Two Part Problem/Question - Need Advice (Long)

[Hockey Mom]

We were invited by "idiot" coach to play in an up-coming hockey tournament. Cost per kid for the tournament is $99 (does not include transportation and hotel, obviously). I have had on-going issues with this coach. He is clueless when it comes to managing his bench during games, and it's been an issue for a few weeks. Anyway, when he approached us to play, he said up-front, "DS will get about 30 seconds of ice time in this type of game." First of all...how utterly insulting. Second, he made it clear in no uncertain terms that he will be "showcasing" a few players at this tourney (and of course, HIS SON is the primary focus).

 

He discussed how this is a lot of fun for the kids because they get to hang out at the hotel and be silly, watch other teams, etc.

 

Here's the kicker: the coach's kid bullies my DS. Every time they are on the ice his kid calls my DS "loser". Any time there is a public skate after a game, the kids will usually stay and skate together. The last time they did this, my DS piped up in the locker room and said, "hey...who's doing free skate? Me and my brother are going...." and the coach's son says, "I'm not skating with him...you guys shouldn't either." And NONE of his other team mates stayed. Despite them staying every single week. If coach's kid sees one of the other team mates talking/playing with my DS, he quietly goes over to that kid and pulls the kid away from DS. If DS tries to hang out with the coach's kid, that kid says "go away..you're a loser", and if there's more than one kid with him he'll say, "come on, let's ditch him."

 

DS is frustrated, and angry. He's tried the 'be friendly' route. He's tried the 'ignore' route. No matter what DS does, this kid has got it out for him, and he's slowly turning the other kids away from DS too. I really, really dislike this kid. My dislike for this kid and his dad is making me a bit irrational.

 

Question #1: Would you pay the money, time, travel to attend a tournament where the coach has guaranteed he will pretty much bench your kid the whole game? Where, DS will likely spend the weekend trying to connect with his team, only to have the bully make it near impossible?

 

Question #2: How do I deal with this situation? I can't talk to any of the higher-ups at the rink because this is their "golden boy" at the rink (a whole 'nother post in itself). You would not believe the vile things this kid gets away simply because he's the fastest skater (and not by much, might I add!).

 

Dh is considering coaching in some capacity for the fall season, but I'm becoming "that parent" at this rink. I'm not bowing down to the alter of this kid, and frankly, I am shocked by the willingness of these parents to blindly allow their kids to follow this vile brat in an attempt to get more ice time during games (and it's working!). I am starting to HATE this place, and we have to be there 5-6 nights a week.

 

Can you help me rationally think through this? TIA

[Catwoman]

Why would you even think about having your son attend? :confused:

 

I would be looking for a new team and a new rink.

 

I don't understand why you "have" to be there. This isn't a professional hockey team -- your ds is still just a little kid -- and it's upsetting for your him to be a part of it, so why do you continue to have him play on that team? I don't see a single reason in anything that you have posted that should make it imperative that your ds put up with that kind of garbage.

[Dana]

I'm no help because I don't think I'd continue to have my son on the team.

 

If you don't have alternatives to the team, I don't know what I'd suggest.

 

Sorry it's so tough!

[*Lulu*]

UGH.

 

1st- If this is not a regular season thing, and if I knew it was going to be an emotional beat down for my kid the whole wekend, I absolutely would not attend. I do not need to pay for the privilege of having some fools treat me like crap, and I would want my son to see that we do not have to sign ourselves up for that sort of treatment.

 

2nd- If there is no other rink you can switch to, if hockey is something you cannot just walk from, and if you have exhausted other measures then I would proceed to become "that parent". Unapologetically, flat out, "that parent". I would teach my son how to play the game with this kid so he gives no ground, but comes out smelling like a rose, and let the brunt of people's poor opinion fall on myself.

 

I am so mad for you. I need to mull this over a bit, but the above is my gut reaction without having read anyone else's response.

[AK_Mom4]

For Question #1 - no. My response to that would have been - Why do you want him to go to the tourney if he isn't going to play? Ice time costs enough as it is.

