How do you stop the bickering?

[m0mmaBuck]

The kids butt heads constantly. They are currently in there rooms under maternal mandate. It is the 2nd "rooming" today. Earlier it was because she told him (jokingly, but he doesn't "get" sarcasm) that since he likes the Seahawks he has to dye his hair green so he hit her. I sent them both to their rooms (her for picking on him and him for hitting). This time I turned my back long for long enough to pick up a book and put in on the "return to the library" pile... and she stole "his" orange crayon (two piles in the center of the table) and he resorted to screaming at her rather than using words to ask for the crayon back. Then, when I told her to give the pencil back he turned on me and started yelling that I always take her side. :glare: I told him he needed to stop talking until he could get himself under control but he couldn't stop himself so I sent him away. And she is in her room for stealing the crayon from his pile.

 

So... This is my life. Yes, the younger one antagonizes the older. Yes, the older one overreacts to every little thing which is why the younger one does many of the things she does. So.... What do I do to stop this? It makes me not want to be here.

[happyhomemaker]

No advice, but :grouphug:

Mine are 10 and 7, and that sounds like a typical incident in my house. Neither of them can let anything go. I think they need more time apart, and I have been doing my best to keep them away from each other as much as possible, but there's only so much you can do, you know?

 

:bigear: for suggestions.

[kewb]

You can try forcing them to hold hands. If one goes to the bathroom the other has to sit outside the door. Anything they are doing, they have to hold hands and figure out how to get it done. I have also sent mine outside-rain or shine. If it was important enough to argue about then take it outside because I don't want to hear it.

[itsheresomewhere]

Duct tape. LOL

 

 

When the bickering is beyond normal brother/sister thing in our house, I have lots of chores for the kids. No one want the dreaded grout cleaning task. After a few times, as soon as it is mentioned the bickering calms down. I do make sure that when they are getting on each others nerves, they have alone time.

[PiCO]

So... This is my life. Yes, the younger one antagonizes the older. Yes, the older one overreacts to every little thing which is why the younger one does many of the things she does. So.... What do I do to stop this? It makes me not want to be here.

 

It stops when the older one moves out. Everything else is a temporary measire.

 

And my dds genuinely love each other, they really didn't understand why their constant bickering drove me so crazy.

[Mandylubug]

when it gets out of hand here, we start handing out chores... I do a little variation of "love and logic" technique.... it typically goes like:

 

KIDS BICKERING

me: awe, bummer, I can't concentrate for all the fighting, do we need to do some chores to keep ourselves busy?

 

 

Typically that nips it BUT the days that is extreme, I hand out chores they typically don't do. I expect them to do their daily chores, regardless and they aren't "punished" with normal chores... Punishment chores would include picking trash out of the yard, washing baseboards, windexing windows, sorting socks, sweeping the sidewalk... you know the ones that no one truly wants to do, lol

 

if that still doesn't nip the issue, I start taking away their tv/electronic priviledges for the day.

[TammyS]

Put them together in the smallest, least comfortable room in the house (laundry room, pantry, something like that) and tell them they may not come out until they have a solution to the problem. Then they have to convince you that they REALLY have a solution or they go back. Wash, rinse, repeat. They will, eventually, get tired of each other in that very uncomfortable space.

 

Also, I believe that kids in all circumstances behave best when they are a little tired. Give them some hard, physical labor to do first thing before things get out of hand.

 

If you have talkers (I have one that will suck the oxygen right out of the room) put them on silence for a while (how long depends on the circumstances, maybe an hour, or half a day). Just absolutely no talking and see how they like that.

[CalicoKat]

Bring both kids together and arbitrate.

 

Mom: "Kid 1 has something to tell you. While Kid 1 is talking please hold your comments and responses until he/she's finished"

 

Kid 1 Shares his story without interruptions Please encourage Kid 1 to share how this made him/her feel too and to make eye contact during the conversation.

 

Mom: Kid 2, do you have something you'd like to say in response? Kid 1, kid 2 has something to tell you. While Kid 2 is talking please hold your comments and responses until he/she's finished.

 

Kid 2: Shares their story in the same way.

 

Go back and forth like this until they've resolved their injustices with their siblings. Everyone shakes hands (usually they end up giving each other a hug and a smile). Issue is over.

 

If they bring it back up again, start over. Pretty soon you'll start to see them do this all on their own. Doing this helped learn no to "take sides" and it reinforced that indeed there are "two sides to every story" and that "it takes two to fight." When there's an argument no one is completely innocent--at least at my house. :D

 

It's cumbersome at first because it takes time. But time-outs have a way of calming everyone down--including mom.

[MrsH]

:grouphug: Mine do this too and it drives me bonkers... We're in a huge sibling conflict stage right now, so I have lots of ideas but no answers!

