Between a rock and a hard place

[Slipper]

We attend a small church. My daughter was baptized a week ago and it was beautiful. One of the other ladies there has a daughter who will be baptized a week from Sunday. They do not have a lot of money and I offered to bake a cake and help with refreshments. The little girl is a friend of my daughters and I would love to do something to make this day special for her.

 

Last night, my mother's cousin died unexpectedly. She slipped getting out of a swimming pool, hit her head and drowned. She was alone when it happened, so there is an investigation and autopsy. I just received a text message that the funeral will be a week from Sunday as well.

 

The funeral is two hours away and I will be unable to do both activities.

 

I was not close to my mother's cousin, although we were facebook friends and occasionally chatted on facebook. We do not send holiday or birthday cards. At reunions, we chat for a minute and move on. I'm very sorry that she died as I remember her as a kind person. I do not know her immediate family and they wouldn't recognize me if they saw me.

 

I really want to be at the baptism to support my friend and make her daughter's special day as wonderful as I can.

 

My mother had asked me earlier if I would ride with her to the funeral. (Her husband dislikes funerals). I told her it would depend on what day as I had other commitments for several days. She was VERY unhappy with my answer (she's been very unhappy with me lately anyway). However, my relationship with the deceased was not one where I would mentally clear my calendar no matter what for the funeral. My thoughts were that I would go if possible, not go if I couldn't.

 

Is it incredibly tacky to choose a baptism over a funeral? Is one considered more important than another? I'm struggling over what to do. I could take the cake to the church the day before, but I hate missing the actual event.

[MomtoCandJ]

I would choose who ever I was closer to. You can't please everybody, but you can please yourself. Are they having something another day for the funeral? I know sometimes they have a showing or something the day before, maybe you could attend that instead?

[waa510]

From the type of relationship it appears you had ( or evidently didn't have) with the deceased, I would attend the baptism. The pissing off your mom thing...trust me, I'm there 100%. My MIL likes to join that club as well ;) But there is a point where we as adults have to do what is right for our lives and disregard the overeactions of our parents.

 

The funeral is only two hours away so it really isn't necessary for your mom to have someone to ride with her, in terms of length of the trip itself. She has every ability to drive alone if it's that important to her.

 

You already committed to the baptism, you want to go to the baptism and the deceased is not an incredibly close family member. I think the baptism wins, hands down. Your mom will get over it.

[KungFuPanda]

Wait? How is the mom's husband getting a free pass on this? I'd definitely choose the baptism.

[Little Nyssa]

I would bake the cake for the baptism, but go to the funeral. It's not about how close you were to the cousin, it's about mom and what she is going through now, and you can support her. Sad as it is to miss a baptism, you will have other occasions to spend with the little girl. Perhaps someone else could take your daughter to the baptism.

[Myeightkiddies]

Funerals are for the living, so your closeness to the deceased doesn't play a huge role in the big picture.  You'd go to support the family, and in this case your mother.  However, having said that, your mother has no right to be angry with you when her husband refuses to go.  Your mother should be escorted by her husband, and it isn't your responsibility to take his place.  If your mother begins to treat you harshly, I would remind her who should be going with her.  Sounds as if she'd rather have a confrontation with you over attending rather than her husband.  You shouldn't be a scapegoat for his behavior.  

 

Since you really want to attend the baptism, your mother already has a person who could escort her if he chooses, and you do not have close ties to the deceased to go for yourself, I would have to say that you should attend the baptism.

 

...Just my opinion - for what it is worth...

 

Edited to add:  Could you attend the viewing, which is usually the night before the funeral, with your mother?  This will allow you to support your mother and other relatives while being able to attend the baptism the next day.

[marbel]

Do you think your mom is being manipulative when she asks you to ride with her to the funeral or is she going through a hard time because of her cousin's death and need you there for support?   Is the 2-hour drive too much for her alone?

 

Generally I say family is more important than friends, but it really depends on your relationship with your mom, and how much you feel she needs your support and help.  If you believe she doesn't really need you, then go to the baptism.  I wouldn't bring her husband into it at all, though it seems odd he won't go with her simply because he dislikes funerals.  Who likes them?

[Slipper]

Honestly, I can't think of a worse place to be than riding with her. If I go, I'd rather go by myself. Lately, our relationship has been strained because she has been manipulative. I've been trying to stay out of her way. My step-dad can go, however, he doesn't like churches or funerals. (They make him uncomfortable).

 

She's physically capable of making the trip, but doesn't want to.

 

I do think someone should go with her because she was close to this particular cousin. I'd just rather it was not me. My brother isn't sure if he's going, it depends on his work schedule. My sister is definitely not going due to her work schedule.

 

Part of the problem is 'me'. I'm tired of being stuck doing everything for everybody. Doing the baptism cake will be fun and joyful. Going to the funeral would be appropriate and a good thing to do. Driving my mother anywhere makes me want to grab Xanax. (But I can't go and refuse to go with her).

[kiwik]

Hate to say it but I would make the cake, take it to the family before the baptism and explain. Then go to the funeral. Someone has to go with your mother and while it is unfair that everyone else is willing to dodge the duty (there are few work schedules that can't accommodate a sudden death) you obviously feel uncomfortable about doing so yourself.

 

To be fair though my mother wouldn't ask me too. She told me not to come when her husband died unexpectedly - I ignored her as soon as I could arrange care for my kids.

[justasque]

I can't tell you what you should do, based on a brief post.  
I would probably go with my mom, knowing that she needed me more than the baptism mom.
It's nothing to do with the deceased.  It's about your  mom and her feelings around it.  You'd be going to support her.
That said, it's hard to be the one who is always able to rearrange your schedule to do these things.  Find another way to be good to yourself, soon.

[milovany]

I also think you should go to the funeral. My thought also was that it's not about how close you were with the deceased, but about it being your mom who's asking for your support in her sadness. I'm not close with my mom's relatives, but if one died and my mom asked me to go the funeral with her, I'd do what I could to go for my mom.

 

I'm sorry you have to make a hard decision like this, and I wish it could work out both ways for you. (((Slipper)))

[Mrs Mungo]

I would bake the cake for the baptism, but go to the funeral. It's not about how close you were to the cousin, it's about mom and what she is going through now, and you can support her. Sad as it is to miss a baptism, you will have other occasions to spend with the little girl. Perhaps someone else could take your daughter to the baptism.

I agree, this is what I would do.