Are any of your children afraid...

[TheApprentice]

of their upcoming future? Things that come to mind: college, leaving home, independence, not being a "kid" anymore?, working, driving, etc. I think mine is feeling a bit overwhelmed thinking through it all and it's coming out looking like no motivation. But I think he has motivation, he's just a scared of what "growing up" means. Do any of your children feel this way? If so, how are you helping them cope?

[jelbe5]

Yes. I recently became aware of this with my oldest dd who has been fearless until recently. She is taking a class at the local CC (this is her second class, she took one this summer). She is doing well and is gaining confidence. We also just recently began short term counseling for her. She is very introverted and we felt some social skills training would be helpful to her. We also continue to reassure her she does not have to leave home at 18. Right now I see her transitioning gradually, and that is fine. The confidence and maturity will come.

Edited October 1, 2012 by jelbe5

[Nan in Mass]

All of mine felt this way. And yes, it made them reluctant to do some of the things they needed to do.

Nan

[usetoschool]

I think all of my kids did, but we just sort of push ahead anyway and the more you do that the more you discover it is worse in your head than in reality. It has been a cause of procrastination over the years at our house.

 

This book helped one of my daughters: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

[funathome]

I remember as a child feeling like I NEVER wanted to leave home. Afraid of the BIG world, what would I do, what job, friends? How would I survive? But as I grew and matured, I realized God gave me the grace to get thru what I needed, develop and grow.

My oldest DD did just fine and is a freshman at Va Tech. :auto:

My second child (DS) is experiencing what you mentioned and what I said above. I am praying that over time I will see him grow and mature. In doing so, will be able to leave the proverbial nest when ready. In the mean time, I am encouraging him and being there for him. :)

I keep telling myself not to worry. :chillpill: (Some times kids pick up on that)

Parenting isn't easy! :lol:

Amy :):)

[regentrude]

My DD is the opposite, she can't wait to be able to move out on her own.

If I had a reluctant child, I think I would start by giving him more opportunities to practice independence. Things like:

letting them stay home by themselves and take care of themselves for a few days;

encouraging independent travel to activities and maybe trips ( when I grew up, back home, we did our first overnight trips without parents at age 14, by bike).

involving them in "adult" chores like home maintenance, financial planning, finding a doctor...

 

Basically, have them practice acting like adults while they are still safely at home. I think part of the anxiety may be that he is not sure what is going to happen; all the things he encounters before will not be scary anymore. So, I'd make sure he encounters as many of the things that might come up in his independent life as he possibly can while still at home.

 

If he is anxious about college, I would get him to take a college class to become familiar with environment and demands; it does wonders for my DD.

[EKS]

Mine are uneasy about the future, but not in the way you're meaning here. They are both well aware of the upcoming energy crisis and see that as an issue of overriding importance to their generation.

[Pegasus]

Yep, I have a real "Peter Pan" on my hands. I joke that DH and I have to get behind her and push every step of the way towards independence. A few early clues for what we were in for:

 

1. As a toddler/pre-schooler, when other kids her age were insisting on picking out their own clothes and dressing themselves, DD would sit quietly on the edge of her bed waiting for a parent to come in and dress her.

 

2. A few months before her 10th birthday, DD burst into tears and exclaimed that 9 was the perfect age and she didn't want to get any older.

 

Now she is almost 16 and is fighting learning to drive and grimaces whenever I start talking about her finding a paying job.

 

Our overall plan includes babysteps and pushing/forcing. She already volunteers and if we can find a paying job, she will have to do that. It won't be optional. She is taking one course at the CC next semester. Again, that isn't her choice, it is us pushing. Next year, it will be 2 courses at the CC per semester. She has already made it clear that she does NOT want to move somewhere else to go to college. That is ok because we have our state flagship university within commuting distance. I've reassured her that we are not tossing her out at 18. She can stay at home and go to college.

 

So, I guess it is a combination of pushing/forcing and reassurance.

[bugs]

My daughter is very excited about growing up (told pretty much all our friends and family when she started menstruating :tongue_smilie:) and moving on. My son, not so much. Though I don't think he is fearful he is reluctant; he still enjoys his legos, playing nerf wars and other outside games with the kids in the 'hood. Did I mention he's in 9th grade? :lol: If he were fearful I'd let him know that he wasn't required to leave as soon as he graduated. He could stay as long as he was doing his "share"(finances, etc.) and was pleasant to be around.

Edited October 1, 2012 by bugs

[dirty ethel rackham]

This was my son. I couldn't understand why he was behaving in a passive-aggressive manner. It took a while to figure out that he was afraid of growing up and having to be responsible for himself. It manifested itself in things like dragging his feet on contacting colleges for visits, filling out paperwork for taking classes at the local LAC. I think I made it worse by having him read a couple of books on getting ready for college when he was just entering high school. I thought it would motivate him and it did the exact opposite.

 

How did we handle it? I assured him that I was willing to keep steering the ship for a bit longer as I helped him acquire the skills to be able to handle life on his own. I made him promise to speak up if he was not comfortable or happy with the direction we were going. I reassured him that there was time and that he would do a bit of growing and maturing before he was required to take on adult responsibilities. In areas where I knew time was of the essence, I took the bull by the horns and did it for him. I scheduled the college visits and took the initiative to make that happen. By the 3rd college visit, he started to feel like he could possibly leave home in a couple years. In our college search for him, I knew he was the kind of kid who might need a slower untying of the apron strings rather than cutting them abruptly. That is why we had him take college classes while still in high school, why we chose a smaller school within 3 hours of home, why we made sure that his college choice would nurture him rather than require him to put on a competitive personality in order to get any attention. He has been away at school for 6 weeks and it having a great time and is adjusting well.

[BibleBeltCatholicMom]

My 13 year old has NO fear of growing up and moving out. She can't wait; in fact, she often asks the legal age for marrying and having her own family. Of course, we told her the truth . . . it isn't by age but by number of PhDs.

 

Having said that, she IS still afraid of The UnderTheBeds. Oh, a couple of years ago, I asked her how she can move out and be the Mom if she's still afraid of The UnderTheBeds and she said, "You don't think I'm taking them with me, do you???"

[TheApprentice]

This was my son. I couldn't understand why he was behaving in a passive-aggressive manner. It took a while to figure out that he was afraid of growing up and having to be responsible for himself. It manifested itself in things like dragging his feet on contacting colleges for visits, filling out paperwork for taking classes at the local LAC. I think I made it worse by having him read a couple of books on getting ready for college when he was just entering high school. I thought it would motivate him and it did the exact opposite.

 

How did we handle it? I assured him that I was willing to keep steering the ship for a bit longer as I helped him acquire the skills to be able to handle life on his own. I made him promise to speak up if he was not comfortable or happy with the direction we were going. I reassured him that there was time and that he would do a bit of growing and maturing before he was required to take on adult responsibilities. In areas where I knew time was of the essence, I took the bull by the horns and did it for him. I scheduled the college visits and took the initiative to make that happen. By the 3rd college visit, he started to feel like he could possibly leave home in a couple years. In our college search for him, I knew he was the kind of kid who might need a slower untying of the apron strings rather than cutting them abruptly. That is why we had him take college classes while still in high school, why we chose a smaller school within 3 hours of home, why we made sure that his college choice would nurture him rather than require him to put on a competitive personality in order to get any attention. He has been away at school for 6 weeks and it having a great time and is adjusting well.

 

:iagree: But what is so interesting, this is (apparently on the surface) my most independent son.:001_huh: But I guess it's easy to be independent when you do have to be. At a local Community College, they are have some career days, so I asked if he wanted to go and he stated that it was too early to be thinking about that (he's in 9th). If I take him, he will go without much resistance, but I am definitely needing to take it slow with him. Some gentle handling is still needed.

[KAR120C]

My 13 year old has NO fear of growing up and moving out. She can't wait; in fact, she often asks the legal age for marrying and having her own family. Of course, we told her the truth . . . it isn't by age but by number of PhDs.

 

Having said that, she IS still afraid of The UnderTheBeds. Oh, a couple of years ago, I asked her how she can move out and be the Mom if she's still afraid of The UnderTheBeds and she said, "You don't think I'm taking them with me, do you???"

:lol:

[Nan in Mass]

This is what we did - encourage independent travel (backpacking or sailing after 14 with no adults at all, other travel with no family for extended periods) and try to make them competent teenagers who knew how to do things like deal with the woodstove, build things, deal with a boat, cook a meal, deal with laundry (including laundromat), etc. We also did community college classes. That helped enormously. We tried to make being adult look like fun.

