive to hsing.

 

He supports me emotionally, but not so much practically. I have learned that I can't rely on him for regular teaching, his schedule interferes with it and he just doesn't remember since he doesn't have it as part of a daily schedule.

[happycc]

In general in the past I tried to be sure that homeschooling was done once dad got home but since the toddler became a toddler. Things have been different. 

 

He is into terrorizing the house and me. 

 

I am sure it is something that will pass once he settles down more. 

 

I just want my husband to sometimes to take the initiative and perhaps help me by trying to put the younger two down earlier so I can work with the olders a little.

 

I guess all this will soon pass.