Elisabet1 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 In college, my son has stopped his medication. He insists he is taking it. He has some medical problems, which include some neurological problems. That is as bare as I can explain it. Problem is, when he is off his medication, he gets scatterbrained and hostile. It is like dealing with someone with alzihemers and teenage rebellion all at once. Part of the condition of his being able to live on campus and have funding was that he take his medication. He also doesn't do his work. His grades came out with a 2.25 at the end of this past semester. He loves living on campus. But, his college is in a small town where he has been unable to get any medical care or such. He is not too far away (an hour away) and just goes to his regular doctor here. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am quite worried that I might be doing worse, rather than good, by leaving him on a campus so far away. He has his independence, but he might be ruining his future with bad grades? He is a smart person. He loves being off at college. But he becomes angry, impulsive, forgetful, and irresponsible when off his medication. I can even tell a change in his voice when he is not taking it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdahoHomeschooler Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I'm not sure of the best way to say this, and please know that I am being kind in my intentions by recommending that you consider a counselor to help you with this stage in your life. The "Letting Go" stage of raising young adults can be truly challenging for some parents. You have many posts/threads centered around this theme with regards to your older children. A message board is great for support, but a therapist or counselor can really help with this transition in a very meaningful way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 If he's 18 and not in actual danger, your only recourse really is to decline to offer further financial support until/unless his grades improve. For example, you might give him a heads up that you will not be funding a fall semester if he doesn't pull a 3.0 for the spring semester, so you recommend that he use all the resources available to him (meds, tutoring center, help available at home on the weekend if he chooses, etc.) to make that happen. Is there someone else whose opinion he'd be more apt to consider on the subject? A close aunt or uncle, perhaps, who could make a concerned phone call? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I am assuming your ds is an adult over 18. You cannot do anything. Your ds has to figure out for himself how to maneuver through school with or without medication. You could give a parameter that you will not provide financial support if his GPA is under a certain. You could find out if there are medical and counseling practices that accept whatever insurance your ds has in his college town and give him the list of local medical practices, noting what might be on town bus route. A town with a college is going to some medical practices, perhaps not the range of choices of your home, but some will be available. He needs to figure out how to live his life long condition. From what you've said he wants to do it on his own. Even if he regularly came home to visit a medical professional-he may not be completely honest with that professional simply because you picked out the professional and it is one more way you are controlling him (ds). As for his future, he won't really have a decent future if every step he has to turn and look at mom and say "am I doing this right". There's a small chance that your intervention will result in your ds looking better on paper (better GPA, test scores), but how will he respond in job interview. If he gets a job, will he actually like it or will he just be doing what he thought mom wanted. There are lots of people who screwed up at the beginning of college for a lot of reasons and later figured how and why they wanted to be a certain career/education path and got things turned around. The success ones tend to be people who got on track by their own decisions. It's painful watching a child do this (I'm right in it now). But you will not help your ds by trying to take control and fix things the way you think they should go. You can let him know you are available, but you have to let him make decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lori D. Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 :grouphug: Elisabet :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Perhaps you can help him find a "life coach," "personal assistant," or whatever title they might go by. These are the people who essentially act as the stereotyped old fashioned secretary to the busy but easily distracted CEO's of yesteryear. This would be someone to check in with him to help him work out a schedule that works for him and he can maintain, someone who can make sure he's gotten to the pharmacy, called the docs as needed, paid the bills, etc. You're not alone in this. You might find a chapter of NAMI in your area that can help you more, or at least put you in touch with others who have wrestled the same damn demons. *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 There are a couple universities that I have heard of that will assign a "buddy" (I don't know the real term) for those who might need a little assistance away from home - usually for those with Aspergers, ADD, etc. You might check ds's school and see if they have a program like that. ((Hugs)) Parenting and Not Parenting can be very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Running the race Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Hugs. This could be me next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 He has a counselor here. The counselor and he has a rehabilitation person too, both tried to find him someone in the small town his college is in. There is no one there. There is, however, an academic skills person. But they are not a counselor. When he comes back next summer, he will go to ABA, which is turns out is done with adults too. I am not sure what it will involve at his age though. Plus he has a counselor and doctor here too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 We will be in a similar situation here. Actually, our son's therapist recommended that we pursue extended guardianship for ds because the consequences of him being off meds is not just bad grades and poor life skills, but possibly life or death. We will have to help him find a therapist and a psychiatrist where he goes to school. That is partially why I am not interested in a rural location for him. We, as a rule, require FERPA waivers for our kids as a condition of us sending our money with them. It is not that we will use it if everything is going OK. Also, we require them to sign HIPPA forms so that we can get information if they are in a bad situation. For both of my boys, their scholarships have minimum GPAs attached and they know that we can't send them back if they don't keep their scholarships - it simply is not affordable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 We will be in a similar situation here. Actually, our son's therapist recommended that we pursue extended guardianship for ds because the consequences of him being off meds is not just bad grades and poor life skills, but possibly life or death. We will have to help him find a therapist and a psychiatrist where he goes to school. That is partially why I am not interested in a rural location for him. We, as a rule, require FERPA waivers for our kids as a condition of us sending our money with them. It is not that we will use it if everything is going OK. Also, we require them to sign HIPPA forms so that we can get information if they are in a bad situation. For both of my boys, their scholarships have minimum GPAs attached and they know that we can't send them back if they don't keep their scholarships - it simply is not affordable. The problem with extended guardianship is it affects his financial aid. Being an adult with a disability means he has gotten additional money toward school. And the state pays for his counseling and such too. It was suggested we consider the guardianship too, but then, for financial reasons, we did not do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Just offering :grouphug: and prayers from here. And hoping your guy will get life figured out whether staying in college or not. The transition to adulthood is tough for many - even tougher when they have medical issues to sort out and deal with. Definitely lots of :grouphug: for mom though. (My guy tends to do the opposite of what we'd like if we push him. It's not fun.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Does the school not have a health center or counseling center? Most do, with doctors and psychologists. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I hope things are going well for the OP and her son. I read your post in sympathy. Dd isn't taking advantage of her accommodations this semester. She did very well last semester and thought she could handle anything, but her grades are lower this semester and now she's becoming discouraged since she could not possibly work harder than she is. It could be an easy fix... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Hugs to all those whose children are facing an especially difficult transition to independent adulthood. We've watched two of oldest's friends go through the I-feel-fine-I-don't-need-my-medication-now-why-is-everyone-so-scared cycle. Even with no extra issues, this transition can be very scary for everyone involved and it is truly terrifying for the families with extra challenges. I will say that of the two transitions we've seen, the thing that absolutely saved the young adults was the continued support and love of their families. There was some tough love involved, obviously, but for the most part, they picked up the pieces and helped the young adult start over again, armed with good resolutions. After a number of cycles, the young people began to get the idea. Without that support, I hate to think where they would be now. Lost, for sure. In both cases, the young people were a significant drain on the family resources for a number of years. Their families had to expand their personal definition of "medical" expenses rather drastically. OP and the other WTM families facing this, wishing you strength and a bottomless fund of unconditional love. More hugs, Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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