LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I'll go to someone irl for advice. It is hard to explain something this traumatic to strangers, even if we are all homeschooling moms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Does he want to continue in baseball in general? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I would have him play, and provide appropriate adult and coaching supervision. I am not sure I understand the entire back story, but I believe being on a team is a commitment. (Why doesn't a 12 year old in 2013 know what "gay" means and how very wrong on several levels it was used to insult him??) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Yes, he loves baseball and is quite good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 I would have him play, and provide appropriate adult and coaching supervision. I am not sure I understand the entire back story, but I believe being on a team is a commitment. (Why doesn't a 12 year old in 2013 know what "gay" means and how very wrong on several levels it was used to insult him??) Your opinion is your own, but we have thorough s*s education around 11 1/2 in our family and also in the local schools btw. If someone isn't around insulting harrassers, they wouldn't know common bullying tactics and phrases. Not a helpful comment and I usually very much enjoy your voice on the boards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Bw, this all happened under the coaches noses during practices and warmups. They all saw. They would occasionally say stop messing around, but did nothing. Thank God my son was never alone with these boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 It isn't a game, it is a scrimmage. He has pitched against them several times this season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I misread your post. If baseball is something your ds wants to continue then he needs to play all the games his team has. I would make sure an adult is supervising. I know at tournaments there is down time and there is likely time when adults may not actively supervise the group at this age, but it needs to be done. I'm sure you will be present at all events. I'd make sure he knows where he can find you. Not necessarily for you to jump up and protect him, but for him to just look up and see you or if there is a break for him to be able and come talk to you without actually discussing social issues during the event. In other words just be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Your opinion is your own, but we have thorough s*s education around 11 1/2 in our family and also in the local schools btw. If someone isn't around insulting harrassers, they wouldn't know common bullying tactics and phrases. Not a helpful comment and I usually very much enjoy your voice on the boards. Actually, not giving children information makes them vulnerable to being a victim. 12 year olds should know what gay is, and also how egregious it is no use it as an insult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 :grouphug: Your son made a commitment to his team. I would tell him if he doesn't play, the bully wins. Your son needs to stand up for himself, honor his commitment to his teammates, and not permit himself to be intimidated by this kid. I would not bother bringing up the bullying issue with anyone, especially since your son asked you not too. Even if your son hadn't requested that you not mention it, with the bully's track record, your efforts to get the bully to change his ways would be futile. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 The point is, yes the coaches noticed and occassionally said stop messing around. That was how they handled it, even after my heads up last summer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 And ofcourse your DS should play the game. He is on a team, and his team needs him. Your DS has a responsibilty to his team that he should be pressed to honor, even if he chooses to neglect his responsibility to himself (such as the right to defend himself, stand up for himself and report abuse done to him). Talk to your son about the choices he made and the role he played in this. (Yes, 'The Victim' is a role and he played, willingly it by not saying anything sooner. He is a 10, 11, 12 yo. It is high time that he learned better.) Help him learn what he should do next time and how to react in these situations. I teach my little brothers that they are not to be anybodies punching bag. They are to take a series of graduate steps to stand up for themselves it starts with "Don't talk to me that way. Its mean, that's hurtful and I don't deserve to be hurt." and it goes from there. Wow. Seems harsh. I understand your point, but...blaming this way? "...chooses to neglect his responsibility to himself..." and the next paragraph seem awfully hard-nosed. He was 10, not 16. I'm just surprised at your level of...well, it just doesn't seem compassionate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 A scrimmage is practice with another team. That is not something we feel comfortable doing regularly. Since team 1 is close by, we could end up practicing/scrimmaging them weekly. Not ok. Of course he would play every game scheduled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 How much contact will your son even have with this bully at the baseball game? Usually kids from opposing teams don't even interact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 How much contact will your son even have with this bully at the baseball game? Usually kids from opposing teams don't