Trauma, Anxiety, Regression - how do I catch up?

[Slipper]

Please don't quote - I'll delete in a few days.

 

 

[albeto]

I wouldn't be concerned with testing. I'm going to be very blunt now, partly because I'm not as diplomatic as I'd like, partly because I think this is super important and I know how a parent's concerned, fearful, overwhelmed brain can miss things. Any academic information she needs, she can catch up in a matter of months at the age of 13, if you even wait that long. Really. At age 13, she'll learn how to multiply, divide, diagram a sentence, recognize the countries of Africa on a map, and whatever other academic skills you'd really like to teach her. These things don't take long for a 13 year old brain to process and retain, so you can focus on other things.

 

Her biggest needs right now are security and well-being. She needs to know her environment is safe, that she is valued, that she can succeed. To that end, I would encourage you to continue therapy and letting her hang out in whatever way best soothes her. When she shows an interest in something, develop it with her. Start using vocabulary that indicates she's the expert. Let her explain to Daddy what the two of you learned, noticed, experienced in the day or week. Ask her questions as if she's the guest on a talk show (not a quiz show, don't put her on the spot, but let her shine). Be fascinated with her. Enjoy being with her. Play with her. Get out the barbies or bratz or stuffed animals or trucks or sand toys and just. play. Be her friend, her companion, her confidant. This will help foster her self-esteem, and studies show that people with strong sense of self-confidence have roughly equal chances as people with strong educational skills at reporting success in life. You can wait on the education, but as a homeschooler, you have all day to help her boost her self-confidence.

 

I would also find a good resource to teach her meditation. I don't know if you're a praying family, but I would encourage meditation specifically without religious undertones. Meditation can help her not only enjoy some mental peace, but eventually she might learn how to train her brain to access a bit of that kind of peace in times of stress.

 

I don't know that there's much headway in the way of treating PTSD, but your daughter is still very young and that means she's more easily adaptable. It also means, as we learn more about PTSD, she'll have increasingly helpful strategies to try.

 

I'm glad you're finding success with meds. That can be a huge help.

 

(((hugs from someone you don't know, but who's in the same boat)))

[1pageatatime]

I wouldn't be concerned with testing. I'm going to be very blunt now, partly because I'm not as diplomatic as I'd like, partly because I think this is super important and I know how a parent's concerned, fearful, overwhelmed brain can miss things. Any academic information she needs, she can catch up in a matter of months at the age of 13, if you even wait that long. Really. At age 13, she'll learn how to multiply, divide, diagram a sentence, recognize the countries of Africa on a map, and whatever other academic skills you'd really like to teach her. These things don't take long for a 13 year old brain to process and retain, so you can focus on other things.

 

Her biggest needs right now are security and well-being. She needs to know her environment is safe, that she is valued, that she can succeed. To that end, I would encourage you to continue therapy and letting her hang out in whatever way best soothes her. When she shows an interest in something, develop it with her. Start using vocabulary that indicates she's the expert. Let her explain to Daddy what the two of you learned, noticed, experienced in the day or week. Ask her questions as if she's the guest on a talk show (not a quiz show, don't put her on the spot, but let her shine). Be fascinated with her. Enjoy being with her. Play with her. Get out the barbies or bratz or stuffed animals or trucks or sand toys and just. play. Be her friend, her companion, her confidant. This will help foster her self-esteem, and studies show that people with strong sense of self-confidence have roughly equal chances as people with strong educational skills at reporting success in life. You can wait on the education, but as a homeschooler, you have all day to help her boost her self-confidence.

 

I would also find a good resource to teach her meditation. I don't know if you're a praying family, but I would encourage meditation specifically without religious undertones. Meditation can help her not only enjoy some mental peace, but eventually she might learn how to train her brain to access a bit of that kind of peace in times of stress.

 

I don't know that there's much headway in the way of treating PTSD, but your daughter is still very young and that means she's more easily adaptable. It also means, as we learn more about PTSD, she'll have increasingly helpful strategies to try.

 

I'm glad you're finding success with meds. That can be a huge help.

 

(((hugs from someone you don't know, but who's in the same boat)))

 

 

Hi there,

I agree with albeto and would like to suggest that you find an artistic outlet every single day for your dd. The last time I went through therapy for PTSD, it was recommended that I pursue art as a daily activity, whether is be drawing,singing,playing with clay, start playing an instrument, painting, etc..It's been a while ago, but I remember the therapist saying that those things switch on _______ in the brain, which slowly decreases the ________. (Sorry, my memory is too often shot...)

HTH. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[PrincessAriel]

I agree with the previous posters. She needs to heal. Art is good. I wouldn't worry about the academics with all she has been through. I wish you well!

[Pen]

In addition to art also nature, gardening and so on have been very helpful--getting out and doing things with plants, and the earth is very healing...and from my ds for a long time was a form of meditation, I think. ...and it can count as school, as can art. And sometimes hands on chores with others, not alone, cooking, that sort of thing, and again it is learning that can count as school. PTSD can resurface again in future too, so that aspects of this may reappear in new forms from time to time.

