Ds is very stressed about college, sats etc. Help. Advice. Commiseration.

[Sisyphus]

So, Ds (15, a sophomore) told me yesterday he thinks he may be depressed. He is practicing his instruments much less, spending all his time in his room, short with his much loved brother- I can see the signs. He has a dr appt next weds.

 

Mostly, it is school that he is stressed about. As a homeschooler, this makes me sad. He takes 2 classes at the public hs- ap music theory and a foreign language. He does well. But the atmosphere is very stressful, kids pass around their report cards and actively vie for highest grades, a billion extra curriculars, etc. It's a pressure cooker- if I named the district, you might know it. He is doing absolutely brilliantly, especially considering he has challenges. He made very respectable PSAT scores, and he took it cold. I am thrilled with his progress, I feel he is getting an excellent education and honestly- this whole home schooling thing has worked out wonderfully. For me. Ds, on the other hand, is stressed about sats, college, not getting into a competitive foreign language program (that like 3% of applicants get into!) and just life in general.

 

I hate it. We have achieved success and Ds is miserable. I want to tell him "screw it- plan on cc, no more sats, let's get off this crazy train". But he is succeeding on the crazy train...and I feel like it will limit him. Or do I feel like it will reflect on me- all these years of homeschooling, and no high sats and aps and college acceptances to trumpet? I can't really say. I can push him, he is a good kid who will put his heart into his work. But it's hurting his soul. My main reason for homeschooling in the first place was his spirit- and now here in high school it is being crushed and I am saying "more, more, more". Or is this preparation for the "real world", where no one cares you are stressed? Do we even want the approval of that world, and why? He is torn- he can do it, he wants to on some level, but he isn't happy. How important is happy?

 

Help. I want to tell him to read his great books and write his stories and just get by in math and go to cc and be happy. If you can't be happy at 15, good gravy, when can you?

[PeterPan]

Ok, this is a rabbit trail, but I wanna hear about the "competitive foreign language program" that is so awesome and selective that a kid should give up his whole high school experience for, lol.  I've studied several languages, done summer programs but application, traveled, etc.  Lots of people all over the world learn their languages without the top tier programs, and there are lots of good programs out there.  Maybe he's getting advised by people who are of the mindset that a certain tier is the only way to go and anything else is failure?  I've read about that.  Haven't lived it, even at the rather top tier school in a podunk state I went to.  There are just so many ways to be happy and accomplish his goals.  If he wants to get off the train and just focus on being happy, he can.  But hey, I'd love to hear about this program that's enticing him and making him sweat bullets and be willing to give up so much for.   :D

 

PS.  Why does being happy have to mean slouching on the academics and going to a cc???  It just means there are more schools on the planet and that he should do WHAT HE WANTS BECAUSE HE WANTS.  If the school doesn't want him, it's their loss.  There are plenty more good colleges on the planet.

[Elisabet1]

My daughter was a very successful person academically. She was in public school (still is, graduates this spring). High test scores, etc. But she completely flipped out! Coming in to senior year, she lost it. She could not do her apps. She could not do her college applications, should could not write essays. I mean, the flipping out was even worse than what I am describing. I just don't feel comfortable going in to all the details.

 

But, I am not sure what I could have done different. I wish she had done the testing on a different timeline. She took the PSAT in her junior year and got a 216. Her SAT followed in December and got close to 2100. We felt she could score so much better, if only she retook them. AFter all, 216 on the PSAT should equal a higher score..right? Well, stupidly, schedule the retake in the middle of AP test weeks, which was May. Then, she was flipping out at this point and did not want to take SAT 2 at that time. The SAT cancelled the Sept test date so she took the SAT 2 in October. One of her scores on the SAT 2 was horrible. She could have and should have taken a different SAT 2 test for that. She decided to retake the SAT again, because she had no math in previous school year and was so busy with the AP exams that she never studied for the SAT that May. She changed her mind and didn't really want to retake the SAT after I had paid, so she had to go anyway. Then she only raised the math SAT score by 10 points! One of her SAT 2 scores were great. So she ended up with a 2100 on the SAT.

 

I never should have allowed 3 takes of the SAT. I never should have scheduled the SAT for the same dates as the AP tests. Maybe she could have taken the subject tests that week if she was taking the same subjects as the AP tests.

