Are non-confrontational, shy people less effective?

[Pamela H in Texas]

This is in terms of dealing with a bully. Are people who naturally would prefer to sit back and hope a situation goes away less effective when they actually step forward while a person who is much more forward naturally may be more capable?

 

It seems like that may be true. First, the second person simply has more practice. Second, their normal personality may say, "don't mess with me" a lot more than someone who just tries to say it.

 

A friend and I recently have had very similar situations with people. She got the harrassment to stop! However, I noticed even as we talked about it, we have VERY different natural personalities and "deal with it" personalities. And I wonder if she is more effective dealing with something because of her general personality. I kinda think that if I did things her way, I'd be buying myself a LOT more trouble.

 

What do you think? I think this is more than an introvert/extrovert issue. But was part of the reason her issues ended because they wouldn't mess with her where if I did the exact same things I could be setting myself up for an even worse storm just because it isn't really in my nature to do it her way (though I want to in my head)?

Edited May 21, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[suppleasthewind]

I used to be very shy and nonconfrontational but I have had circumstances (neighborhood bullies, tenants pushing me around, etc) change me a great deal. I find that with most people it is more effective to be aggressive and even mean. So I am not pushed around very much anymore, but sometimes I don't like myself or my behavior. I am still working on a happy medium. I look forward to what others will say.

[Farrar]

Read Quiet!

 

It has really changed my perspective on this exact question.

[ChristusG]

I was the kid in school who sat in the back of the classroom and didn't say a single word. I wasn't a nerd or anything....just very very shy and quiet. I was bullied two times...once in fourth grade and once in tenth. In fourth grade I didn't have to endure much because my mom worked as an assistant at the school and put a stop to it immediately.

 

In 10th grade when a girl bullied me, I put on the "I don't care" attitude and stepped out of my quiet shell when I needed to.

[bpskowski]

Interesting post. I'm not so sure they are less effective. In business situations, I being the introvert was very effective in dealing with the "bully" type customers. My boss was a type A personality and would bully the customers right back. When you lose a customer and they tell all their friends, that's not very effective. When you could take an angry, upset customer and calmly bring them to reason and ultimately make them an extremely happy and loyal customer, then that was effective. But boy, it was fun watching my boss ban people from the store. But effective? No!

[tristangrace]

When I was in my very early twenties I was dorm staff at a boarding school for troubled teenaged girls. I did not have the personality (or training! or staff back-up!) well-suited for it--I was not assertive enough at that point. The girls liked me but also took advantage of me in minor ways. Toward the end of my time there, a bunch of them were bullying someone else, and I decided I had had ENOUGH! I came down on them FAST and HARD and they didn't know what hit them. I was a total legend the next day. :001_smile:

[swellmomma]

I am and will always be an introvert but can still be confrontational. I used to be meek and shy, but after years of being bullied etc I started to find my voice in high school. People still try to take advantage, I am not a Type A as someone mentioned, but I don't put up with carp either and will call you out on it. I think when you have that ability even if someone tries to cause trouble for you you have a better chance of dealing with it quickly.

[LaxMom]

I am and will always be an introvert but can still be confrontational. I used to be meek and shy, but after years of being bullied etc I started to find my voice in high school. People still try to take advantage, I am not a Type A as someone mentioned, but I don't put up with carp either and will call you out on it. I think when you have that ability even if someone tries to cause trouble for you you have a better chance of dealing with it quickly.

This is me, too. I'm an introvert in the extreme, but I am also very assertive. And I think my manner suggests that it wouldn't be worthwhile to try to bully me. Which is not to say I don't have a beacon that draws wingnuts and crackpots for miles to try their luck, they just don't keep it up for long.

[swellmomma]

This is me, too. I'm an introvert in the extreme, but I am also very assertive. And I think my manner suggests that it wouldn't be worthwhile to try to bully me. Which is not to say I don't have a beacon that draws wingnuts and crackpots for miles to try their luck, they just don't keep it up for long.

 

:lol::lol:I love that description. SO me, especially if you have been reading my posts for the last 5 years and those are just the nuts I post about. Oi!

[QuirkyKapers]

This is a great question. I am introverted. I hate confrontation. What does it look like to be an assertive introvert? Serious question here. For the most part, I think if people respect you, they aren't going to take advantage. However, there are certain types of people, who irregardless of what you say or do, always can turn everything back around to you and that it is your problem, you misinterpreted, etc. Which, as an introvert, shuts me down, and of course being bullied continues.

[Cailin]

Read Quiet!

 

It has really changed my perspective on this exact question.

 

I'm number 167 in the request line for it from our library, but I'm reading the introduction on Amazon right now: it's great so far, and I might just have to buy. :001_smile:

 

Great question - I'm an introvert and have contemplated this a lot. I've especially thought about it because my daughter is introverted, and I'd like to know how to help her grow up not feeling bad about that.

