Need Practical Advice for Helping a Friend

[AlmiraGulch]

A friend recently confided that her young son is gay, and transsexual.

 

Fortunately, she has a great support system around her and people who will not judge, and who will accept and assist her and her son as his sexuality becomes more apparent and relevant in his day-to-day life (he's only 10), and as his transition to being a female becomes more "real".

 

From a more practical, immediate standpoint, she has asked:

 

1. How does she help her son with his transition?

2. Where she should shop for female clothing that will fit his broad shoulders?

3. Where can she find a spa that will take someone that young (not sure if there is any) and that is trans?  Her son is asking for a spa day.  (I don't know that this will happen yet because of his age, or that his sexuality or sexual identity will matter with this one, but still....she's asking)

 

Overall, she's trying to have some ready answers for the discrimination and realities that he will encounter, and then some practical advice for helping and supporting him with this.

 

Anyone been through this?  I can offer all the love in the world, and although I have many friends who are gay I don't have any friends who are parents of gay or transsexual kids (that they know of, yet), so I can't actually offer anything useful.

 

 

[Flowing Brook]

I am probably going to be flammed for saying this but ten is too young to know what or who he is. I would encourage him to be a boy and treat him like he is a boy. I would encourage him why being a boy is ok.   

[OrganicAnn]

There are probably support groups that your friend could ask.   It is probably better to have some BTDT than random thoughts from the Board. It is not something that most people have dealt with. 

[AlmiraGulch]

I am probably going to be flammed for saying this but ten is too young to know what or who he is. I would encourage him to be a boy and treat him like he is a boy. I would encourage him why being a boy is ok.   

 

I don't know if you'll be flamed, but I don't agree and neither does my friend.  I think you know what you know when you know.  Being a boy is ok, but so is not being one, if you really don't identify that way.  

 

Of all the people I know who are gay (I don't personally know anyone who is transsexual), they all knew when they were very, very young.  Much younger than 10.  

[AlmiraGulch]

There are probably support groups that your friend could ask.   It is probably better to have some BTDT than random thoughts from the Board. It is not something that most people have dealt with. 

 

Yes, you're right that there are specific support groups for this sort of thing, and she has sought them out.  Still, I think there are more people that have dealt with it than you think.  I do know I remember having read here about some others' experiences, but I just can't seem to find the threads.

 

Also, it's not just about being transsexual but also about being gay, which is much more common, statistically.  

[bolt.]

At this age, I think any good support group would be encouraging the parents towards the idea that either gender is a good thing, and that s/he doesn't have to make up his/her mind right away.

 

Generally any "transition" happens well after the onset of puberty, after sexual maturity. Up to that point, the parents would be supporting experimentation and freedom of expression either way.

 

That means that, yes, clothes in both genders and spa days (which are done by both genders anyways) should be available to him/her. Usually with kids it's framed as a parent-child pampering date, so she probably shouldn't send him/her alone.

 

Clothes at 10 shouldn't need to be tailored differently, but as time goes on, she would do well to gain some easy sewing skills. If she buys large sizes, even women's sizes eventually, the shoulders will be fine and she can take in the side seams to suit the remainder if his/her frame.

 

Just as a point of interest: when someone is both "gay" and "trans" from a male 'starting point' (physical sex) if the person is sexually mature -- Does that mean that (a) the person's sex is male, and their gender is female, and their attraction is "gay" -- meaning towards the same gender, towards females? Or ( b ) that the person's sex is male, their gender is female, and their attraction is "gay" meaning towards the same sex, towards males?

 

It's OK if you don't know, and it doesn't matter in a 10 year old anyways -- I was just curious about the precise meaning of the vocabulary.

[unsinkable]

Yes, you're right that there are specific support groups for this sort of thing, and she has sought them out. Still, I think there are more people that have dealt with it than you think. I do know I remember having read here about some others' experiences, but I just can't seem to find the threads.

 

Also, it's not just about being transsexual but also about being gay, which is much more common, statistically.

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/307391-transgender-question-related-to-the-abc-primetime-show-extraordinary-family/

 

I didn't read the whole thread but a few posters might be able to help you.

[AlmiraGulch]

At this age, I think any good support group would be encouraging the parents towards the idea that either gender is a good thing, and that s/he doesn't have to make up his/her mind right away.

