S/O: How Do We Give Our Girls Confidence and Self Esteem?

[Hunter's Moon]

This is a S/O of the fat shaming thread. 

 

How do we ensure that our girls grow up feeling beautiful in their own skin? 

 

I can remember from a very young age feeling extremely self-conscious. I always thought my sister was prettier, funnier, thinner, more sociable, etc., etc. No one ever told me this, I just came up with it on my own. 

 

I always felt ugly. I remember in 7th grade someone at the lunch table said I looked like a boy because my hair was in a bun. It took me until 10th grade to wear ponytails and buns, because I felt like I needed my hair to "prove" I was a girl. I always hated my body. Too many rolls, too much jiggling. This has led to self-esteem issues now. When I have children, I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin. Some of it is personality, but how much is environment and role models own issues and feelings about themselves? 

 

How can we ensure our girls are confident and feel good about themselves? That they aren't lesser because they don't have the latest "trending body".

 

I appreciate any thoughts on this.

[regentrude]

My strategy is putting less emphasis on "looks" and more on fitness and what the body can do.

If you manage an amazing backpack, climb a 14,000 ft high mountain or a hard sports climb, or steer your horse over a tricky jump course, it is hard not to like your body (for other girls, it may be dancing or martial arts)

Of course, it helps if mom is not preoccupied with outward appearance, is not bemoaning her weight or hair, but instead finds joy in physical activity and considers doing things more important than looking pretty. And the company of like-minded girls helps, too.

[JennifersLost]

Regentrude gives good advice, but I'll admit that I tell my daughter she's beautiful constantly and always have. As someone who never was told that she was attractive in any way (and felt like a total loser into adulthood), I think words of praise are crucial. I try to tell my sons how handsome they are, too, and honestly I've never given anyone a compliment without seeing them react visibly - I don't quite know how to put it in words. I think we're all hungry to know that we're worthy; in our looks, in what we do, in how we are...

 

I've seen my daughter grow up fairly confident. While I was worried about boys and whether or not they "liked" me by the time I was in third grade, she walks tall and proud and fearlessly through life. She has a very "safe" crush on an appropriate boy that goes absolutely nowhere, and meanwhile her time is spent with her crafts, music, friends and sports. (she's twelve by the way)

 

I am glad that she has a sport and a solid group of friends. We've always been able to speak with humor about her clothes--what's appropriate, what's not, and how to look pretty without looking sleazy. So far, so good! I don't belittle her when she spends time fussing with her hair and I do what I can to help her pick attractive clothes and look neat and clean.

 

I still have memories of my thirteenth or fourteenth birthday when my grandfather told me I was a pretty girl. I almost cried. No one had ever said so before--certainly not my mother--and I already knew I wasn't "popular" at school. I remember thinking that he was the only one who could really "see" me and everyone else was blind to me. It would not have spoiled me or hurt my self-esteem one bit for a few more grownups in my life to tell me I was beautiful.

 

Just my two cents.

[T'smom]

I think it is vitally important that we not criticize ourselves in front of our kids. It's also important to not make deragatory comments about other women's appearance. If you (general you.....NOT the op) say something about how another woman needs to lose weight, or should take better care of herself, a child will pick up on that and use the same measuring stick for themselves. (If people think SHE'S fat, what do they think about me?) I have an absolutely gorgeous sister in law. By anyone's standards, she's thin and beautiful. She criticizes herself all.the.time. She talks about how she's fat, how she's eating things she shouldn't be and how much exercising she needs to do. I worry about when my dd is a bit older, how she's going to look at Aunt A and see this gorgeous woman and then hear from that gorgeous woman that she's not good enough. How can a child not internalize "if she's not beautiful, what chance do i have?" She's much younger and I hope she grows out of it, but if she doesn't, I'm going to have to ask her to lay off in front of my kids. There's a lot more we can do, but I think not criticizing other women and pointing it positive qualities both physical and otherwise, in ourselves, our kids, and other people is a great place to start.

[beaners]

In case I wasn't clear on the other thread, I think avoiding catty comments about other women because we perceive them to be more attractive than we are would be a good place to start.

[Dandelion]

I think we model healthy self-esteem by how we talk about and treat ourselves and others.  Treating yourself and others with respect, avoiding unfavorable or unkind comments about looks, etc. all set that tone. 

 

It's also important to help our kids internalize that looks aren't everything.  DD5 is a beautiful little girl, and is always getting compliments (on her hair, her eyes, etc.) everywhere we go.  That's fine, but I make a point of talking to DD frequently about the fact that what's on the inside matters most:  your character, a kind heart, how you treat others, etc.

