WistfulRidge Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 My in-laws have officially booked (as of last Saturday) their plane tickets for their annual trip to visit us. Mixed feelings about this. I love my FIL. Honestly, he is one of the kindest people I have ever met. My MIL on the other hand... well, she's not the worst MIL possible, but she is far, far from being a good one. Hence the need to vent, just a little bit, so I don't reach through the phone/computer and attempt to throttle her the next time she wants to talk with me. Like I said... reservations made Saturday. Since then she has: 1) Complained, multiple times about how much the plan tickets cost. Never mind that we found them a better deal than the one they got (would have saved them about $500) but she insisted on using a travel agent that attends their church because of course that automatically meant they would get the best deal. (FWIW, FIL agreed with us, so MIL waited and bought the tickets while he was at work to prove that she could get the better deal... and now we are all getting to listen to her complain) 2)Tried to insist that DH pay for their rental car. We won't have a vehicle big enough by then (and right now we're a one vehicle family) for them to ride with us. We do owe them a little bit of money that they lent us while DH was unemployed, so we offered to use that amount (which we are currently saving up) to pay for their rental and then give them the remaining $ via check... but they would rather just have it as a lump sum (which I completely understand, but this leads us to point three...) 3)Called my mother to tell her that she needs to tell me to "convince" (ie, make) DH pay for the car rental anyway because the "trip is so expensive" 4) Despite repeating, several times, that DH would not be able to take that much work off... she booked the trip for 2 weeks, instead of 1. In theory, I have no problem with this. I understand that this is the only time of year that they get to see their son and grandkids... FIL will be fine and thoroughly enjoy the extra time with the kids. MIL is already complaining that DH won't be home the entire time... 5)Apparently MIL told my mom that the reason she booked the trip for two weeks was because she is just sure that this baby is a girl and she wants lots of time to spend with her. Which, I'll be honest, just really, really pisses me off. I get that she always really wanted a little girl and got 3 boys "instead", but after hearing stories about the crap my DH put up with growing for daring to be that third boy, and getting to see how she treats him in general... this just makes me really, really angry. Angry to the point of shaking, angry. Because while FIL is the very epitome of doting, loving grandpa... MIL's visits typically go like this; Arrive, be happy to see grandkids, buy them a gift or two, take some pictures, and proceed to complain to me/ try to scold them for the rest of the visit because they won't leave her alone/ be quiet so that she can focus on her facebook games. I'm used to her quirks/ emotional abuse tendencies and have figured out how to work around/with her to minimize their impact on DH and the kids... except now the kids (especially DS1) are getting old enough to take notice of these sorts of actions and the thousand, stupid, thoughtless things I'm sure she'll say that DH, FIL, or myself won't be able to cut off fast enough. And if this baby is a girl I know she is going to want absolutely nothing to do with the boys and will pretty much try to ignore them completely. If baby is a boy then I'll get to listen to her feel sorry for me for having the dreaded three boys and she'll keep telling me something along the lines of 'you have to stop having kids now... you can't possibly risk having FOUR boys!" Of course, if baby is a girl I'll get the similar thread of "Now that you have a girl you can stop having kids!' No, I'm sorry, it doesn't really work that way for us... (Is it completely awful that my knee jerk reaction is to really want baby to be a boy just to tick her off even though gender really doesn't matter at all to me?) 6) They will be staying with us. For the whole two weeks. Once again, FIL = fine, MIL = both DH and I freaking out, just a little bit. In the past we never had a place big enough for them to stay... but now we do and so staying in a hotel doesn't even really register as an option for them, especially because it would add another $1000 + to their trip total. And wow, this got really long. Sorry 'bout that... :rant: ETA: I do feel the need to add that DH has already stated, multiple times, that he won't let his mom put his boys through the crap she dished out to him growing up, even if he has to throw her out. That both relieves some of my stress and adds to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm really and truly sorry for what you are about to go through. No pregnant woman should be subject to that. Isn't there an international treaty that deals with such things? Maybe you could send her an email and say that you understand that the trip is really expensive and you understand if she doesn't really want to come? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 She called your mother? Oh, my word! For that I'd never speak to her again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Wow. Yeah, that is tough.FWIW I didn't hold back from telling my ds that his grandmother (my now XMIL) is not normal. I'm just not playing games where I have to pretend to my kid that obnoxious behavior is 'ok' because she is his grandmother. I do require kindness and respect but I want him to know it is HER not him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 :grouphug: I feel your pain, sort of. My in-laws would never stay w/ us. They would drive 4 hrs to come have lunch, and then turn around and drive 4 hours back home. I guess that's not a bad thing...considering. And yes, I got the "You can stop having kids now" comment when they found out the twins were girls. Ugh! We always wanted 4, and there are/were times I wish I had gone ahead and had more...just to make them mad! :D I do have to lol at the 3rd brother having the audacity to be a boy. Dh's younger brother was supposed to be the girl (because dh had the audacity to also be a boy), but yb is the spoiled one. Doesn't matter that dh and older brother are married w/ kids. If there is a family get together, everything revolves around the younger, single brother. I've heard comments from people who grew up w/ dh, about younger brother being so spoiled- so it was very blatant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm just stuck on she called your mother. :cursing: Since you say you have space for them now, does the space include a room for them. If it does I would keep directing her back to her room whenever she complains about the kids. "MIL, it is best you read or use your computer in private." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Oh, you poor thing. You can come stay at my house with your children. No mama should have to go through that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 do you and dh come from the same town - your MIL calls your mother - they've know each other for years or is does your MIL really not know boundries. It seems to me that your DH needs to really come clean about his feeling toward his mother's treatment of him and how she treats others. I say this as someone who put up with her parents for 20 years. This last year I moved them in with me again (cause they are both a dang mess). My mom had cancer and dad already is disabled. I put up with stuff for a couple of months. THe thing is I would of continued putting up with stuff because you are conditioned to obey, love, honor your parents. THe thing is when you get an adult its also OK to demand respect. My dh was so fed up, frustrated behind close doors (he wouldn't do it for me cause they are my parents). He really open my eyes to how my relationship has been with them. I want go into more but just to give you an idea of disfunctional (YOUR MIL is dysfunctional) I wonder if your dh should start talking with his father about it first. Does your fil not see how his wife acts? I finally told my parents how tired I was of their taking advantage of me and other stuff. Yeah it hurt their feelings but after a few months they both could see the truth. I guess I don't want your dh and you to go through as many years of putting up with someone who doesn't respect you. I think your dh needs to speak up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 She called your mother! Are you freaking kidding me?! I would have already had dh call his parents to cancel the trip over something like that. Why does she have your mother's number? Dh needs to rake mil over the coals for doing that. Mil is definitely in the wrong, but so is your mother. She should not be accepting those kinds of phonecalls from mil and then complaining to you about it. She is fueling mil's drama by doing that. She needs to learn how to gracefully step out of the drama by refusing to accept the call, as in, "I'm sorry fellow mother-in-law, but that sounds like something you need to discuss with your son. I've got something boiling on the stove, gotta go." As a general rule, your dh needs to be handling his own mother. He can't do that if he's at work. I realize that they've already booked their plane tickets, but in the future I would make it clear that if dh can only take 1 week off of work then they can only stay for 1 week. I would not be trying to handle that level of crazy without dh as a constant presence and I sure wouldn't be up to handling it post-partum. Please tell me that this visit isn't being planned for immediately after the birth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 :grouphug: I feel for the OP and her crazy MIL, but I don't think it's that crazy that the mother's call each other. In my family that's not out of the ordinary. My mom talks occasionally to mine, but she talks often to my brother's mil. Growing up, all my grandparents became good friends and all hung out together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brookspr Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I told my own mother off once. That's all that I needed to do to get her to back off. She was always telling me how to raise my kids and I had enough of her criticism. Yes, I made her cry, but after that she backed off and didn't interfere again. My dad stuck up for me, which helped. She knows I love her and the kids love her, too, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm not telling you to yell at your MIL, but sometimes you have to be hard-nosed when it comes to stubborn people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 :grouphug: I feel for the OP and her crazy MIL, but I don't think it's that crazy that the mother's call each other. In my family that's not out of the ordinary. My mom talks occasionally to mine, but she talks often to my brother's mil. Growing up, all my grandparents became good friends and all hung out together. She didn't call to have a friendly chat. She called her to complain about her own son. That conveys the attitude of, "My son isn't doing what I want, so it must be your controlling daughter that is making him be uncooperative. You need to discipline your daughter, so that she does what I want." How ugly and condescending! That's like me calling up the mom of one of my preschooler's friends to complain that the girls aren't sharing or getting along. It's something you do for preschoolers, not grown adults. This is something very different from grandparents acting friendly toward one another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 She didn't call to have a friendly chat. She called her to complain about her own son. That conveys the attitude of, "My son isn't doing what I want, so it must be your controlling daughter that is making him be uncooperative. You need to discipline your daughter, so that she does what I want." How ugly and condescending! That's like me calling up the mom of one of my preschooler's friends to complain that the girls aren't sharing or getting along. It's something you do for preschoolers, not grown adults. This is something very different from grandparents acting friendly toward one another. I agree, but I was really responding to some being shocked that she had the phone number at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 She sounds like like a wet blanket on a cold day; you and your children