[swellmomma]

This is a great question. I am introverted. I hate confrontation. What does it look like to be an assertive introvert? Serious question here. For the most part, I think if people respect you, they aren't going to take advantage. However, there are certain types of people, who irregardless of what you say or do, always can turn everything back around to you and that it is your problem, you misinterpreted, etc. Which, as an introvert, shuts me down, and of course being bullied continues.

 

It means being able to stand up and very clearly say Enough! despite shakiing in your boots and needing time alone to recover afterwards. It's about having a backbone and knowing you have a voice worthy of being heard. I am not talking about walking around with swagger and attitude. One can still be introverted, and shy and still stand up for yourself with enough confidence and assertiveness to make the other party back down and move on.

[Kirch]

Read Quiet!

 

It has really changed my perspective on this exact question.

 

I read this recently and found it fascinating, and perfect for this discussion.

 

AFA the question in the OP, I think a non-confrontational, shy person can effectively stand up in that situation as long as she is willing to stand firm and not back down when the person pushes back. Or make sure that first stand is dramatic enough that they don't push back! But if they sense hesitation or weakness, you're toast.

[LaxMom]

I'm not shy. I just can't handle the input from a bunch of people. It's mentally and physically draining for me. (The reason why we have quiet time after lunch; I need to recharge in solitude)

 

But I've never been passive. I am not easy to intimidate, physically or psychologically.

 

Introvert is not synonymous with shy, withdrawn, or antisocial. There is an interesting interview with the author of "Quiet", Susan Cain, that I heard a few months ago. You can listen to it here.

[wapiti]

Read Quiet!

 

It has really changed my perspective on this exact question.

 

thanks for reminding me! I bought this a while back but haven't gotten around to reading it yet.

Edited May 21, 2012 by wapiti

[kitten18]

I'm number 167 in the request line for it from our library, but I'm reading the introduction on Amazon right now: it's great so far, and I might just have to buy. :001_smile:

 

I guess my library isn't so bad then, I'm only number 22 on the waitlist.:D

[swellmomma]

I guess my library isn't so bad then, I'm only number 22 on the waitlist.:D

 

Lucky you! I am 119.

[Tap]

From my experience...yep!

 

When I was in high school I had two girls taunting me for a couple months. I just ignored them (they really weren't hurting me, just annoying), but they continued to increase their taunts. I happened to live a few doors away from the school's 'tough girl' who was best friends with "I will kick your a@@ for looking at me wrong, girl". One day, the taunting just stopped. I found out later that my neighbor and her friend found out about the taunts so they had had a little 'chat' with the two girls about it....ironically it was the same day it stopped....:lol: go figure! (The didn't beat them up, they just threatened to).

 

I have issues with a neighbor and noise. I always ask them to turn it down, they ignore me. The police drive by and they keep it down for a while. Once they remember, that I am not afraid to call the police, they are more respectful for a while.

[Pamela H in Texas]

See Tap, I would be afraid that they would just turn it up louder, or throw something at my car, or....and let's say they DID. Would you call the police next time if each time you did they escalated? What if you really had something big to lose (or worse, your kids did) by calling? Now see, you're probably thinking, "well, they'd be in trouble over the escalation too then;" but what if that weren't true. What if you couldn't prove it was them or they were somehow protected?

[Remudamom]

I guess everyone knows I have no problem with confrontation. I think you step up when you need to. When I was a young mother I was at the mall with my baby and my grandmother, who was not very spry. I noticed a man was following us, and I tested it by going in and out of some stores, and watched him waiting for us to come out and continue following us.

 

I was pissed. How was I going to load my baby and grandmother into a car safely?? I marched up to him and said very loudly "ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME???" He took off. Confrontation is liberating.

[homeschoolally]

Ironically I'm dealing with this very issue right now. I'm a 'keep the peace' and 'avoid confrontation at all costs' kinda gal and I have a bully of sorts....sad since we're in our '40's...who keeps pushing me. I can only guess that not getting a reaction out of me is getting under her skin, or that she has some kind of emotional problems leading her to try to dominate me for some kind of sick reason.

I don't want to play that game, really really dont want to, but I'm at a point where even an introvert is going to have to engage...despite how Im dreading it. Maybe it's time to drink a Mike's and assert myself against my better judgement. :lol: I really don't like giving her the satisfaction, but I'm feeling cornered.

I fluctuate from feeling angry at this lady to terribly sorry for her, sometime within a 15 minute period. She is seeking something, and obviously not getting it. What I have to do with it, well I don't know.

So yes, I think it is absolutely an issue for introverts at times, even though logic would suggest we would be left alone because, well, we typically leave everyone else alone.

I have come to the realization though this experience that some people who are unhappy with their own lot in life get off, for lack of a better term, on trying to dominate those they see as weak. Funny too, because I'm really not weak, I can be a beastly woman if needed, but I think it is just too much effort and not worth it at all. It wears me out!