 

Anyway, I'd let her "unschool" --call it "school", or "unschool" or "healing time" or call it "calling it quits"--however you see that, but look at in a positive way, not with distress yourself. By and large for the rest of the year, do whatever seems to decrease her anxiety the best, but if she seems not to be happy just lying in the grass, have things like art or nature study to get into. And I'd happily let her read what she is interested in for the rest of the year. It might not be learning about other things or great lit, but it will be reading practice to keep that going, and if it can keep her mind off the stress situation that may help her heal.

 

Probably not helpful for you, but we got a new dog recently, which I was a bit worried about doing, but that has been very healing on the whole. Puppy is a being who needs attention and much other care, gives a lot of tactile/sensory stimulation, is a playmate, and also gives a feeling of someone to be protective even though the new puppy is not especially a "protective" breed or individual. Still, if anyone were lurking, say, in the closet, the dog would let my son know, so he feels relaxed and reassured, and sleeps very soundly. (I, OTOH, am woken in the night by puppy, but that is another matter.)

 

If you have to submit some form or something in re grade level for next year, I'd go with whatever she currently wants in terms of reassurance about 2nd vs. 3rd grade. You can move forward however fast she is ready for it as she is ready. For homeschool the designation does not mean that much IME--unless where you are has laws that differ from ours. Here there is an official level for state registration purposes. But in reality, we do different levels of work in different areas, as we need to. Unless you are required to give grades, I would not do so. I don't do so anyway.

 

I think 12 hours of sleep is in normal range as I recall. Many children do not get as much sleep as they should.

[Pen]

PS If she's emotionally shut down because of trauma I am not sure testing results looking for LDs would be accurate at this time.

[Tiramisu]

:grouphug: If at all possible, don't worry about testing or giving grades at all. It really doesn't matter in second grade. If you are under any obligation to keep track of hours, think outside the box. All that matters now is her healing. That's all. If you can do what makes her feel better now, the academics will take care of themselves.

[Ravin]

I have a friend whose daughter went through some abuse/trauma and they went ahead and held her back a year, as she needed the extra year emotionally (they public school). My DD we are considering calling 4th grade for a second year (or calling it a transition year), though she's finally getting to a place after a long plateau where she's ready to make forward progress again.

 

As someone else said, they can catch a lot of things up later down the road. The important focus now is emotional well being and healing.

[Slipper]

Thank you for all the replies. We do have to turn in grades but were excused from standardized testing. I have to show attendance but not lesson plans (unless requested). I feel a bit better about not having much of a plan at the moment. I suppose it's end of school year panic. Not only do we not have anything much to show for the year (academically), she's actually not at the point where she was at the beginning of the year.

 

We haven't discussed this with our family at all so our household appears odd to family members. (For example, I don't let youngest dd go somewhere after dark unless I'm there as well. This is her preference, but to avoid explaining I tell them it's MY preference so they think I'm hugely over-protective and smothering). The additional stress of having my parenting questioned drives me crazy at times.

 

We aren't a very religious family but this particular daughter is very religious, almost to the point of compulsion, especially since therapy started. I will look into meditation and see what we can come up with.

 

I do think we've finally accomplished her feeling safe at home. (Or at least, she doesn't spend the day hiding behind the couch any longer). We've worked through feeling safe and being believed. We've been debating about letting our dog sleep in the house (in her room specifically) and will probably go ahead and do that (after a bath and haircut since he makes me sneeze). She has said before that she would feel safer if he was in there with her.

 

Thanks for the reassurance. I think we're going to move her to 3rd grade but academically repeat 2nd. She still doesn't understand how homeschool works (she was in public school until middle of 1st grade) but I think if I can show her that she'll do 2nd grade work, she'll be fine. (And I feel good about her catching up later).

 

I'm open to any other thoughts. Thanks again.

[sassenach]

Poor, sweet thing. I'm sorry for all you're going through.

 

I've talked to my kids a lot about how our job in life is to learn. Grade levels aren't really real (if we went to another country, they would have a completely different system). So we just focus on learning and save the grade levels for paperwork. I'm not sure if that's helpful, but that's how I direct my kids away from grade focus.

 

Great advice above. I definitely wouldn't worry about being behind. I personally wouldn't do testing right now. If she was learning with ease before, suffered a trauma, and is now struggling, it's clear what the problem is. I think your main job is going to be making learning joy filled and low stress. I know, harder than it sounds, but possible!

 

Peace to you.

[Ottakee]

I hate to phrase it this way but do you know for SURE that she was threatened by a real person? I ask as my dd had hallucinations, etc. and the things she was seeing/hearing, etc. were the hallucinations, not reality.

 

I ask as the treatment might be a bit different. My daughter was put on medication (an atypical antipsychotic) along with mood stabilizers and we haven't had those hallucinations again. She also had a lot of anxiety, etc.

 

Horse back riding--either regular with a great instructor, or therapeutic riding can be very helpful and healing for these kids as well.

