Help with teenager, please!

[PiCO]

I can't believe I'm asking for help on this one- she's only been trouble for about 2 months when she was 16.

 

She just graduated from high school. She's planning to take a gap year and get a job in the hospitality industry- hopefully on a cruise ship. When we were at breakfast with a family friend, when asked what her plans were, she said she was going to start looking for a job "in the fall or maybe next spring."

 

WHAT!?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? You're planning to hang out and play with your high school buddies (who are all starting college in the fall,) and not even look for a job until maybe next SPRING!?!?!?!?

 

Excuse me, but you need to have a job by the fall, or you're going to one of the colleges that accepted you.

 

We had a brief discussion about this, but not much. I was planning to discuss it further tomorrow, as I am super busy at work.

 

Fast forward to this evening... I host a party for my staff at a local restaurant, as we just finished up an important project. I told her a week ago she was expected to go, because she works for me (minimally) and this was my dinner plan for tonight. I told her what time we were going. When it was time to go, she acted surprised- "oh, I thought it was optional..." Well not for you sweetheart. I told her she was going to drive there, because I was going to have a glass of wine or two. She dug in her heels. I told her she could come later, and I got a ride with an employee.

 

Dd shows up with an attitude, and sits down next to me, pulls a book out of her purse, and proceeds to start reading. I told her if she's going to read, she should sit at another table because I need to socialize with my staff.

 

She sat by herself and read the entire evening. Near the end of the night, she stomped over to me and said, "I'm leaving. You can call me when you're ready to go." And left. I just got a ride home when the event was over 20 minutes later.

 

I got numerous comments from my staff, many of whom are dd's age or younger. I am so mad at her for being such a stick in the mud and drawing attention to herself in the process. I know I made it clear to her a week ago that she was expected to go to this event, but I did not make it clear that she was expected to be social- BUT she is an extrovert and I am an introvert, so I didn't think it would be a problem for her.

 

So my question is- how should I address these issues with her? 1. She needs to do something, it's not OK for her to live at home and free load if she's not working or going to school. 2. She needs to get a job that's not working for me, so she has actual work experience. 3. Her behavior tonight was unacceptable, especially because it affects my (the family's) ability to produce an income.

 

I'm really mad right now, so I need to calm down... any advise is welcome!

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

Sorry for the difficulty you are having.

 

My oldest will be 17 in July. She was recently giving me a hard time.

 

I gave her some hard choices. One was to move out ASAP.

 

She is now enrolled in the local community college, is volunteering and is actively looking for a part-time job. You may need to have a similar tough love talk and be ready to stick to your ultimatum. :grouphug:

[Sophia]

 

She needs to do something, it's not OK for her to live at home and free load if she's not working or going to school.

 

:grouphug:

Did she know this before this happened? Kids make assumptions sometimes, and what seems obvious to you and me may not be so obvious to them.:001_rolleyes:

 

My oldest has been extremely ambivalent about future plans all year. Enough so that I felt I needed to be blunt~if he's not going to school, he will be out of the house by 8 a.m. every morning at his job, or out looking for a job or tackling the endless honey do list for dh. What he won't be doing is sleeping in and living a rock star life; not in our house, anyway.

 

It worked; he's got two jobs for the summer, but I have no doubt that if I hadn't made expectations clear well ahead of time, he'd be sleeping in and talking about finding a job someday. :tongue_smilie:

[AuntieM]

Hmmm. As far as the dinner behavior, I would "write her up" as management would do with an insubordinate employee, and probably dock her paycheck. If the proper opportunity presented itself, I would share some coworker's comments with her and try to help her understand that though she was trying to dig into you, her behavior only injured herself and her own reputation. She might be needing references on a job application some day and she needs to give her coworkers reasons to vouch for her in the future.

 

At home, I'd prepare a housing agreement/contract that spells out responsibilities (chores), privileges (meals and use of appliances such as the washer & dryer) and rent (yeah, I'd make her pay). She can agree to your terms or look for a better arrangement elsewhere.

[ChristyB in TN]

:grouphug:

 

Sorry for the difficulty you are having.

 

My oldest will be 17 in July. She was recently giving me a hard time.

 

I gave her some hard choices. One was to move out ASAP.

 

She is now enrolled in the local community college, is volunteering and is actively looking for a part-time job. You may need to have a similar tough love talk and be ready to stick to your ultimatum. :grouphug:

 

This. I have a soon to be 17 year old and a soon to be 19 year old. I can totally see your scenario happening. She needs the new, almost adult program laid out for her because she isn't ready to form one on her own. She should be taking classes this summer, working part time and volunteering a little. No options. A little labor makes that attitude go away. Sorry your party was stressful, hope you enjoyed your vino and staff a little!

Edited June 1, 2012 by Mad Charity

[Mommyfaithe]

Kids that age are big fat stupid heads. I am serious. It seems they go back to toddlerhood when they assert their independence. Problem is they can drive, get pregnant, do drugs etc.......AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Just when you think you are out of the woods......thick forest!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Pretty much, you have to bluntly and unemotionally lay out the deal....and stick to your guns. My deal is and was.....their choice: full-time school with a part time job, Or part time school with full-time job. No either/or. This is their time of life to bust their @SS. And bust it they will. The last thing I want is 30 year old kids without a job, or a focus in life.

