How would you feel in this situation?

[MamaBearTeacher]

Say you had a fairly good friend and after a while they stopped returning your phone calls and they were brushing you off so that you stopped seeing/ talking to each other. You know that there were no circumstances in their life like illness or something that would cause them not to call you back and you hear that they are keeping in touch with other friends so you feel hurt. Then a year or so later you bumped into each other and they were very friendly and wanted to know all the details of your life but did not mention not returning your phone calls.

 

How would you feel? Happy and excited to talk with them? Would you want to confront them on why they did not return your calls and tell them that it hurt your feelings? Wanting to share your life with them and find out how they are doing? Wanting to avoid them? Just somewhat angry? Other? I'm not doing a poll but I'm just interested in people generally feel in this situation whether or not this has ever happened to you or not.

[shanvan]

Say you had a fairly good friend and after a while they stopped returning your phone calls and they were brushing you off so that you stopped seeing/ talking to each other. You know that there were no circumstances in their life like illness or something that would cause them not to call you back and you hear that they are keeping in touch with other friends so you feel hurt. Then a year or so later you bumped into each other and they were very friendly and wanted to know all the details of your life but did not mention not returning your phone calls.

 

How would you feel? Happy and excited to talk with them? Would you want to confront them on why they did not return your calls and tell them that it hurt your feelings? Wanting to share your life with them and find out how they are doing? Wanting to avoid them? Just somewhat angry? Other? I'm not doing a poll but I'm just interested in people generally feel in this situation whether or not this has ever happened to you or not.

 

Well, this actually did happen to me and my feelings were not cut and dry. It's so complicated, I'm going to have to think about it before I post. I'll be back later. It's a very difficult position to be in.

[starwarsmomma]

Yep. Been through that with my "best" friend of nearly 20 years. It hurt.

And I admit, when she accidentally called me after no word from her at all for nearly 1 1/2 years, then admitted she didn't mean to call me but another friend instead, but that while I was one the phone, how was I doing? I admit it-- I was short. Bordering on snarky.

 

Hubby tells me I expect so much from other people, because I always give so much. So I get disappointed when they dont live up to my expectations...

[PiCO]

Say you had a fairly good friend and after a while they stopped returning your phone calls and they were brushing you off so that you stopped seeing/ talking to each other. You know that there were no circumstances in their life like illness or something that would cause them not to call you back and you hear that they are keeping in touch with other friends so you feel hurt. Then a year or so later you bumped into each other and they were very friendly and wanted to know all the details of your life but did not mention not returning your phone calls.

 

This happened to me. I ran in to her in the grocery store when she was blowing me off, I was really excited to see her- I hadn't talked to her in months. I said, "Hi! how've you been? I haven't seen you in so long!" She gave me her excited-to-see-you face, said "So great to see you!" and then walked by, totally blowing me off. I totally felt like crap.

 

Two years later, we ran into each other at the same store. I casually waved hi, she wanted to stop and talk, and chat me up. I did stop to talk, because I didn't want to make her feel how she had made me feel, but I drew the line at getting together to "do lunch". I'm not going to set myself up for heart ache.

[Kathryn]

Another one who's been there. Mine actually called me out of the blue to be her matron of honor. I should have said no. It was uncomfortable being with her real friends who she actually spends time with. I felt horribly out place. She dropped me again after the wedding. She called again when she got pregnant. I was her only friend with children. Once her other friends started having babies, I've been backseat again. I'm honestly just baffled as to why she continues to make these efforts, but I've determined that I won't do it again. I don't like how it makes me feel about her.

[happi duck]

 

Hubby tells me I expect so much from other people, because I always give so much. So I get disappointed when they dont live up to my expectations...

 

This is a great insight. I think I do this too.

[myfunnybunch]

I would probably feel....

 

happy, because I'd missed that friend.

 

hurt, because my phone calls had been ignored.

 

torn between wanting to share about my life and hear about hers and not wanting to deal with her at all.

