Mrs. Readsalot Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Last ds told me that so and so has a crush on him(he found this out through a friend). Yesterday was her 16th birthday and he wanted to know if it was OK to call and wish her a Happy Birthday. Well since it was 10pm I told him I thought it was too late to call(buying time here). He has also been told through his friend that the girl would like ds to ask her to the movies or something. Note at this point I am having to remind myself to breathe. So a bit of back story. My ds has only seen the girl a few times at our community pool. He thinks she is cute, but really was surprised when he found out she has a crush on him. Needless to say dh an I took an extra long walk this morning discussing this. We would like ds to find out a bit more about her through friends. If she is someone he would like as a friend that is fine but, we I not going to allow him to go on one on one dates. So at this point approved activities would be meeting at the community pool, going with our family to the swim park, maybe going to the movies with a group, going to teen activities at the library (they have movies, video game nights etc.) I am really not ready for this. Yes we have had discussions with ds about girls. growing up etc. He is a great kid, wears a purity ring and believes strongly in what it means. He is handsome ( I notice girls checking him out all the time) is respectful, is intelligent and works hard at his homeschooling, and plays the guitar and sings very well. Personally I think he is more flatterered than anything else that an older girl likes him. Although I can see this may just be the start of girls liking him and I want to advise him well. I have the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I guess I need to take a look at it. Any suggestions from the wise Hive would be appreciated. Thanks!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Well, probably a lot of ladies here will think I lock mine in a closet, but no way would I encourage any of this. First of all, no offense to your son, but why is a 16 yr old interested? There is such a big difference between a 16 yr old girl and a 14 yr old boy. Secondly, I've got 14 yr old boys, and the last thing I'd let them do is to date a 16 yr old girl. Way too young imo. Why call her? That's just encouraging something that you've already said you're not ready for. And again, imo, 14 is too young for group dating too. And yet another thought.....and I'm sure I'll get blasted for this too, but I think that any girl that lets it get known through the grapevine that she is interested, wants a date with so and so...blah blah blah, wouldn't be what mine would be interested in. There have been a couple of girls that have chased after our oldest, while he finds it flattering, he's more interested in the ones that let him chase. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaNY Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 It sounds like you've done a great job with your son. :001_smile: Have you read the Josh Harris book with him? That might be helpful. Girls these days are so *much* more agressive. It's crazy! I don't have any counsel to offer, since I don't have sons. All I can offer is this - He's handsome? Get a bat, Mom, you're gonna need it! :001_rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I agree with Remudamom. I made the mistake with my middle son of saying he was not allowed to date until 16, but allowing group activities (unsupervised). When he went to the movies, he paired off--just like a date. Too much temptation for your 14 yo, and way too young to be more than flattered. He may fall into the trap of feeling what I call "inappropriate compassion." He was raised to be a nice guy, no doubt, so wants to be kind to everyone. A good thing--and that compassion can be so twisted by others, esp needy, hormonal young girls. While it may not be their fault, it happens. Be careful. If you need actual words to say, maybe something like, "Of course she likes you! Who wouldn't? You are (list attributes honestly). But here's the problem. It's really normal for her to be feeling attracted to you, but it wouldn't be fair for you to feed that attraction at this point, so I don't think you can really become close friends with her. You would actually be setting her up for a broken heart, when she finds you don't like her the same way. So it's probably best just to say hi and not talk with her a lot. And keep being your (list attributes) self!