deserve better. Try not to let her manipulate, bully or guilt you into paying a dime for her to inflict her torment on your family. I would put on my non-hearing listening ears and seek my mental happy place. Expectant mothers deserve a comforting person who will pamper and cherish them as they welcome a new baby into the family. *Small suggestion from a woman who has lived with a nightmare mil for many years. Set some boundaries, the book BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend is a wonderful resource. The small petty me, would ask what names she hated and name the baby one of them. jk. :001_rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Yes, she called my mother. I didn't even know she had my mother's phone number... (caught my mom off guard too... she had long since forgotten that she had given it to my MIL! My grandmothers were really close friends - a friendship that developed after my parents got married and I think my mom was hoping that a somewhat similar relationship with develop between her and my MIL. My mom thrives on family closeness/togetherness). They don't live in the same country, let alone the same town, and have only ever been in the same place/time once - for our wedding. So it is definitely a boundary thing with MIL. I not sure if it is some faulty wiring somewhere, a choice, or both but she has absolutely no concept of anything outside of how it relates to her and her immediate needs/wants. Yes, by "space for them" I mean a physical bedroom at the front of the house. It is nearish the boys' room, but there is a hall and a bathroom in between. If we didn't have a room we could put them in they wouldn't be staying with us. (Ah, next year... when I can use the excuse of needing that room for baby). We've talked with her a few times, and it will help for about a day but that's about it. Honestly, if it was just MIL we'd be done with her forever, happily, but (for better or worse) FIL loves her and is very devoted to her. He knows how things stand (it is one of his chief regrets that he wasn't home more when DH was a kid to stop the emotional abuse that went on during the day) and has expressed, multiple times, over the last 5 years that if it comes to the point that we have to cut ties with MIL that he understands. However, just by the nature of the kind of guy he is it would also mean by and large cutting ties with him because even though he agrees with us he sees it as his duty to stand by his wife. And we don't want to cut ties with him. He is loving, kind, helpful, and really just a joy to be around - not to mention he is my DH's best friend. I do have no doubt that as soon as finds out that she called my mother for the reasons that she did that my mom will be getting a pretty bouquet and an apology letter. As much as MIL has complained in the last couple of days, FIL has apologized and done his best to distract MIL. She'll stop complaining, for the most part, in a week or so when she figures that she has gotten enough mileage out the situation. The longer I know my MIL the more I think on my DH's initial instructions on dealing with her - "Think of her like a half-grown lab puppy: imperfectly trained and in need of almost constant redirection and socialization." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 She called your mother! Are you freaking kidding me?! I would have already had dh call his parents to cancel the trip over something like that. Why does she have your mother's number? Dh needs to rake mil over the coals for doing that. Mil is definitely in the wrong, but so is your mother. She should not be accepting those kinds of phonecalls from mil and then complaining to you about it. She is fueling mil's drama by doing that. She needs to learn how to gracefully step out of the drama by refusing to accept the call, as in, "I'm sorry fellow mother-in-law, but that sounds like something you need to discuss with your son. I've got something boiling on the stove, gotta go." As a general rule, your dh needs to be handling his own mother. He can't do that if he's at work. I realize that they've already booked their plane tickets, but in the future I would make it clear that if dh can only take 1 week off of work then they can only stay for 1 week. I would not be trying to handle that level of crazy without dh as a constant presence and I sure wouldn't be up to handling it post-partum. Please tell me that this visit isn't being planned for immediately after the birth. Just wanted to clear up that my mom did bail on the phone call as soon as she realized the type of call it was. She apparently told MIL that it was extremely unrealistic to ask us to do that for them at this point in our lives and that if they couldn't afford the trip that they shouldn't take it. End of conversation, which apparently happened Sunday evening and my mom only mentioned it to me because I mentioned something about MIL when I was talking to my mom earlier today (about her being here in the immediate postpartum period to help out for a few days). In-laws are definitely not coming right after baby is born. Baby's due date is Thursday and they're not coming until July. Thank heavens. MIL and I have butted heads a few times over things in the past (extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, homeschooling) and I've definitely come out "on top" every time. I have no doubt that we'll go toe to toe more in the future. I'm also 100% sure that I can chew her up one side and down the other without issue. I can be nasty when I want/need to. I just wish I didn't have to be nasty - especially because my FIL is such a nice guy. How those two people ended up together is a mystery that I will never, ever be able to solve. They're what I think of whenever I hear "opposites attract". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Ok, so I'm nosy. What country is she from? Canada :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 She sounds awful! I'm so sorry you have to put up with her for two weeks AND for all the annoying phone conversation prior to her trip. What's wrong with 3 boys? I understand wanting a girl, but I think 3 boys would be fun in a lot of ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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