 

For Question #2 - that's a bit more difficult. If this is a private team (you know, not thru Boys & Girls Club or some other sponsor organization) then you have to talk it over in your family and decide if your kid wants to do it and if it is worth the hassle. We hit up against some seriously mean bratty kids in softball that made DD's life miserable when she was playing up a level. But DD chose to stick it out because she was getting play time and liked the game. In the end, the older girls aged out and DD made lots of friends with the younger crowd that came in.

 

Only your family can decide if it's worth sticking with it.

[Hockey Mom]

UGH.

 

1st- If this is not a regular season thing, and if I knew it was going to be an emotional beat down for my kid the whole wekend, I absolutely would not attend. I do not need to pay for the privilege of having some fools treat me like crap, and I would want my son to see that we do not have to sign ourselves up for that sort of treatment.

 

This is where Dh and I are at right now. As of tonight, we will not be attending. However, that doesn't stop the other kids from talking about it and DS hearing about it. He thinks he might want to go ONLY because he's never been to a tourney before. Our previous rink never followed through with allowing the kids to go. That is the ONLY reason I am second-guessing our decision to NOT go.

2nd- If there is no other rink you can switch to, if hockey is something you cannot just walk from, and if you have exhausted other measures then I would proceed to become "that parent". Unapologetically, flat out, "that parent". I would teach my son how to play the game with this kid so he gives no ground, but comes out smelling like a rose, and let the brunt of people's poor opinion fall on myself.

 

I am so mad for you. I need to mull this over a bit, but the above is my gut reaction without having read anyone else's response.

 

 

The closest rink is an hour away. We have considered putting them there, but fear that "idiot" coach would attempt to sabotage us before we even got there (which is direct result of me being that unapolgetically parent who refuses to conform). Dh still plays the 'good cop' so that the boys won't be alienated further. I even went as far as to tell the hockey director at our rink that I have NO problem being a jerk the entire time we are there, simply because my DS WANTS to play there. And he's VERY good at hockey.

[NorthwestMom]

 

...but fear that "idiot" coach would attempt to sabotage us before we even got there (which is direct result of me being that unapolgetically parent who refuses to conform). Dh still plays the 'good cop' so that the boys won't be alienated further. I even went as far as to tell the hockey director at our rink that I have NO problem being a jerk the entire time we are there, simply because my DS WANTS to play there. And he's VERY good at hockey.

 

 

1. This situation would drive me crazy too, and I support your feelings 100%. :grouphug:

 

2. You are not making things better by being "a jerk the entire time". Please rethink your strategy. What you are doing IS NOT WORKING and your DS is paying the price.

[*Lulu*]

i don't think being "that parent" automatically equals jerk. I would try hard to stay out of jerkdom.

 

If your son would get more play time with less hassle at the other rink I would try to move to it, even with the commute.

 

Maybe if you play really nice for a bit at the current rink you can lull them into a false sense of security. Then do a stealth switch to the new place before the old one has time to screw it up for you.

[unsinkable]

Did you sign a contract with this team or organization? When does it end? Would they give you your release?

 

Were you able to get a feel for this coach before you signed with this team?

[Hockey Mom]

To answer some questions:

 

Both of my boys tried out. Both were invited to play squirt travel. There was a problem in the first game, we had a meeting with coach/director, was informed problem was being worked on, and we moved my younger son to a Mite level (eligible due to birth year) in order to "free up space on the bench".

 

This is this coach's first time coaching. He is a parent volunteer. I was cutting him major slack, being super nice to him and his wife, and his kid was still a jerk to my ds. At that time, we instructed DS to just stay away from the coach's kid and ignore it.

 

There was a second incident (the one I linked to in my OP). I have spoken to the director at length about this issue, and he is assuring me that he is working on a solution. He agrees that DS is too talented to be sitting on the bench for a whole game. He agrees that my concerns are valid and justified. He has assured me that he is working on the problem, and I believe that he is.