 

Nan

[elegantlion]

We tried to make being adult look like fun.

 

Nan

 

What a timely thread, thank you all.

 

I think my ds will have some fear. We've had a horrible last couple of years as a family, and currently being an adult just looks stressful to him, I'm sure. He has some big goals, but I think he'd be very happy living at home for the rest of his life. He will require a little push. Dh is having a hard time realizing he's growing up so quickly. I think he's afraid to give him more independence because he (dh) was such a troublemaker as a kid. Ds isn't begging for the independence either.

 

Nan, as usual, you're right. I need to give him some responsibilities that show being an adult is fun.

[Nan in Mass]

You know, now that I think about it, we also probably removed a large fear by saying they were welcome to live at home as adults, that we had done it for awhile, and that their grandparents had also. We would add, casually, that we had all paid house money. They've always known that everyone has to work, that being a student is a child's work, and that whether you needed the money or not, you needed a job (or jobs) for the good of your soul. Job does not mean paying job in our family (obviously grin with me at home). We've also always gladly explained how to do something if asked. The end result is a 25yo son who calls to ask things like how to sew a pile lining into his jeans and how to switch the insurance on his truck to seasonal. We model this by calling our own parents at the the drop of a hat to ask how to do things. With plenty of people to explain how to do things and no reason why one has to live away from home (except for college) unless one wants to, that just leaves grownup things like finishing one's education and getting a job and learning to drive to deal with, something that looks much more managable. When the time comes and they are driving comfortably and they begin to have plans for supporting themselves, then having their own place looks much more appealing and they begin dreaming about a little cabin on a lake with good fishing or a high up apartment with a view of a bustling port and lots of coffee shops and museums down below.

 

Mine began by being truly stressed by this when they turned 13. At that point, we tried to make sure they had plans for aquiring a few money-making skills. They didn't have to actually aquire them and work at them before 18. They just had to have plans for aquiring them before they were 18. These tended to be boy-friendly things like life-guarding or getting a diving license, things that they didn't have to be 18 to do but that adults did.

 

Gradual and fun seemed to do the trick here.

 

Nan

Edited October 2, 2012 by Nan in Mass

[Miss Marple]

Not afraid, but perhaps apprehensive. Apprehensive because they don't know what is ahead for them, whether they will disappoint us or not, whether the decisions they make today will be the right ones for a year from now, 2 years from now...

 

It's normal (at least around here). They are still young and we are asking them to make life changing decisions. They still need our guidance with that. Discussion, confirmation, lots of love and acceptance, a bit of nagging (as deadlines loom), help with research and writing...these are all part of the journey into adulthood. And letting them know this is all normal makes them feel more secure :)

[Deb in NZ]

This is what we did - encourage independent travel (backpacking or sailing after 14 with no adults at all, other travel with no family for extended periods) and try to make them competent teenagers who knew how to do things like deal with the woodstove, build things, deal with a boat, cook a meal, deal with laundry (including laundromat), etc. We also did community college classes. That helped enormously. We tried to make being adult look like fun.

 

Nan

 

We've done that as well & for the most part it's worked out for us. Ds#1 is our Peter Pan (I even gave him the dvd for his 18th b-day :D ) We've needed to make growing up a non-negotiable reality for him. Adding in adult responsibilities gradually from age 13 (but no adult privlidges until 16-18) has been key for all our dc. Scouts, rep. sports, part-time jobs, volunteering, etc. all played a part in the journey to adulthood. This journey continues until their 21st b-day in our family.

 

All our dc know that they are welcome to live at home for as long as they need / want. After age 16 we do require that they be working towards some specific career goal. For dd that was polytech at 16 continuing on to uni. For ds#1 this meant polytech at 16 leading to an apprenticeship. Ds#2 is still drafting his path for those years. Dh & I have made it quite clear that we would not support them if they chose not to apply themselves to aquiring the skills / experiences necessary to become a self-supporting adult. We see too many of our neighbours working long hours to support teenagers (age 16+ & not in school) who "don't know what they want to do when they grow up." These teens work a few hours a week at the local grocery store to make enough $ to get drunk.

 

JMHO,

Edited October 2, 2012 by Deb in NZ

[Starr]

All of mine felt this way. And yes, it made them reluctant to do some of the things they needed to do.

Nan

 

:iagree: