Tracy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 My MIL was diagnosed last month with stage 4 cancer. She is 80yo and does not want to seek treatment. The doctor said she had a year or more, but she has declined substantially in only one month to the point of needing round-the-clock care. My dh has both medical and financial powers of attorney, so he is going to be responsible for everything. I don't deal with surprises well, so am trying to brace myself for the inevitable, particularly with regard to schooling. Is there anything that you can suggest that I do now to prepare? I have started to try to identify what we can let go in our home school. I think we could actually completely take off school, and we would be okay academically, but my kids do not do well if they don't have some sort of structure. I would love to hear any BTDT experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Went through this in February. We continued with school. MIL died on Sunday Evening and we schooled the whole next week, not telling the girls until that Friday. Her service was Saturday and we took that next week off. My oldest has some anxiety issues, so we just kept it as low key as possible. In hind sight, I"m not sure that taking a week off was a good idea. I probably should have done school lite for them, but honestly, *I* needed the break. Our 2 girls are the only grandchildren. You cannot imagine the broken hearts when I had to escort 2 little girls who were sobbing, from the memorial service. 7 & 10 yrs old. Some of my friends told me later that it was heart wrenching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracy Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 I hadn't even considered not telling them until the funeral service. That is something to think about. On one hand, my dd7 can be very sensitive, but on the other hand, she needs time to process things. I was 9yo when my grandfather died, and I was just expected to deal with it on my own. No one talked to me or let me stay home from school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 My son (5yo at the time) would never have forgiven me if I hadn't told him when his grandmother died. I'd also consider the possibility, in the situation described above, that 24hrs wasn't enough time for the children to process (as best children can) grandmother's death and thus the sobbing. In my experience, keeping it low key and keeping it hidden are two very different things. I'm sorry for the loss your family is experiencing. Gentle hugs..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 My kids lots a grandparent last year. One of mine can be a bit anxious. It never occurred to me not to keep them gently informed through the whole thing and in fact I was advised to keep them in the know in a gentle way. Their grandfather was sick for a long time. He was on hospice for nearly a full year, which is very unusual. If your mil is able to go on hospice, that can often be the best care and can improve someone's quality of life for the time they have left a great deal. I had the benefit of excellent advice because my mother is, through her work, friends with several children's grief counselors. The thing we did which I highly recommend doing was to make a memory book while he was still alive. I put pictures together and words from the kids and their grandfather about each other then had copies printed for each child as well as for the grandfather. This has been a special keepsake that my kids still take out and read. It was also very useful for the funeral, where it was the kids' "job" to hold their books and share them if anyone asked. For when he died, we had several picture books on hand, but the one we really liked was Badger's Parting Gifts. The kids were very involved in the funeral. They spread ashes, they sat up front... I think all these things helped them. It was a trying time - both in the time when he was really going downhill and in the weeks around the funeral. The grief counselors pointed out to me that it was really important to say some things that, as adults, seem extremely obvious, but which are really important to say to young kids, such as that it's not their fault. When I did say this to ds (who was 6 yo at the time) he burst out crying that it was, then suddenly stopped, as if realizing how silly that was and said, no, he knew that. It was really surprising to me, but apparently he really needed to hear that. Also, to explain to the kids that you, dh, other close relatives, etc. are all healthy and fine and that you can't promise that you won't get a disease ever (for young children, using the term "disease" can help distinguish something like cancer from something like a cold and make getting "sick" more stressful than need be), but that if you did there would be a plan, and to share what that plan is. Overall, my kids were great with the big stuff and acted very mature, but let out a lot of extra weirdness and minor misbehavior in other ways at other times for awhile after he died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I found out DD's grandfather died in the morning. She had a super busy day planned, something that couldn't be cancelled, so I waited until evening to tell her. She was very VERY upset with me. Just food for thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I hadn't even considered not telling them until the funeral service. That is something to think about. On one hand, my dd7 can be very sensitive, but on the other hand, she needs time to process things. I was 9yo when my grandfather died, and I was just expected to deal with it on my own. No one talked to me or let me stay home from school. I would not withhold info from them. My Grandma died so unexpectedly when I was 10. I have very little memories. If I were in your shoes, I would take as much time as you can for your children to spend with her since you know it could be soon. I always loved "interviewing" my other Grandma and writing down stories and facts about her life. I treasure listening and recording parts of her life that she shared. As far as your husband being POA, he may have his plate really full before/after. My Grandma had ALL her ducks in a row before her death, and my Mom still had so much paperwork, phone calls, etc. afterward. No advice on the school aspect of it, but you will be in my thoughts for a smooth process. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 We have a book - Gentle Willow - that is about disease and dying and missing someone. It's quite good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracy Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Thanks, everyone. I think you are all right about telling them as soon as we find anything out. Now that I am thinking about it, I was 9yo when my grandfather died. He had a heart attack but lived for a few days, and it was hard on me not knowing that he was going to die. (It was just a matter of my grandmother making the decision to turn off life support.) I really love the idea of a memory book. My mom did this for my sister when my grandfather died, and it helped her a lot. We have a book - Gentle Willow - that is about disease and dying and missing someone. It's quite good. Thanks for this. I will check this out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I would make sure they know what is coming. Grandma has lived a good and long life and it looks like she is going to be with Jesus soon (if you are religious). I would tell them that they should not be scared to see her, she will not drop dead in front of them and they should spend as much time with her as possible because it'll be good for her and them. We took a week off of school leading up to my dad's death and another after. It was nice afterwards to have time to talk about it with the kids and we spent a lot of time at playgrounds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 When Dh's grandmother died suddenly, my boys were devastated. They were 6 & 7 at the time, and they were very close to her. One of the ways we dealt with her death was to constantly talk about about what had happened to Grandma, look at our photos of her, and I had them draw her a picture to "take with her to heaven" before the funeral. She had an open casket funeral, and I left it up to them whether they wanted to go up to the casket or not. My oldest didn't want to at first. He hung around the back of the room. I tried to take him out, but he didn't want to leave. He had his drawing rolled up in his hand, and I asked him if he wanted me to place it in her casket with her. He didn't. In the final minutes, when everyone was preparing to leave, he slowly walked up to her casket, gently placed his drawing on her chest, stared at her for a few minutes, quietly said some words to her, then walked away. It was gut wrenching to witness. My youngest though, 6 at the time, and no real "filter" to speak of, loudly asked, "Mom, why is everyone crying? We'll see her in heaven again. She up there with Jesus!" His genuine confusion of the situation helped to lighten the mood somewhat. The week after the funeral, we did our regular lessons, as my boys need structure. My eldest wrote letters to her in his journal (his own initiative), and my youngest drew a lot of rainbows and happy faces with his Great Grandmother frolicking in heaven. My boys still talk about her, but I really think the talking, writing, drawing, and structure after-the-fact, really helped them process the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracy Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 We thought we had some time, but Grandma died this morning already. I found myself telling my dd7 just yesterday that we might not be able to see Grandma again. We were planning to go tonight to see her, so I didn't really think it would be an issue. But apparently some part of me did. Thanks for all your help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Mine were 7 and 3 (close to your dc's ages) when my mother died. She'd been in the hospital for nearly 90 days, and I drove 1.5 hours each way to stay w/ Mom nights. I'd leave around 4:30-5am to be back home in time for Dh to go to work. The Lord sustained me on 2-4 hours of sleep per night during that time. We kept homeschooling. Mom died on Thanksgiving Day. Dh took off work when we stopped dialysis the day before TG so I could be w/ her round the clock till the end. We didn't have the viewing till Monday night and her funeral on Tuesday, per a cousin's request so he didn't have to travel in TG traffic that weekend. I didn't return home till the next Saturday, so my kids did no school till the following Monday. As it was, we kept schooling during her illness. In fact, I'm pretty sure snuggling on Mommy & Daddy's bed to read the Little House series kept me sane during that time. The routine of it all kept me going afterwards too. Such sad memories. In fact, I dreamed about Mom last night. And my dreams of her are never happy. :( I dreamed I went home and couldn't find Mom, and then found her, she'd fallen next to her bed. There was on the floor. Not at all how anything happened, but just a cruel joke my