How do you handle relationships with neighbor kids

[Only me]

I know that I need to let my kids handle their problems but sometimes it breaks my heart. My dh has the attitude that if the neighbor kids aren't being nice that my kids shouldn't be friends with them. (who needs them). I can see his point and I don't want my kids changing to please these kids but I still feel bad for them. In high school my dd can just avoid the kids that she doesn't like. It really isn't an issue but it is harder to avoid the neighbor kids. If my kids want to play outside they have to run into these kids. Besides that there is nothing like hanging out with the neighbor kids playing until dark.

 

Our subdivision was new when we moved in so most of the families on our court moved in around the same time. At first it was great but then the kids started acting up. For some reason the oldest boy on the court who happens to be one year younger than my oldest dd doesn't like my kids. Being the oldest boy in his home is very important so at times we think that he is jealous because my dd is older. Regardless there are 7 kids in that family and they can be quite influential. For some reason his parents also don't like my oldest dd. Apparently they don't like the way she dresses. (their girls wear prairie dresses all the time). My dresses fairly modestly and the "worst" thing she wears is layered tank tops and shorts. She is very petite and has no real cleavage so that definitely isn't an issue. Most of the time dd wears shorts (not short short) and t-shirts just like the rest of the kids. I know she is my dd but she really has a sweet attitude and definitely doesn't have an attitude like many girls her age. So for the past few years this family has decided that they don't like my kids and it has rubbed off on the other kids on the block.

 

Another girl on our street (the same age as my middle dd) was very close to my girls until she decided that she liked the fact that the other family didn't like my girls and she started to gang up on them too. Ironically one day she would act like their best friend (spend the whole day at our house) and the next day completely ignore them and say mean things. She realized how much fun it was having more attention on her and also enjoyed having targets to bully.

 

After awhile they persuaded another family to act the same way. This family has two older children who were also friends with my kids but last fall they started treating them bad. Luckily this summer the oldest boy changed his mind and for the past two months has been very nice with my kids. This past week I even took him and his younger sister to the water park. I paid for admission and snacks. Overnight things changed again. One of the other girls had been on vacation. The minute she came back she persuaded his younger sister to be mean to my kids again (one day after she spent the day with us). The older boy was outside with my kids when his dad asked him for help inside. He helped his dad for awhile and was going to rejoin my kids. Then the neighbor girl came over and invited him over to her house. He walked right past my kids and didn't say a word.

 

This morning my kids are heartbroken. He was their only ally left. My dh says that it shouldn't bother them and definitely shouldn't bother me. They are old enough to handle things themselves. Of course they are old enough to handle things themselves but they aren't too old to be hurt by all of this. They don't want to be excluded the rest of the summer and have no one to hang out with. Of course they have other friends outside of the neighborhood but it isn't the same as hanging out with neighbor friends.

 

By the way, my girls have tried to talk to the other kids (especially the girls who used to be their close friends). The other girls would say how sorry they were for their behavior and then turn around the next day and act the same way. My girls really don't understand what they did wrong. I've read the book "Queen Bees" and now I understand some of the behavior but it doesn't help learning how to deal with it.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

There are very few children in my kid's age range in our neighborhood. Babies or teenagers....

 

We had a family move in across the street and my boys were so excited. They were a brother and his older sister. My kids were playing well with them for a few months and then another family moved in next door.

 

Well, the new family had a brother and older sister too. Once these girls got together, they did every thing they could think of to harass my kids. They would quiz them on social studies (ps knowledge, not typical classical ed stuff) and make fun of them, accuse my kids of being racists (they are black and hispanic, my kids are white). My kids came home and asked my what racism was (as well as what a "lesbi" was). They began to vandalize our cars and shed. They would leave trash in our lawn. I questioned one of the girls (10 yo) about some damage done to our property and she said "I only tell the spolice the truth and I will protect my friends like a friend should."

 

Nice.

 

So, I guess I'm in agreement with your husband. My kids don't need the influence of these children and they don't have to listen to them spew hate. At the end of the school year, one of the families moved a few miles away. The remaining children go and stay with them during the week. So, we have peace in our neighborhood, if not friends.

 

I've had to let go of my dream of neighborhood kids playing nicely together.

 

It sucks.

 

K

 

,

[Remudamom]

Oh bless their little hearts. That makes me angry for them. I'd want to run out and buy every expensive toy/ball pit/water slide I could get my hands on, and then not let the nasties in. I know, I know, but that's what I'd want to do. I wish you were close enough for me to drive over with the pony cart and only give your children rides.

 

I don't know what to tell you, having no near neighbors we have never had this problem.

[Plaid Dad]

Where are the parents in all this? There's certainly value in letting kids sort out their own problems, at least to a certain extent, but kids also need guidance.

 

We have some neighbors with two girls. My dd worships the older sister and has endless conflict with the younger one. Both families do a lot of coaching to help the girls recognize how their actions are affecting the others. Feelings still get hurt and we don't step in for every little thing, but these are still pretty young kids (5, 7, and 9) and they need adult modeling for how to negotiate, compromise, and when necessary, walk away. That's socialization!

 

Playing in neighborhood groups can be great, but as you're seeing there's a pack mentality that can come with it. If any of the kids' behavior falls into the category of outright bullying, I'd talk with the parents immediately. Borderline cases might call for you taking a child aside and gently letting her know that her behavior to your dc is hurtful. You'd need to have a sense of which kids will take this kind of intervention as it's intended and which will use it as further ammunition against your kids. Honestly, if that doesn't work and the other parents aren't willing to do their part to keep the peace, I'd say that your dh is probably right: these are not kids worth cultivating friendships with.

 

Yes, kids are by definition immature and can't be expected to have mastered all the ins and outs of social interaction with their peers, but in my experience, unless there is active parental guidance, peer interactions will get worse - much worse - before they get better. And we all know some people who are still playing these games well into adulthood.

[hmsch4me]

We've moved around quite a bit and the dynamics seem to be the same. One day the kids are best friends and the next enemies. It is hurtful to the kids and I really feel for them. I truly don't remember it being like this - to this extent - when I was a kid. I also don't know if this type of behavior is common in school, so not a big surprise to the parents.

 

I usually pull my kids from these types of situations. Based on the neighbors behavior I wouldn't want my kid learning how to perfect the art of blowing someone off and being two faced. What this means, however, is that I have to put in a lot more effort in meeting up with other families with kids to play with. It is effort, but so much more enjoyable. Something I also taught my kids was to not chase after a friend. If they were mean to you one day, just back off for a few days and see what happens. Usually the child that was mean called or came over to play again like nothing had ever happened.

 

Good luck with all this. I know how painful it can be to watch your kids go through this type of situation. Hang in there.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

We have mean kids in our neighborhood too. There are a couple girls that resent my dd being younger but in a higher grade then they are. So, they try to tease her and stuff. Then, there are girls who are jealous because dd has nice clothes, etc.

 

Dd is pretty good with comebacks and standing up for herself. One day, some of the kids down the street were really teasing her, and she said- "Either you are going to act more mature, or I'm going inside." Well, turns out they stopped when they realized dd could care less.

 

Another thing that helps is to distinguish between friends (who we tell our secrets to and share our favorite things) and playmates. Dd will play with just about anyone, but is really picky when it comes to friends.

 

If I had to wear prairie dresses every day in 2008, I would be pretty mean too. Sometimes it just helps to talk about why people might act the way they do. People aren't mean for no reason. Often, my dd feels sorry for the mean kids because she can see their situation. It just makes her more thankful for her own life.

[lori in tx]

Well we have had our share of bad neighbor experience and great ones, we had a great neighbor here when we first move in but he moved back home with his family in June(he was living with his grandma). About 2 years ago we lived in a different neighborhood a very nice neighborhood the kids behind us were really nice to my 2 boys(they had 2 boys) until one day their 14yo decided to use my 9yo as his bully victim. He punched my son in the shoulder and so my son comes in crying, after his parents get home (yep he was allowed to play and wonder around the neighborhood with no one home) they had the nerve to tell me, "You have no right to be upset your son is fine right now!" I told him I would be happy to rear end his car but you can't be upset because it still works (following his stupid logic). After that the got annoyed and so dh told him to keep his kids away from us or we would call the cops on his 14yo, we moved away about 4 months later.

 

My 9yo, who is now 11yo is very cautious around neighbor kids now. I do agree with you dh (sorry I know it is not what you are wanting). They don't understand their stupid "school" games and you know what it is annoying and just dumb. So I would keep them sheltered from it, because it is nothing but a game meant to hurt. As a victim of it in school and a player in it, I am so ashamed of it now. I would encourage my kids to play more with each other (I know how boring) buy some great new games or outside things, just remember those little brats will be back in school in less than a month and out of your hair. I will pray many hours a day of homework for them:lol: so they have no time to persuade each other to gang up on your kids

blessings

lori in tx who has been there

[Only me]

Quite honestly the parents don't care. For the most part I think they believe that "kids will be kids" but the one girl on our block who seems to have the most influence seems to have convinced the parents to believe that my kids are the problem.

 

I think part of the reason my dh thinks that it shouldn't bother my kids is the fact that they are older (10, 13 and 16). For the most part I guess I can see why my oldest shouldn't let the younger kids get to her. On the other hand, she really enjoys being outside. The younger kids (under 10) adore her and except for my other dd she is probably the only older kid who pays attention to the little ones. Of course it is good for my dd to spend time with kids her own age (and she does) but she also enjoys spending time with kids of all ages.

 

It would be hard for me to tell my dd to just give up on the neighbor friends. This may be one of her last summers that she has time to hang around. Most likely next summer she will have a job and the following year she will be off to college. Besides that I am thrilled that she is content to spend time with her siblings, ride around on her scooter and play games with the neighbor kids (if they could just be nice)

 

Of course these things bother my younger two also but my ds has more kids his age on the block. My 13 year old dd is also hurt by these things. Even though there are two other 13 year old girls on the street they pretty much ignore this dd. She doesn't care about clothes or boys so the one 13 year doesn't hang out with her and the other 13 year old comes from the large family that thinks that my girls are "worldly". Pretty ironic.

