Slipper Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 My middle daughter is typically a responsible kid. She is 11 years old and typically knows right from wrong. Several weeks ago, she had a friend come over to spend the night. This friend is a sweet girl, and is a bit on the heavy side. We live in the country so there is a lot of time that they played without being directly supervised by myself. My daughter asked if she could take her friend on a ride around our property in my mother's golf cart (my mother lives next door). My mother was out of town, but she doesn't mind if the girls borrow her golf cart so I gave permission and called my mother to let her know (and she was fine with it). I told my daughter that she and her friend needed to ride in the seat of the golf cart (sometimes the girls like to hang off the back when they are a passenger, which I'm not comfortable with for a guest). They started off riding appropriately, but once out of sight, the friend wanted to ride on the back. My daughter agreed and stopped the cart so the friend could change places. When the friend jumped up on the back, the plastic broke, putting a big hole in the back section of the cart. (Additionally, the friend jumped on one of the beds and it broke. As well, they went out to one of the outside buildings and left a window unit a/c turned on AND a plug in heater turned on. They forgot and they both stayed on, running non-stop for nearly two weeks before my husband noticed it). I did not blame the friend for the broken bed. After a lecture and being told she could not use the out-buildings without an adult present for a month, she had no further punishment for wasting utilities. They did not tell me they broke my mother's golf cart. However, when my mother came home, my daughter walked next door and immediately told her that they broke it and she was very sorry. The back of the cart was old and my mother told her it was fine. Today, I found out about the golf cart being broken by dd and her friend. They had kept this secret for about three weeks. I immediately offered to pay but my mother told me she would only ask me to pay for half since it was old anyway (about $25). I told dd that she had to pay $10 out of her allowance and she was not allowed to carry her friends on the golf cart until further notice. I am most upset that she didn't tell us and secondly because her friend could have been hurt because she disobeyed. My mother is upset at me for interfering between their agreement about breaking the golf cart. I am unusually sensitive to "secrets" that exclude DH and I. I felt like DD should have told me immediately (although I'm glad she did confess to my mother immediately and apologize). Mother feels like I should let her handle it since it's her property. Thoughts? I felt my punishment was fair and that I should have been told. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Wow, that is a tough one. I would have a serious problem with the girls hiding this from me, and I understand your concern. Regarding the punishment, I think what you are asking is fair. I don't understand your mom asking you to pay half, then having a problem with having your daughter pay part of it. It is a good lesson for her to learn. Perhaps you could have discussed it with your mom first (not to ask permission, but to give her a heads up about what your punishment would be). Either way, I think it would be a very damaging lesson for your daughter to learn that she could get reduced or no punishment for disobeying you simply by telling your mother instead of you about her actions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I think your dd and her friend should have told you and since they didn't, I think yes, your mom should have told you. (Though you didn't say how you found out.) Even though it is her property, she was out of town and you were responsible, not only for the property, but also for the safety of your dd and guest. I also think you did the right thing in administering whatever disciplinary measures fit your family & circumstances. I feel that both girls were a bit sneaky/deceitful for not telling you while they were together at your home. ETA: If I were the parents of your guest, I would want to know as well. You didn't mention that so I am toally giving my opinion without being asked. Please feel free to ignore me! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I'd be okay with my mom handling it, and I could see how she'd be ... not upset, but maybe put off? ... by me not allowing her to handle this situation. I totally see your side of things, and I don't think you're being unreasonable in your expectations ... but I also see value in my children learning and being guided by other adults - especially other adults I trust, and generally around the pre-teen years. So if it were me and my mom, I'd feel what you're feeling but I'd defer to her handling of the situation. But I don't know you and your mom, or the dynamics of your relationship. I'd wish that one or the other had included me in the loop. I'd be hurt, disappointed, and even a little bit offended! But I'd also remind myself that she showed remorse and a desire to right a wrong by immediately confessing to the owner of the broken cart. She took steps to handle a problem she created. She's maturing from the age where mommy knows everything, and learning how to navigate a broader world. Your mom is safe practice, from both your's and your daughter's perspective - right? These are all good things, that override my desire (right or wrong) to know everything that goes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 While I value other respected adults in my kids lives having input, I am NEVER ok with my kids keeping secrets from me. Especially since it was something that you specifically talked to her about and she disobeyed something that you said to her. The wrong done was not just to the cart, but in disobeying you, even if the cart hadn't been broken. I feel the cart being broken just made it so she was caught in the act, so to speak. You had every right to know that your daughter wasn't listening to specific instructions that you gave her, and I would completely agree that she needs to pay in some way in order to learn anything from it. Otherwise she'll see it as, it's alright to not listen to mom, so long as it will involve Grandma. Grandma will keep me from getting in trouble for ignoring mom. If you had not said anything to her ahead of time and something had happened, I'd be pleased