How do I deal with this...

[Tsutsie]

I've started this post many times - always closing the window and then moving on to reading the "General" thread.

I've posted on this a few times before, and people just don't get what I'm trying to say, or more likely, I'm not clear in my explanation. So please bear with me as I try and explain (and understand).

Maybe you guys will GET it.

 

My son came out screaming and demanding attention from the get go. But a different kind of attention than just "feed me", etc. I have NEVER, NEVER been able to find something that will hold his attention for more than a little while. Some kids are into lego, some love puzzles or trains - we have nothing. Never have. Right now my son likes Chemistry, but I'm already noticing that his interest is waining after, out of desperation, I've indulged him, bought books, kits, done experiments, talked, watched movies, etc. It always goes like that - he shows a slight interest in something, I get excited and "help" him, he loses interest. I get excited because I want him to LIKE something. ANYTHING!

And so goes - being it as 1 year old showing a slight interest in Thomas the Tank Engine, a 3 year old enjoying books about space (for a week or so) or a 7 year old loving the periodic table.

 

How do I figure this out? How can I get him to enjoy and be passionate about something? He does not play ANY regular little boy toys. He collects lightsabers - but does not play with it.

 

He does his schoolwork, but does not enjoy any of it. Nothing makes his eyes sparkle or get him excited. I have spent THOUSANDS on various curriculum, books, games, etc. - just to see him actually enjoy learning.

 

Now, at a little guy, not even 7 and a half yet, he struggles with questions like:

Why am I here?

Why am I alive?

Why did God make me?

Can't I just die now and go to heaven?

Why do people kill each other?

How can I be happy?

 

It breaks my heart to hear these questions coming from my son. He is not the dark and brooding type (not yet, anyway), but like any other parent, I want him to be happy.

 

And sometimes, when he, Oh My, fails at a task, he will say: "I wish I can just kill myself!"

 

He is not depressed - so I'm guessing it is a way to manipulate me? We have seen a psychologist when we had him tested. They also checked for anxiety, add, etc. All came out fine. Anxiety was elevated, but not to clinical levels. Yet.

 

On the other boards people look at my signature and freak out because I'm doing all that with a 7 year old. BUT HE WANTS TO DO NOTHING ELSE. At least, if we do school for many hours a day, he does SOMETHING. Otherwise, I'm sure he will just sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling, jump on the trampoline or play the piano.

So my irl friends' first reaction (when I'm just trying to explain - before I even get to the details like I did here) is that I'm pushing him, doing to much, or expecting to much. They say this while their kids are enjoying all his toys and he is freaking out because they are messing up his room. While their kids are playing imaginative, creative games, and he is moping because no one wants to play with him. (Not that he knows WHAT to play.)

 

People told me to just leave him when he cries, as babies need to learn to entertain themselves. Pppffftt - I did it for a day, a week, a month. We were all just miserable. I have read many parenting books, websites, etc. on how to get your child to entertain themselves - to no avail. It does not work for this kid.

 

So I keep him busy, by doing school mostly, as it takes the least effort. The rest of the day he just is. Unless we have some friends over - then he will at least try and interact. Of late, that has been going south more frequent.

 

GAI = 151 - so, from what I've googled, that is high, but not profoundly gifted to the point where people should have so many issues in terms of interaction with others, difficult questions, depression, etc. Right?

 

WAIT = 99th percentile - so he is doing as expected for a child of his abilities - I'm not the mean mom who is making my average kid performing above expected outcomes.

 

I don't know how to answer questions like: "Why am I on this earth, what is reason I'm alive?", in a way a 7 year old can understand. To be honest, I can barely answer these for myself.

 

I don't know how to make him happy.

I don't know how to engage him.

I don't know how he learns.

I don't know how to answer his questions.

I don't know how to deal with his growing anxiety issues.

I don't know how to get him excited about anything which requires some effort from his side.

 

I feel lost at what to do. Our local gifted school is so full, that they are not even accepting students on their wait list any more. The private schools, at $15K+ is out of the question. I can not imagine him in grade 2 next year, with is age peers.

 

I CAN NOT imagine continuing like this for much longer. I don't think I can do right by this little guy. In the mean time, I am failing my amazing little girl as I struggle in dealing with her brother. It's not fair.

She deserves more than his leftovers.

