how to confront bullying

[NotAVampireLvr]

This is so sad. Is there a parent or booster club associated with this group?

[mom@shiloh]

I am wondering why the teacher has not spoken to the student and parents directly. IMHO, the teacher should have consequences for the bullying behavior while the children are in class. Then, a meeting with the parents if the child is not changing her behavior. Why should it be up to those outside of the class (you and other parents) to address issues going on in class? The teacher is the one in authority and needs to handle this. Forgive me if I am misunderstanding the situation.

Typically I would agree, and I think the teacher would be willing to speak up, however we are involved with this family on several levels besides this class and it might be better coming from me. And I do think the parents need to see that it extends far beyond just this class.

 

I haven't addressed it yet though.  This has been such a rough week on so many different levels that I just don't think I have the energy right now.  

[mom2bee]

Well, this approach won't work for everyone and every situation so you have to think carefully about whether or not it will work for yours and I admit up front that this isn't going to popular advice but I'd teach my children to fight back and stand up for themselves--The "in your face, I WONT be pushed around and if you knock me down, I'm  getting back up and dragging your butt down with me!" type standing up for themselves. If she pinches you, pinch her back. When she calls you names say "I know you are but what am I?" or some other "back at you tactic" until she's frustrated and gives up or becomes repentant. If she hits them, hit her back. Hard.

 

Its sad that her parents don't seem to be actively working with her during these situations to help her to navigate these situations. Kids don't need to be told "Be nice" when they are clearly hurting others physically or emotionally, they need direct, consistent hands-on intervention. If the parents are uninterested or unable to help there child cope "in the moment" then I'd just have to help my child cope "in the moment" with proactive self defensive. The point of self defense in this situation isn't to end just the current assault/altercation, it should be to discourage all future assaults also.

 

I know that some wont like that advice, but its the only thing that worked for me against the bullying, abusive and violent behavior of an inescapable acquaintance growing up. If her behavior is as bad as you say, I'd tell my kids that anything she does to them, do back to her. When parental involvement their defense is: I only did to her, what she did to me. Which is an excellent segue into: Actually, yes, your Sally has been aggressive/disrespectful and mean a lot lately...I think the kids should apologize to one another and promise to treat their friends as they want to be treated and be made to show respect to others even when they are angry. Either way, an apology can be a great thing--it can soothe and mend the deepest of pains and erase a lot of ill-will.

 

Then, perhaps the parents--who I gather are truly your friends--will be willing to sit together and talk this through and find an approach that will work. If not, at least yours wont be the only kid who was pinched/shoved/insulted/harassed. Again, this approach can't work for everyone and in some dynamics it would make things worse--not better, but for some situations, it works.

 

[mom2myboys]

Typically I would agree, and I think the teacher would be willing to speak up, however we are involved with this family on several levels besides this class and it might be better coming from me. And I do think the parents need to see that it extends far beyond just this class.

 

I haven't addressed it yet though.  This has been such a rough week on so many different levels that I just don't think I have the energy right now.

((hugs)) I am sorry that you are having a rough week. I hope things will resolve and improve for you soon. Stress saps my energy as well. It is a miserable feeling. (I am coming off of one of those weeks myself.)

 

I didn't mean to pick on you or say that you shouldn't say anything. However, I think if the behavior is bad enough against your DD that the teacher is mentioning it to you, that the teacher should have already addressed the behavior during the class with the student and parent first. Otherwise, when you say something they could respond, "Well she must be fine in class b/c teacher so -and-so never said anything." KWIM? Also, if these incidents have been happening over a period of time and no one who witnessed them spoke up, the other people are putting you in the position of being the "bad guy" instead of everyone taking responsibility to take action as the incidents arise. I do not think this is fair to you. All adults should be doing their part to ensure a safe environment for all of the kids.

 

Is the bullying something that is easy to see or more sneaky? Something that you don't know what happened until your child tells you, or done in the open? Is this a co-op situation?

 

There is already great advice in this thread about how to confront the situation as it happens in an unemotional way. I just think that you shouldn't be the only one being put in the position of saying something. Certainly address things as you see them (in the class or not). I am just concerned that everyone else is too afraid/uncomfortable to speak up and they are setting you up to be the fall guy. Not cool IMO.

 

(I like the example given earlier in the thread of stating the behavior without emotion or judgement, "We don't call names." And then approaching the parents with a "What can we do to solve this problem?")

 

Best of luck. What an uncomfortable situation to be in. I hope it will work out well for you.

[Lisbeth]

Absolutely. I don't in fact believe in the concept of "evil", but yeah I have met some people that are just....wow....

I believe lack of empathy can be genetic/chemical in nature or nuture or both. I do believe some kids ca be broken even from the start. Like you I don't call it evil. Some broken behavior can be passed down either way. Some kids and parents only respond to self interest, ie, how much discomfort they can avoid, as motivation.

[Desert Strawberry]

On a playground, I just leave.  I've had the experience of little Eddie Haskells who think nothing of walking up to an older kid and using a sharp object they pull out their pocket (knife, screwdriver, pen) when grandma isn't looking, then go home whining to gma when the older kid decks them. Gma comes over and tells the big kid to stop bullying and leave the equipment for the little guys (when its age appropriate for both), and tells them they are lying when they show them the fresh wound.

