Are there any good resources for helping me & my dh & kids deal with grief?

[jacqui in mo]

If you haven't seen my op yesterday, my dad died June 29. I sorta know the stages of grief but I don't think my dh does & he's not sure how to help me deal with this. I was kinda a basket case this morning. I didn't realize how hard it was leaving my mom all alone yesterday after spending a week & a half at my childhood home helping her. I was so busy there supporting my mom & helping in any way I could, that I thought I was dealing well with my grief, but it really hit me this morning. My poor dh acts as if it's his fault I'm crying & feels badly & tries to cheer me up. Is there anything that would be helpful for him to read? I have a very hard time being transparent about my feelings.

 

I need clues for dealing with my kids (6, 9, 13) too. Yesterday my 9 yo was being pretty stubborn about not helping out when I asked him as we were preparing to leave my mom's home. (we live 3 1/2 hours away) My mom sensed that he wasn't just being ornery, but was in fact having a hard time dealing with leaving. I didn't see it in my busyness to get as much done for mom as possible. My mom was able to talk with him & they both had a good cry. I was sorry I missed this type of clue.

 

I'm feeling better this evening than I did this morning, but now I'm wondering if I'm going to have such a hard time in the morning again. It was really hard getting myself going today... Very hard to be the wife I'm supposed to be.

 

Thanks for listening if you got this far. I appreciate the virtual support.

 

Jacqui

[Brigitte]

I have no advice, but lots of hugs and my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

[sdWTMer]

I think that perhaps time is the best thing. Just give yourself some time. The wounds are still fresh.

 

I'm so sorry.

[kalanamak]

If you haven't seen my op yesterday, my dad died June 29. I sorta know the stages of grief but I don't think my dh does & he's not sure how to help me deal with this.

 

Jacqui

 

I learned about it from the old Ross classic "On Death and Dying".

[hmschoolmom22]

just wanted to say how sorry I am! :grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

I don't know about books and stuff, but this sounds really normal to me.

 

I remember when I was heavily involved with grieving with and caring for a close friend's family when their 15yo DS died in a farm accident. I remember the first day I stayed home--didn't go over there--after spending all day, every day there for a week or so. The grief hit me all over again because I wasn't caught up in the situation any more. Oh yes, I cried with and for them the first week, but staying busy was therapeutic. When I actually had to go on and get back to my normal duties, it was awful. And it wasn't even someone in my family!!!

 

So I think you should just be kind to yourself and not try to jump back in to your routine.

 

So many of those daily things seem so pointless in the wake of loss, and sometimes there are a lot of emotions associated with realizing that things have to somehow go on. And to top it all off, you had to leave your mother alone. That must've felt awful.

 

Just grieve the way you need to grieve and be gentle with yourself. You can tell your DH I said so ; ).

 

Blessings to you. I'm truly sorry for your loss.

[bkpan]

A Grief Observed by C.S.Lewis:sad:

[Jen500]

I'm sorry for your loss. You might try calling your local Hospice and asking about resources. I know it's hard to help your kids when you're grieving yourself.

[Laurie]

I missed your first post. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. My dh and I also share June 29 with you...we both lost our dads on that day (although 30 years apart).

 

If your father received any hospice care you might check with them...I received letters from them after my mom passed away with some advice about dealing with grief through the first year (how to deal with holidays, etc.) I think they also offer some grief support services for families, including kids. *If any of your local hospitals offer community classes they might also have meetings for people who've lost loved ones.

 

I bought Maria Shriver's book, What's Heaven?, to read with my dc and I thought it was helpful.

 

:grouphug:

[G5052]

Everyone processes grief differently, and it's OK to be emotional right now. It's hard to say when you'll feel more "right." I haven't lost my parents yet (I could lose either or both this year though), but I've watched how my husband and his four siblings have dealt with the loss of both their parents. Each was entirely different in how they dealt with it immediately and long-term. One was very accepting and at peace almost right away, one is still dealing with it years later, and the others are somewhere in between. Probably the best thing to tell your husband is that you need his understanding. He can't fix this, you need time to work through the emotions. It's OK if you can't pinpoint what you're feeling. That probably will come later.

 

Here's a link to good general information: http://www.webmd.com/balance/tc/grief-and-grieving-topic-overview

 

There's lots out there if you Google "grief" or "grieving."

[hypermusicmom]

annieshomepage.com/grief

[midwestbelle]

DH is the oldest of 3 and was the executor of the estate. He was strong during the hospitalization and funeral, but when everyone left and it was the 2 of us to clean out and sell the house (his parents were divorced), the grief washed over him again. I tried to give him some space, but be available if he wanted to talk or cry. He shared lots of memories with me as we went through the boxes in the house.

 

Our girls were 3 and didn't fully understand. Over the next couple of years, the reality of Grammy being gone sank in for them and they spent many nights crying for her, which brought renewed grief for dh. They still remember spending weekends with her and we talk of her often. We also have a photo album of her that they like to go through. The boys didn't know her, so the girls tell them stories about Grammy.

 

I would say the best thing is time and just being there for each other to share memories or tears. Grief is so different for each person, you can't really predict it from one day to another.

 

You're in my prayers tonight.

[Happy]

Please get a copy of Doug Manning's book, 'Don't Take My Grief Away From Me.' It is the kindest book on grief I've ever read. The last half is the best part.

[Lorna in the boonies]

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your father.

 

You didn't mention your belief system, but a Christian resource that we used with our surviving children when our daughter died was Someone I Love Died. It very definitely approaches death from a Christian viewpoint, though, so if your beliefs are different, it won't be helpful to you.

 

My sympathies.:grouphug: