Slipper Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I'm on a destructive path with my FIL and his wife. We used to get along well, but things have been going downhill lately. One odd thing we've noticed for the past few years is that they no longer acknowledge the girls' birthdays. They don't send a card or call (much less visit or a gift). I've explained this to the girls that this is something that they just don't "do". Some families acknowledge birthdays and some do not. The odd thing is that DH and I always get a card and sometimes a gift from them. I'm not in a happy place with them at the moment and I'm thinking about sending my birthday card back (should it arrive and this year it may not). My birthday is in a few weeks. Or, to send a thank you note to them and maybe casually include that the girls would enjoy receiving birthday cards or phone calls on their birthdays as well. I just don't understand. This set of grandparents are very active in church and teach 3 yr olds (a fairly large group at that). Their "kids" at church get birthday cards (and get well cards). They are too busy to visit us (and complain a lot that we rarely visit them) but brag about how they make visits to their "kids" when they are not feeling well or have missed too much church. I know it's silly to be jealous of 3 yr olds. I feel like they visit other kids just for appearances. Their church positions are very rewarding to them. I know they love our girls but I don't get it. It's such a weird relationship we have with them. In a weird way, I also feel like they would love them more if we went to church more often. I typically ignore the odd things they do, but at this point, I have reached my limit with them. It takes a lot to goad me to action, but I'm there. (My middle daughter had a birthday recently and received nothing as usual. A week later she was hospitalized with appendicitis and they both drove 3 hours to visit her). At the same time, this is my husband's father and I feel obligated to not be too out-spoken. DH won't bring this up with them because he doesn't want to talk to them. At all. I hurt when my kids are hurt. I need some tactful and thoughtful responses for a situation that is already difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 DH won't bring this up with them because he doesn't want to talk to them. At all. If this were the case in my house, I wouldn't be pursuing communication with my fil on the topic. I would just leave it alone. I would just communicate to the dc just as you have done. I wouldn't send back presents to dh or myself, but I wouldn't tell the dc that we got presents either. I would just leave it as is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mryann Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 My parents are weird like this. They sent 20 bucks to my 12 yr old just last week for his birthday and nothing to my other 3 kids during the year. One year, they sent $5 to my dh for his birthday. If they send any money, we split it with all the kids and tell them it's from their grandparents, even if it's a check addressed to just one kid. This idea makes us all feel like a family with a nutty relative instead of feeling like we got slighted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel & the Kids Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 She just stopped sending me things at all, never visited, nothing, when I was about 9... I got over it. My mom never liked her anyway and explained how it was her choice and not my fault, that I had lots of people who loved me. It's still ok with me. I feel sorry for the woman that she would have felt like that whatever her reasons were but people do odd things. It's part of life. Sometimes it's our fault and sometimes it's not. I'd let it go and encourage the kids to think well of them, pray for them and be kind to them as the occasion arises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 If this were the case in my house, I wouldn't be pursuing communication with my fil on the topic. I would just leave it alone. I would just communicate to the dc just as you have done. I wouldn't send back presents to dh or myself, but I wouldn't tell the dc that we got presents either. I would just leave it as is. :iagree:, unless my husband wanted to bring it up to his father. In that case, I'd leave it between him and his father! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 If I were in your shoes, I'd definitely let this go (even tho it's hard), especially because they are your step-in-laws. And especially because your dh does not want to get involved. Instead, I would begin to minister to THEM. Don't worry about their S.S. class kids. Have your kids mail them drawings and send them photos of your family with general, happy news. Age changes everyone, and I'd just suggest you find ways to encourage them in ways that are compatible with what your family can give. And not look for specific responses from them. Keeping the relationship at a friendly distance may be the New Normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 If this were the case in my house, I wouldn't be pursuing communication with my fil on the topic. I would just leave it alone. I would just communicate to the dc just as you have done. I wouldn't send back presents to dh or myself, but I wouldn't tell the dc that we got presents either. I would just leave it as is. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 We have the same issue. I would just let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 My inlaws are weird like that too. They sometimes do things that show their preference for our daughter over our son. My daughter sees this and just feel contempt for them because of it. My son is pretty oblivious to stuff like this so I doubt he notices. I talk about it to the kids when the kids are bothered. My husband occasionally says something to his parents, but it doesn't do any good. I stay out of it with the in-laws. He deals with problems with his family; I deal with problems with mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 My parents are weird like this. They sent 20 bucks to my 12 yr old just last week for his birthday and nothing to my other 3 kids during the year. One year, they sent $5 to my dh for his birthday. If they send any money, we split it with all the kids and tell them it's from their grandparents, even if it's a check addressed to just one kid. This idea makes us all feel like a family with a nutty relative instead of feeling like we got slighted. :iagree: I like this!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 If your dh wants nothing to do w/them, then why are you still trying? Respect what your dh wants, and let it all go. It's his dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 (My middle daughter had a birthday recently and received nothing as usual. A week later she was hospitalized with appendicitis and they both drove 3 hours to visit her). It sounds like they can't do it all, but they are there for you when it's serious. I'd take attention to sick kids over birthday cards any day. As parents age, they will do less, and become more flakey. Give them grace. Do unto others, etc. Birthdays are less of a big deal when you've had more of them, I'm guessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 I find that my children get their feelings hurt less if I don't create expectations for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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