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 But as a teenager I was allowed to date older boys and will not allow my kids to do the same. Nothing good came of it at all. Two years is hardly any age difference at all in adults, but there is, in my opinion, quite a lot of difference between a fourteen-year-old boy and a sixteen-year-old girl. It sounds like you have a good plan and a trustworthy son, but a lot of the activities you described sound like situations where she and your ds could pair off as dates pretty easily. A lot of teen girls today are FORWARD. Even if they are kept in situations where physical contact is impossible, she could be pushing for an emotional intimacy that your ds isn't ready for and could be just as damaging. I hope I'm not sounding overly negative or discouraging, but I dated an older boy in high school who made Eddie Haskell look like an amateur. Every single adult that knew him thought he was a fantastic kid. He wasn't. I also dated a younger boy when I was sixteen. We were good kids, but we were far too emotionally involved for the ages we were. I just regret spending so much emotional energy on relationships as a teen when I could have been building friendships and learning about myself and the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Readsalot Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Yes we wonder why a 16 yo girl would be interested in a 14 yo guy. I guess we would like him to be able to have girls that are friends, just not girlfirends at this point. I think you make some very good points, and I plan to go back and discuss them with dh before I say anything to ds. Thank you for posting, I appreciate your viewpoint. Man we are going to do a lot of walking. I would like to point out the age thing to ds without hurting his feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Readsalot Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 It sounds like you've done a great job with your son. :001_smile: Have you read the Josh Harris book with him? That might be helpful. Girls these days are so *much* more agressive. It's crazy! I don't have any counsel to offer, since I don't have sons. All I can offer is this - He's handsome? Get a bat, Mom, you're gonna need it! :001_rolleyes: Get a bat, I love it. Yes I think we might need one. I am going to start the Josh Harris book today - then probably also read it with him starting next week. Agressive Girls Oh my HELP!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Well, probably a lot of ladies here will think I lock mine in a closet, but no way would I encourage any of this. First of all, no offense to your son, but why is a 16 yr old interested? There is such a big difference between a 16 yr old girl and a 14 yr old boy. Secondly, I've got 14 yr old boys, and the last thing I'd let them do is to date a 16 yr old girl. Way too young imo. Why call her? That's just encouraging something that you've already said you're not ready for. And again, imo, 14 is too young for group dating too. And yet another thought.....and I'm sure I'll get blasted for this too, but I think that any girl that lets it get known through the grapevine that she is interested, wants a date with so and so...blah blah blah, wouldn't be what mine would be interested in. There have been a couple of girls that have chased after our oldest, while he finds it flattering, he's more interested in the ones that let him chase. Exactly. :iagree:. I would not encourage this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Remudamom, Lisa, Staci, and Chris (who have all posted prior to my response) have given you the very counsel I was about to so I'll just say "Ditto". Let your son continue to enjoy his boyhood/early manhood without the entrapments of the emotional craziness that goes along with teenage dating (or even some modified version of it, i.e. group dating). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 If you need actual words to say, maybe something like, "Of course she likes you! Who wouldn't? You are (list attributes honestly). But here's the problem. It's really normal for her to be feeling attracted to you, but it wouldn't be fair for you to feed that attraction at this point, so I don't think you can really become close friends with her. You would actually be setting her up for a broken heart, when she finds you don't like her the same way. So it's probably best just to say hi and not talk with her a lot. And keep being your (list attributes) self!" Love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Agressive Girls Oh my HELP!!!! Girls, today, truly can be far more aggressive than the guys! :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Readsalot Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 I agree with Remudamom. If you need actual words to say, maybe something like, "Of course she likes you! Who wouldn't? You are (list attributes honestly). But here's the problem. It's really normal for her to be feeling attracted to you, but it wouldn't be fair for you to feed that attraction at this point, so I don't think you can really become close friends with her. You would actually be setting her up for a broken heart, when she finds you don't like her the same way. So it's probably best just to say hi and not talk with her a lot. And keep being your (list attributes) self!" This is wonderful, thank you for helping me find words that will raise his self confidence while letting the girl down is the best way. He hates to hurt anyone so I think this is part of why he somewhat wants to call her. I didn't get any sense of him really "liking" her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Readsalot Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Wow I love the Hive. I can see dh and I are real novices at this dating boy/girl thing. So many of you made great points and gave wonderful advice. Thanks you I am working on posting rep points for each of you. I can see now where this group dating even friendship things could be a