How do you choose peace?

[birchbark]

I'l start by linking to this short blog post I bookmarked last year.

 

As a perfectionist and introvert who started having children a little later in marriage, I had been getting more and more stressed as our brood increased and the workload and noise ramped up at our house. And my stress affected the whole mood of our home. Choosing peace over productivity was an epiphany for me and I decided to make it my goal.

 

Unfortunately, being conscious of the need has not really changed me that much. I still feel stressed, on edge, and distracted by all that needs to be done, rather than relating well to the kids. I am constantly asking them to clean something up! Add that to the responsibilities of parenting and teaching, and I feel like I am the constant "bad guy" in their lives.

 

I posted this question on my Facebook page, but I thought I'd get more responses here. A lot of the answers I'm getting have to do with how to better run the house. But my problem is that I DO run the house well! We have routines, chores, training and the like, but I feel like I have to turn into a drill sergeant to implement them, and I don't like that!

 

A few of the ladies agreed it comes down to lowering your standards. Okay, but can someone tell a perfectionist just how to do that? :) If any of you have been in my shoes and have learned to peacefully exist with a houseful of noisy messy children, please give me your tips! They really are good kids, they're just kids.

 

Hope I am making sense here.

[momtoamiracle]

Yes youre making sense. I have only one child that I had after almost 19 years of marriage. An orderly and perfect house is essential to my real peace of mind. However with a very imaginative little boy that takes way more energy then what I have. I keep it up reasonably well and I constantly remind myself that one day he will be grown up and gone and I will miss the chaos. Since I was only able to have one child due to multiple pregnancy loss and infertility, I embrace what I am able to have with this one child. I think of friends of mine whose children died and how they would love the messes their child would make, if they only have them back. It really is a constant reminder to myself that the fostering of my sons energy and imagination is very important. At the end of the day, he is a happy little boy, even if I feel a bid ragged around the edges. Of course not having a houseful makes a big difference. I have a bit more chance of getting peace and quiet.

 

 

You need to find your happy place, whatever it is that you can do during the day that is completely yours. For me, time in the tub at night with a book does a world of good for me. Find other things that can refresh you besides orderly surroundings.

 

These are the things that have helped me personally.

[PachiSusan]

The way I find peace is to stop comparing myself to anyone else and to have an attitude of gratitude. I'm not saying you don't have one. I'm just saying that for ME the key to my peace is to be grateful for everything I do have and not focusing on that which I don't have or which I'm trying to do.

[Lily_Grace]

Music, humor, and touch. :) It's the secret.

 

I turned my standards to being 15 minutes away from company ready, 5 minutes away from impromptu guests. It allows me to relax a little about the minor messes. And I've made other rules - like if your books are still out you must want to do school after dinner/on the weekend. You would not believe how fast those books get put away at the end of the day!

 

I touch and ask quietly. A quick squeeze, ruffle the hair, and maybe a silly voice. Let them know they're loved but still set the standards.

 

I take care of me. It's spring. This week I have spent soooo much time outside - building and mowing and riding my bike and taking long walks! It's relaxing for me. When I can't, dh and I start off and end the day with yoga. It melts away the stress and puts me in a better frame of mind. I keep headphones plugged into the computer.

 

I bargain. Having mom do something means the kid must then do something for mom. Tit for tat.

 

And we transition with cards and music. My oldest (14) gets up to me singing (punishment or privilege, has yet to be determined.) My youngest (3) has a stack of index cards showing his morning routine and he picks one at a time at random. Yes, some days he gets snack right after breakfast, but right now, we're just setting what to do without mom standing over him later.

[brookspr]

I'm right there with you. While my house isn't always CLEAN (2 kids, a dog and a cat help make lots of messes) I expect it to be kept neat enough that I wouldn't be embarrassed if someone stopped by for a visit. That means no dirty socks on the floor, kitchen counters cleared, dining room table cleared, toys put away, etc...My floors aren't always swept or washed, the dishes aren't always done, but at least the house doesn't look messy at first glance. I, too, have to constantly remind the kids to clean up after themselves. I think you just keep at it until they do it without being asked. I've tried the chore charts and reminder lists, but when I have to remind them to check the reminder list, I feel like it's a failure.

 

I asked my son the other day, "Have I ever cleaned up after you when you are done with a meal, or do I always ask you to do it when you've walked away from your mess?" His answer was no, I haven't cleaned up after him. So then I ask, "Then why do I have to remind you every day to do it yourself?" He had no answer for me.

 

Frankly, I don't want to lower my standards to meet their (what I consider) laziness. I don't think I ask too much of them by wanting them to pick up after themselves. Sometimes I think making them do more chores and having it be a routine might help remind them to do the little things. Washing the dishes after dinner, taking the dog for a walk, and taking the garbage out are some that come to mind. Maybe if they felt they were helping the whole family instead of just picking up their things, they would feel more invested in keeping the house neat.