Really? Playground stabbings are a common occurrence? Are we talking about little children, say 5 to 10?

I have never heard of this. We don't spend much time around the general population. Is this something we need to look out for?

Maybe I'm naive, but I was never bullied, and my kids have only ever had two uncomfortable situations in 10 years.

In response to the first post, I will step in and problem solve with a child who is old enough or with the parent of a toddler. I appreciate that we all have different tolerances for discord among children. If I am uncomfortable with the behavior, I will address it. I have worked with kids. I know how to resolve conflicts better than most, I suspect. 

Maybe that's why we don't have problems. Teacher voice is powerful.

[Little Nyssa]

OP, I would not address the other parents. That conversation can go very badly. I don't think they will change unless they are very reasonable, secure people, and the way they have behaved so far doesn't imply that. They won't say, "Oh my goodness! we had no idea that was going on! Let's fix that right away!"

What I would do is address the behavior at the moment when I see it, to the kid: "No pinching. That's not allowed. If you pinch X again, you will not be able to play with X today." If I had any consequences available to me, I would apply them immediately, even if the only consequence within my reach is not allowing the kid to play with my own children. If you do this firmly, other parents will notice and start doing the same. If there is a teacher in this situation, I would talk to them about enforcing the rules.

Then you do not need to talk to the parents directly, because they will notice. It will be clear that you are not just picking on their child, because pinching happened and it was obvious to everyone. I am not a big fan of disciplining other people's children, but in the situation you are in, I think it's the best choice. And, I would not do it if I didn't personally witness the bad behavior, because then you do run the risk of being accused of picking on the child and believing your child's story over theirs.

 

I would teach my children to stand up to a bully, but I would not rely on them being able to do this fearlessly in every situation.

I would not remove my children from the situation. It's not their fault and they should not lose out.

[Laurie4b]

The teacher should address it in the class that the teacher is in charge of. Then a neutral, authoritative party has brought up the issue, not you. If it occurs in another setting, you already have the foundation of the teacher addressing it.

 

[Luanne]

 

 

eta Pinching..well did she ask them to move and they didn't? Were they blocking her deliberately? As the parent of a scissors wielding then 8 year old, I know it gets to that level when the child is ignored repeatedly and the other person is continually disrespectful. My kid pulled out the scissors about six months after the first time he asked the gal next to him to stop laying on his desk at school. Six months of daily asking and being told to STFU, and he took action one day when he knew he had to have the desk to get his work done on time. The gal in question of course reported my child as a racist bully.  He had a real good relation with the psych, who sorted out what really happened vs what the adults saw. I was the only person who pointed out that the gal clearly had an issue with core body strength, since she could not sit up at her desk for any part of the day, over six months. She rec'd OT and adapted PE when her parent calmed down. My kid put ear protectors on so he wouldn't have to deal with her filthy mouth for the rest of the year.

 

Even if she asked them to move and they didn't, does not mean it is all right for her to pinch them. 

[2squared]

If another child is regularly physically hurting my child, then I expect my child to protect him/herself by fighting back. My children are very mild mannered, and we got to a point where they weren't standing up for themselves verbally or physically. My 9yo has had to punch a bully twice, once protecting himself and once protecting a smaller child. He was in a public school for a month last year, and I warned the principle where things were heading with this particular boy. The principle agreed with me that this boy was a true bully, and my ds was right to fight back. The school dealt with the kid as best as they could, but a bully is still a bully when the teacher isn't looking. The best way to deal with a bully is head on if your child has the tools to do it. We were very proud of my ds for standing up to the bully and protecting the smaller child.

 

Then this year some girls were telling my daughter to shut up in class. She didn't say anything back for fear of being rude. I was very upset with myself for not teaching her that she does need to stand up for herself. Once I gave her the green light to "be rude" back at the girls, she has been able to handle the situation. Once again, the teachers know how these girls act and they deal with situations, but they can only do so much. Nasty girls are nasty whenever possible, but usually when adults aren't noticing. I have tried to equip my child with the tools she needs to "fight back," and we are seeing success.

[8circles]

That may be true. But the rest of the world does not have to suffer along with them.

 

Actually, we do.  I don't like it either but "the rest of the world" does have to suffer along with other people's pain.  I'm not sure how you avoid it & I'm not sure we're supposed to.

[Juniper]

Yeah, but what do you do if the teacher simply won't see it?

Margaret, if the teacher will not see it you go above her head. If the principal won't deal, you go to the school liason officer or the olice dept. All you have them do is start a file acknowldeging your complaint and concerns. The liason officer "shoul" be required to follow up with the principal. Then you tell the principal and teacher that you will be present at all practices and meets and if anything crosses the line you will not be addressing the student, but will let the teacher know and follow up AGAIN with the officer.

 

 

....and yes, I did end up contacting the liason officer in regards to the boy who tried to rip my son's face off. My situation has ended up well, in that th eother chid's Mom after her intial shock (and realizing I follwed up with the police) has been the poster child for what a parent of a bully should do.