 

I am actually ticked that colleges expect PSAT, SAT, SAT 2, and AP exams. She was tested constantly in her junior year! To top it off, the public schools also have the TAKS tests! Not kidding. In addition to the TAKS tests at the public schools, which I think is 4 days worth, they have test runs throughout the year where entire days are taken off for practice Taks tests...even the students in the AP classes have to do that. They actually had to schedule make ups of some Taks tests because they were during AP test week. I feel like these people in the government who decided kids needed to have the daylights tested out of them felt their THEIR kids are in expensive private schools, and the public schooled kids are so far beneath them that the public schoolers need to be tested like crazy and forced to "prove" their diplomas in ways that the private schoolers never have to do.

 

Anyway, aside from that, if I did anything over again..I would only allow the SAT twice, once after the PSAT, and then if she really wanted to repeat, in the next fall maybe. And on the SAT 2, it would be taken sometime in the junior year, not to interfere with AP test time. 

 

I don't get why admissions offices require the SAT 2 on top of the AP exams. If a student took AP exams, those admissions offices should not be requiring the SAT 2s also. 

 

Oh..and I would have made sure my daughter had a list of all her activities through high school so that she did not have to spend so much time trying to remember. I actually told her to do that. Then through the years I kept reminding her to add this or that to it. But when application time came, she told me she never did it. I should have checked up on her all those years. Then things would have been more relaxed. I would have visited colleges much sooner than we did. We visited a few in 11th grade, but not many. Then three over the summer before senior year. Senior year ended up being too busy to visit anything. And applications are due very early for good scholarships and/or early decision/action.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have some experience with a high-achieving, talented son getting too close to the edge with stress and overwork. I wasn't sure for awhile because he was the one in the driver's seat...but then I did enforce a Back to Reality season. More music, more nature, more exercise, more friends, and deliberately moving away from people who Play the Game as their life's mission. The boy deserved to find HIS mission, and to be happy.

Because he loved his lessons and his strong academic focus, he did keep those pursuits once the air cleared. He's fine. His dreams are within his grasp.

 

[Erica in OR]

Looking back on my own high school/college/life experience, I've come to believe the race to the "one perfect college" makes little difference in the end for the majority of students. A motivated student can succeed anywhere they end up, along with the fact that there's no guarantee that what someone wants to do now is what they will want to do after they're in a particular college program anyway. I had my own stressed out high school experience, with SAT II tests for my dream college. Got wait listed there and ended up somewhere totally different for college. Within the first year, I made a huge change in the major I thought I wanted to pursue and connected with a professor who directed my independent research and several years after graduation led me to the best job I might have imagined. I also had a wonderful time and ended up meeting my DH at a nearby college.

 

There is no one perfect college path. There are many paths (some unexpected) that will lead to a content, fulfilled life. To a large extent, it's not the college that makes the path, it's the person.

 

Erica in OR

[Jenny in Florida]

 

PS.  Why does being happy have to mean slouching on the academics and going to a cc???  It just means there are more schools on the planet and that he should do WHAT HE WANTS BECAUSE HE WANTS.  If the school doesn't want him, it's their loss.  There are plenty more good colleges on the planet.

 

This.

 

I have two extremely bright and academically capable kids. However, neither of them has gotten on the high school crazy train. Each has found his/her own path that deviates from the norm in big ways.

 

So, my daughter did high school early and at home, enrolled in a residential early college program at age 12 and got her B.A. at 16. Then, she came home and settled into focusing on the stuff that actually matters to her: doing theatre, studying acting and voice with local teachers she loves, catching up on the dance training she skipped earlier, reading widely and deeply about theatre, letting herself grow up. While some of her early college peers are busy applying for graduate school, she has been working and saving money so she can move herself to NYC sometime this summer.

 

Sometimes, she panics a bit, wondering if she's doing it wrong, if she "should" be going to grad school, too. She feels a little self-conscious about her choices when she is asked what she's "doing" and knows that, given her early start, people expect certain things from her. And every time she has one of these periods of self-doubt, I remind her that she hasn't closed a single door. She could drop everything and go to grad school any time she wanted to do so. Then, she breathes and calms down and remembers that she doesn't actually like school and doesn't really need a graduate degree to do what she wants to do with her life. And all is well.

 

My son, meanwhile, had no interest in following in his sister's footsteps and doing the radical acceleration thing. He has preferred to take the scenic route, educationally. He does quite well academically without pushing himself too hard and still has time to do lots of other things he loves. He's done a lot of theatre, put in well over 200 volunteer hours at local museums and theatres, participates in church youth group, sings with a choir (and has travelled with them), reads a lot of fantasy novels, makes costumes for sci-fi conventions, learns magic tricks, watches too much TV, and dances many, many hours each week.

 

He started high school at home a year early, mostly because all of his closest friends are a year older and he wanted to stay in the same "grade" with them. When we reached the point at which Mom-led school wasn't working any longer, he enrolled in online classes. When he got bored with those, he dual enrolled at the local community college. Somehow, along the way, he's managed to accumulate enough credits to graduate at the end of his third year. Instead of stalling just for the sake of taking the usual four years, he's opted to go ahead and start college full time in the fall.

 

He has taken the ACT three times, but has never done much formal prep or practice. His scores put him in the top 10% nationally. He could do better, if we forced the issue, but we've chosen not to do so. He has taken some honors courses and will have 22 dual enrollment credit hours by the time he graduates from our homeschool. His GPA is good, but not stellar in a world in which the average GPAs of students admitted to selective colleges is higher than 4.0. Together, we did a lot of research and came up with a list of 10-ish colleges that offer majors and programs that appeal to him and where he would be in the top 25% based on his test scores and grades, which puts him in line for good scholarships and means he should not find the academic load overwhelming.

 

Thus far, he's been accepted to five colleges and has received the top merit aid available at each and invitations to honors programs at two. (He's still waiting to hear from the rest.) He's now in the process of auditioning for entrance to specific programs and for additional scholarships. But it is clear he will have some good options for college.

 

Most of his friends are doing high school much more traditionally, with multiple APs and tons of pressure and no time to pursue outside interests or even just hang out on the weekend. All of his friends miss church on a fairly regular basis, because they have to stay home and do schoolwork. I'm sure each of them will get into excellent colleges, quite possibly colleges that are more "prestigious" than wherever my son ends up attending. And every now and then, I wonder if we're doing this "right."

 

But my son seems happy and is thriving both academically and personally. Could he do "more?" Absolutely. But I don't believe he must do more just because he could. What he is doing seems to be working out really well for him.

 

There is absolutely a middle path between the high school pressure cooker and slackerville. Maybe it's time to sit down with your son and have a real heart-to-heart about what he wants for his future, both short term and long term, and adjust his path accordingly. It's not too late to make meaningful changes that could greatly increase his opportunities to be happier in the next couple of years.

[8filltheheart]

What is driving the panic about getting into a competitive college?   Is it simply the feeding frenzy of peers?   Does he have realistic understanding of the college admission process?   Why has he latched on to a particular college at 15? 

 

FWIW, I would not want my child attempting to attend a school that causes anxiety and stress or creates the belief that they need to mold their high school life around the vague possibility of admission.   That is a backward thought-process to me.   Could you encourage him to just simply focus on being him and then apply to schools that fit who he is vs. trying to make himself into something he thinks they want him to be?

 

I have gone through completely different types of college admissions.   My older kids simply did your very typical high school level type work with a few college level classes.   They took the ACT or SAT once at the beginning of 11th and once at the end.   They spent very little time in prep.  (I mean very little.)   They never took the PSAT.   They applied to your typical LAC or technical universities that are non-tippy top (but the LAC's were in the colleges that change lives book.)   They had pretty avg test scores (nothing to brag about)   You know what?   They were accepted into every school they applied to and my dd, my most completely avg student, was offered a lot of scholarship money from the LAC's she applied to.

 

This time around, ds has applied to top schools, OOS schools, and it has been a completely different experience.  Not one that I want to go through again!   But, he isn't your typical high school student.   He is simply naturally a very high performing student by doing absolutely nothing differently than his older siblings.   He isn't under any pressure.   He isn't "driven" or "pushed."   He simply is that kid that takes 8-9 classes at a time at very high levels with straight As.    And.....it isn't any "more" than what his oldest brother did when he was taking the same classes as a sr than this ds took in 9th.    What makes it stressful is simply the application process, the competitive nature of the schools, and the waiting.       The other huge stressor is the constant "fill in this application" process.   Applications for honors programs.   Applications for scholarships.   Interviews.   Ds.....he isn't stressed (though I think if another school asked him to write another essay that at this point he would wipe that school off of his "potential" list.   He is most definitely sick of essays.)   But, this process has been nothing like with my older kids and at the end of the day......I am not at all sure it has been worth it.   Ask me in May.   But, I am thinking it would have been better to apply to just 2 matches and 2 reaches and have that been that.   And just have made sure that he really liked his matches. 