 

Yes, we signed a contract. Our last game for this season is June 15, and does not include any tournaments.

 

We have tryouts on June 8 for the fall season. At that time, my younger DS will no longer be eligible to play Mite level, and they will both be trying out for the team. There is a tryout at the other rink on June 2, but I'm really nervous about taking them there before the season is over because I know how small this hockey community is, and I know it will get back to the coach. I'm not interested in stirring up that kind of drama.

 

We also have a week-long hockey camp at our home rink, and a week-long hockey camp at the other rink. Coach's kid will likely be at both camps as well. We have instructed DS not to start a fight with this kid, but not to back down either. DS's temper doesn't blow often, but when it does, I know I will get a phone call (at best).

 

The problem for ME, is how/when do I step in? I don't want to baby him, but I don't want this kid demoralizing him either.

[Hockey Mom]

I also wanted to add that Dh still has the ability to 'chit chat' with the coach. They were pretty buddy-buddy until he benched my kid in the last game and I had had enough. Dh still talks small talk with the coach, and I completely ignore him. I have nothing to say to him. I have decided to go above his head to the director with any further issues.

 

When I did speak to the director about the coach's kid, his reply was, "yeah...that's just *kid's name*. He's like that to everyone." Um...no, he's not. Or maybe it's some sort of hazing thing, because the entire team follows him around like a puppy dogs (including my DS until recently).

[Parrothead]

No, and find another team.

[unsinkable]

Food for thought:

 

There is a learning curve for hockey coaches. First year coaches struggle.

 

Who else is on the bench with him? Who runs the offense? Who runs the defense? Is there an experienced coach on the bench with him? Has he ever been an assistant who ran an offense or defense for another team?

 

 

[Catwoman]

The problem for ME, is how/when do I step in? I don't want to baby him, but I don't want this kid demoralizing him either.

 

 

Your ds is only 10 years old. I would have stepped in a long time ago.

 

And quite frankly, I don't know why your dh is being "buddy-buddy" with the kid's father instead of standing up for your son. You said yourself that your son is being BULLIED. Why would your dh stand by and allow it to happen when he talks to the father on a regular basis??? I can't even imagine how he hasn't confronted the father about it.

 

None of this makes any sense to me, as we're talking about a little kids' hockey team here, yet you seem to be acting as though it's much more than that. It's great that your ds likes to play hockey, and I'm glad he's very good at it, but you and your dh seem to be prioritizing the politics of being on this team more than your 10 year-old son's feelings, and I don't understand that. Is it really more important to have him be on this team than it is to put an end to the bullying?

 

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I really don't understand this at all.

[Hockey Mom]

We just moved here. We started at this rink 3 months ago. I did not find out about the bullying until 2-3 weeks ago. As soon as I heard about it, I brought it to the director's attention. The attitude of this rink is, "it's just the way that kid is". They want that kid at their rink because he too is talented. His dad is a coach. They need volunteers. They are not going to rock the boat with this family in order to make the new family happy. It IS politics, and it's at every rink, and most other sporting/dance organizations that I've ever been a part of. It just so happens that this particular rink takes it to a different level.

 

It's not generally accepted for parents of kids this age to be hanging out in the locker room as kids are getting dressed for hockey, and my DS feels embarrassed to have one of his parents in there with him. That said, I HAVE been present in the locker room since I heard it was happening, and he hasn't been bullied while I'm in there. The unintended consequence of me being in the locker room is that DS isn't happy I'm there, and he gets flack from the other kids about it on the bench. There is nothing I can do about it when it takes place on the ice.

 

I'm trying to teach my son to stand up for himself.

 

My son has been skating since he was 4 years old. Hockey is his passion. I'm not going to make him give it up because of one kid.

 

Dh is 'buddy buddy' with the coach in an effort to maintain some sort of open communication with this coach. I can no longer do it. HE can. Dh's solution to this is to punch the bully in the mouth the next time he steps out of line with DS. I would rather an adult figure tell the kid to straighten up. The director and I are working on solutions to remedy the situation. We have a fourth meeting tonight to go over it.

 

Unsinkable: I am learning to accept the learning curve of this particular coach. The director is working with us both on that aspect. This is his first gig as head coach, and I am uncertain if he's ever assisted. The director is going to have the Bantam coach assist this coach, so that it's better for everyone.

 

I know there are at least two other kids that don't see a lot of ice time either. I haven't noticed (my attention is on my own son), but two other families have stepped forward with the same complaints.

 

The defensive coach is very good. He rotates his lines, and is really good with the kids on the ice. The kid in charge of moving the forwards onto the ice is a Bantam player, however, he gets all of his direction from the coach.

 

ETA: You know...it just occurred to me that maybe the coach and his kid see my DS as a threat? Prior to us playing there, that kid was the only kid with any natural talent for the game. None of the kids have skated for more than a year...DS has been skating for 6 years, playing the game for 5 years. I dunno...grasping at some sort of understanding...

[songsparrow]

I would definitely not go to the tournament, even without the bullying issue, unless my child was absolutely begging to go just to be with his friends and didn't care that he wouldn't get much playing time (and even then, I probably would not want to spend the money on it). I'm assuming that the team needs to have a certain number of players to qualify, and it sounds to me like the coach is just trying to get enough bodies there to have a team that qualifies. I wouldn't help him out with that goal.

 

As far as the bullying by both father and son, I would be looking for a new rink. In my area, there are numerous rinks within driving distance, so this is possible. Do you have any other rinks in your area? I would probably drive up to an hour each way to find another rink to play at.

[Hockey Mom]

The rink we're at now is a 40 minute drive. It will be about an hour once we move into the house we've put an offer on.

 

The closest rink to us is an hour and 20 minutes away. We are considering that rink, but we want to wait until the season is over (middle June) before we approach them.

[Plink]

Speaking bluntly... please forgive the lack of empathy that my typed words convey. My intention is to be helpful, not insulting.

 

If you only arrived at this rink 3 months ago and are demanding anything at all, you are probably getting the cold shoulder for a reason. For your son's sake, you may need to stand down and ask your husband to take over interactions with the rink for a while.

 

No, your son shouldn't be bullied, but neither should you feel that it is okay to bully the rink into giving him what you think he "deserves" for ice time. Coaches are coaches for a reason. They make the calls. If you don't like the way this one works, you have the option to go elsewhere.

[poppy]

It's not generally accepted for parents of kids this age to be hanging out in the locker room as kids are getting dressed for hockey, and my DS feels embarrassed to have one of his parents in there with him. That said, I HAVE been present in the locker room since I heard it was happening, and he hasn't been bullied while I'm in there. The unintended consequence of me being in the locker room is that DS isn't happy I'm there, and he gets flack from the other kids about it on the bench. There is nothing I can do about it when it takes place on the ice.

 

So. Your son is 10 and you stay in the locker room with him to prevent bullying. And the result is that it prevents bullying while you're present, but makes things worse when they're on the ice. That's crazy. Stop going in the locker room. Your job is to teach him to deal with these situations, not to try to do it for him, and just say "there is nothing I can do" when you aren't hovering right there.

[Katy]

This is probably going to be very controversial and politically incorrect, but it's my real answer.

 

There are only two ways to stop bullying - create boundaries by confronting the bully in a way that cannot be denied (in this case they'd probably have to fight, or your son would have to start spewing insults back AND show him up on the hockey rink, which is unlikely due to the kid being the coach's son) <OR> remove yourself and get the bully out of his life.

 

If it was a random kid and our son involved I think DH would encourage a confrontation, tell DS not to throw the first punch, but make sure to throw the last.

 

Because it's the coach's kid, however, I'd definitely quit the team and definitely not pay money to subsidize him showing his kid off. There is no way in H*%% my kid would be going to spend time in a hotel with a bully that hadn't been confronted.

 

(My dad was a military guy turned cop and DH is a blackbelt, so my understanding of masculine dynamics might be slightly more testosterone driven than most).