Just need to vent

[Evergreen State Sue]

My dd is a 15 yr. old 10th grader, smart, but has ADHD. Today she decided she didn't want to take her medication "to see what would happen". I didn't realize this until too late in the day. Now she is paying for it. Tomorrow is the last day of two of her classes at co-op before the Christmas break, it's heading toward 11 p.m., and she still has about 3 hours of homework yet to finish. She just couldn't focus on what she needed to do today. No matter how much I try to advise her about making a schedule to make sure all of her homework gets done, she thinks she knows better.

 

I know there must be other moms out there with this issue. Just had to post here because, well, I want so much to help her, and at the same time I am so mad that she did this to herself, but she needs to suffer her consequences. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

[Ottakee]

It might be good for her to face the consequences of her choices. Often the natural consequences will speak louder than anything mom can say.

 

At least you know now that the meds are needed for her and really do make a difference.

[Plink]

Argh! I can see this exact scenario in my future. I hope you both got some sleep last night.

[geodob]

Though perhaps you could rather see this as a step toward becoming an adult, and being totally responsible for taking the medication?

Where she needs to have a reason for taking it.

But as she has probably been taking for some time, she probably has no idea of what effect and difference it makes?

So that her only reason for taking it, is that she has always taken it.

 

Maybe you could rather get along side her, and help her to explore and understand what happens when she doesn't take it?

In a supportive, rather than a critical way?

Where perhaps you could develop a plan with her, to do a study into 'what would happen'?

Which would be better to start, once the Christmas break has begun.

Though you could take a sort of scientific approach, where she keeps a daily diary, and records her activities and how she went with them?

Also do a comparative study, where the activities are done with or without the med?

 

So that at the end of your study with her, she will be able to come to her own conclusion, and really understand why she takes the medication.

 

Where this would address a major issue that occurs when a child suddenly becomes responsible for taking their medication?

Which often occurs when a child heads off to board at college.

So that it might rather been seen as an opportunity?

Where as a scientific study into 'what would happen'?

You need to have an unbiased position, and allow her to prove it to herself.

A proof that she will carry through life.

[PeterPan]

Oh my. When my dd doesn't take her vitamins (that have flax oil in them), we get something similar. But you know, I'd be pretty ruthless and not take her to the co-op. I assume you've already decided your plan, but that's what I'd do. That's nuts.

 

If she wants to feel what it's like off them, suggest she try it over Christmas break, when she has more flexibility and can work on alternate methods (caffeine, exercise, flax/fish oil, whatever).

 

Well I'm sighing with you! Don't let her issues ruin your day. She needs some autonomy to make a choice on how she feels, suffer the consequences, and have your life go on peacefully. If my dd is having a bad day because of xyz, I go do my own thing. Don't take her to co-op, don't get embroiled. Just go do all the things you'd LIKE to be doing now that you AREN'T doing because you work so hard on homeschooling. You can't take everything personally. Sometimes you just have to let them muddle. Go make your own day good, even if hers is bad.

[Evergreen State Sue]

It might be good for her to face the consequences of her choices. Often the natural consequences will speak louder than anything mom can say.

 

At least you know now that the meds are needed for her and really do make a difference.

 

 

You are so right about the natural consequences speaking louder than what I can say. This was not the first time. She has forgotten to take her meds and we knew the results. This was done on purpose, so she should have expected the same results.

[Evergreen State Sue]

Argh! I can see this exact scenario in my future. I hope you both got some sleep last night.

 

 

She was up until after 1 a.m. I went to sleep after midnight, then woke up at 4 a.m., then overslept and didn't wake up until 45 minutes before we had to leave. I woke her up. She slept through her 6:45 alarm intending to finish what she didn't get to. (sigh) I hope it goes better for you in the future.

[Evergreen State Sue]

Though perhaps you could rather see this as a step toward becoming an adult, and being totally responsible for taking the medication?

Where she needs to have a reason for taking it.

But as she has probably been taking for some time, she probably has no idea of what effect and difference it makes?

So that her only reason for taking it, is that she has always taken it.

 

Maybe you could rather get along side her, and help her to explore and understand what happens when she doesn't take it?

In a supportive, rather than a critical way?

Where perhaps you could develop a plan with her, to do a study into 'what would happen'?

Which would be better to start, once the Christmas break has begun.

Though you could take a sort of scientific approach, where she keeps a daily diary, and records her activities and how she went with them?

Also do a comparative study, where the activities are done with or without the med?

 

So that at the end of your study with her, she will be able to come to her own conclusion, and really understand why she takes the medication.

 

Where this would address a major issue that occurs when a child suddenly becomes responsible for taking their medication?

Which often occurs when a child heads off to board at college.

So that it might rather been seen as an opportunity?

Where as a scientific study into 'what would happen'?

You need to have an unbiased position, and allow her to prove it to herself.

A proof that she will carry through life.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response. You gave me much to think about here. She has forgotten to take her medication before with similar results, so in my mind she should have known that the outcome would be the same if she didn't take her medication on purpose. You are right that she needs to own the results and hopefully this will help her when she moves on after high school. I should point this out to her from a scientific standpoint - she loves science so that might be the key instead of pointing it out like a nagging mom!

[Evergreen State Sue]

Oh my. When my dd doesn't take her vitamins (that have flax oil in them), we get something similar. But you know, I'd be pretty ruthless and not take her to the co-op. I assume you've already decided your plan, but that's what I'd do. That's nuts.

 

If she wants to feel what it's like off them, suggest she try it over Christmas break, when she has more flexibility and can work on alternate methods (caffeine, exercise, flax/fish oil, whatever).

 

Well I'm sighing with you! Don't let her issues ruin your day. She needs some autonomy to make a choice on how she feels, suffer the consequences, and have your life go on peacefully. If my dd is having a bad day because of xyz, I go do my own thing. Don't take her to co-op, don't get embroiled. Just go do all the things you'd LIKE to be doing now that you AREN'T doing because you work so hard on homeschooling. You can't take everything personally. Sometimes you just have to let them muddle. Go make your own day good, even if hers is bad.

 

 

Unfortunately, not going to co-op would not be an option. Co-op is only once a week and this was the last week before the break. I'm finding as the kids are in high school, every class is important because the teacher will go over things they need for the following week or weeks in this case. It's not like when I went to public school and you could catch up quickly if you missed a day.

 

I do tend to take her actions personally, like it is a reflection of me as a mom or her homeschool teacher. I find it hard to separate myself that way. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll try to work on that. Thanks for responding and all the thoughts you shared here.

[Evergreen State Sue]

One more comment here . . . I couldn't figure out how to reply to all of you using the multiple quote. I clicked on it, but then didn't know how to get all the quotes I wanted. If anyone knows the exact steps, I'm all ears (or would that be eyes!)

[LaughingCat]

One more comment here . . . I couldn't figure out how to reply to all of you using the multiple quote. I clicked on it, but then didn't know how to get all the quotes I wanted. If anyone knows the exact steps, I'll all ears (or would that be eyes!)

 

 

To multiquote - click on the multiquote button on each post that you want to quote. A little sidebar will tell you how many posts you have selected - click on that when you are ready to post. The quotes will show up in the reply box in the order you clicked on them.

[Evergreen State Sue]

To multiquote - click on the multiquote button on each post that you want to quote. A little sidebar will tell you how many posts you have selected - click on that when you are ready to post. The quotes will show up in the reply box in the order you clicked on them.

 

 

Thanks, Laughing Cat. I'll try to remember that next time.

[PeterPan]

nm

[Evergreen State Sue]

Still wouldn't have taken her. She can't learn to live with herself if she never has the consequences. She would have had to eat humble pie and write her teacher her and tell her what she did and figure out how to make it up herself.

