WWYD...christian perspective

[Catwoman]

oh Catwoman... I welcome your response. Many times advice is based on right/wrong as defined by judeo-Christian values and can be biblical even if it wasn't intentional. :)

 

I just didn't want advice that was outright vicious or vindictive..that's all.

OK -- thanks! :)

 

I can understand wanting to avoid the nasty stuff.

 

Have you decided what you're going to do?

[myfunnybunch]

 I believe his wife (my SIL) is truly more open to forgiving and forgetting

 

This right here would convince me to go and be nice for the day, if I were in your shoes.

 

It must really stink to not be able to reconcile with family because your spouse is not as willing as you are. It might mean a lot to her for you to be there.

 

For us, Christmas is a delightful holiday, but it's really about celebrating peace and love, and not just peace and love for the people we like or who are easy to get along with.

 

Cat

[5LittleMonkeys]

Why can't adults just be adults and agree to dislike each other?  Why does being family mean you have to pretend to like someone you don't?  If this family was just an acquaintance would you be agonizing over the decision to go or not?  

 

I think it's unfair of your in-laws to put your family and the BIL's family through this.  It's known that you have un-reconciled issues and that you're fine with not being part of each other's lives.  Why can't that be respected?  You're not children that need to be scolded and made to hug and make up.  

 

Call the BIL and tell him that you appreciate him extending the invite for the sake of the parents but that you have decided that it would be too uncomfortable for both families and hope they have a wonderful time.  Then call the in-laws and explain that if they'd like to see you for the holidays you can pick out a different time\place to do so, and in the future could they please respect your decision to not associate with BIL's family. Yes, holiday get togethers will be inconvenient but at least they won't be awkward if everyone agrees to respect your right to pick and choose who you spend your time with. 

[Trish]

Have you been with this family at a different location? Just wondering if you're able to interact neutrally with them or not.

[StephanieZ]

Having BTDT with family drama btw my brother and I that deeply pained my own mom, I encourage you to, if possible, make a showing at the in-law's house, be friendly and polite, and bring hostess gifts and be generous with your helps and gifts. Smile for the photos. Make the ordeal as short as you can make it. HIDE the drama from your MIL and FIL. They don't need to be pained by this any more.

 

If you really can't stand going, then, OK, don't go. But, if you do that, do NOT report to your in-laws why or any more divisive reports. Your inlaws are probably very pained by this distance among their children. It may not be at all your fault, but you can do a kindness to your FIL and MIL by mending fences superficially. 

 

Look at this as an opportunity to be kind and loving towards your FIL and MIL, not as an opportunity to prove who is right among the siblings. Let that go. It doesn't matter. At all.

 

I know none of this is easy to do. At all. I didn't do it well myself. At all. I tried, but I failed more than I succeeded. Fortunately, my brother and I are mellower and nicer in our 40s than we were in our 30s, so we are no longer at odds, but I regret the pain we caused my mom. I wish I'd done differently. She has Alzheimer's now, and so I see our days as very numbered, and I am grateful that our divide is in the past, and my remembrance of the pain we caused Mom is my constant motivator not to let the more recent difficulties associated with being caregivers for our mom divide us again in any way that Mom sees. No matter how much we disagree or drive each other crazy now, we are able to be mature enough to hide it from Mom, even though we have more contact than ever due to Mom's illness.

 

So, anyway, that's my advice. It isn't easy, but, in the end, it's better for everyone. (This is assuming that the relatives are not truly evil people. In that case, all bets are off, and you should avoid them in any environment.)

[acurtis75]

Another verse to consider would be Phillipians 2:3. In humility consider others as more important than yourself. In this instance the "others" would be mil and your kids who would enjoy spending time with cousins.

 

I have several family members who are difficult to be around but they love my kids and my kids love them so I try to be reasonably accommodating.

 

Of course you didn't specify what the original dispute was and whether you can be cordial. If not, then it might be best to avoid the situation.

[mom@shiloh]

Since I have five adult children, I'm trying to look at this from the perspective of the parents.  What would I want my kids to do if this were the situation in my family?  On the one hand, having people in the same room who don't get along makes for tension for everyone.  On the other hand, having one family member absent would make me very sad.  Obviously, your goal should be to heal the rift and how many opportunities will you get to start building a bridge?  You've been invited, albeit badly.  I think I would go.  Forgive these people whether they deserve it or not, put on your calm, relaxed, refuse-to-engage-in-childish-behavior face and make an appearance.  Who knows?  Maybe something good will come of it.

