Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Please don't quote this. Does any else feel that whenever she is around her mother, she is at constant battle with herself? I don't know what is wrong with me. I've always been pretty close to my Mom, and she lives quite near me. I see her a couple of time a week. She is relatively healthy, so it's not like an elder care crisis. I just find that lately, she is driving me insane, and it's more me that her, I think. I want to argue with everything she says, like I am a 13 year old "know it all." I am not like this with other people. I want so much to be a great daughter, and she is a good mother to me. We haven't had a real argument in 20 years. But honestly, I feel like every time I am with her, it's worse than the time before. Part of it is that as she ages, she gets more superior about things. She's so proud of how thin she is, and has such contempt for people who are even a little overweight. It's sort of the opposite of what you think - that people would get humble with age. Everyone is a moron in her opinion. Today she went on a tirade about how loud the grocery store is and how annoying it is that all the people who work there wear matching outfits and name tags. I know you are immediately all thinking, "She's getting senile" but in most ways, she really isn't (and I have been through that with my Dad, read all the books, etc.) She reads good books. She reads biographies, good fiction, political books. She watches a lot of movies. She's an introvert but has a core group of good friends. Her home is impeccable and her grooming as well. She is fine living alone - wouldn't have it any other way, and I live very close by so as she needs more help, I will be here. But she is just getting so opinionated, and sometimes I am sort of sensitive about it. She makes these little comments about my MIL that bug me, but they are "just so" in tone, so if I called her on it she could play innocent. Same with my sisters. I feel like she is always saying things slightly critically of them, but not enough to call her on it. She watches a ton of tv, but makes fun of people who watch tv. It's like she watches it so that she can later talk about what morons people on tv are. She tells me a lot of things about other people that are none of my business (like details of her friends' relationships with their DILs - stuff like that). I don't know why I can't just be patient and have a sense of humor about things like this. Is this just they way it is as a parent ages? Part of the solution would be to make sure that when I spend time with her, we are "doing" something instead of just sitting and talking. But I feel like she needs someone to just sit and talk with, and she's not much of a doer. Most weeks, I will drop by a couple of times in the afternoon, have a glass of wine, and just give her an hour or so of my time. Can anyone relate to this? I do already know how lucky I am to have a Mom, especially a sweet one like mine. I get that I am a 2 percenter in terms of Momdom. But even so, I need to be coping better and with more ... joy. Remember, don't quote me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I wonder if it is a product of them living by themselves. My mom is alone too. And when I call, all she does is talk about herself and what she thinks about everything. And she talks about people I don't know. I'm still raising my family and don't have hours to hear about everything she saw and thought on the way to the store (and everything she bought at the store). I guess what I miss is a little positive strokes and interest in my life. And a condensed version of what is going on with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Depending on how old your mom is, it could be just a function of age. It seems there is a certain level of narcissism (different, of course, than the NPD that many of us deal with in our mothers) creeps in during the elder years. I can't remember if it's related to dementia or not, but it's like their social filter just falls off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I think I relate. I think it's a by-product of coming into our own, becoming confident as moms and wives. Not that we intentionally look down on our own moms, but maybe we don't hold them on such a high pedestal as we did when we were new moms. As a result, it's easier for them to let us down. For me, I think it's less that my mom is becoming less perfect but more than I'm just a bit more worldly-wise as a mom that I can see more of her flaws. Like you, I'm SO grateful to have a mom close by, and I love and admire her above just about any other woman. But, yeah, I have a shorter patience than I used to, as well. If it helps at all, I look at my daughter and think about I'll want her to treat me when I become my mom's age. This usually buys me enough patience to get through. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Oh. My. GOSH! I could have written this verbatim! I'm almost laughing because it's so true! My mom was just here for a week and I needed a bottle of wine and three days in bed to recover. ***OK, I just cut out the body of my message because I realized it was way too personal. I can totally relate though!!! My mom is still really active and still works, but my husband says he has noticed it IS getting worse with age, so I try to take that into account and be patient. Yeah, that sounded good, but let's be honest, I am soooo not patient. A good friend gave me some great advice. She said that the best way to maintain our relationships with our mothers is to stay the he** away from them while we are raising kids! haha I never thought that would be true for my mom and I. We've always been very close. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Depending on how old your mom is, it could be just a function of age. It seems there is a certain level of narcissism (different, of course, than the NPD that many of us deal with in our mothers) creeps in during the elder years. I can't remember if it's related to dementia or not, but it's like their social filter just falls off. :iagree: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tadah Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Thank you for posting this. I am going over to my mom's house now (well, actually I'm postponing my departure by reading this board) and needed to know that other people are dealing with difficult multi-generational things too! I will try to breathe deeply and listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I wonder if it is a product of them living by themselves. My mom is alone too. And when I call, all she does is talk about herself and what she thinks about everything. :iagree: OP, perhaps your mother's world is too small. E.g. if she had a dear friend who was overweight, she might not be such a prig about weight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Structured activities is a great idea. Maybe start a new hobby together? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 :iagree: OP, perhaps your mother's world is too small. E.g. if she had a dear friend who was overweight, she might not be such a prig about weight. Definitely her world is too small. But she is not going to make it bigger on my advice. She's is sort of selective about who she spends time with, and wouldn't consider joining a club or gym or anything like that. She does have a couple of friends who fight their weight, and she would never be mean to them about it. It just annoys me that she is so focused on it. She saw a friend of mine that I grew up with today and called to tell me, and it was all about how big she has gotten. It makes me soooo uncomfortable that her idea of "news" is commenting on another woman's body. Probably it doesn't help that I have gained a little. I am not fat, but with her for a mother, you feel fat, iykwim. It's not just that she has contempt for the weight itself - she has contempt for liking food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 would give her hives, lol. I'm not much of a hobby person myself. But I do think you are right that a shared activity would be good. We both hate shopping and crafts. I don't really have time to devote to longer things like watching movies together. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Oh. My. GOSH! I could have written this verbatim! I'm almost laughing because it's so true! My mom was just here for a week and I needed a bottle of wine and three days in bed to recover. ***OK, I just cut out the body of my message because I realized it was way too personal. I can totally relate though!!! Feel free to PM me all the ugly details. I need commiseration:) Seriously, though, I am getting the feeling that what I am experiencing isn't all that uncommon. It's sad, though, isn't? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 because every time you roll your eyes or inwardly plug your ears, you will pay for it with hours of vague dissatisfaction, self loathing and guilt later. Let me serve as an example:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 She does have a couple of friends who fight their weight, and she would never be mean to them about it. It just annoys me that she is so focused on it. Could she stand a pet? Many older people thrive with something to care for. Would she garden with you? My mother and I were on good enough terms I could have told her focusing on HER thinness was boorish. She might give me a "look", but she'd forgive me and act on it. I so rarely "said" anything to her about such things (and vice versa), she really took them to heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Could she stand a pet? Many older people thrive with something to care for. Would she garden with you? My mother and I were on good enough terms I could have told her focusing on HER thinness was boorish. She might give me a "look", but she'd forgive me and act on it. I so rarely "said" anything to her about such things (and vice versa), she really took them to heart. She does have an adorable dog who is very good company. I have told her in the past that I didn't think she she share certain things people have told her. I don't think I used the word "gossip" but the point was made. She is a pretty dignified person with an excellent filter in general, so I think it surprised her, but alas, it didn't stop. Part of it is that now that my Dad is dead, she does't have someone to talk to about "women's issues" (my joking phrase for talking about other people's marriage, divorces, conflicts, etc). I can talk to my husband about the neighbors in a way that it would be inexcusable gossip to talk with anyone else. I think I sort of fulfill that role for my Mom, I just don't really want to. I don't want to agree with negative observations, and I don't want to argue with my mother. I need to just change the subject, I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) My Mom is a good and generous person. She does have many anxious moments, and that's not easy to field. She does try to manage that when speaking with me, yet she is often worried about our salvation. I know that wears on her heart. I try to be gentle, and I go to her church for Mother's Day, and special speakers when she asks. I will never be the religious person she prays for, and that does make me sad-- for her. I try to respect her concerns, as I know she truly does worry. In the end, my mother is a very helpful person. Very supportive. Will do anything she is able to do to help. She wasn't a 'worrier' like this when I was a child, so I have great patience, as I know she is searching for the meaning of life. She loves my kids, and brings them things she knows they will enjoy. Art supplies for the artist, thread and needles, and a sewing machine for my doll -maker and dancer. Still, conversations can be exhausting. Thankfully, she has missions: food banks, clothing banks etc. She does feel she is helping others, although I know she is sad her kids haven't 'been saved'. I truly wish I could settle her heart on that one, but we can't. All in all, she is a wonderful, loving mother, who prays for us. I always tell her I appreciate her prayers. Edited June 30, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 trying to understand your Mom and appreciate the good things she brings to your life. Thank you for sharing that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Depending on how old your mom is, it could be just a function of age. It seems there is a certain level of narcissism (different, of course, than the NPD that many of us deal with in our mothers) creeps in during the elder years. I can't remember if it's related to dementia or not, but it's like their social filter just falls off. :iagree: I have noticed this some changes in my mom and aunt. My aunt has become more critical (which I would have thought impossible.:tongue_smilie:) and more OCD (I see hoarding tendencies creeping in) and my mom a bit more obsessive about things and worried over dates and times (Really, like freaking out over things a year in advance). Age seems to hyper focus some traits. I wouldn't worry. Just smile and remember we all get older. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Well, if she likes describing people's lives in detail, has your family genealogy been "done?" Think of the wild wild field day you two could have with that one! Lord she'd probably LOVE it! Home videos for the grandkids, talking all about their family tree, who was in it, and who did what and when. She could even dress up for it! Maybe share / show some family recipes & stuff. My mother loved telling colorful stories about folks no longer around... :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Depending on how old your mom is, it could be just a function of age. It seems there is a certain level of narcissism (different, of course, than the NPD that many of us deal with in our mothers) creeps in during the elder years. I can't remember if it's related to dementia or not, but it's like their social filter just falls off. Does anyone know whether it's related to dementia or is it just an unpleasant thing that happens to some people as they age? This thread has been really interesting to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 :iagree: OP, perhaps your mother's world is too small. E.g. if she had a dear friend who was overweight, she might not be such a prig about weight. I've also wondered whether part of it is living alone--not loneliness and not a small world, but just never having to accommodate anyone else who is "in your space" as opposed to at a short-lived social function. My mother has many, many friends, an abundance of social engagements, and 3 pets, but shares traits of the OPs description of her mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Definitely her world is too small. But she is not going to make it bigger on my advice. She's is sort of selective about who she spends time with, and wouldn't consider joining a club or gym or anything like that. She does have a couple of friends who fight their weight, and she would never be mean to them about it. It just annoys me that she is so focused on it. She saw a friend of mine that I grew up with today and called to tell me, and it was all about how big she has gotten. It makes me soooo uncomfortable that her idea of "news" is commenting on another woman's body. Probably it doesn't help that I have gained a little. I am not fat, but with her for a mother, you feel fat, iykwim. It's not just that she has contempt for the weight itself - she has contempt for liking food. :iagree:I completely identify with this, only it's my MIL. She is obsessive about her own weight, and body size is the first thing she notices and discusses about ANYONE, friend or foe. She is not afraid to comment - ask me how I know. :glare: It's so discouraging. It seems to me that most of the time people become more intensely "themselves" as they get older, particularly if their worlds are getting smaller and they have less and less to counter their natural self-centeredness. Sometimes this can be a mighty negative experience, and it's hard to talk about it directly to her because...well, how? Basically, it's like saying, "Hey, old dog, get some new tricks." :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 :It seems to me that most of the time people become more intensely "themselves" as they get older, particularly if their worlds are getting smaller and they have less and less to counter their natural self-centeredness. : Now that's a scary thought when I think about the self-centeredness I dislike in myself now. What if I stop fighting it when I get older? ugh. How does one put guards in place so that that doesn't happen? hmm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) I have wondered if the self-centeredness kicks in when the youngest child reaches a certain age, or the mother reaches a number of years of being in the parenting trenches and being focused on children, and then decides it's time to focus on herself ? Or just runs out of steam and some instinctive drive to put herself first takes over ? I am the youngest by 8 years. I do not know at what point some mothers reach this state in other families. I only know when mine did. There is a catalog I occasionally get (I have no idea why) called Soft Surroundings. Their target customer appears to be late mid-lifers. Their slogan is something like, "my time, my place, my self." To me this completely sums up the attitude of many women of this age group that I have met. I really, really want to avoid becoming this. It feels like they resent all the years they spent caring for others and are trying to make up for lost time. Edited July 2, 2012 by laundrycrisis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 I've always heard that as people age, the traits that make them "themselves" intensify. If they're normally shy, they become more shy. If they're proud, they become more proud. It takes a lot of willpower to change one's natural traits. It can be done, of course, but old age isn't an easy time to work on it. This thread is playing into one of my big fears: that I will become unlovable as I get older, and no one will want to be around me. My kids will groan at the thought of visiting me, and my grandkids will dread seeing me. Even my best efforts to be nice will be ridiculed. I'd rather die than have that happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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