 

Can someone please offer me some advise. *Tearful plea!*

[JenneinCA]

I have been in a similar place. It is mind boggling and extremely hard.

 

First off, trust yourself. You are doing the best job of being your son's Mom you possibly can. Try to be kind to yourself. Really.

 

Next, find someone you can talk to. If you can find a counselor who gets gifted kids call them. Call whoever did the testing and get a recommendation for someone if you don't have any other leads. You need somewhere safe to talk about your child.

 

You are not pushing him. You are trying to keep up while he is pulling you along. You are not doing anything wrong. Believe in yourself.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. It is hard. It is crazy hard. The intensity is impossible. The questions are sometimes unanswerable. And the fear of not being good enough overwhelming. I can only tell you that you are the best person to be his Mom out there. You care more than anyone else (except maybe Dad).

 

Keep on keeping on.

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug: Does he really like playing the piano? You said he'd be doing that without schoolwork assigned.

[Tsutsie]

Does he really like playing the piano?

 

For now. Most likely will not last long.

[Purple Cat]

When my DS was five, he seemed very unhappy following several very stressful situations and major changes. I took him to a child psychologist, thinking I wanted to help him feel happier and learn what I could do to assist him in feeling better. I was glad I did, and would encourage you to do the same.

 

Despite the obvious stressors, the child psychologist identified him as gifted and reframed many issues as gifted-related. She provided suggestions on how to deal with some situations. You also may wish to look at SENG, which I believe stands for Supporting Emotional Needs of Gifted Children.

 

My son is much happier now, and I have found the gifted/sensory processing disorder/overexcitables framework helpful in managing him and our life.

[3Blessings]

I assume that you've spoken with your medical doctor . . . and it sounds like you have tried all sorts of other things. I was wondering a few things so I'll ask them, but I pray that you will see them as they are meant- gentle, thoughtful possibilities.

 

I wonder what he feels like when you buy him everything he wants and indulge his not-long-lived whims? I am asking this gently- it is not meant to be judgmental. I really wonder . . . does he change and become a happier child? If so, how long does that last? Have you asked him what he feels like? I wonder if he still feels sad/bad, etc.?

 

I wonder what he would be like if you made him stay with the piano? You said he is probably going to give that up soon . . . what about requiring that he stick with it. All the while you can praise him for his efforts- even when it isn't fun or easy.

 

I also wonder if you should take him back to get a second opinion? I know you said he isn't depressed, but the things that he is thinking about/saying tell a different story.

 

Again, I hope that this has been helpful. I certainly don't have all the answers. Those were just things that came to my mind right away. I pray that you do find a solution! :grouphug:

[PhotoGal]

What's wrong with staring at the ceiling? (or jumping on the trampoline? or playing piano?)

 

He is only 7. He doesn't have to find his passion yet. That isn't to say that you shouldn't expect him to have interests, but he doesn't have to be "into" anything. That is okay. :D

 

I also wonder if some of your enthusiasm is turning him off of things. If you buy him things or gather things for him, it starts to become your thing instead of his. Imagine you were mildly interested in something - let's say knitting. And you had a friend who started buying you yarn and big stacks of books and talking to you about the origin of different yarns and asking you to write papers about it and go to yarn museums and do experiments with yarn and try all these different kinds of needles to compare and contrast scientifically, etc. etc. (Yes, I'm totally exaggerating here!). Anyway, do you see how you might get a little overwhelmed and feel like "oh, never mind!" :001_smile:

 

I guess what I am saying is let him drive his own interests. It is okay if he drops some. Let him try a lot of things until he finds something that he wants to pursue. Let him be the one to try things, beg you to get him a book on it, and so on. I promise he won't stare at the ceiling forever. :D

[Crimson Wife]

I also wonder if you should take him back to get a second opinion? I know you said he isn't depressed, but the things that he is thinking about/saying tell a different story.

 

:iagree:The things you're describing totally sound like someone who is clinically depressed.

[Mommyfaithe]

Yeah, this sounds very much like some of my kids...especially my gifted ones. Once they have put together the 500 piece puzzle, why would they want to do it again? That is boring. If they already memorized their times tables, why do they want to do them again every.single.day?

 

Challenging them, and teaching them to follow through is more than difficult.

 

Mamma...you gotta choose your battles!