[Dmmetler]

I don't know if this would help or hurt, but this is the time of the year when a lot of questionably "grade level" labeled workbooks appear for summer review-3rd grade labeled books that are more like 1st grade level content, multiplication workbooks that include all the answers in a table at the top and then have the questions in order so all you need to do is copy, etc. Would she be reassured by doing some bridge into 3rd or "3rd grade" labeled work that is in her comfort zone, so that she can feel confident that she can do it? I've never dealt with this level of anxiety in a child, but I know my DD is very, very capable of psyching herself out if she thinks that something is too hard for her, and that sometimes just the label on a book can make a big difference.

[Pen]

Book: The Instinct to Heal subtitle: Curing Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy, by David Servan-Schreiber, M.D., Ph.D. . Has much in it.

 

It might help to tell family members what is going on in a few private, confidential discussions--perhaps a few key people who can both help your stress level and maybe also help by stepping in if others are questioning your parenting.

 

Not sure if she is old enough, but my ds liked the movie, What the Bleep Do You Know (we had to discuss it, and watch more than once to catch on to what was going on, and you should watch it first yourself to decide whether it seems like it would be okay for her or not). It has a story of a woman who is dealing with some past trauma, at same time as being about brain and emotional healing and also quantum physics. It is ...different. There was a bonus features part with some of the actors and makers talking, some of which bored us, and we used fast forward, but one part was the actress who played the upbeat part in the film, yet in real life said she had had trouble with depression, and that what she'd learned from the film about the brain and repatterning it, helped her a lot, and another bonus part had the one child actor in the film which was also sort of interesting to ds. Even if your ds isn't old enough for it herself, it might give you some ideas different than what you might otherwise have.

 

If you already have a dog, and if the dog is child safe and you manage the allergic aspects, from my experience it would be worth trying. I had a solution to rub on pets at one point to lower their dander, but cannot now recall what it was called. The new pup (who has short fur, it was on my list of requirements of important dog aspects) has been taking showers with my son weekly. The old dog, who has vast quantities of medium length fur, likes (well, okay, tolerates) being vacuumed so long as the suction is low and with a furniture brush end (I used to have an attachment meant for dog hair, but cannot find it right now, called something like Mrs. Smith's pet attachment) and Furminator-ed (it is a de-shedding comb like tool).

 

Can you turn in I for incomplete as grades? Or P for pass?

 

If you have to do std tests every year, maybe consider your official year according to that. My ds is a year back as his official grade level--it is nicer to now feel like we are ahead in most areas than to feel like we are behind. For extracurriculars I generally put him where he fits socially or topically, so the official designation does not affect much, other than the year end testing. Beyond "nicer" it is less stressful, and stress is damaging, thus good to avoid. This is an area where it easy to avoid. If you call her 3rd and have to be ready at end of year for 3rd grade level tests, there will be pressure to catch up. Ironically, it may actually be easier (for both of you) to catch up without the pressure to do so. Since you wrote that she used to like to do extra math I think it was, once she is feeling better, she will probably want to do more, but until then she (and you) won't have that as one more stress.

 

Another film I want to see is called Stress, Portrait of a Killer--I have not done so yet, so can't say if it is good or not, but just the title, I think, is important.

[albeto]

I hate to phrase it this way but do you know for SURE that she was threatened by a real person? I ask as my dd had hallucinations, etc. and the things she was seeing/hearing, etc. were the hallucinations, not reality.

 

I ask as the treatment might be a bit different. My daughter was put on medication (an atypical antipsychotic) along with mood stabilizers and we haven't had those hallucinations again. She also had a lot of anxiety, etc.

 

Horse back riding--either regular with a great instructor, or therapeutic riding can be very helpful and healing for these kids as well.

 

I would encourage you to explore this seriously, as well. If this is the case, not only would her treatment be different (after all, you can't talk away hallucinations, regardless of how nice and well-meaning a therapist is), but they would likely also address the religious obsessions head-on. Addressing anxiety through intense behaviors may feel comforting at the moment, but they're anything but. Obsessive-compulsive behavior won't help her regain control over her mental health, they'll simply train her brain to feel more anxious when those behaviors aren't expressed. Religiouly themed OCD might be harder to identify because it seems like a more intense flavor of an otherwise benign interest, but you should be able to give her some relief from this as well., and that doesn't include fostering it.

[wingedradical]

I understand some of your concerns since I am dealing with a child who deals with PTSD plus a lot more.

 

Re: the meditation suggestion, ask your child's therapist about DBT - dialectical behavioral therapy. At her age, she is probably too young for much of it but it may offer some ideas for helping her in a few areas. My much older child is now in DBT group therapy.. It is based on principles of relaxation, breathing, surrender, mindfulness, etc. It sounds religious to some people and indeed, some practitioners are Buddhist in their spirituality. I myself am a Christian, though, as is her counselor, and we look upon it as principles that people in a Buddhist culture discovered and assigned religious explanations for (just as people in other cultures discovered herbs and assigned religious explanations for). So I think it can be used for all faiths or no faith.

 

I

[Slipper]

Thanks for the continuing replies. I want to clarify that while we do not know all the details, there is no doubt about the incident that took place to cause her trauma. I don't believe that the other person involved has actually killed children and he may not have even told her that fact and she may have easily imagined/dreamed it up. She very much believes he will hurt her because she talks to her therapist about what happened. She is on medication for anxiety which has helped, tremendously.