Help! Irritated with DH but don't want to be

[Carrie75]

So my DH has a high stress, long hours job. He has been in this position for nearly 2 years with no signs of the stress or the hours letting up. He really feels like the experience he is gaining by all his hard work will pay off for us/him in the future.

 

However, I am burned out. He's tired and a little mopey when he gets home, which furthers my frustration. I feel fed up with him not being around for the kids and me. He is exhausted on the weekends and does nothing for the house. Prior to this position he was very helpful around the house, kept the lawn mowed, and picked up after himself. Now, he leaves his stuff everywhere. He has six pairs of his huge, size 12, shoes piled at the bottom of the stairs, that should be in his closet. He leaves dishes all over, dirty clothes on the floor, ect. He's tired and I am frustrated!

 

For the sake of our family, I really want to come to a place where I am just grateful he is employed in a position he wants to be in. I want to love him enough to clean up after him happily and focus on enjoying his company when he is home. How do I get to that point? Can anyone relate to this?

[linders]

:grouphug:I can very much relate. It's been 3-1/2 years and will always get better "soon." The hardest for me is being the only chauffeur for all the afternoon/evening activities for my two.

 

However, he is employed :001_smile:, he recognizes how hard it is on everyone, and he doesn't utter a word of criticism when the house is a mess or dinner is a simple salad-and-sandwich (see "chauffeur" above).

 

Hang in there.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can so relate. I vent to a couple of online friends. Then I try to do something to bless him. I've found that doing that even when I don't want to makes me feel a bit better about things. (Plus the stuff that irritating me is now taken care of.)

 

My dh works so long hours but I know how much he's doing for us by doing so. I have to consciously remind myself of that though because like you I get irritated and burned out by it.

[fairfarmhand]

I think the key to these situation is knowing how to approach the issues.

 

I think that you need to recognize that although he is working long hours, that also means that YOU ARE WORKING LONG HOURS TOO!

 

The burn out comes when both of you work long hours indefinitely.

 

Before I ever said one word about this to him, I would work on my attitude. I would focus on being thankful for his work, glad that he has this opportunity and tell myself things about him that I love. After a week or two, then I would try to approach him lovingly.

 

I think sometimes when I try to not complain, it backfires. My dh has no idea that I am getting down until I explode in frustration. Part of the give and take of a relationship is trusting the other person enough to let them in on what you are thinking. Sometimes my guy doesn't realize how worn down and frazzled I am because I don't want to "bother" him. But he can't fix problems that he doesn't know exists.

 

If the long hours are hard on you, if you are getting burned out, you need to be able to find a way of letting him know where you are.

 

 

(BTW, can you get your kids to help put up daddy's stuff?)

[QuirkyKapers]

I can totally relate. It is tough when you are used to having the extra help to doing it alone. One thing I have done is de-clutter like crazy. Also, I figured out what I really needed the most help with, and have him do that one thing. For me, it is him putting away is own laundry. He will also put away the kids clothes. Another thing I do is when he is out of town, I get minimal groceries and use the rest of the grocery money to eat out. Not necessarily at a restaurant, but just like piddly things: breakfast items from BK, pizza for supper. It really helps me maintain the house. :grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

Not too sound mean or heartless, and yes they work long hours but really? Why treat the wife like a slave? He can ecleast take care of his personal belongings. If a woman gets a job she is still expected to cook, clean manage the house etc. Men are no less capable. I would never tolerate from a man something I wouldn't tolerate from a child.

[Barb_]

I went through this with my husband for the same reasons from about 2003-2009. It turns out he was clinically depressed.

[MindyD]

BTDT. I was about to tell my dh he could work at McDonald's for all I care, but his job wasn't working for him or us. Thankfully, that's right when he changed careers and got a job that he loves. It's hard living with someone that has such a stressful job. :grouphug:

[Bang!Zoom!]

My guy works really hard too. Up at 4:30 a.m. and not back until 12 plus hours later. He can and does get exhausted quite often.

 

Previous life experiences, long hours by one or both folks in the home...tried a few different scenarios- hire help, let it go, work even harder...

 

There's a lot of choices out there. You just have to do what works for your family in the space you are in. Life is short.

 

Men are (in general) pretty responsive to direct requests. Just up and tell him what you need. They like providing answers and fixing stuff you know?

[CTmom]

You have my sympathies, especially if we was helpful before this job. But still, putting away his shoes or clothes should hardly take any time or effort on his part. I agree with the posters above that you have to tell him in a non confrontational way. tell him a few times to put it away or that he will have to search for it. Give him a few chances and then hide the shoes or dont do the laundry.

 

If he gets angry and starts saying that you are not being supportive, calmly point out that his long hours are making you work double time also with no support from him, so you will also end up being sloppy in some things that are not important to you

[Plucky]

Mine works a lot and very long hours. He sacrifices a lot for us, too. I have come to the conclusion that when we pick up I send kids to go put his stuff away. I don't know what ages your kids are but this works here.

[ktgrok]

I think the key to these situation is knowing how to approach the issues.

 

I think that you need to recognize that although he is working long hours, that also means that YOU ARE WORKING LONG HOURS TOO!

 

The burn out comes when both of you work long hours indefinitely.

 

Before I ever said one word about this to him, I would work on my attitude. I would focus on being thankful for his work, glad that he has this opportunity and tell myself things about him that I love. After a week or two, then I would try to approach him lovingly.

 

I think sometimes when I try to not complain, it backfires. My dh has no idea that I am getting down until I explode in frustration. Part of the give and take of a relationship is trusting the other person enough to let them in on what you are thinking. Sometimes my guy doesn't realize how worn down and frazzled I am because I don't want to "bother" him. But he can't fix problems that he doesn't know exists.

 

If the long hours are hard on you, if you are getting burned out, you need to be able to find a way of letting him know where you are.

 

 

(BTW, can you get your kids to help put up daddy's stuff?)

 

So true! For the past year I've been annoyed that my DH leaves his underwear on the bathroom counter after he showers, and never puts his toothbrush back in the holder. Every morning I go in there after him and put the underwear in the hamper and the toothbrush in the holder. Finally one morning I kind of snapped at him about it, and he was shocked. Said he didn't realize he was doing it, and you know what? He hasn't done it since then. If i had asked nicely a year ago I could have saved a lot of frustration!