 

In terms of helping girls feel confident and good about themselves, I think confidence comes from accomplishment and mastery.  You develop confidence when you set goals and achieve them.   While I want my DD to feel beautiful and comfortable in her skin, I would not want her confidence tied to her looks (because looks inevitably change and fade).  What I focus on is helping her identify things she wants to accomplish and then supporting her as she works towards achieving those goals.  That's where confidence develops. 

[PeacefulChaos]

I agree with everything that has been said so far.

Pink is young, so I don't know yet all the things that will come up as she gets older. 

I do believe that there is something intrinsic in girls that needs to be told they are pretty.  I don't think it's the most important thing, but I think that it needs to be one of many things.  When Pink was little®, Link and Astro doted on her.  They still do to an extent, but she's gone from being the cute little thing to the still cute but now also sometimes bossy little sister ;).  Anyway, she epitomized cute in a lot of ways - and let's face it, she was the only girl in the extended family in quite awhile - so everyone doted on her to an extent.  Anyway, the boys used to tell her she was cute all the time, to the point I found it obnoxious!  :D  So I told them, look, you have to think of other things to say to your sister.  If she gets the puzzle piece in the right place, tell her she's smart.  If she kicks the ball across the room, tell her she's strong.  Don't make it about her being cute, even though it's fine to say that in context.  So they picked up on that pretty quick!

I'm reminded of two stories - first, my MIL had 4 boys.  She was always (still is) a bit of a tomboy herself, and when she had her first granddaughter it was noticeable (to me) that she was a little more at a loss for what to do with a girl as opposed to a boy (she had her first grandson at the same time - literally within a month of each other).  I watched the dynamic over the years, and by all means, she is a GREAT grandma, but when Pink was born I started noticing it more - that when she complimented our niece, a lot of times it was about looks.  Same with my FIL.  I just don't think they knew, at the time (and that niece wasn't one that they got to spend a lot of time with - once every month or two at the most), that girls are in need of more than that.  MIL would say, 'Wow, ___ is so tan!  Such beautiful skin!'  which on its own isn't bad at all... but with a lack of other compliments, it stands out.  Now, they have Pink + two more granddaughters younger than her, and with Pink and the other one her age, in particular (the other one is only 1), they have gotten the chance to be more involved and get to know the girls better - therefore being able to compliment them more on their strengths, not just on their looks.  (Though all of them are cute, not gonna lie.  :D )

My other story is about me.  I don't recall being told I was pretty as a child.  As I got older (high school, to be exact, when I ditched glasses for contacts, started wearing makeup, and changed my style all in one christmas break), I developed a much better picture of myself, and was told I was pretty often.  I do remember, once as a child, walking through the parking lot at the store and telling my grandma she was pretty.  She just looked at me like I was nuts and said, 'No, I'm not!'  I was so confused by it.  Even now when I think of her face, the love she has for me and the way she has always cared for me has made her beautiful to me, whether or not she would have ever won any beauty contests or not.  I try to remember that for myself, too - even when I feel like I need to lose a few pounds, etc (despite still understanding that I'm not ugly) - to the kids, I'm mom, and I think to most kids, mom is pretty, and I try to take compliments from them and from DH without sidestepping them or avoiding them.

[Hunter's Moon]

I appreciate the replies so far. 

 

It seems to me that the role model really sets the stage for future interactions and thought processes. When I was younger, if I was called pretty, it meant more to me than if I was called smart or kind. When my grandmother was in the nursing home, one of the last (coherent) things she said to me was that I was beautiful. It still makes me smile when I think about it 5 years later, and that is fine, but I do not want my children to put the emphasis on looks that I did. 

 

It is nice to know that by working on my own self image, I might be setting my children up for better self esteem. Of course, there will be other role models in their lives, and I won't be able to always control or interpret their environment and interactions. But, role models seem to be a big player in this discussion, and it makes perfect sense. 

[OnTheBrink]

I never make the connection to her that size determines beauty, with her or with anyone else. I let her have her own unique style (which she's had since she was 2!), within the parameters of appropriate and modest dress. We talk about how her value is in who she is, how she treats people, and the fact that God created her just the way He wants her, with her straight hair, her freckles and her not-so-straight teeth. Her beauty needs to come from her heart and character, not her clothes and make up.