 

confused that she was so friendly when she'd clearly (barring unknown personal circumstances in her life) dropped me.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[MamaBearTeacher]

Hubby tells me I expect so much from other people, because I always give so much. So I get disappointed when they dont live up to my expectations...

 

I'm will have to join this club too.

[Tap]

I am the type of person who does not form deep bonds with people. I can spend every day with a person for a year, and not feel anymore attached to them than a friend that I only see once a year. It is just who I am and while I don't mean to, I have hurt people who get more attached to me, than me to them.

 

 

My sister is the opposite. She forms deep bonds with many people, even distant relatives that she has never met. She is appalled that I don't try to keep in touch with all of my 30+ cousins, most of who I haven't seen or talked to since I was a small child. We are from the same family, but have very different 'attachment' styles.

 

 

Due to circumstances, there is one parent (of a friend of my daughter) who I have to keep my distance from. We were neighbors and I didn't realize that she was getting deeply bonded to me. She is like my sister, forming deep bonds quickly. When I got busy, and stopped taking the time to keep in touch with her, she would get crushed and feel like I walked away from our friendship. I would explain to her that I wasn't upset with her and that I was just busy in my own life, but she would argue that she knew I wasn't busy. :confused: I was busy, but it didn't concern her, and I don't always tell people facts about my personal life. (We though my dh had testicular cancer and I was spending a great deal of time researching it and he was getting a lot of testing)

 

After that, I had to stop contact with her. I liked her a lot and loved to hear how her life was going and her kids, but I can't continue to hurt her each time I decide to withdraw a bit. I do see her in a store, and I do stop to say hi, but I don't meet for coffee, and I don't go to her house to visit.

 

I do care about people, I just don't get attached. It is not something I can control, it is just who I am. What I do have control over, is not hurting people. For me, that means I can't have a lot of casual contact with the same person, because they will end up getting hurt when I don't mean to.

 

 

ETA: I think she is a great person, fun, a great mother and a good friend. I hated to walk away. It wasn't a reflection on how wonderful I thought she was, It was just me and my inability to reciprocate the relationship. So, please realize that this person may genuinely care that you are happy and healthy, but she may just be protecting you, from herself :( and (if she is like me) her messed up attachement issues.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[shanvan]

I would probably feel....

 

happy, because I'd missed that friend.

 

hurt, because my phone calls had been ignored.

 

torn between wanting to share about my life and hear about hers and not wanting to deal with her at all.

 

confused that she was so friendly when she'd clearly (barring unknown personal circumstances in her life) dropped me.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

 

I think this about sums up my feelings. I ended up resuming a 'sort of' relationship with her b/c we are neighbors. I've just learned not to expect much from her and I don't put out much for her. I very rarely call her. We are busy, which helps. If I devote any time to thinking about it, I am still hurt.

[NorthwestMom]

I am in a season where I am dealing with too many unbalanced relationships and I am in the process of trying to limit my feelings and move on. The situation you describe hurts, no question about it.

 

I *do* plan to say that unreturned phone calls (or in my case, invitations that were not responded to in any way) hurt my feelings and disappointed my kids. I think they have a right to know that.

 

:grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

I am the type of person who does not form deep bonds with people. I can spend every day with a person for a year, and not feel anymore attached to them than a friend that I only see once a year. It is just who I am and while I don't mean to, I have hurt people who get more attached to me, than me to them.

 

 

My sister is the opposite. She forms deep bonds with many people, even distant relatives that she has never met. She is appalled that I don't try to keep in touch with all of my 30+ cousins, most of who I haven't seen or talked to since I was a small child. We are from the same family, but have very different 'attachment' styles.

 

 

Due to circumstances, there is one parent (of a friend of my daughter) who I have to keep my distance from. We were neighbors and I didn't realize that she was getting deeply bonded to me. She is like my sister, forming deep bonds quickly. When I got busy, and stopped taking the time to keep in touch with her, she would get crushed and feel like I walked away from our friendship. I would explain to her that I wasn't upset with her and that I was just busy in my own life, but she would argue that she knew I wasn't busy. :confused: I was busy, but it didn't concern her, and I don't always tell people facts about my personal life. (We though my dh had testicular cancer and I was spending a great deal of time researching it and he was getting a lot of testing)

 

After that, I had to stop contact with her. I liked her a lot and loved to hear how her life was going and her kids, but I can't continue to hurt her each time I decide to withdraw a bit. I do see her in a store, and I do stop to say hi, but I don't meet for coffee, and I don't go to her house to visit.