 

I notice when I get all into whatever my kids are trying to explore, I think they feel steam rolled. It is ok to wait it out and allow the child to ASK for something. Demands should be schoolwork, chores, and a general respectful attitude. Extras are negotiable. Even though your child is gifted...especially if your child is gifted...it may be best to stand back a bit and allow interests to develop...rather than jumping in and providing all that is necessary.

 

One other thought. When ds expresses another interest, encourage him to find a way to EARN it. My kids used to help me weed the garden in turn for meet kitty ( swimming) money. Having a vested interest in their own interest helped them focus and excel. If it was handed to Them, they would not have OWNED it....It would have belonged to me....

[Kathy G]

Been there. My son had these questions too...Who made God? What is gravity? etc.

 

He jumped from interests too but it has gotten better. He wasn't depressed. We hung in there, knowing no school would help. We kept the challenge up- had to he would have hated life without it- and (most importantly for him) made sure he had LOTS of physical activity too. He has found his passion now. Adding structure to his day helped too. Lots of talks about questions that may not always be able to be answered. We encouraged him to read to see if he could find answers too.

 

At 13 he doesn't have an intellectual peer his age but is comfortable with seeking out adult conversations on the topics that interest him. There are still many unanswered questions, but he is more comfortable with that.

 

The other thing that helped was making him realize it doesn't have to be up to him to have all the answers.

 

Each child is different. If you are worried about depression see someone. However, make sure it is someone well versed with gifted kids. I am a doc and have seen several kids diagnosed with a psychological condition that simply needed some challenge and were "cured"

[Runningmom80]

I just wanted to point out that a GAI of 151 IS profoundly gifted, at least according to davidson, hoagies, etc. I definitely second the recommendation to check out the SENG website.

[boscopup]

The questions sound exactly like what I get to hear from my 5.5 year old all day long, except he isn't having thoughts about killing himself or anything. He does ask a LOT of deep questions. Yesterday, he asked if we would fall off the earth if the sun disappeared. Other days he has asked why God made us real. Last year, he asked when the last day of the world would be. Sometimes his questions do sound deep and dark, but he's not dark - he's just trying to figure out the world, and sometimes he's probably a little anxious about things. Like he will ask when our house will be destroyed. In the last couple years, there have been multiple long track tornadoes coming through the area, and we have to drive by the damage almost every time we go somewhere - some of it from the April 27 tornadoes over a year ago now. Then we had a garage fire (detached, thankfully) a month ago. So I think he's wondering if tornado or fire will get the house too. It's hard to talk about this stuff, because yes, in an adult it would sound like they were in a really dark place, but in a 5 year old, he's just trying to figure out the world and maybe process some events he has experienced in his short life.

 

No idea on how to help your son, but :grouphug:.

[MomatHWTK]

I'm thinking, with regard to my own child, that a solid IQ plus attention span, processing or focussing difficulties causes a lot of the boredom/lack of interest problems. My son has been tested and ADHD among other issues came up in the results. It's hard to balance the need for constant input with the inability to stay focussed on the input. :tongue_smilie:

[Tsutsie]

Thank you all for your replies. It really means a lot to me that I can come here and share while disclosing the gifted issues which MIGHT be a factor.

[Sue Bee]

 

Why am I here?

Why am I alive?

Why did God make me?

Can't I just die now and go to heaven?

Why do people kill each other?

How can I be happy?

 

GAI = 151 - so, from what I've googled, that is high, but not profoundly gifted to the point where people should have so many issues in terms of interaction with others, difficult questions, depression, etc. Right?

 

 

 

I would concur that 151 is considered profoundly gifted. The "social disconnect" -- the deep, strong feeling of being just *different* all the time can take over kids with scores not even as high as that. Looking up SENG is a good suggestion, as is the encouragement to seek a second opinion about depression. I've read some excellent books lately on these issues; PM me if you're interested.

 

Take heart -- you are not walking an easy road.

[quark]

I've started this post many times - always closing the window and then moving on to reading the "General" thread.

I've posted on this a few times before, and people just don't get what I'm trying to say, or more likely, I'm not clear in my explanation. So please bear with me as I try and explain (and understand).

Maybe you guys will GET it.