 

I constantly ask my daughter (12) to clean her room. It is a mess, and I won't let her friends come over unless it is picked up. She doesn't seem to care and it can be clean one day and messy the next.

 

It is frustrating, but I think eventually they will get it. Don't give up!

[Jilly]

Peace for me comes from being with my children in meaningful ways, from taking walks everyday, and from having a somewhat clean house. For me to have a clean house, I had to purge a good deal of our stuff. Too much stuff overwhelms me quite easily, so I had to cut back on everything (even books!) which makes the house easier to clean. A clean house makes me feel at ease which allows me time for the kids and for a quiet walk.

 

It also helps that my kids are older. When they were young I was always tired and the house was never that clean. Peace was hard to come by in that stage of life. :001_smile:

[coralloyd]

One of my favorite lessons from Charlotte Mason is the story she tells about not repeating yourself. She tells a story about a little boy that continues to leave the door open when he leaves a room. The mother doesn't yell from the other room, "________, come close the door!" or "Why do I always have to remind you to close the door?". Instead she calls him to her, looks him in the eye, gives him that knowing look and just looks in the direction of the door. She has told him enough times in the past that he should shut it behind him, that he understands the look. If he doesn't understand she can gently say something like "What are you forgetting?".

 

This works so well. I cannot tell you how much it helps (when I remember to do it). Getting your child to think "Oh yeah, I forgot to close the door." or say "I forgot to close the door, sorry." will do miracles! Your stress level will go way down when you don't have to nag. Plus, when they have to do the work of thinking it or saying it, they are teaching themselves. They tend to listen to themselves better than us :). It really works!

[Anne in CA]

I do think that part of the job of parenting is making sure kids learn to clean up after themselves. I love the idea of giving a loving look to the door instead of nagging, and I will try that myself, but part of the job of parenting is to turn children into responsible people, and having them clean the house is just part of that.

 

I work on meditating for a minute to calm my blood pressure when I have to tell a teen to come back in the kitchen and close all the cupboard doors even though this teen has been trained to shut cupboard doors since he could open them. I try to be "peaceful" about it. In my house personality comes into play here. No one in our home is a passive sort who can be told what to do without conflict. Conflict is part of our home because we are all high energy, strong willed people. I, as an introvert myself have to work on not freaking out when small conflict can cause a fight or flight sort of panic. That has been what I have had to work on in our home school journey. I am MUCH better now, but far from perfect, lol.

[kerenlynne]

For me Peace of Mind is all in my attitude. There are days when I walk into the kitchen and every cupboard door is open and no one put the milk back in the fridge and I just take care of it without thinking. There are also days when I nicely remind my kids to take care of their mess, but on some days I am screeching at them like a banshee:( When I step back and look on it, while the mess bothers me, it is really not the mess. It is about how unappreciated I feel, or how tired I am, etc. It all goes back on me. Now how to keep a good attitude requires taking care of myself physically and spiritually. It also requires me to let everything go about once a month and just go shopping or out with girlfriends or whatever. When I do this-I have to tell myself if I come home and the house is a disaster and no one seems to care, it is ok. I will deal with it tomorrow. My tendency is to never take a day off of what needs to be done and that just isn't healthy for me.

[MrsH]

I love this topic and was reading it yesterday during a few moments' downtime in the afternoon. While reading it I kept thinking "I really want to go gardening!" and then immediately I'd think "hmm... I'll just finish this thread and then go..." Eventually I saw the irony of reading about staying at peace, vs actually doing the thing that helps give me peace! So I turned off the computer and went off to go dig in the garden.

 

For me, making sure that I write down my to-dos so they're out of my brain, and being active/exercising most days are necessary towards my own peace of mind. Sometimes being active means gardening or house projects, sometimes it means taking a walk or playing Just Dance with the kids. It can look many different ways, but I really need it.

 

The other thing that helps me a lot is to have downtime most days. After lunch, we do a rest hour, and each person is in their own space doing their own thing. Sometimes I read a book, other days I do chores, or cook a new recipe, or take a nap. Again, it's less about what it looks like and more about the fact that I'm getting some uninterrupted time. Having that then allows me to go back to my kids with less resentment and anxiety than I had before.

 

Thanks for your post. It's been meaningful for me to reflect on what gives me peace, and I've enjoyed so many different responses!

[justamouse]

A few of the ladies agreed it comes down to lowering your standards. Okay, but can someone tell a perfectionist just how to do that? :) If any of you have been in my shoes and have learned to peacefully exist with a houseful of noisy messy children, please give me your tips! They really are good kids, they're just kids.