even interact. Scrimmage= practice. Games are fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I am so sorry. We are dealing with a bit of that ourselves and it is WITH a homeschool group! The parents of the kid don't see it and neither do the leaders involved. Honestly, I would either be there for every minute of the game and watch every movement of this kid, or I would not make him play and tell the coach exactly why......however, if the coach doesn't see it, he may black list your son.....just fair warning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I realize it is a scrimmage, but I don't understand the distinction. Back in the day when I played sports, scrimmages were treated exactly the same as games, only the coaches usually took the opportunity to try kids at different positions. The level of interaction between players on opposing teams was the same as a game. Does your league handle scrimmages differently? Will your son be practicing on the bully's team? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 These comments are ridiculous. Blaming the victim is ok if it is a boy. Blaming a girl victim is never ok though right. Oh and don't forget to mock the stupid homeschool overprotective parents who didn't explain g*y on time to their 11yo so he would recognize the word when he is bullied. Btw, he isn't disabled, he was just embarrassed. Geesh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I'm sorry comments were hurtful. Sometimes people want to help, and it comes out a little less helpful than they meant it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Two things jump out at me. At 12 he should know what gay is. Any kid that age that is that naive is targeted. And YOU don't want him to scrimmage? Then you are being bullied too. The kid has a history? Then call the police, get a lawyer and stop it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Um, who said any of this? I haven't heard any mocking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 :grouphug: I am sorry you are upset. I think you are right in taking this to some IRL friends who know and understand you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Of course we taught him what to do from this time forward. However, this wasn't one kid. It was the entire team except for 3 boys. The coaches saw it while it was happening. We do not want him practicing=scrimmaging with team 1 regularly. The only contact I want with team 1 is a scheduled tournament game. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 So your son was bullied when he was on another team. Now he is playing for a new team and is not being bullied but will have a scrimmage with the old team (that the "mean" kids are on). Assuming I got that correct I believe your son should play in the scrimmage, and any in the future, because he made a commitment to the team. If I was the coach and he skipped it I would be less likely to play him in subsequent games (this is how I handle my soccer players...kids who come to practice play the most). You know which kids are a problem so it is your responsibility as a parent to attend the scrimmage and sit nice and close (paying attention the whole time) so you can watch everything that goes on. If the kids step out of line you can easily step in and have a word with them but my guess is that just knowing there is an adult present and watching will prevent the behavior. I do believe that a 10 year old has a certain responsibility to themselves when it comes to bullying and it isn't a boy vs. girl issue. I have taught my girls that if someone is mistreating them they need to ask an adult for help, both for themselves and for the benefit of any other kids the bully is hurting. eta: If the bullying is truly so bad that a present and attentive parent doesn't prevent it then it's time to step up the way you are handling it and speak with a lawyer. A strongly worded letter to the ringleaders parents threatening action if it continues might be enough to get him to leave your kid alone (though you would still need to pay close attention). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 I am really sorry, but I don't mean it in a 'Too bad for your son' way. And I hate the middle-aged mean girl attitude that is so often slung around on these boards, so I really am sorry. I am. I suppose my words came out wrong because I don't fully understand a) the timeline, B) the sport society c) the situation. You mentioned that bolded piece, can't you use that to help you build your case? Can you delete my quote in post #27 right away. I specifically asked to not be quoted. I have deleted my original post, please do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I would not characterize the issue as bullying but as physical assault by someone who may be a young predator. The trauma may be more than what one would normally associate with bullying. It sounds like a large issue is that the coaches failed to take appropriate action. So the OP now must decide whether to allow her son to participate in an activity he loves but with coaches who cannot be trusted with the care of children. I don't think that refusing scrimages and continuing on the team is a good option. If you really want to take it to the mat, I would work toward getting the ringleader removed. Are there any behavior/character rules for the teams? FWIW, I don't feel it necessary to explain the various forms of copulation people choose to engage in to my children. I am not required to do so by any law (yet) and I don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Mom 2bee, please delete #27. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 So there are a few issues. 1) Your son loves baseball and wants to play. He wants to play on the better, most prestigious team. (Is that correct?) If that is correct and if he needs this team as a stepping stone to get there, then I would approach this whole issue with that end-goal in mind. Your son deserves to play un harassed and he deserves a safe, competitive and nurturing environment to play in. If he is on the team, he has paid to have a quality coaching and team experience. I would see about getting those things for him the best way that I can. I don't know enough about the game society to give specific details but there are a few things that come to mind. 1) Catch the bullies in action. Get your son a Sansa Disk MP3 player and voice recorder. Have him wear it in his pocket or something during a few scrimmages and gather audio evidence against his attackers. 2) Review the team code of conduct/guidelines and find the exact clauses that these kids are breaking. 3) Assemble your evidence in nice, neat little packets and make back-up copies. 4) Speak to the coach, share with him the evidence and ask that he have a parent meeting first and then a team meeting in which these issues are addressed in general, hopefully coach will be firm and clear with the kids. 5) Continue with the mini recorder for a few more weeks to be sure that things are getting better and continue to get any sound files/excerpts of all harrassment. 6) If this harassment continues, go directly to the individual parents, do not confront them with the evidence, but tell them that your son is still being harassed by their sons and that they need to have a talk about it and your son needs to see improvement. 7) If it doesn't improve confront the parents with the evidence and tell them that the next time they see you, it will either be at an end of season party at which all the boys will be getting along or you'll be accompanied by a lawyer ready to sue the pants off of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Mom 2 bee, why on earth are you commenting and not deleting #27! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks. Topic over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Removed by the Author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnIslandGirl Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I am baffled by these posts lately. Why is is that when someone posts on a public forum asking for advice, if the advice or opinion of the other posters does not align with the author's viewpoint, they pack their bags and delete the conversation. What type of role model is this for the poor son... if you don't like what others are saying, just leave rather than sticking up for yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I think sometimes when our children are involved we get a little extra sensitive. I know I do! I am baffled by these posts lately. Why is is that when someone posts on a public forum asking for advice, if the advice or opinion of the other posters does not align with the author's viewpoint, they pack their bags and delete the conversation. What type of role model is this for the poor son... if you don't like what others are saying, just leave rather than sticking up for yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Being on a team includes the responsibility and commiutment of practice; playing only in games or going to select practices is not living up to the agreement. The under responsiveness and lack of supervision of adults seems to be the problem the bullying you describe is fairly severe. I am baffled at how the boys were able to act in that manner under the supervision you report. To the poster focusing on "gay" as copulation, that is just as inaccurate as focusing on heterosexual attraction as exclusively about sex. Sexual orientation isn't exclusively about who you interact with sexually but who you couple with from a companionship and intimacy standpoint. 12 year olds who don't know about sexual orientation are at a disadvantage in terms of social safety and competence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 :grouphug: i'm glad you are going to talk with a real live person. these things are hard. back story: 1970s, my brother was about the age of your child now. he played ice hockey. he was beaten up in the dressing room with the coaches present. he finished out the season, but went to the rink dressed, and left without going in the dressing room. my parents talked to the coaches. their attitude was "well, he just needs to toughen up". this is the bullying culture at the beginning. my brother didn't play again after that season, which was a shame because he loved it, and was quite good. fast forward forty years. my brother is now a coach, and no one... no one.... gets bullied on his teams. and it has made all the difference. so maybe explore with your person in real life the idea of giving the coaches a chance to do the right thing. here and now, the girls' soccer league has a person whose job it is to deal with bullying, because some percentage of the coaches are still of the bullying culture. if the baseball league has someone like that, that might be a good place to start. and maybe your child would be more willing to stand up if they could come to see it as protecting the next person these guys pick on? its such a tough thing, and spoils so much; i'm sorry! ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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