sleeping mind played on me. And it's almost been 10 years since she passed! Anyway, back to schooling...does MIL live close to you? Is she up to having visitors? Does your DH want your dc to spend time w/ her now? I'd spend as much time w/ them as your DH would like, and that the dc are comfortable w/. My mom's funeral was the first viewing and funeral my dc went to. Actually, dd sat w/ us for the funeral. We paid someone to play w/ ds (3) in another room of the church during the service, but he was at the burial. My kids knew that things were not good all along. It all dragged on for so long. Sometimes taking care of family members IS the lesson. You can always pack books, workbooks, etc. if you'll be out of town for an extended time at the end, or after the funeral. Until then, I'd keep things as routine as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 So sorry Tracy :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 We thought we had some time, but Grandma died this morning already. I found myself telling my dd7 just yesterday that we might not be able to see Grandma again. We were planning to go tonight to see her, so I didn't really think it would be an issue. But apparently some part of me did. Thanks for all your help. Just typed all this w/o reading your follow up post. :grouphug: I'm glad you had the chance to say what you did to your dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 We thought we had some time, but Grandma died this morning already. I found myself telling my dd7 just yesterday that we might not be able to see Grandma again. We were planning to go tonight to see her, so I didn't really think it would be an issue. But apparently some part of me did. Thanks for all your help. :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I am glad you got a little time to process this, before she passed, even if it wasn't long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) My son (5yo at the time) would never have forgiven me if I hadn't told him when his grandmother died. I'd also consider the possibility, in the situation described above, that 24hrs wasn't enough time for the children to process (as best children can) grandmother's death and thus the sobbing. In my experience, keeping it low key and keeping it hidden are two very different things. I'm sorry for the loss your family is experiencing. Gentle hugs..... I might not have been clear. they knew grandma was dying, we just didn't tell them the actual time that she died. We felt that the wait for the service (6 days) would have been too difficult on my oldest, who has anxiety and depression. So it wasn't a complete shock. And we did tell them the day before. They knew everything but the exact TOD and the time of the service. Now that she's on medication (prozac) we might well be able to tell them WHEN it happened. But before meds, No Way. I'm so sorry. I didn't read the whole thread. We had someone to take care of the girls during the visitation and then to take them home afterwards, so they wouldn't have to stay during the lunch (oldest wouldn't have eaten most of it anyway). While we didn't have a viewing, we felt the visitation would be hard on the girls. DH is an only child, so the girls were the only grandchildren, and EVERYBODY knew about her precious granddaughters! We felt that everyone wanting to talk to them would be too much. And afterwards, same thing. So we had an 18 yr old friend take care of the them. She took them home, after stopping at their favorite restaurant for lunch, and let them play. <BRAG ALERT> This 18 yr old 'child' would take no pay for that day. Watching her grow up, using her as our sitter for several occasions, that still brings tears to my eyes. She has grown into a fabulous young woman. (Sorry, I just HAD to brag there). I will be praying for your family, and especially for wisdom in working with the kids. It is not easy. Edited September 25, 2012 by cin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Refined by Silver Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 *sigh* I am so sorry, Tracy! I was reading your thread and I was going to write to you and say to not count on it being very long. My grandmother was in a similar situation and she died just three weeks after she was diagnosed. I was be praying for your family! Don't worry about school or anything else. Do what feels right for you are your kids. Take the time that you need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsingscrapper Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 *sigh* I am so sorry, Tracy! I was reading your thread and I was going to write to you and say to not count on it being very long. My grandmother was in a similar situation and she died just three weeks after she was diagnosed. I was be praying for your family! Don't worry about school or anything else. Do what feels right for you are your kids. Take the time that you need. :iagree: I was never sheltered as a child from these things. When my grandma was diagnosed, it was very plainly stated we might lose her. I was 8. I watched her fight for 2 years and it was a losing battle. She passed when I was 10. My mom got a phone call and ten minutes later informed my sister and I that she was gone. You have my prayers. Children are often stronger than we give them credit for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I'm very sorry for your loss... :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Hugs! I'm so sorry. What a shock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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