 

Hope I am making sense here.

 

 

 

How I lowered my standards?

 

I asked myself if it was going to kill me. :D

 

That said, order produces wonder, which produces peace. So the house is *reasonably* clean. People can always visit, but I've relaxed about what the kids have out. They are people too, this is their house, too, and as long as they pick up what they are done using, I've got to make the space for them.

 

Also, where do those standards come from? Magazines? Or the understanding that order leads to wonder? One is outward, the other is inward. Inward motivations are peaceful because we're not having them pressed upon us--which we will counter with resentment.

[justamouse]

One of my favorite lessons from Charlotte Mason is the story she tells about not repeating yourself. She tells a story about a little boy that continues to leave the door open when he leaves a room. The mother doesn't yell from the other room, "________, come close the door!" or "Why do I always have to remind you to close the door?". Instead she calls him to her, looks him in the eye, gives him that knowing look and just looks in the direction of the door. She has told him enough times in the past that he should shut it behind him, that he understands the look. If he doesn't understand she can gently say something like "What are you forgetting?".

 

This works so well. I cannot tell you how much it helps (when I remember to do it). Getting your child to think "Oh yeah, I forgot to close the door." or say "I forgot to close the door, sorry." will do miracles! Your stress level will go way down when you don't have to nag. Plus, when they have to do the work of thinking it or saying it, they are teaching themselves. They tend to listen to themselves better than us :). It really works!

 

 

Isn't she amazing? It's because instead of telling your child to close the door, you are reminding him of what he has to do. One is outwardly motivated, the other inwardly.

[I.Dup.]

OP, that was a great blog post! I feel God has been showing me the same things and He is gently helping my high-strung, anxious, controlling personality let things go.

 

It's a struggle.

 

I look at this job (the mother of 7, possibly more in the future) as my vocation. Converting to Catholicism has helped my mindset so much. Vocation is a new word that I learned from Catholicism. This is my vocation. Doesn't that sound important and sacred? :) I am doing an important, meaningful work. Even on my most UNproductive days when I feel that all I have done is sit around and nurse or cook a baby ;) , my children are here with me, I am sheltering them from the craziness of the world at their young, tender ages, loving them, encouraging them, watching over them. That is a big deal.

 

Many pregnancies and lots of little ones is not easy. Looking at this as my vocation, a sacred work, helps me SO much. Choosing to be grateful, especially as I see other families miserable and falling apart around me. My sister is going through a terrible divorce. I know many, many people in horrible, unhappy marriages with unhappy kids who are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I am so thankful for what God has given. Even the small things- our backyard with our fruit trees, our trampoline that the kids love to play on, finding 2 young girls that are willing to come over in the afternoons for every little pay to help me with the kids so I can nap, my husband who lets me sleep in on the weekends, there is so much to be grateful for. Our health! That is a huge blessing. Huge.

 

I have to let things go. I just posted about unschooling, that is one thing I am learning to do...not every subject has to be me standing over them, teaching them for 6 hours a day. I can relax my standards a bit. I have the kids on chores and that has helped a lot. Several children doing 2 or 3 jobs each day makes a big difference in the running of the household!

 

I spend a lot of time on the computer. This is my "me" time. I research any and everything, look for deals, plan trips for our family to take, talk with other moms. My children are always within about 10 feet of me and I am never too distracted to direct them or talk with them or teach them if that needs to happen, but this is really my only "escape" during this phase of life. I don't have girls' nights out, I don't spend time with friends, I don't drink or take baths or things like that. I just get on the computer off and on throughout the day. Pathetic? lol...I don't mind. I'm an introvert and don't have a whole lot of extra energy right now, so it works for me.

 

I love having things to look forward to, so I plan trips for our family, work on getting rooms made up and cleaned, plan outfits for the kids to wear for our next family picture, things like that. I am NEVER bored.

 

Not sure if this makes sense, but these are some things that work for me.

[Melissa B]

I send my children outside. Up to the age of 10 they are probably outside on average of 3-4 hours per day. The older children are still outside at least 2 hours per day. The noise doesn't get to me as much when there are long periods of silence within each day.

[I.Dup.]

I send my children outside. Up to the age of 10 they are probably outside on average of 3-4 hours per day. The older children are still outside at least 2 hours per day. The noise doesn't get to me as much when there are long periods of silence within each day.

 

yes!!!!!!

[PachiSusan]

I send my children outside. Up to the age of 10 they are probably outside on average of 3-4 hours per day. The older children are still outside at least 2 hours per day. The noise doesn't get to me as much when there are long periods of silence within each day.

 

 

This will be interesting for us in the summer. We live in Hot as Hell Vegas now and I don't think I will be able to send her outside to play much.