All in all, I think it is helping me recognize how blessed I am to be content in my circumstances--without an urge to create drama. I was actually just talking to hubby about whether I need to verbally smack this woman down to put an end to it, which for me would probably be something in the 'bless your heart' sympathetic tone, which I hope can be as effective as being nasty in return.

So again, yes!!!!!!! Being an introvert doesn't insulate you from bullying, and in some cases can be a trigger for people. I think it is the narcissistic types who just can't stand to be ignored who target us most. :001_smile: I think we might come across as less effective because it's natural, for me at least, to dodge and avoid conflict.

Just my experience though, curious to hear what the hive says.

Edited May 21, 2012 by homeschoolally

[Tap]

See Tap, I would be afraid that they would just turn it up louder, or throw something at my car, or....and let's say they DID. Would you call the police next time if each time you did they escalated? What if you really had something big to lose (or worse, your kids did) by calling? Now see, you're probably thinking, "well, they'd be in trouble over the escalation too then;" but what if that weren't true. What if you couldn't prove it was them or they were somehow protected?

 

They can easily vandalize my home and cars. I have considered that, and when I do call....I often leave all my outside lights on for a few nights out of fear of them doing just that. BUT, They like to play LOUD vulgar music when little kids are running around outside. My kids, are worth any item I have. If they hurt my belongings, it will hurt us a lot. We don't have much, and even less money. BUT, I have to make sure my kids, have a decent neighborhood to grow up in. The other neighbors won't call, out of fear. They will call me and ask if I will call it in. :glare: I am the 'crazy lady'. It bothers the neighbors just as much as me, but they just keep quiet. I am not talking about a car radio playing at a decent level while someone washes a car, we are talking about having indoor speakers outside on the lawn pointed down the street!

 

I pray to God that he protects us, but I will not compromise on having some basic decorum in our neighborhood. It is our neighbors next door, so their music is so loud that it pounds through our walls and obviously into our backyard. It isn't like we can just go inside to avoid it. There is something odd about how our house sits on our lot, that it amplifies all the music from this house and the bass, just pounds through our walls.

[LostSurprise]

Introvert does not equal 'just hopes the situation goes away.' Even someone who is generally non-confrontational can be effective at dealing with others when they see it is necessary.

 

Sometimes its just convincing an introvert that its necessary. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm an introvert. I'm not very confrontational. Still, I don't have any problem protecting myself or my family from people when necessary.

 

The thing is figuring out what is necessary. Not all bullies are shut down by the same thing. Some are shut down by silence. Some by speaking up. Still others will only back down from a posse of armed men. Its an inexact science and all of us tend to go with what's natural first, then blunder around a bit til we find what works.

[Kirch]

See Tap, I would be afraid that they would just turn it up louder, or throw something at my car, or....and let's say they DID. Would you call the police next time if each time you did they escalated? What if you really had something big to lose (or worse, your kids did) by calling? Now see, you're probably thinking, "well, they'd be in trouble over the escalation too then;" but what if that weren't true. What if you couldn't prove it was them or they were somehow protected?

 

Well, that's easy. Then you call Remudamom! ;)

 

Seriously, though, that's a tough question. Still, I think I'd still call and deal with what comes up. You can't sit backand live in fear of what somebody *might* do. Now, if I had a good reason to think they really would do something, especially something that would harm me/my family/someone else (like if they had threatened to do something or if I knew they had done something to someone else), I'd approach it differently. I'm not sure what I would do, though.

[Pamela H in Texas]

<edited>

Edited May 21, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[swellmomma]

I've got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and beer chases my blues away...and I'll be okay.

Edited May 21, 2012 by swellmomma

[QuirkyKapers]

So again, yes!!!!!!! Being an introvert doesn't insulate you from bullying, and in some cases can be a trigger for people. I think it is the narcissistic types who just can't stand to be ignored who target us most. :001_smile: I think we might come across as less effective because it's natural, for me at least, to dodge and avoid conflict.

Just my experience though, curious to hear what the hive says.

 

:iagree: However, I am learning that it doesn't matter who deals with a narcissistic type, nothing is very effective. Silence can equal too stupid to see, confrontation can equal twisting of words so neatly that no responsibility needs to be acknowledged by them.

[homeschoolally]

:iagree: However, I am learning that it doesn't matter who deals with a narcissistic type, nothing is very effective. Silence can equal too stupid to see, confrontation can equal twisting of words so neatly that no responsibility needs to be acknowledged by them.

 

Absolutely. The current narcissist in my world :D has been hard to ignore, but I agree---regardless of what I say, it is likely going to be 'heard' far differently. I guess this is a good reminder that continuing to follow my introvert instinct to "dodge and avoid" is probably best. Whew, I'm off the hook:001_smile:.

 

So while that might appear to be ineffective....since I'm not facing it head on....I'm handling it exactly how I want. I think determining who actually has the upper hand in a conflict is often a matter of perception.