 

Generally any "transition" happens well after the onset of puberty, after sexual maturity. Up to that point, the parents would be supporting experimentation and freedom of expression either way.

 

That means that, yes, clothes in both genders and spa days (which are done by both genders anyways) should be available to him/her. Usually with kids it's framed as a parent-child pampering date, so she probably shouldn't send him/her alone.

 

Clothes at 10 shouldn't need to be tailored differently, but as time goes on, she would do well to gain some easy sewing skills. If she buys large sizes, even women's sizes eventually, the shoulders will be fine and she can take in the side seams to suit the remainder if his/her frame.

 

Just as a point of interest: when someone is both "gay" and "trans" from a male 'starting point' (physical sex) if the person is sexually mature -- Does that mean that (a) the person's sex is male, and their gender is female, and their attraction is "gay" -- meaning towards the same gender, towards females? Or ( b ) that the person's sex is male, their gender is female, and their attraction is "gay" meaning towards the same sex, towards males?

 

It's OK if you don't know, and it doesn't matter in a 10 year old anyways -- I was just curious about the precise meaning of the vocabulary.

 

This is all great information.  Thank you!

 

In this case, the person has a penis, but identifies as female and is drawn to boys and not girls.  

[AlmiraGulch]

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/307391-transgender-question-related-to-the-abc-primetime-show-extraordinary-family/

 

I didn't read the whole thread but a few posters might be able to help you.

 

Thanks!  I don't remember this and couldn't find it when I searched. 

[kwg]

I am probably going to be flammed for saying this but ten is too young to know what or who he is. I would encourage him to be a boy and treat him like he is a boy. I would encourage him why being a boy is ok.   

 

 

I thought you were going to say too young for a spa day, lol. I still haven't really done that though once on my honeymoon I guess we did a thing that was a few hours.

 

Not helpful I guess.

[LucyStoner]

My brother is a female-to-male transgendered man. He is gay and is married to a "bio" male who is a gay man. My brother came out in his teens and started hormone and other treatment at 18. He was legally a man before he was 20. I am strongly in favor of supporting tweens and teens as they seek help and advice but think that waiting until 18 for major medical decisions is a good idea. I do know some people who have transitioned and regretted it. Just being totally honest. that does not mean I think 10 is too young to know your orientation. Not at all.

 

Telling someone they aren't old enough to know is silly. I am a straight woman. I was aware of this fact when I was pre-puberty age for sure. I was always drawn to males in that way, even when being drawn to them meant thinking they were yuck-tastic and avoiding them like the plague. Honestly, my brother being trans was not a shock and explained a lot. His treatment also effectively helped him with a suicidal level of depression over being male but not seen as such. The main reason to be supportive and non-judgemental about it is that it truly saves lives. trans youth have a very high suicide and depression rate. Even with supportive parents it can still be hard. My parents were quite accepting as all things go but ultimately it was easier for my brother to move in with me than live with them daily. looking back, those several years with me at the end of high school and into age 19 probably salvaged their later relationship.

 

My brother went to a support group for trans and queer youth at an organization with a drop in program. There are similar programs elsewhere. He also benefited from a summer camp for trans and queer youth. In large part due to how he was treated at out hippie school (I graduated from there when he was a freshman) when he came out, our school became and has remained a draw for trans kids and the teachers ask people their gender pronouns, even a dozen plus years later. There are some good books as well. I am on my phone or I would link.

 

Good luck to this child and family.

[goldberry]

This is all great information.  Thank you!

 

In this case, the person has a penis, but identifies as female and is drawn to boys and not girls.  

 

I work with a male to female transgendered person.  She considers herself transgendered, not gay.  If the person views themselves as a female, then being attracted to males is not homosexual.  It would be normal for a female to be attracted to a male.  The core issue for this person is identity, not sexual attraction.  From what I understand, that is the case with many transgendered persons.

[Jilly]

Raising My Rainbow is a great blog with a wealth of information that may help your friend.

 

http://raisingmyrainbow.com/

[albeto.]

Is your friend in contact with people in her area who have gone through this process and / or supported others? Knowing local resources and being able to talk to someone on the phone can be so very welcoming. PFLAG has some nice resources to send her way, if she hasn't gotten this far yet.

 

:)