[Laurie4b]

From a Christian perspective, I'd consider the following:

 

1) Have you forgiven? It's not entirely clear from your posts, but it sounds like it or that you are on the way. If not
2) Is there a trust issue? Is is something psychologically dangerous or just aggravating?

3) Your bil is acting like an enemy, so biblicaly treating him like one is important. ie Jesus said "Love your enemies." His loving of us was sacrificial. Christmas is the beginning of that story._ That's what I would tell my kids we were doing: we are, like Jesus did,  going into someone's world (even someone who doesn't welcome us in their world "he came to his own and his own did not receive him)  to show love even if we aren't loved and wanted because Christ showed love while we were "still sinners Christ died for us." He's BTDT. He wants us to follow in his steps. (This is all assuming there is nothing actually dangerous in some way. If it's all just snark, trying to get your goat, etc. I think it applies.) It's a Rom 12:20 situation, an opportunity for you to overcome evil with good. So think about creative ways to show love to this couple. What would they like as a gift for instance? This way, your Christmas holiday is not wasted in any way, no matter how BIL acts. You have followed in the footsteps of Jesus. If you do this of free will, it will truly be a Christmas to remember.

 

For people not in the Christian tradition, that can be really hard to comprehend. I can only say that from within the Christian tradition, when I have done this it has brought such incredible joy and freedom to ME. And sometimes the other responds nicely. (Sometimes not.)

[Journey]

I would go.  It might not be comfortable but i would go for your inlaws.  My family sucks and it breaks my heart....for my parents.  I don't get along with any of my brother's wives or their children (my daughter's don't either) and we have nothing to do with them during the year pretty much.  But i know that if your situation happened with me, i would go...for my parents.  I know it breaks my parent's hearts that their children don't get along even though they never say anything.  it's like my daugther said the other day "yeah, our family sucks, but i think we can all get along and act civil for one afternoon" and she's right.  So, put the pride and the passive aggressive behavior of your BIL aside and go, for your inlaws.  Wow, just wriiting this is making me think that maybe i should extend a Christmas invitation to "those people"....for my parents.  thanks for making me think of this!

[jamajo]

Laurie4B you are right on point!  This is exactly my perspective. 

 

Some one has asked if we had made up our minds.  YES!  We had decided to go a long time ago, I just wondered how others would handle it. Others asked if we interact at other family functions - YES.  It is so unnatural to ignore people b/c you aren't comfortable.  Actually I AM comfortable but I'm forced not to speak to him b/c he doesn't make eye contact and he gives my husband a half-hearted handshake barely making eye contact (you know just enough for other family members to think he's playing nice but then when away from family make a smart comment to my husband).   I fear my husband is at a point of a fist fight if another of these comments go unanswered.  However, I think he is growing in the way he is handling it (you know "turn the other cheek," ignore not confront, etc. etc.)  And since his oldest brother, father, and mother know the real situation they will jump into any altercation.

 

The short of the issue is BIL, DH, myself, and SIL were in business together.  enough said right?  Business went under we lost our shirts.  WE lost the most $$ and actually paid BIL his original investment back!  So we are really trying to figure out what his problem is...if anything WE should be mad.  However, I know its PRIDE.  Runs like blood in husband's family (5 boys, 1 girl, patriarchial mentality...PRIDE galore).

[bolt.]

family members to think he's playing nice but then when away from family make a smart comment to my husband). I fear my husband is at a point of a fist fight if another of these comments go unanswered.

There's still nearly a month if your DH wants to get some help or strategies -- so that he can act like a grown up even if his little brother tries to twit him into an over-reaction. Honestly, there's no point in him living that close to the edge of violent anger. It's not very hard to learn other options.

[Catwoman]

There's still nearly a month if your DH wants to get some help or strategies -- so that he can act like a grown up even if his little brother tries to twit him into an over-reaction. Honestly, there's no point in him living that close to the edge of violent anger. It's not very hard to learn other options.

Honestly, I think that's easier said than done, especially in contentious sibling relationships. There's a lot of history there.

 

I don't think her dh needs help. I think his brother needs to stop acting like a big baby.

 

And if the brother can't behave himself, I think jamajo and her family should make alternate plans for Christmas. Personally, I wouldn't want my dh to be so stressed on Christmas.

[Saddlemomma]

Since you're asking for a Christian perspective, and Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and goodwill towards man, I would get the address and go.  Be the Christian example.  Forgive and be there for the rest of your family.  Show them that the Spirit of Christ is bigger than petty differences.  Be kind; ignore any snide remarks; embrace the Spirit and reason for the season.