[SadieMarie]

Here is one teen girl's take on it;

 

http://bedaonline.com/mixed-messages-teens-bodies-stigma/#.UmCdccu9KSO

[PeacefulChaos]

I never make the connection to her that size determines beauty, with her or with anyone else. I let her have her own unique style (which she's had since she was 2!), within the parameters of appropriate and modest dress. We talk about how her value is in who she is, how she treats people, and the fact that God created her just the way He wants her, with her straight hair, her freckles and her not-so-straight teeth. Her beauty needs to come from her heart and character, not her clothes and make up.

I love letting kids - boys and girls both -  do their own thing with style!!  Once my kids were old enough to get dressed on their own, they did - I never picked clothes for them after that.  They pick what we buy, they pick what they wear... I just love the things they come up with.   :)  Astro is all bright colors - we went shopping one day and he wore orange shorts, a tie-dye t-shirt, bright orange tall (not super tall, mid-calf tall) socks with black stripes, neon orange converse hi-tops, and a brightly colored snapback hat.   :D  Pink would wear all sparkles, kittens, or pink all the time if she could.   :)

 

 

ETA: I agree with what the linked post says, a lot.  I remember when I was so over-concerned about my weight that it was just dragging me down.  In the end, I realized that being fixated on weight or looks was, in the end, another form of self-centeredness.  Not in the way that we usually hear of it, but it's the same principle.  It wasn't until I realized these bad habits that I could move past them.  

That's why I think it's important to help our daughters (and sons) be well-rounded in all things, and not focus too much on themselves or their looks.  Because in the end, whether the focus is positive or negative, it makes things all about that one thing, and there are much more important things, most of which aren't even about them personally but more focused outward, anyway.  :)

[J-rap]

I believe my four girls are extremely self-confident (much more than I was at their age!).  I'm so grateful for that.  Sometimes I can't believe they're my own children!  I will say that I very purposefully never complained about my own looks, never talked badly of other women's appearances, and never commented negatively on their own physical appearances (or made them feel that they had to look a certain way or live up to a certain expectation).  Our focus was always on their inside beauty, and I certainly complimented them on THAT.  I did try and raise them to be physically healthy and to take care of their bodies in a healthy and natural way. 

 

Actually, I do take back one thing I said.  Though I never COMPLAINED about any of my flaws, sometimes I would LAUGH about them with my girls, because I wanted them to know that it really didn't matter, and was so unimportant in the whole scheme of things that I could laugh about it.  I do believe that this helped, because some of my "flaws" were passed down to my girls, and whereas they could have been self-conscious about it, I now hear them giggling or moaning laughingly about it with each other.

 

All that being said, however, I enjoy fashion and looking nice rather than frumpy, and I think I helped my girls pick their own fashion "look" that looks nice on them and their particular body and hair type.  For example, one of my daughters gets very oily hair so she has to wash it often, and she doesn't know how to fix it at all, haha.  It just looks stringy and messy in its natural state!  So, I encouraged her to get a super, super short haircut, very classy on her tiny frame, that is just a wash and go style. 

 

Of course I have told my girls that they look beautiful or great, but I don't do it a lot. 

 

A long time ago, my husband and I took a parenting class on raising children with good self-esteem.  One woman was in tears one night because she said her father never told her she was beautiful when she was growing up.  My husband always remembered that so he has made a point of telling our girls that they look beautiful from time to time.

 

I do think that when you're comfortable "in your skin," that confidence can carry over to a lot of areas in your life. 

 

Oh, one more thing to add.  We did work with all of our kids on talking comfortably with other people, speaking with confidence, looking someone in the eye and giving a good grip when shaking hands, things like that.  I definitely think having those skills add to one's self-confidence and feeling good about who you are.

[Lisa R.]

I think one of the biggest things that raises self confidence is being truly competent in some area. I think kids, boys and girls, need something positive to identify with. It could a proficiency in a sport, cooking, academics, music, a certain hobby, etc. I don't think it's necessary to be good at lots of things, but it is beneficial to be really good with at least one thing.

 

So, I would find an area in which they are interested and have a natural inclination. I'd try as many things as needed until something stuck. 

 

While I do think we should give our kids positive affirmation, just giving compliments becomes empty after awhile. Too much of this leads to a strong self image which can come crashing down when they realize that the rest of the world doesn't give kuddos for just being. I'd much rather strive for my kids to have a strong sense of self confidence which can, in turn, lead to healthy self esteem.

 

Accomplishments lead to outside affirmation that typically leads to confidence.