 

I write such posts then go back and delete them due to various reasons so kudos to you for being brave enough to post and keep it here. :001_smile:

 

Some kids are into lego, some love puzzles or trains - we have nothing. Never have. Right now my son likes Chemistry, but I'm already noticing that his interest is waining after, out of desperation, I've indulged him, bought books, kits, done experiments, talked, watched movies, etc. It always goes like that - he shows a slight interest in something, I get excited and "help" him, he loses interest. I get excited because I want him to LIKE something. ANYTHING!

My son was the same. Not into lego or cars or trains or planes or Star Wars or anything remotely popular that other kids get into. He *was* into rubber bands and plastic straws and little slips of paper (which has now developed into a passion for origami, found out by accident that he really likes it). The maturity and focus and just the overall "light bulb turning on" effect that came with him turning 9 was such a pleasant surprise.

 

He does his schoolwork, but does not enjoy any of it. Nothing makes his eyes sparkle or get him excited. I have spent THOUSANDS on various curriculum, books, games, etc. - just to see him actually enjoy learning.

I agree that buying so many things could be overkill. I did the same and gradually began selling some of the stuff or giving them away. There's a book called Simplicity Parenting that might help in this regard (your library might have it). The lifestyle of excess wasn't good for my son although my intentions were noble (ok, I do admit to being a curriculum junkie too).

 

Now, at a little guy, not even 7 and a half yet, he struggles with questions like:

Why am I here?

Why am I alive?

Why did God make me?

Can't I just die now and go to heaven?

Why do people kill each other?

How can I be happy?

 

It breaks my heart to hear these questions coming from my son. He is not the dark and brooding type (not yet, anyway), but like any other parent, I want him to be happy.

 

And sometimes, when he, Oh My, fails at a task, he will say: "I wish I can just kill myself!"

 

He is not depressed - so I'm guessing it is a way to manipulate me? We have seen a psychologist when we had him tested. They also checked for anxiety, add, etc. All came out fine. Anxiety was elevated, but not to clinical levels. Yet.

I have a theory that your son is a highly sensitive child who parallel processes all the things happening around him to an extent that he may just not be ready to handle the implications. A sort of a maturity issue. Asynchronous in sensitivity vs maturity, just not able to handle it yet sort of thing. I wonder this because I used to be a little like this but I didn't have anyone to talk to about it as a child. My son seems to be following in my footsteps and he knows he can talk to me about it so every day I listen to stuff like:

 

"Is it okay that I said '.....' to my friend?"

"Am I a bad person? I worry I'm going to be evil" (he's such a conscientious guy, I can't see this happening!)

"I wish I hadn't smiled at that girl in the park when she was crying, now she will think I was laughing at her, and I don't know where she lives so I can't go and apologize"

"I accidentally said 'you're hopeless' to my friend. Do you think he secretly hates me?" (um, no, because he laughed it off and I saw you when you said it and it didn't look even remotely as if you meant it in a bad way)

Like a broken record. Every day I have to comfort him about these things and it drives me crazy sometimes.

 

People told me to just leave him when he cries, as babies need to learn to entertain themselves. Pppffftt - I did it for a day, a week, a month. We were all just miserable. I have read many parenting books, websites, etc. on how to get your child to entertain themselves - to no avail. It does not work for this kid.

People don't have your kid.

 

So I keep him busy, by doing school mostly, as it takes the least effort. The rest of the day he just is. Unless we have some friends over - then he will at least try and interact. Of late, that has been going south more frequent.

I have decided to keep my son busy for the same reason. It goes against every fiber of my being to give him more things to do but that's what works right now. Nobody knows your situation like you do and you have to do whatever it takes. Just keep trying. Keep surrounding him with friends if that's what works. Consider group classes if that will help. Play some light music in the background while he's doing his work.

 

I don't know how to make him happy.

I don't know how to engage him.

I don't know how he learns.

I don't know how to answer his questions. You don't have to answer his questions. You can learn the answers together. You can say, "I think this is why this is and if it's about why God put him on earth, you could say, "I'm not really sure but I think there's a really good plan for you and maybe you are going to change someone's life for the better..." or something like that. Transferring the focus away from him and towards helping someone else, maybe that will help in some way?

I don't know how to deal with his growing anxiety issues.

I don't know how to get him excited about anything which requires some effort from his side.

 

But you will know more in about 2 years. Maybe less than that. It takes time to understand these kids and all I know to say is to keep watching him, learning from him and keeping him close. If he likes cuddling and reading with you, do that. If you think taking a walk will help clear his head and yours, do it. In fact these are some of the things that work for us right now. To drop everything else and just cuddle and read. Or to put on our walking shoes and take a brisk walk outside. Or dance to some lively music.