Certification programs are great if child does not want college. My 17 year old son is working full time now....and taking lots of trade school classes and cert. Programs. Dd did the same before college in a different field.

All my kids went through a jerk phase at 18/19....they do grow out of it if you don't let them profit a thing from it.

 

Love them through it.....but don't contribute to the stupidity. They learn faster then.

:grouphug::grouphug:

Faithe

[ma23peas]

I get it. Pretty simple psychology...you criticized her 'plans'...thereby (in her mind) taking no time to question her reasoning or valuing her decision...you dissed her. Then, it was not entirely clear to her that she was supposed to go, but you compounded it by belttling her purpose and value as an employee by saying you wanted to drink so the bigger purpose (in her mind) was to provide you a ride home. In her mind, you dissed her again. I know this was not your intention, but you would never tell an 'employee' that they had to come to give you a ride home...it would have shown some measure of value/respect for you to tell her you valued her there as a member of the team and you would not drink or find another ride home. I would start by acknowledging your shortcomings and it might give her the courage to acknowledge her own.

[MamaT]

Kids that age are big fat stupid heads. I am serious. It seems they go back to toddlerhood when they assert their independence. Problem is they can drive, get pregnant, do drugs etc.......AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Just when you think you are out of the woods......thick forest!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Pretty much, you have to bluntly and unemotionally lay out the deal....and stick to your guns. My deal is and was.....their choice: full-time school with a part time job, Or part time school with full-time job. No either/or. This is their time of life to bust their @SS. And bust it they will. The last thing I want is 30 year old kids without a job, or a focus in life.

Certification programs are great if child does not want college. My 17 year old son is working full time now....and taking lots of trade school classes and cert. Programs. Dd did the same before college in a different field.

All my kids went through a jerk phase at 18/19....they do grow out of it if you don't let them profit a thing from it.

 

Love them through it.....but don't contribute to the stupidity. They learn faster then.

:grouphug::grouphug:

Faithe

 

I totally agree with Faithe. I think 18-25 are the most difficult years to parent. A big mistake at this age can have lifetime baggage. My kids know it is school or work as long as they are under our roof. Make your expectations clear and stick to your guns.

[Haiku]

Hand her the apartment guide. Tell her that if she's going to behave like a spoiled brat, she can do it in her own place, on her own dime. Tell her she has a week to notify you of where she will be living, and that if she chooses to remain living under your roof, she will shape up right quick.

 

Remind her that she made an @$$ of herself and embarrassed you at your dinner function, and ask for her for her written plan on how she will atone for this. Give her 36 hours to complete it.

 

I don't brook spoiled-brat young adults. I have one of my own. I'm tough on it. She improved a lot during a four-month grounding. :)

 

Tara

[Chris in VA]

Our situation is vastly different from yours, but one thing I'd like to mention--

 

I've come across several kiddos who don't seem to understand how the concept of "home" changes when you graduate. I think there have been several threads about this, but basically, they have trouble absorbing the idea that their childhood home is not really where they are going to be forever. IOW, they no longer have the luxury of security in a place and need to get their own place or make other plans. If they stay, they need to work or go to school full time (or whatever you say--volunteer part time, work and school, etc). YOU are no longer obligated to provide for her. That's so weird to them! And to us, really. It's the kicked out of the nest thing--the nest of childhood is not where a grown-up makes a home. It will always be "home" to some, but a childhood home, not their full-time, everyday, home-home.

 

Does that even make sense?:lol:

 

By saying she would like to wait until maybe the spring to get a job tells me she is just very secure in her childhood home, and maybe it's time to start telling her the very basic but rather scary (or exciting, depending on your spin and her take) truth that it's time for her to grow up.

[Tammyla]

I would treat the two things separately.

 

Deal with the work/employee issue as you would any other employee.

[kroe1]

He who has the gold rules. That would be you. Explain that if she pulls that heinous behavior again, and leaves you hanging, she will have to move. In the meantime, throw all of her stuff in the garage and let her sleep out there.

 

I take no prisoners at my house. Older kiddos must behave or they must move out. The oldest got kicked out at age 18. He's now a physician and doing fine. Tough love is hard to digest, but for us it works best.

 

:grouphug:

[PiCO]

Thank you for all the advice, everyone! I feel a little better after sleeping on it. She is still sleeping...

 

To answer some of your questions:

 

I have been clear with her (since she was 12...) that she must support herself or be in college full time after she was 18 & a high school graduate. That's why this threw me for such a loop.

 

Ma23peas, you have a good point. I did end up getting my own ride both ways, but I should have made it clear to dd that she was my ride.

 

I'm not going to write her up as an employee, because employees were not required to go. I required her to go as part of the ownership team... it's a family business. I did tell her that last week, but I did not spell out the requirements. She has attended these events before, and behaved well and had fun, so I didn't think it was going to be a problem. She was my designated driver last year as well.

 

It's not like I'm a big drinker- I had 2 glasses of wine over 2 hours, so legally I could have driven myself. I just wanted to be a good example for the young people who work for me. That didn't work out!

 

 

I think I'll have a meeting with her and discuss what living at home for the summer as an adult will entail. (Chores, part-time work outside the family business, working in the business, family time.) I will explain how "home" has changed now. I will explain that as of September she will need to be attending college full time or working full time, and moving out of her childhood home. And I will apologize for not asking her to be my driver.

 

Any additional advice is welcome!