Why do people feel the need to ask about socialization?

[Hedgehogs4]

I want to say this...

 

"I teach him at home to have good manners and be kind to people so that he can put up with people like you when he is in public. That's what we do for socialization. What do you do? I mean, it must be hard to un-teach all the bad stuff they are learning from the other kids at school."

 

...but I don't.

[AdamsFamily]

I think part of the reasoning behind this question is that people can be grouped into three categories:

 

1. Those that had many friends in school

2. Those that had hardly any friends in school, but desperately wanted more

3. Those that were happy with a few friends.

 

For the first two, the idea of being at home for the better part of everyday, not surrounded by other potential friends, seems unpleasant. They aren't thinking logically; they are thinking emotionally. They think we are depriving our kids of all those wonderful "friends" in the school, even if they did not have them either.

 

The third group probably doesn't think much about hs socialization.

 

I think that many ps families today run themselves ragged dragging their kids to every event, practice, game, etc. for which they can sign up their kids. Homeschooling seems more "relaxed" in comparison which inwardly they may crave but don't want to miss any opportunities for their kids to get ahead. (I know my BIL has expressed this desire but won't quit all his family's sports involvement.)

[brendag]

My best friend has her kids in a very traditional Montessori school which goes through 8th grade. Not long ago, we were having a discussion about the lack of Montessori high schools. She was a bit frustrated because it seems that many parents were pulling their kids out to go to traditional ps in upper grades so they could "get used to it" or "be part of the real world". Some didn't trust in the Montessori philosophy because that school wasn't doing standardized testing and they weren't sure if Montessori was rigorous enough like ps. She gets the same type of comments from people who aren't really that familiar with Montessori, but it seems that the concern from the people she talks to is about the academics.

 

I think anyone who does anything outside the "norm" is bound to get asked questions. I don't get too many, but then again, my kids are usually chatting up a storm with kids and adults alike. :D I do find it odd that people are asking the OP the question when the kids are being social as it has been my experience many people don't know the difference between socialization and socializing.

 

Luckily we still have several nice children on our street who are still able to come out and play after school many days and the kids all get along. Crossing my fingers it lasts! I remember just having to come home when the street lights came on in the summer. When we weren't home for food, we were out having fun and mostly staying out of trouble. hehe The good ol' days... ;)

 

Brenda

[elizabeth rose]

I think they ask due to lack of imagination. I would much prefer them to ask, about what we are learning in science, or history. What do you ask a kid who goes to ps when you are making general conversation? I always ask about science or something bc kids generally like that subject and have something to say. I would never ask a mom, hey how is that public school thing going? Don't you worry about xyz? How many field trips are they getting a year? Do they ever talk to people that aren't their age? No, of course not, so why are we the ones who always have to play polite? I've homeschooled for 12 years, and I am sick of it.

[ravinlunachick]

My son is constantly taken aback by kids his own age (5). He's the one walking up, introducing himself, complimenting a boy on his toy or telling a girl her dress is pretty. 9 times out of 10, the response is a frown followed by burying his/her face into the parent's thigh while the parent begs them to respond.

 

Oh my goodness, my little one gets this all the time as well! Actually, more often than not, there's no parent around, so the other kid just stares at dd without speaking or moves away, ignoring her entirely. It breaks my heart to see her try multiple times to engage a kid who's doing that (hey, that's what having a brother with autism will do for ya--you learn not to give up the first go 'round!). It happens all over the place too, so it's not just any one group of kids; it seems to be a pattern.

[Nscribe]

How often do you hear people say to someone who has their child at a private school, "what about socialization?" I have heard some comment that they don't go with private because they want their kids to experience diversity, but not because they fear their child will not be socialized or have opportunities to be social.

 

If you don't hear the question applied to private schoolers, is that because the assumption is that if for some set period of time each day for @180 days a year if children are with at least some minimum number of others at or near they age their needs for social opportunties will be met? If so, what is the minimum number before the need is adequately met?

 

When you really think about it, the whole thing is ridiculous. Humans did not fail to develop as social beings before the introduction of schools, divided by age, attended for x number of days. Learning to navigate the world, social norms, mores, engage others in conversation, make friends, operate cordially, be a friend, listen.....these are not skills that are arrived at/taught in one pegagogical manner exclusive to schools.