 

Or just let go and be. It can be incredibly freeing to not have expectations of your son or yourself for a few days.

 

Sometimes I will ask my son to teach me or explain his passions and interests to me. It helps him to see me take interest in those things even when I don't understand half of it.

 

I CAN NOT imagine continuing like this for much longer. I don't think I can do right by this little guy. In the mean time, I am failing my amazing little girl as I struggle in dealing with her brother. It's not fair.

She deserves more than his leftovers.

 

I'm not sure what to say because I have an only child but I don't think you can make your daughter happy if you are stressed about your son. Perhaps involve her (if appropriate) in your strategy to comfort your son?

 

All the very best. I really hope it works out well and you find answers soon! :grouphug:

 

ETA: Please don't forget to take care of yourself. Nothing productive will be achieved if you are constantly tired, worried and stressed.

 

ETA 2: Just saw your latest post. I think in your son's case the giftedness has a lot to do with it.

[quark]

ycoetzee, apart from my novella of a post, I also sent you a PM with hopefully helpful info.

[lewelma]

First, deep breath. You will NOT ruin your child. You are clearly a caring mother who wants the best for both of your children. We are all very lucky that on this board many will "get it." There are some very wise and compassionate parents here with advice to give. Do not be afraid.

 

First of all, I think you are confounding a few different things.

1) There is a chance that your son is on his way to developing anxiety issues. I think it would be a good idea to work through a psychologist to give you some piece of mind. My younger is similar to your boy. And I have had to explicitly tell him that his "gift" of empathy is a wonderful thing to have as an adult, but difficult for a child. He 'sees' everything about everyone and thinks that others notice the same type of thing in him which makes him fearful of being judged. We discuss it a lot. And I am working on having him get more and more comfortable in social situations simply through practice. I have also read up on social anxiety disorder.

 

2) Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think that YOU have some issues with your son's abilities. And in your desire to help, you may be overdoing it. So he flips from thing to thing. So? So he has no passion. So? I tell people that my older son "does 'nothing' very poorly." He must always have something to do. I have found that an instrument is very helpful. So are crafts, art, MATH books, exercise, documentaries, discussions, cooking, etc. Variety is key. Keeping him busy is key. But he is not self-directed. In fact, neither of my boys are. I give them things to do. And they have learned that if they tell me they are bored, I quite happily set them to washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom.

 

I have NEVER, NEVER been able to find something that will hold his attention for more than a little while.

So he is a generalist. This is ok. Variety is ok. lack of passion is ok. He likes a little bit of this and a little bit of that. This is ok. Don't worry. If you are a planner, plan "sampler" units. Cover a different science every month. Do a different writing program every month. I have so BTDT!!! My older boy NEEDS stimulation, so I rotate. A LOT.

 

How do I figure this out? How can I get him to enjoy and be passionate about something? He does not play ANY regular little boy toys. He collects lightsabers - but does not play with it.

Little boy toys are boring. If he likes to collect and you have space. Let him. Teach him how to organize his lightsabers. Have him develop a new display every week. Have him label what he has. Have him evaluate his layout and improve. Have him bring the grandparents in to admire his collections. whatever. JUST.HAVE.FUN.

 

He does his schoolwork, but does not enjoy any of it. Nothing makes his eyes sparkle or get him excited.

Not all kids do. Stop spending money. Tell him that he has to do 2 hours of the 3Rs whether he likes it or not. And tell him you expect a good attitude. Then let him occupy himself. I have a friend with very gifted kids who believes in "benign neglect" and her kids are more independent and passionate than mine. She just steps back.

 

Now, at a little guy, not even 7 and a half yet, he struggles with questions like:

Why am I here?

Why am I alive?

Why did God make me?

Can't I just die now and go to heaven?

Why do people kill each other?

How can I be happy?

 

It breaks my heart to hear these questions coming from my son. He is not the dark and brooding type (not yet, anyway), but like any other parent, I want him to be happy.

You need to meet him where he is. You need to have conversations about these questions. If he needs to ask these questions, then you need to discuss them with him. Do not be afraid. He is normal for him.

 

And sometimes, when he, Oh My, fails at a task, he will say: "I wish I can just kill myself!"

You need to deal with the perfectionism. There are lots of ideas and resources for this. It is a VERY typical trait for gifted kids. But seeing a psychologist like I mentioned above might be a good idea.

 

On the other boards people look at my signature and freak out because I'm doing all that with a 7 year old.

May I kindly suggest that you stop posting on the other boards. IQ 151 is 4 standard deviations out. They will not understand.

 

At least, if we do school for many hours a day, he does SOMETHING. Otherwise, I'm sure he will just sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling, jump on the trampoline or play the piano.

Let him. It is ok. He will find his way. My younger is this way. It is his emotions that he needs to process. That is what he is doing when he is staring at the ceiling. Sometimes, I lay next to him and read a book and make myself available to discuss issues, but don't push or pry. I would encourage the music. It is a very good outlet for emotion.

 

So my irl friends' first reaction (when I'm just trying to explain - before I even get to the details like I did here) is that I'm pushing him, doing to much, or expecting to much.

Don't discuss it with them. Find a confidant or come here. They do not understand.

 

They say this while their kids are enjoying all his toys and he is freaking out because they are messing up his room. While their kids are playing imaginative, creative games, and he is moping because no one wants to play with him. (Not that he knows WHAT to play.)

All I can say is 151. He is not going to link up with these kids easily. Move on. Stop expecting him to be like other little boys. He is who he is. Both special and difficult.

 

I don't know how to make him happy.

I don't know how to engage him.

I don't know how he learns.

I don't know how to answer his questions.

I don't know how to deal with his growing anxiety issues.

I don't know how to get him excited about anything which requires some effort from his side.

 

I feel lost at what to do.

You need to start reading about gifted education. Read 2 books a month and in a year you will know more. Stop worrying. Take a deep breath. There are many of us here who have been there who can answer specific questions when you have some.

 

I CAN NOT imagine continuing like this for much longer.

My quote is "take care of yourself so you can take care of your family." Enough said.

 

I don't think I can do right by this little guy.

And who will? You are his best hope. You can do this.

 

In the mean time, I am failing my amazing little girl as I struggle in dealing with her brother. It's not fair.

She deserves more than his leftovers.

My very wise mother recommended that I spend equal time (by the clock) with each child to make sure that this did not happen. Tell him to go find something to do while you do something fun with your daughter. Equal time. Get pen and paper and write down the time spent with each. Make it fair.

 

Ok, I have written a book. I hope some small part helps.

 

Ruth in NZ

Edited May 25, 2012 by lewelma

[MomatHWTK]

With regard to the God/heaven questions. I have found that my kids, especially the oldest, were ready for these conversations long before I might have expected. Go at the pace that your child is ready to handle, just try to keep the depth of the world's sin out of it if you can (triggers anxiety!) If you are reading devotionals, continue to do so and consider reading materials by the more scholarly writers on the topic.

 

You pretty much have to learn to talk the language of a very deep thinker with a very deep sense of justice and an adult understanding of the topic. At least that has been my experience. Watch the child and his reactions, pull back if needed. The key, IMO, is to not go too deep but to really listen and acknowledge the questions. Adults often ask the same things. KWIM?

[brownie]

Have you applied to Davidson's?

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug:

I have one that is "way out there" too.

 

Things that work here:

 

We do quite a bit of school-type work - some is challenging, some is interesting, and some is "just get it done". But winter days are long and cold here and schoolwork is a way to fill the time.

 

I let her get bored. Not with school work (we like to keep that moving right along), but with her own activities. When she gets bored enough, she will go outside and play or haul out something to entertain herself. Every so often, I get something new that I think will interest her, but not something that she is necessarily interested in now, IYKWIM. Her interests only last for a few weeks at most before she has learned everything she cares to about it and is ready for something different.

 

Activities - we only do a few and they are carefully selected to be either multi-age or "safe" ones where she can belong even when she doesn't fit in so well. She does Sunday school because the teacher for her class is a lovely loving lady who encourages all the kids. She does skiing - she is not the best, but not the worst and they don't do much talking. Team sports are tough, but she plays softball now that she is older and does a much better job with small talk and it's been good for her to learn how to lose.

 

She's 11 now and has 3 really good friends - 2 that are homeschooled and one that goes to PS - that get along with her in spite of her quirks. But it took a long time for her to learn to "fit in", which always seems funny because she is my kid who makes friends everywhere she goes.

 

She spends a lot of time in her own head and the questions she asks are crazy-tough. Often I end up just turning them back on her "What do YOU think about that" and listening to her express her thoughts.

 

Hope this helps - you aren't alone! :grouphug:

[imagine.more]

First, ITA with everything Ruth said above!

 

I'm definitely no expert, my kiddos are still quite young, but I have taught the older grades and I also see a lot of what I experienced myself in your description of your son. Except, I was never quite so demanding because my parents would never have tolerated it for an instant. And I think that is one of the few things they did well. There is a small portion here that is simply a character issue, and all kids have to develop their character slowly and steadily, it just happens that he's struggling with certain character traits like contentment, patience, perseverance, etc. Very normal things to deal with but they must be dealt with. Frankly I'd stop buying new curriculums and insist he does his basic 5 subjects plus he can choose 1 art/music and 1 other extracurricular (sports or something academic). Insist things get done and if you even suspect he slacked off or rushed through an assignment call him on it and make him re-do it at the level you know he's capable of. In the afternoons kick him outside to play! Encourage him to build forts and rafts and bike across the neighborhood or sit and watch some bug he's interested in or stargaze or whatever. Never underestimate the benefit of sunshine and fresh air and dirt for boys of any age. I'm very slowly learning this myself with 2 boys :)

 

About having interests, I'd say most 7 year olds don't have strong interests/passions in life. They have passing hobbies but that's it. He doesn't have to love academic work, you're laying the groundwork now so that when he's 12, 13, 18, 25, whatever and does find something he's passionate about he'll have the tools to learn about it and achieve his goals in that area.

 

As for the big questions, those could be somewhat in the realm of normal except that he's jumping straight to the "why am I here at all?" kind of thoughts. Those are signs of clinical depression and I would get a second opinion on that for sure. He sounds intense, and I think depression looks different in intense kids than more mellow kids. ITA with the other posters that you need to meet him where he's at and answer these questions as best you can. My parents literally laughed at me when I asked those questions and never answered them, which created a lot of problems for me.

 

I'd suggest searching for the thread here on the WTM forums on raising resilient gifted kids. I can't remember if it's more recent or older but I was browsing it the other day and it could not have come at a better time! I'd just finished spending the weekend with my SIL who is clearly gifted and intense. I was appalled to see that she seems to have an eating disorder and anxiety, she's a completely different person and it scared me to see her like that, and more than anything it made me worried for my own gifted son who is very similar to her. Anyway, I've been slowly reading my way through the list from that thread on resiliency in gifted kids and it's been helpful. I started with The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, which was a decent one to start with I think and enough common sense that it's an easy read but a valuable reminder. Maybe it'd be helpful for you to check out some of those same books as I think they'd address a lot of your concerns and the issues you're having, which I think are not uncommon for gifted kids.

 

Btw, I absolutely don't think it's the workload that is causing his anxiety. Parents who haven't dealt with a gifted kid yet don't always understand. I stopped asking advice from others when I realized that refusing to teach my son to read when he wanted to was stupid of me and was causing him to be bored. Poor kid was peeling paint off the walls before I finally dived into reading instruction with him and the day I started he stopped peeling paint and destroying books. So yeah, not everyone will get it and that's okay. I'm sure you could cause issues by pushing him too hard, but it does not sound like that's the issue at all, it sounds like you're trying to stimulate him and keep everything at his level.

 

I really hope somebody's advice and thoughts here help. I know it can be very isolating and worrisome to deal with these kinds of concerns.

[Incognito]

Google Dabrowski's overexcitabilities.

 

You don't mention getting outside. That helps with all sorts of things. Exercise that pushes him. Fresh air and experiencing nature. I see you are in Calgary. This time of year it is easy to be outside. Find a winter sport too (skiing?) and get fresh air.

[LillyMama]

I agree with everything everyone else has posted. My daughter is like this. We're lucky that she is my second child, so she has her older brother to keep her distracted and entertained. But if he has a friend over, she just sits with me, wondering what to do with herself.

 

I want to also suggest an interesting book called Nurture Shock by Po Bronson. It's not specifically for gifted children, but I am also wondering about your daughter. She's going to see the perfectionism of her older brother, and this might be a useful tool for you in how to approach things with her. If she doesn't turn out to be as highly gifted as her brother, you may find it of interest. Applying some of the ideas in that book has helped me deal with my "average" son and how his life is with his very gifted little sister.

 

One last thing- and I apologize if someone already said this, I did read the other posts but not carefully... Don't forget about just the basics of introversion and extroversion. My family (husband, kids) are incredibly extroverted and I am not. My husband's frustration for my need to "just be" for a certain amount of time every day- to shut out the sensory explosions in my world, to process everything that I am thinking and feeling, to get bored- well, the way he handled it actually helped push me into a deeper depression. We introverts, and gifted people, recognize we're not measuring up in how we respond, and it brings us feelings of failure. Gifted people don't handle failure well. He may know he'd disappointing you somehow, not sure how to "fix" it and then he just cannot pull himself out of the funk. I am NOT blaming you- I'm just encouraging you that sometimes those "blank" times are just how we highly sensitive introverts manage our worlds.

 

Hang in there, you are an amazing mom!!

[mamajag]

Something to think about…I think I was your son at one point. I remember my mom doing the same thing. If I was a little interested in chemistry, I'd come home from school to find everything she could afford for chemistry when all I wanted was a book or two. All the stuff and the expectation I would use it all was just too much. I'd get anxious and shut down. I still do it somewhat with my husband, but he is learning that when I talk about wanting to put some knitwear designs out there I am not necessarily worried about the possibility of it being a success and needing to travel and the awesome things that would come from it. I don't want that kind of pressure. I told him just the other day, "I say I want to go for a walk and you plan a trip to China!" It doesn't feel good to me to be in the beginning phases of investigating if a given thing is something I'd really be interested in and have someone "lock me in" with lots of stuff or expectations.

 

ETA: He's 4. It's a big world out there, and it's ALL fascinating and maybe a little too much. The next time he expresses interest in something, see if you can find information and activities free on the internet. That way you won't be out so much money and he won't feel the pressure of the stuff.

 

Me personally, I NEED time to sit on the couch staring at the ceiling (though lately I knit so people don't realize I'm actually in space cadet mode). People tire me.

Edited May 27, 2012 by mamajag

[laf919]

I am wondering if part of your son's giftedness is being more spiritually mature than the average and that is part of it. I have one similar to that - she gets and sees things on a spiritual level that many adults would miss - and doesn't have anywhere near the emotional and mental maturity to deal with the spiritual awareness that she has, especially when she gets upset. To be honest, I was the same way (still am to an extent! :001_smile: ) and I was fortunate to have pastors and youth leaders who nurtured that in me. I am not sure what faith background you have, but I would suggest that you consider finding a "faith mentor" to spend time with your child and discuss some of those deeper questions of "why are we here?" etc. This could be a pastor or religious leader of your faith or a "wise person" grandparent type. This would take some of the burden of this off of you. Some sort of journal for his thoughts (maybe a digital recorder if he's not into writing/drawing things????) could go along with that or be used instead.

I will go out on a limb here and share that my husband and I are both gifted and also both ordained PC(USA) ministers, raising 2 gifted daughters. If you don't have a faith leader of some sort who you feel comfortable approaching with your son's spiritual questions and a request to meet with him, you can pm me and I will be happy to see if I can find someone I know near you (I know ministers throughout the country who would be good to try as mentors). Don't want to push any faith on anyone here - but I hear those intense spiritual questions from my girls, and I am thankful for my M.Div. that helps me answer their questions. I also think that for many intense gifted kids, having another non-parent adult to build a relationship with is a true gift - a chance to develop social skills with someone who has a bit more patience for social quirks and is outside the immediate family and letting him spread his wings a bit. And in an individual, one-on-one relationship, some of the "he's so advanced" issues melt away. HTH. It is not a total solution - and I agree with what many have shared about perfectionism, resiliency, not jumping on interests, etc. - but a slightly different angle. I will also say that part of my training was learning to recognize when these sorts of "dark" questions were simply spiritual questions to deal with and when they were more of the mental health/depression/anxiety type of issue. I have referred adults with questions like this to mental health professionals when I felt they were depressed/anxious at a clinical level. I would expect a competent spiritual leader of any stripe to be equipped to do the same. But sometimes, these are just thoughts/ideas/beliefs to be taken out and examined and discussed - and my personal experience (which is limited and fallible) is that in kids these questions more often fall into the "let's look at this" category.