 

You want her to fail and work through consequences NOW, not later.

 

We've done co-op, and I've evaluated transcripts for a university. I just don't think the grades or the class are as important as the process of owning it and making decisions and sorting through your life. I only have 1 criterion for my dd, and that's that she learn to do something WELL. I've told her I don't care what that thing is. Might be cake decorating and have nothing to do with school. I don't see how a dc can sort through how they want to live life and want they want to do if the only option is to take meds and chug through school work a certain way. Maybe she wants a less academic life that can be lived with no meds and some really alternative track. Sorry, I'm totally reading into it. I've just watched people on meds, and not all of them like how they feel. Somewhere in that whole issue of meds, no meds, dumping the meds when you don't enforce, etc. is the whole issue that she's a budding adult and has to have a type of life she wants to live.

 

Whatever, none of my business.

 

Thanks for voicing your opinion. I wouldn't say it was none of your business . . . I did open up this can of worms. I realize it is hard to respond to a post when you don't know the family personally or the full situation. I don't know your background with ADHD, nor do you know the journey my family has been on.

 

I did not bail my dd out. Her consequence was staying up to complete the work the best she could. She made that decision on her own. She made that decision knowing I wasn't going to stay up with her to help her. She owned her decision by going to her classes, facing her teachers, and submitting her work knowing the quality of work she had done. If the quality of her work earned her a failing grade, then so be it. I think by not going to her classes, claiming she was sick or turning assignments in late would have been more of a cop out. I would like her to learn responsibility and commitment. I think I mentioned in my original post that she is smart. She has a goal she would like to achieve that does require an academic life. I will not defend meds or no meds because we have experience with both options with more than this one dd. There is not a one size fits all with ADHD.

 

I am interested in your comment on your experience with a co-op and evaluating transcripts for a university. Could you explain what you mean? When you evaluated transcripts, did you not give credit or value to a co-op class. You followed up your comment by talking about owning it, making decisions, sorting through your life, and doing something well. I was wondering how that related.

 

Thanks.

[Guest]

I did not bail my dd out. Her consequence was staying up to complete the work the best she could. She made that decision on her own. She made that decision knowing I wasn't going to stay up with her to help her. She owned her decision by going to her classes, facing her teachers, and submitting her work knowing the quality of work she had done. If the quality of her work earned her a failing grade, then so be it. I think by not going to her classes, claiming she was sick or turning assignments in late would have been more of a cop out. I would like her to learn responsibility and commitment. I think I mentioned in my original post that she is smart. She has a goal she would like to achieve that does require an academic life. I will not defend meds or no meds because we have experience with both options with more than this one dd. There is not a one size fits all with ADHD.

 

 

:grouphug: I did not reply sooner because I don't have personal experience but I feel you handled it the way I would. Also, I think your daughter handled it very maturely. Who knows what goes on in a child's mind! I can see her wanting to be free of meds and trying it out to see if this is possible. Poor kid :( ! Her reaction after the fact showed, not just a smart kid, but also a responsible one. Good job mom :) ! We all make mistakes. If we as parents cannot cut some slack to our own kids who are now testing and experimenting with the world and what they can or cannot do, then I am not sure how we can expect the world to be accepting of them and their needs.

[bluedarling]

Hugs. Right there with you. This was a rough week with dd11 who apparently a few weeks ago decided to stop taking her supplements. She gets very depressed, unable to think, without her supplements. We got her back on them, and things got scarily worse (I started to panic). Fortunately, the supplements seemed to have finally kicked in today, and she is doing much better. I suppose I should be thankful for the confirmed need for "medication", but it wasn't a pleasant ordeal. At the start I thought it was curriculum issues (and maybe it contributes) but the real issue was actually mental health/adhd. Anyway, she's more than a week behind in her schoolwork, now...she accomplished nothing this past week, and very little the week before. :( She just couldn't focus. She'll have to make it up over Christmas break, and unfortunately, since a lot of work is with me, that means I have to school over Christmas break...and that makes me a little resentful. But...I can't just let it go, either, because that would reward the skipping schoolwork. Anyway, just saying you are not alone in this struggle! :)

[Heathermomster]

DS struggles with EF issues himself, and it is indeed frustrating. So how was her day?

[Evergreen State Sue]

Marie, Bluedarling, Heather, and others,

 

Thank you for the hugs and support. Our day went better than expected. With the help of all the thoughtful comments here I was able to have a terrific conversation with my dd to let her know how responsible I thought she was for staying up late and working on her homework. I talked to her about seeing this as a science experiment and we were able to talk openly about what she felt and what that might mean for her in the future given the career goals she has now. There was love and laughter in our conversation. I really felt a closer bond with my dd after our talk. Thank you all for helping me through this and giving me ideas on how to approach this. My heart goes out to the other moms who deal with similar issues. I hope I can be of help to you in the future. This board has been a blessing to me. Thank you so much!

[zookeeperof3]

Evergreen State Sue,

I think you did the right thing. I had this exact situation happen a few weeks ago with my 14 yr old ( AHDH w/ anxiety). He also chose to not take his meds the day before co-op. He had to stay up late, do his co-op work,get up early to finish it, then apologize to his teachers for it not being up to standard. It was very humbling for him. He is also very smart and has high academic standards and hopes for the future. He knows he has to do good work now,to have a chance at his dream in a few years.

 

It can be so hard to know what is the right thing to say or do with any child especially when you are homeschooling. Especially wtih teenagers!!

 

Hugs

 

All the best,

Kim

[AMJ]

I will not defend meds or no meds because we have experience with both options with more than this one dd. There is not a one size fits all with ADHD.

 

 

I am relieved to hear someone who has experienced both meds and non-meds state that. I have a 11ya DD who was recently diagnosed ADD (primarily inattentive, strongly so -- incapable of sustaining focus unless her imagination is actively engaged), with dysgraphia. She also has many allergies (none food, but lots of environmental), had vision function problems in her past and some moderate sensory integration issues, and a HIGHLY active imagination (the doctor called her "internally distractable"). She's brilliant, and has a hard time showing it. The doctor who tested her stated that trying meds on our DD would very likely backfire and cause more problems than it would fix, and so it is counter-indicated at this time.

 

In the meantime, after our DD was dianosed ADD my SIL had my nephew tested (he has a few similar problems, and more that are different). He was diagnosed ADHD and put on meds, which have done a world of good for him. He says he can hear people now, whereas before he heard EVERYTHING and couldn't filter anyone out. His concentration is better, too.

 

Now, because of his success with meds, my MIL is on a campaign to change my mind and get my DD medicated. Why? Because we have decided that this is our last year in classroom schools (private -- we gave up on public years ago because they couldn't work with DD), as it simply isn't working for us. We are going to homeschool, following a classical plan. My MIL's folks were both teachers, and she thinks that homeschooling is a horrible thing to do to a kid (though her arguments are mostly from a socialization standpoint and not an educational one, probably because both DH and I are quite smart, literate, and detail-oriented and fully capable of pulling off homeschooling).

 

What really burns me up is she only chooses to raise her "concerns" (attempts to badger me into changing my mind) when I'm tired, stressed out (usually over my aging Dad), and my defenses are low. She doesn't take it up with my DH (her son), who she knows won't budge either. Well, I showed her. This last time she did this I told her in no uncertain terms (but a respectful and sincere tone) that I really do want to hear her concerns because they pinpoint specifics that we can work to address and make sure we are doing a good and thorough job on the homeschooling, and not overlooking anything. So there -- keep talking to me, because even though you won't dissuade me your points can still help.

 

I really do love her and respect her input and opinions. When she isn't being closed-minded about something, as she is here. She rarely is (closed-minded), but she's stubbornly so on this.

 

Thanks. Guess I needed to vent a bit, too.