very bad idea. My deep thoughts are ds will probably be relieved if we just not allow it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E_Edgerton Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I have to admit, a crush at that age is about fun, excitement about feeling liked or attractive, and passing a note now and then (probably with a lot of giggling). I just feel this is nothing to be taken too seriously. Of course, you should apply whatever rules on dating that you and your dh have decided, but it just think it should be ultimately about fun and the experience of getting older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesloonybin Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 It seems from you post that they might not KNOW each other well...you mention see each other at the Pool? I would discuss this with your son...If a girl "has a crush" on him but does not KNOW him then it is a superficial "looks only" crush. Therefore he should not worry too much about hurting her... I hope that make sense..a person is more important inside..not outside looks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Academy of Jedi Arts Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Going against the grain here- I wouldn't make a big deal of it at all. I would, like you said, limit the activities to teen gatherings/family outings at 14. Kids mature at different rates, and there is no reason why a 14 and 16 year old can't be good friends. If this girl is truly interested in hanging out with your son, not having him as her boy toy, then she will accept that since he is younger, he can't stay out as late, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Going against the grain here- I wouldn't make a big deal of it at all. I would, like you said, limit the activities to teen gatherings/family outings at 14. Kids mature at different rates, and there is no reason why a 14 and 16 year old can't be good friends. If this girl is truly interested in hanging out with your son, not having him as her boy toy, then she will accept that since he is younger, he can't stay out as late, etc. The problem I see with this is that I know 16 yr old girls. They get attached, they get romantic notions, they go overboard. A 14 yr old shouldn't have to deal with it. They are not emotionally ready for something like this. And like someone else said, she doesn't know him, she's interested in him for his looks. That's nothing to base a relationship on. It's shallow. I love to give dh a hard time about this. He says the reason he wanted to go out with me was because he thought I was the most beautiful thing he ever saw. (Remember this was 30 years ago). Anyhow, look what happened with us. Now he's stuck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I have to admit, a crush at that age is about fun, excitement about feeling liked or attractive, and passing a note now and then (probably with a lot of giggling). I just feel this is nothing to be taken too seriously. Of course, you should apply whatever rules on dating that you and your dh have decided, but it just think it should be ultimately about fun and the experience of getting older. In some cases you may be right, but this certainly isn't always so. Dh and I both remember being invited to "make out" parties as young as 7th grade. And this was over twenty years ago (nearly thirty for dh). A LOT of my peers were s*xually active by sixteen, a few by fourteen. It's been my experience (and observation of a few ps kids I know), that the note passing and giggling occurs in 4th-6th grade, but by Jr. High some kids are mind-bogglingly sophisticated and in way over their heads. Not every kid, of course, but more than many people would like to believe. And even the nice, clean cut kids are doing this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm with Remudamom. Would you want a 16-yr-old BOY asking out a 14-yr-old girl? For now - she can see him at GROUP events/places. He is too young to date, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie in Oh Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 In some cases you may be right, but this certainly isn't always so. Dh and I both remember being invited to "make out" parties as young as 7th grade. And this was over twenty years ago (nearly thirty for dh). A LOT of my peers were s*xually active by sixteen, a few by fourteen. It's been my experience (and observation of a few ps kids I know), that the note passing and giggling occurs in 4th-6th grade, but by Jr. High some kids are mind-bogglingly sophisticated and in way over their heads. Not every kid, of course, but more than many people would like to believe. And even the nice, clean cut kids are doing this. :iagree: Many of my classmates were losing their purity in 8th grade, and the lead up to that was co-ed slumber parties, which were quite popular in 5th and 6th. And I am 35 so that was quite a while ago. By 14-16 many, many kids have done way more than they should be doing and if you don't know this girl, she could be, ahm, rather expereinced. I would be awfully careful with any time they spend together, if allowed at all, to be very supervised. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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