 

Silly bi-pedals trying to learn to communicate and relate to others outside the school. What are they thinking? You need a body of certified teachers, hallways, lockers, desks, white boards, sports teams, bands, PTA's and bells that ring for class changes in order for young people to learn to carry on a conversation and act in a situationally appropriate manner. Didn't you know that? Silly geese.

[Tarreymere]

I have a few younger friends (women in their mid-to-late twenties) who are very concerned with being associated with a certain style. I know I'm not explaining this well, but they feel strongly that they must keep up with fashions in clothing and music by listening to the latest music by certain performers and by wearing new styles of clothing as they come out and even by having a certain hairstyle and driving a certain kind of vehicle. These women are very concerned with presenting the appearance of being, oh, 'up to date' or what not with current trends. Current with pop culture. These are also NOT wealthy or well-off women, just lower middle class to middle class type women.

 

It is from these women that I usually hear the concern that without attending school in a classroom that children will not learn to properly appreciate or conform to this sort of behavior and that this will be a disadvantage for the child, even later in life. This is what these women mean when they ask 'What about socialization?'. They are not especially concerned with the academic aspect of their child's education but they are very much concerned with this sort of social conditioning. I think these women must be the adult version of the 'peer-oriented' individuals that were discussed in Hold On To Your Kids. I find this type of person to be the most difficult for me personally to deal with. I think it would be easier to communicate with space aliens than to try to explain to this type of mom why I don't think conditioned social conformity is that desirable. They are quite convinced I'm ruining my kids for life because they aren't learning to conform to these sorts of social expectations and will therefore become 'those weird homeschool kids", the ones who prefer perhaps jazz to Justin Beiber and heaven knows what other odd ideas they might have....

[treestarfae]

I have a few younger friends (women in their mid-to-late twenties) who are very concerned with being associated with a certain style. I know I'm not explaining this well, but they feel strongly that they must keep up with fashions in clothing and music by listening to the latest music by certain performers and by wearing new styles of clothing as they come out and even by having a certain hairstyle and driving a certain kind of vehicle. These women are very concerned with presenting the appearance of being, oh, 'up to date' or what not with current trends. Current with pop culture. These are also NOT wealthy or well-off women, just lower middle class to middle class type women.

 

It is from these women that I usually hear the concern that without attending school in a classroom that children will not learn to properly appreciate or conform to this sort of behavior and that this will be a disadvantage for the child, even later in life. This is what these women mean when they ask 'What about socialization?'. They are not especially concerned with the academic aspect of their child's education but they are very much concerned with this sort of social conditioning. I think these women must be the adult version of the 'peer-oriented' individuals that were discussed in Hold On To Your Kids. I find this type of person to be the most difficult for me personally to deal with. I think it would be easier to communicate with space aliens than to try to explain to this type of mom why I don't think conditioned social conformity is that desirable. They are quite convinced I'm ruining my kids for life because they aren't learning to conform to these sorts of social expectations and will therefore become 'those weird homeschool kids", the ones who prefer perhaps jazz to Justin Beiber and heaven knows what other odd ideas they might have....

 

 

Ha ha those women are what you'd call "townies"

 

Devoid of culture and totally zoned in on local gossip and sparkles.

 

It's ok if they judge us because we'll judge right back. We have opinions too.

[treestarfae]

 

That's a much nicer name than one I would have come up with.

 

 

We also call them "commoners"

 

We have a lot more fun "socializing" with the public than people ever want us to.

[RootAnn]

The very few times people have said anything to be about socialization, I've asked them what they mean by that term. I've found that in most cases, the women mean, "Will they be able to find a boyfriend & go to prom?" and the men mean, "Will they be allowed to participate in sports?" Some of them blurt out something like that & some take awhile to think through what they are really wondering. One of my neighbors showed me her Bilbo face when snarking about a common friend removing her kids from school about this very issue.

 

because the boy's speech therapist insisted that he needed to be around other kids his own age for socialization

 

Our speech eval at the PS had for their #1 recommendation that ds#2 spend his days at the PS preschool because "something magical" happens when kids are around other kids their (exact) age. At the time, it sure seemed like a very strange recommendation. Interesting to hear that it isn't just something the 'professionals' here thought up.

 

My 2 year old niece did that. Stopped talking at 10 months old and started talking again when she went to half day playschool at 18 months. No one knows why she refuse to talk which was why she was enrolled in playschool.

 

Huh. I've heard of selective mutism, but only from my friend from England & one of her daughters. The daughter was just fine at home, but never said a word at public school. I think she was in third grade when she finally started talking at school.

 

When people ask where my kids go to school I am often tempted to say they go to a very private school. I imagine I'd get an entirely different reaction than "they are homeschooled".

 

My (older) kids are trained to give the name of our homeschool out (which has "Academy" at the end of it). Never works in (our small) town, but when we are anywhere else, people just think my kids go to a very small private school. Saves the weird looks & the questions. Also works when people ask if they are out of school for the day. (Used it quite a bit last year when we'd travel up one day a week to see my dad before he died.)

[Dmmetler]

 

When people ask where my kids go to school I am often tempted to say they go to a very private school. I imagine I'd get an entirely different reaction than "they are homeschooled".

 

I recently signed one of my kids up for a gymnastics class. I'm new there so I haven't really talked to anyone yet. But so far I've heard nothing but talk from other parents about school. One woman went on and on about how she needs to get her youngest used to the idea of being separated from his sister so he will be ready for school. And on and on. And school...blah blah. I'm just bracing myself for the questions that will surely come.

 

 

 

FWIW, it hasn't been a big deal-mostly because I'm the one who is able to help their waiting DC (or sometimes, the waiting moms) understand the homework when the DC is puzzled with it. Especially when they hit fractions ;).

[I.Dup.]

I have a few younger friends (women in their mid-to-late twenties) who are very concerned with being associated with a certain style. I know I'm not explaining this well, but they feel strongly that they must keep up with fashions in clothing and music by listening to the latest music by certain performers and by wearing new styles of clothing as they come out and even by having a certain hairstyle and driving a certain kind of vehicle. These women are very concerned with presenting the appearance of being, oh, 'up to date' or what not with current trends. Current with pop culture. These are also NOT wealthy or well-off women, just lower middle class to middle class type women.

 

It is from these women that I usually hear the concern that without attending school in a classroom that children will not learn to properly appreciate or conform to this sort of behavior and that this will be a disadvantage for the child, even later in life. This is what these women mean when they ask 'What about socialization?'. They are not especially concerned with the academic aspect of their child's education but they are very much concerned with this sort of social conditioning. I think these women must be the adult version of the 'peer-oriented' individuals that were discussed in Hold On To Your Kids. I find this type of person to be the most difficult for me personally to deal with. I think it would be easier to communicate with space aliens than to try to explain to this type of mom why I don't think conditioned social conformity is that desirable. They are quite convinced I'm ruining my kids for life because they aren't learning to conform to these sorts of social expectations and will therefore become 'those weird homeschool kids", the ones who prefer perhaps jazz to Justin Beiber and heaven knows what other odd ideas they might have....

 

 

I couldn't possibly be more opposite than these women. It's laughable, really. I cannot fathom their mindset or what drives them. Maybe that's one reason I homeschool and they don't, lol.

[Anne in CA]

This has been an interesting thread, I enjoyed reading it. The socialization question has never bothered me for the simple reason that I work with the general public, and people from all over America and all over the world and I don't think that public schooled Americans are the best socialized group out there. That is my experience. I don't think I could do worse than ps does as far as turning my children into productive citizens. I have taught Sunday School to kids from private school who have made me determined not to send my kids to private school.

 

I have three children, one of whom would be considered to have perfect social skills. Two of my children do not have perfect social skills, but one of them is really improving as he gets older and will be just fine. One refuses to take social cues, but has may friends and is gainfully employed so, I guess she is okay. I do not think that ps or the lack of made a big difference for any of my kids. Life has a way of finding you no matter where you are. I think it is amusing that some people believe home schoolers actually have a super power that enables them to avoid life, lol.

[Kristin in Hawaii]

I'm just chiming in to agree that it is funny that people will ask *the* questions when we are out with a dozen teenagers, on a field or camping trip -- the kids are laughing, chatting, working cooperatively, etcetera and someone will ask...

 

The last time it happened I admit to just staring at her with an arched eyebrow for a long moment, then pointed over my shoulder at the kids and answered "Really, are you kidding?" Of course I then let myself be drawn into a long conversation that I should have just cut short so she could not waste my time further....