[Tracy]

As I have been working with my dd8, who has some ADD symptoms, we have been implementing strategies to help her. I have found that these strategies have also been very helpful in making our home and our relationships more peaceful. It has helped me to change my focus from running my home and getting things done to training my children to run a home and get things done on their own. Instead of making assignments and shouting out commands, now we talk about all the strategies that we need to implement to help them be successful adults. Teaching my kids to create and embrace routines has been a key strategy. For example, I don't ever have to yell at my kids to pick up their dirty clothes off the floor, because it is part of their everyday routine. And somehow, it is so much more peaceful to ask my child if she has checked her chart than to ask her (again) if she has made her bed.

 

It is taking a really long time for these routines to become automatic. I do have to have patience with the process, but after a year of work on it, I am starting to see the fruits of our labors. My 5yo, who doesn't have any ADD symptoms, has internalized his routines very quickly, and that is a great blessing.

 

We just revamped our bedtime routine, and I started by letting dd8 know that there are 4 things that need to be done, and the long-term goal is for her to move directly into this routine after her evening snack and then from one item to the next without reminders. As I see her getting to the end of her snack, I ask her what the 4 things are that she has to do next (rather than tell her). I remind her that she is to do the first thing on her list immediately upon finishing her snack. As I see her finish each step, I ask her what is next.

 

We are still working on our morning routine, which has twice as many things on the list. For that, I have a chart that she can mark off. She has to do it all before breakfast, or we start without her. After many months, she does not have it down, yet. But I have seen progress. And there is lot less stress in my house.

 

Another thing that we did that really helped is to time these routines. Usually, this is beneficial, because you can see real progress where you might not have noticed before. For me, it was beneficial to see that the times were all over the place (anywhere from 60-90 minutes to get ready in the morning). I saw that no incentive consistently affected the time it took her. It helped me to see her limitations.

 

With all this working on routines, I have often felt like a nag (though that is better than a drill sergeant). But recently, she made a comment about how her dad should have more routines, because they are really helpful.

 

It is my intention as the years go by to continue to add to their routines things like daily putting all toys away, daily wiping down the bathroom sink and toilet, and daily dusting their rooms. I really think that automaticity is the key to decreasing stress. If things are routine and automatic, you don't have to constantly stop and wonder what needs to be done or walk around and find things that need to be done.

[birchbark]

And I've made other rules - like if your books are still out you must want to do school after dinner/on the weekend. You would not believe how fast those books get put away at the end of the day!

 

 

This is great!

[birchbark]

Thanks, all. Some of my favorite hints, from here and the FB thread:

 

Mindset:

* Gratitude

* Realization how short and special the season is

* Don't compare

* One of my own: understanding I am running a "preschool" right now, not a Parade Home.

 

Practical:

* Regularly-scheduled clean sweeps. We do this right now before bedtime, but I think it may help if I add another earlier in the day, before naptime. Make them fun. The secret of this is then to totally relax between cleanings.

* Check and see what is important to DH home-wise, and don't try to have higher standards than that.

* Have just one room that stays clean, as sort of an oasis.

* Have occasional "whisper time," an idea from Jamie at SimpleHomeschool.

* Don't nag

* Have regular days off

* Send the kids outside everyday for extended periods of time

* Smile more

 

I need to find a place in our house to hand the word, "Peace."

[FloridaLisa]

Quiet time, reading time was my sanctuary when my children were little. I worked very deliberately to keep the baby and toddlers napping after lunch. Any old enough not to nap (and some of mine napped well into their 4s) had reading time. Rules: they had to read (or look at books) for an hour; no asking mom questions; no getting up for drinks, snacks or potty; no getting up to see how much time was left. I guarded that time because I needed to think my own thoughts and have quiet. Often, that hour might extend longer if they fell asleep or really got into books.

 

Lisa

[boscopup]

* Regularly-scheduled clean sweeps. We do this right now before bedtime, but I think it may help if I add another earlier in the day, before naptime. Make them fun. The secret of this is then to totally relax between cleanings.

 

 

My kids do better if I have them clean up before meals. They're highly motivated by food. Not so much motivated by bed time. :D

 

To add to your list... I try to keep my voice quiet. Like the CM example, if I need to tell my kids something, I call them to me so I can tell them quietly, or I go to the room they're in. Either way, we need to be in the same room so we aren't yelling. And I'm not talking about yelling at the kids (though that would be included here!), but just having to raise my voice to be heard. I'm still a work in progress. ;) But it really helps when I keep MY voice down, and sometimes if everyone is being loud, I'll just start talking to them in a whisper. That usually gets their attention and quiets them down.

 

And if they're really, really, REALLY loud, yes I send them outside and lock the door.

 

(ok, kidding about locking the door... most of the time :lol:)

[freeindeed]

Oh, boy, I need this thread!