she owned up to it to her Grandma and I would leave it between the two as you weren't really involved at the beginning. But that isn't the case here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I agree that 11yo is too young to be encouraged to keep a secret from mom. It is just yucky to me. Of course 11yo's all have secrets, but another adult should not encourage it. That said, I probably would not complain to anyone about it. I would keep it to myself. I would tell my dd I was proud of her for fessing up to granny and taking responsibility. I would tell her that although granny was being nice about it, she should make restitution just like anyone else who breaks something. I would prefer to have her do some work rather than pay some money she did not even earn, though. I would tell her that she should have told me right away so I could assess the situation and decide if anything should be done or said prior to granny's return. I don't feel like a lot of harm was done here. It won't be long before you feel OK with letting your dd have more privacy and handle these types of things without consulting you. At least you know she has the character to be honest and face tough situations with integrity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I understand your mother wanting to be the one to handle the golf cart costs, since dd went to her first. Your punishment of your dd should based on the fact that she disobeyed you by allowing the friend on the back of the cart, and then keeping it from you for 3 weeks. They are two (really three) different issues. Make sure your mom understands that you are punishing for the disobedience, and for dd not telling you that she allowed her friend on the back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I love my mother but I do not always trust her judgment. My kids visit her for the day, but they are not allowed to go on trips with her. She tries too hard to be "cool". I found out about the broken golf cart by accident. My mom is going back out of town and mentioned that it hadn't been fixed yet so be careful if we use it. I asked what happened and they both looked guilty and my daughter told me that her friend broke it. I'm mostly upset about the disobedience. If it had been handled differently, I wouldn't be so annoyed by it. My daughter (by the way) understands perfectly why I'm upset and while she's not happy about the punishment, she understands why it's there and agrees that it's fair. My mother is more upset than my daughter. Thanks again :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 personally I would be more upset about the heater and air-conditioner being left on. I would have flipped out about that. I can only imagine what the electricity bill would have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 My middle daughter is typically a responsible kid. She is 11 years old and typically knows right from wrong. Several weeks ago, she had a friend come over to spend the night. This friend is a sweet girl, and is a bit on the heavy side. We live in the country so there is a lot of time that they played without being directly supervised by myself. My daughter asked if she could take her friend on a ride around our property in my mother's golf cart (my mother lives next door). My mother was out of town, but she doesn't mind if the girls borrow her golf cart so I gave permission and called my mother to let her know (and she was fine with it). I told my daughter that she and her friend needed to ride in the seat of the golf cart (sometimes the girls like to hang off the back when they are a passenger, which I'm not comfortable with for a guest). They started off riding appropriately, but once out of sight, the friend wanted to ride on the back. My daughter agreed and stopped the cart so the friend could change places. When the friend jumped up on the back, the plastic broke, putting a big hole in the back section of the cart. (Additionally, the friend jumped on one of the beds and it broke. As well, they went out to one of the outside buildings and left a window unit a/c turned on AND a plug in heater turned on. They forgot and they both stayed on, running non-stop for nearly two weeks before my husband noticed it). I did not blame the friend for the broken bed. After a lecture and being told she could not use the out-buildings without an adult present for a month, she had no further punishment for wasting utilities. They did not tell me they broke my mother's golf cart. However, when my mother came home, my daughter walked next door and immediately told her that they broke it and she was very sorry. The back of the cart was old and my mother told her it was fine. Today, I found out about the golf cart being broken by dd and her friend. They had kept this secret for about three weeks. I immediately offered to pay but my mother told me she would only ask me to pay for half since it was old anyway (about $25). I told dd that she had to pay $10 out of her allowance and she was not allowed to carry her friends on the golf cart until further notice. I am most upset that she didn't tell us and secondly because her friend could have been hurt because she disobeyed. My mother is upset at me for interfering between their agreement about breaking the golf cart. I am unusually sensitive to "secrets" that exclude DH and I. I felt like DD should have told me immediately (although I'm glad she did confess to my mother immediately and apologize). Mother feels like I should let her handle it since it's her property. Thoughts? I felt my punishment was fair and that I should have been told. It may be your mother's property, but it's your dd, so I think you did the right thing. I also agree that you should have been told. It's a matter of respect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 D/d did the right thing going to your mom and immediately owning up to what she did...but I agree she should have spoken to you first. Not interfering in her special relationship with her grandmom is admirable, but if d/d is using that to circumvent consequences at home, it would be a problem here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I'm with bzymom--perhaps she went right to her gma and told her and didn't tell you b/c she thought gma would be more lenient than you? G'mas are like that sometimes. ;) :) I think maybe this little girlfriend requires a bit more supervision when she's over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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