 

But, most definitely, there is NO WAY I would let a College Confidential attitude permeate my child's life or my home.   Those kids are way too intense over something that just really doesn't need to be.   They are so focused on creating themselves that they miss the bigger picture of just being themselves.   At least I know at the end of the day that wherever my ds goes to school, he was himself the whole way there.   I can't imagine the more serious repercussions of the depression that some of these kids convey when they have spent yrs creating the image and they don't achieve that latched onto dream.

 

FWIW, my 15 yr old wants to ultimately have a career in linguistics.   Right now she is thinking of possibly majoring in Russian.  But, she hasn't even started thinking about college or admissions and just goes with the flow of her own motivation.    I'm thinking late jr yr will be soon enough to start worrying about where.  :tongue_smilie:

[G5052]

I went to a high school like this.  There were actually multiple suicides of top-notch students who felt like they had failed in some relatively minor aspect of their studies, college tests, etc.  It was the parents driving it (my own were that way too IMHO).

 

Thankfully I had an aunt who assured me that high school really wouldn't matter a lot 10 years down the road.  Somehow I believed her.  Even though I didn't go to an Ivy League school, I did just fine in life.  Many of my co-workers did go to top-flight schools, and I had no problems completing with my "upper middle" education.  And one of my high school friends who went to Princeton flunked out her first year and battled alcoholism for several years before turning her life around.  One of the people in my college honors program with a perfect SAT flunked out.  Truly 10 years from now it won't matter as long as you do your best and got a variety of quality academic experiences.

[Barbara H]

I'm sorry he's going through that. It is good you are listening and connecting him with resources that can help. While life does change a bit in high school, it is important to keep that vision you had for your homeschool in mind and be an advocate for him having the chance to be challenged but in a healthy way.

 

Often teens get caught in extreme thinking about college that is not reality based or accurate. When they get their information from peers in a very competitive school it can start to sound like this...  "It is Harvard or community college." "I'm perfect or I'm a total failure." "I got a B and I'm sunk." It is helpful when we can encourage them to see the bigger picture and when we make them aware of more accurate information about college admissions and college choices.

 

 

[KSinNS]

I hate to say that this all makes me nervous. I was the super-high achiever in high school, who crashed and burned in university after getting into the school and program of my dreams. I ended up going to a local school after a few years, got my feet back under me, and have a great family, career, and life. Not what I dreamed of, but one that is good for me. And the pressure is so much worse now than it was. Thankfully, I'm no where near this stage with my kids, but my dreams with them are to teach them the balance I didn't have. Make sure they get enough sleep (which was my undoing). Make sure they understand what problems are life-threatening and what are not. We'll see how that goes.....:-} Anyway, OP I'm glad you are seeing the problems and supporting and getting help for your ds now. 

[MtnTeaching]

Last year, ds (15&16/10th grade at the time) was a bit busy:

 

AP Human Geography, a tough French class plus a conversations class, Lukeion Latin/Greek based word class, Lukeion Grammar class, a Socratic Lit discussion class, Online essay class, 6 classes (Yes - 6) at a ps enrichment school including biology, geometry, personal finance, Teacher Assistant to an elementary Medieval History class, and a two-hour Musical Drama class.  He was a lead in the Musical Drama class that put on three public shows at the end of the year, played volleyball under coaches from our local University, trained with an Olympic training coach in archery, volunteered at our local library, tutored elementary children at the library, was asked to serve as an "honorary" board member of the fund-raising non-profit arm of the library, worked at the monthly book sales at the library, was inducted into the National Honor Society and the National French Honor Society.  He made straight A's in all of his classes.

 

By the time school started this year, he had burned out.  Didn't care. The kid who had never let anything slide last year, barely did anything for the first three months of the year.  Thankfully, he seems to have pulled out of whatever funk he was in and actually seems to be enjoying life and the pursuit of his academics again now.  But, his load is no where near what it was last year and we stopped everything except his library commitments for a few months.  He is back in archery now and continues to play sand volleyball, but only for fun with friends.  He is still taking two AP's, but is no longer in the ps enrichment program.  Other than the AP's and French, his classes are not high pressure or even honors level.

 

Lessons learned all the way around with this one.  I do NOT want him burning out like this again before or after he gets to college.  I could care less if he goes to Harvard or Yale and he could care less either.  He is sharp, but there is more to life than just running yourself into the ground.  I want my healthy, happy, goofy boy and he seems to be coming back. I seriously believe that some of what he went through was hormonal, but I also blame myself for allowing him to over commit.