 

I agree with everyone's posts! Seems like for us, different things work at different times. I TRY really hard to do like CalicoCat (after they've had a few minutes to cool down), getting the kids sitting together with me on the floor or something (little circle) and to take turns expressing themselves. Occasionally I model a little when they're real stuck, like "hm... it seems like the problem that we need to find an answer to is ..." and then it usually helps them agree on a solution to that intermediate problem, allowing them to then resolve their bigger issue afterward.

 

Sometimes they won't cooperate (not listening, rolling eyes, not speaking...). I like the idea of cleaning up dinner every night until they can do it without arguing/fighting/etc. We'd probably need to do something in the afternoon though, because ds gets so tired by dinner time, but I like the idea.

 

When they've refused to apologize, I had them sit and hold hands. Usually that breaks through the wall enough that one of them can say what they're sorry for, at which point the other follows suit.

 

A friend of mine suggested that we schedule them for a playdate together. That cuts into their own afternoon times, during which they like to see friends or otherwise relax, so it involves a bit of a loss of privilege. Then she has them play together. I envision a game or something, though could also see them building a fort or something.

 

I do make sure they get time and activities separately, but also think that their sibling relationship is more important than friends. If they act bratty at home, I don't let them go play at someone else's!

[Amy in NH]

Bring both kids together and arbitrate.

 

Mom: "Kid 1 has something to tell you. While Kid 1 is talking please hold your comments and responses until he/she's finished"

 

Kid 1 Shares his story without interruptions Please encourage Kid 1 to share how this made him/her feel too and to make eye contact during the conversation.

 

Mom: Kid 2, do you have something you'd like to say in response? Kid 1, kid 2 has something to tell you. While Kid 2 is talking please hold your comments and responses until he/she's finished.

 

Kid 2: Shares their story in the same way.

 

Go back and forth like this until they've resolved their injustices with their siblings. Everyone shakes hands (usually they end up giving each other a hug and a smile). Issue is over.

 

If they bring it back up again, start over. Pretty soon you'll start to see them do this all on their own. Doing this helped learn no to "take sides" and it reinforced that indeed there are "two sides to every story" and that "it takes two to fight." When there's an argument no one is completely innocent--at least at my house. :D

 

It's cumbersome at first because it takes time. But time-outs have a way of calming everyone down--including mom.

 

:iagree: This is what I have done, and my kids rarely bicker. We also have the following rules:

 

No calling names or tell someone what they are. ie "You are a smelly pickle"

Keep your body to yourself. ie hitting, pushing, etc.

Don't take things that aren't yours without getting permission.

Treat your sibling the way you want to be treated.

 

I make sure to vocalize the appropriate rule(s) at the end of the arbitration session.

 

Also, most of the toys and supplies in the house are common property. Each child has only a few items they call their own.

We made each child a treasure chest in which to keep their special items.

[AK_Mom4]

We had some of this dynamic going on between DD11 and DS16. DS has some stuff going on, so his tolerance level for his sister's picking was very low.

 

I decided to deal with the easier one first. I came down like a ton of bricks on the younger child. Everytime she pushed his buttons, said something unkind, took his K'Nex pieces instead of using her own - she was sent immediately to the corner and not allowed out until she apologized. It only took a couple of days to get her turned around (I did say she was the easier one!)

 

Once I had her reined in, I could work with my older DS. Most of his frustration was his percieved view that I was "taking her side" and not protecting him. Every time he would go off the handle, I would remind him that "I had it covered". And I did. And once he had some relief and some confidence that I would keep her in line, he was able to control himself better.

 

They still bicker a bit when they get tired of each other, but it really doesn't have much bite to it.

[KidsHappen]

My children are a little older so I can leave them home alone for a few moments. I live equal distance from Starbucks and the liquor store. I get in the car and drive to whichever one is most appropriate for the time of day. Then I lock myself in my room and ignore them. :tongue_smilie:

[GSOchristie]

I, too, hand out chores. You can't play together nicely? Fantastic, I'll dump all the Playmobil and you can sort it into the correct bins. Or how about wiping off all the baseboards with a damp cloth? Or sorting the laundry into darks or lights? Or going upstairs to get the laundry and bring it to the laundry room? Wipe off window sills, pick up all the yard toys, wipe the mud from outside toys? I have a very long list of little chores that I don't want to do, are not pressing enough that they have to be done at any certain time, and they can do independently.

 

I like the idea of holding hands, that would drive my 5 year old nuts :lol:.

[GSOchristie]

My children are a little older so I can leave them home alone for a few moments. I live equal distance from Starbucks and the liquor store. I get in the car and drive to whichever one is most appropriate for the time of day. Then I lock myself in my room and ignore them. :tongue_smilie:

:lol:

[m0mmaBuck]

Thank you all for the suggestions!