[Danestress]

I totally undertstand why this all upsets you. I hate to see my children suffer at all, and social rejection and pettiness is hard for them to deal with.

 

But it seems to me that you are a bit over-invested. There really is nothing you can do. People, even kids, are entitled to like who they like and dislike who they dislike, for whatever reason or no reason at all. Your children need to learn to deal with that. No, the neighbor kids shouldn't be mean or rude. They should still be polite to your children.

 

But you have posted for a long time about these same children and the same issues and why they don't like your daughter, and nothing has really changed. The parents are entitled to think that shorts are inappropriate on a girl. I disagree, you disagree, but that's what they believe.

 

So fine, let them.

 

It hurts and it's a shame and I wish it weren't so and you wish it weren't so, but it is what it is. None of the talking about it has changed things in all the months you've dealt with it, so I would tell my kids it's time to get an emotional divorce from their friends and figure out how to enjoy their time indoors or out with or without buddies. In other words, they need to learn how not to care so much, and I think you need to do the same. They need to cultivate an inward detachment. That means that they can play outside all the way, interact with the other children as it naturally happens, but not care about or work for their approval.

 

I know that's easier said than done, but I remember well the mean, pettiness that some children displayed, and I remember how it hurt. But my mother was the kind of mother who didn't really want to hear about it, and would just try to turn my focus elsewhere. Her solution to most emotional problems was to suggest that I lose myself in a book, and while that's probably not always the healthiest response, it does have it's merits. It's helped me more in life than all the hashing and rehashing of details of relationships could ever do.

[Rhondabee]

I can totally sympathize with OP, and must be married to her dh's long-lost cousin.

 

I have always known his way was probably "better" than mine, but it seemed more like a heart-hardening cowardice than healthy behavior. IOW, ignore the problem and hope it just goes away. (This is his strategy for other areas of life as well. And, it works most of the time. It's just been rather costly when it *hasn't* worked.)

 

I have always thought "a feigned attitude of not caring" equated with escapism, and an unwillingness to do something to solve the problem. So, I really appreciate you helping me see how this *can* be a healthy and even a brave thing - living a fulfilled life in the face of adversity. And, I'll (grudgingly) concided that not all problems *need* solutions.

 

:001_smile:

Rhonda

 

 

 

 

I totally undertstand why this all upsets you. I hate to see my children suffer at all, and social rejection and pettiness is hard for them to deal with.

 

But it seems to me that you are a bit over-invested. There really is nothing you can do. People, even kids, are entitled to like who they like and dislike who they dislike, for whatever reason or no reason at all. Your children need to learn to deal with that. No, the neighbor kids shouldn't be mean or rude. They should still be polite to your children.

 

But you have posted for a long time about these same children and the same issues and why they don't like your daughter, and nothing has really changed. The parents are entitled to think that shorts are inappropriate on a girl. I disagree, you disagree, but that's what they believe.

 

So fine, let them.

 

It hurts and it's a shame and I wish it weren't so and you wish it weren't so, but it is what it is. None of the talking about it has changed things in all the months you've dealt with it, so I would tell my kids it's time to get an emotional divorce from their friends and figure out how to enjoy their time indoors or out with or without buddies. In other words, they need to learn how not to care so much, and I think you need to do the same. They need to cultivate an inward detachment. That means that they can play outside all the way, interact with the other children as it naturally happens, but not care about or work for their approval.

 

I know that's easier said than done, but I remember well the mean, pettiness that some children displayed, and I remember how it hurt. But my mother was the kind of mother who didn't really want to hear about it, and would just try to turn my focus elsewhere. Her solution to most emotional problems was to suggest that I lose myself in a book, and while that's probably not always the healthiest response, it does have it's merits. It's helped me more in life than all the hashing and rehashing of details of relationships could ever do.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug: Sorry you are having to deal with that.

 

My dh thinks all the kids should play together all the time, it's summer. It was that way when we were kids.

 

But yes, I've seen that dynamic at work in my ds' small group of friends, only two other families. I think he's gotten the cold shoulder a few times this summer. It goes over his head, he's still innocent enough not to let it bother him, or even know it is happening. It irritates the snot out of me.

 

I think PlaidDad was right about kids needing coaching. We have always helped ds see how his actions affect others. but the parent has to know the behavior is there to help, sometimes I think the parents just aren't paying attention.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I know that I need to let my kids handle their problems but sometimes it breaks my heart. My dh has the attitude that if the neighbor kids aren't being nice that my kids shouldn't be friends with them. (who needs them).

 

Good Friends Are Hard to Find by Fred Frankel is an excellent guide to parenting your child's friendships. It also explains why a parent should step in and directly teach their kids how to handle various social situations.

 

Another worthwhile title is The Unwritten Rules of Friendship by Natalie Elman. This one helped me figure out the differences between socially successful kids and socially successful adults (because kid culture is unique).

 

If it's really important to you to let your kids handle this themselves, perhaps you could see if your library has Speak Up and Get Along. Our 11yo and our 8yo (then 9 and 6) both benefited from a thorough study of this illustrated guide to verbal self-defense for preteens.