 

I do care about people, I just don't get attached. It is not something I can control, it is just who I am. What I do have control over, is not hurting people. For me, that means I can't have a lot of casual contact with the same person, because they will end up getting hurt when I don't mean to.

 

 

ETA: I think she is a great person, fun, a great mother and a good friend. I hated to walk away. It wasn't a reflection on how wonderful I thought she was, It was just me and my inability to reciprocate the relationship. So, please realize that this person may genuinely care that you are happy and healthy, but she may just be protecting you, from herself :( and (if she is like me) her messed up attachement issues.

 

This is fascinating to me. Thanks for articulating this. I am glad you are so self-aware and are cautious about hurting people. :001_smile:

[QuirkyKapers]

I have been in this situation. It was helpful for me to really take a look at the relationship and evaluate it. I discovered, that although I was disappointed the calls stopped, I was also relieved. There were some good things but there were also things that happened that were awkward and hurtful to my children and myself. :grouphug: If I ran into the person, I would be nice. However, I wouldn't be looking to restart the friendship again. In fact, it would have to be very different than it had been. This is helpful for me to realize that I held onto something that really wasn't all I had made it to be in my mind. Yes, there were good things, but there were many things that weren't.

[Mona100]

Yep. Been through that with my "best" friend of nearly 20 years. It hurt.

And I admit, when she accidentally called me after no word from her at all for nearly 1 1/2 years, then admitted she didn't mean to call me but another friend instead, but that while I was one the phone, how was I doing? I admit it-- I was short. Bordering on snarky.

 

Hubby tells me I expect so much from other people, because I always give so much. So I get disappointed when they dont live up to my expectations...

 

This statement just hit me so hard because it is so true. So, how do you change this and is this a part of your personality that you would want to change? Sorry to hijack but OP could be this type of person also.

[shanvan]

[/b]

 

This statement just hit me so hard because it is so true. So, how do you change this and is this a part of your personality that you would want to change? Sorry to hijack but OP could be this type of person also.

 

Dh has told me exactly the same thing. I've learned to recognize that I do have that tendency. I don't try to change it. I just remind myself that most people don't have the same expectations. I've also stopped looking for friendships that go too deep. I reserve that type of relationship for Dh, my mom, and one particular friend I've had for 30 years.

[MamaBearTeacher]

[/b]

 

This statement just hit me so hard because it is so true. So, how do you change this and is this a part of your personality that you would want to change? Sorry to hijack but OP could be this type of person also.

 

No need to apologize. I am this type of person. :) I don't know that I could change, at last not significantly.

[jhschool]

If she ignored you for a year and a half, why would you put any effort into rekindling this friendship? I am sure you have better friends to hang out with, friends who actually return your phone calls and make you feel happy about yourself. Walk away from this.

[Catwoman]

If she ignored you for a year and a half, why would you put any effort into rekindling this friendship? I am sure you have better friends to hang out with, friends who actually return your phone calls and make you feel happy about yourself. Walk away from this.

 

:iagree:

 

Even if you don't have other friends, why would you waste your time on this woman? Let's face it, if she blew you off once, she'll do it again as soon as she has something better to do or has someone new to be friends with.

 

Some people are very intense in friendships... for a while... and then all of a sudden, they're bored and move on to someone else. It's like when some people start dating a new person and that person is their one and only focus. They want to spend all of their time with that person, and anyone who saw them would think they'd found the love of their life, their true soul mate. Except that super-intense people like that often have short attention spans, and get bored and move on to their next "soul mate" at the drop of a hat, leaving the ex-soul-mate feeling hurt and confused (and wondering what they did wrong, although in reality they did nothing but choose the wrong person to date.)