Different discipline methods and family relationships

[AimeeM]

Does anyone have a difficult time maintaining a relationship with a close relative (for the purpose of this post, we'll say your sister, lol) because their parenting/discipline methods swing in the opposite direction of your own?

 

Say you are a more gentle discipline household - while you may occasionally yell, your punishment methods lean more "life lesson/natural consequence"; your idea (and your children's) of extreme punishment is having the child sit in the hallway to "cool off" (and the threat of doing so elicits immediate change in behaviour for some reason, lol).

 

Your sister's methods, on the other hand, are ones you weren't raised with and that you consider... less than ideal (spanking, belts, etc,) and that you do not want your own children to witness. Perfectly legal in the state your sister resides in, but not something you can stomach.

 

You adore your sister (not so much her husband and his explosive temper), but have a very difficult time biting your tongue when your niece is threatened with a belt or made to finish food while looking green in the face (and often you do NOT bite your tongue, inevitably leading to confrontation) in your presence, and you disagree with them on such a level that you do not allow your children to be alone with said family members, because you know that if they ever felt they could discipline your children in such a way, you would have them arrested for assault - causing many more family issues. Lol.

 

I'm struggling between a love for my little sister, and the knowledge that I will never be okay with her watching my children or being alone with them. This is an issue in our family because we are all very close knit and it isn't uncommon for my eldest to, say, spend a few weeks in the summer with my mother (who lives in the same state as said sister) and spend significant amounts of time with my sisters without me present. Last summer we laid the rule that our daughter was never to be alone with my sister and her husband and I know it makes my mother uncomfortable. Frankly, I think I have a hard time understanding how she raises her children in such complete deviance from the way we, ourselves, were raised. It baffles me and in my "choice" relationships (ie friends and non family), I would never socialize with someone who chooses these methods. It's simply too difficult for me to understand.

 

How do you deal with friendships or family relationships like this?

[*********]

I've been through this. :grouphug:

 

My situation was bit different, though. In my case, it's that my sister disciplines the way we were disciplined (yelling, belittling, forcing the child to eat food they don't want, etc) where I *don't* do that.

 

It was SO hard to be around my sister and see how she treated her daughter. And one time, it did come to a head. Sister and niece were at our house for dinner. Niece didn't care for her biscuit. She had eaten everything else, she just didn't care for that one thing. My sister insisted she eat it. Started yelling at her and stuff. It was very upsetting. I didn't know what to do, and my kids were all :001_huh:. I finally told niece 'You know what, since I made the food, I say it's ok for you to be done.' And of course, that started something between my sister and I, because I had undermined her parenting. Which I know is a bad thing, but I couldn't handle it anymore. My sister and I had it out. (Niece ended up throwing up on the bathroom floor, and sister wouldn't even go help her. I had to clean it up.)

 

I don't see my sister and niece anymore; not because of parenting differences, but for another too-long-for-this-thread reason. But I tell you, it was SO stressful to be around my sister and my niece at the same time. It just broke my heart. I love my sister, but she was just horrible (IMO) to my niece.

 

My niece will be 18 in three years. I hope to get to see her then. I dunno. I don't even really know how she's doing, since my sister doesn't talk to me anymore. My parents see her, but they've kinda checked out of the whole situation, seeing as they parented us the same way.

 

It's hard. :grouphug: I guess I don't really have any advice. For a while we did what we could to stay close to my sister for my niece's sake.

[AimeeM]

That had to be so hard for you - to see a child treated in such a way!

 

When we host our niece (5 years old) for a week here and there, she is such a sweet child - nothing like the monster I hear she is from other family members. Never a problem for us.

 

I'm worrying, now, because they are all coming up for my son's third birthday next weekend. This will be the first time my husband has really been around them for an extended period of time. While I may keep my mutterings to a minimal "not on my property, you won't", my husband doesn't have a bond with my sister or husband, and as he has become close with my niece during her visits (and because he can be a hotheaded Italian when it comes to the way he feels children should be treated), I feel he won't show the same grace. I'm worried about things coming to a head.

I've been through this. :grouphug:

 

My situation was bit different, though. In my case, it's that my sister disciplines the way we were disciplined (yelling, belittling, forcing the child to eat food they don't want, etc) where I *don't* do that.

 

It was SO hard to be around my sister and see how she treated her daughter. And one time, it did come to a head. Sister and niece were at our house for dinner. Niece didn't care for her biscuit. She had eaten everything else, she just didn't care for that one thing. My sister insisted she eat it. Started yelling at her and stuff. It was very upsetting. I didn't know what to do, and my kids were all :001_huh:. I finally told niece 'You know what, since I made the food, I say it's ok for you to be done.' And of course, that started something between my sister and I, because I had undermined her parenting. Which I know is a bad thing, but I couldn't handle it anymore. My sister and I had it out. (Niece ended up throwing up on the bathroom floor, and sister wouldn't even go help her. I had to clean it up.)

 

I don't see my sister and niece anymore; not because of parenting differences, but for another too-long-for-this-thread reason. But I tell you, it was SO stressful to be around my sister and my niece at the same time. It just broke my heart. I love my sister, but she was just horrible (IMO) to my niece.

 

My niece will be 18 in three years. I hope to get to see her then. I dunno. I don't even really know how she's doing, since my sister doesn't talk to me anymore. My parents see her, but they've kinda checked out of the whole situation, seeing as they parented us the same way.

 

It's hard. :grouphug: I guess I don't really have any advice. For a while we did what we could to stay close to my sister for my niece's sake.

[Reflections]

I'm worrying, now, because they are all coming up for my son's third birthday next weekend. This will be the first time my husband has really been around them for an extended period of time. While I may keep my mutterings to a minimal "not on my property, you won't", my husband doesn't have a bond with my sister or husband, and as he has become close with my niece during her visits (and because he can be a hotheaded Italian when it comes to the way he feels children should be treated), I feel he won't show the same grace. I'm worried about things coming to a head.

 

Maintaining the peace is one thing, allowing them to behave badly on your property and in the presence of your children is another. I would trust your husband - not that you don't - what I mean is - since he is in effect an outsider, he sees things a bit clearer than you do about the whole dynamics of this and I wouldn't worry so much about what he 'might' do while they are here.

[AimeeM]

Maintaining the peace is one thing, allowing them to behave badly on your property and in the presence of your children is another. I would trust your husband - not that you don't - what I mean is - since he is in effect an outsider, he sees things a bit clearer than you do about the whole dynamics of this and I wouldn't worry so much about what he 'might' do while they are here.

You're right. He would only say something if it meant protecting our niece. I can't imagine it would be pretty if my husband were to see either of them threaten a child on our property.

[swellmomma]

My issue is the opposite. I see my sister allow my nephew to get away with murder already, he gets maybe a 1 minute timeout if he is bad. Some of his behaviours while age appropriate need to be taught not to do those things and he is not. Interrupting is okay for example. Hitting someone gets a tiny little time out sometimes. He gets everything and anything he wants. He turns 4 in a couple weeks so he is young yet but already such a spoiled brat. At the same time my sister feels that it is acceptable to comment on my parenting constantly. She thinks I am too hard on my kids. Sorry as teens I do not do time outs. Law breaking behaviour, backtalk, cussing etc will not be tolerated. I am strict and I punish for those things. I will not give a little talk and call it good. Combined with her comments about everything else she thinks I am doing wrong (breastfed at all grossed her out, going until after 3rd birthday for dd4 received many comments, thinks hsing will ruin the kids, that co-sleeping with babies and toddlers is sick etc). She of course was the opposite of those things. To the point that nephew has been in preschool since his second birthday, fulltime academically focused daycare centers since 12 months old and she was upset this year at only age 3 that he could not attend 5 day a week preschool, only 3 days and the other 2 days he stayed in daycare...next year he is going to 5 day a week preschool that send homework home.)

 

We had a big arguement over xmas when her ds stole one of gramma's candies. The stealing itself wasn't what caused the fight. Her lack of response was. We were all in the livingroom and nephew opened gramma's candy dish and reached in for a candy. Gramma reminded him that the rule was to ask first. Sister told nephew he could not have one as dinner was ready in 5 minutes. Nephew looked right at her and put it in his mouth. She walked him out of the room while he chewed and swallowed it and talked to him. As she walked out dd4 looked at me with huge eyes and says "momma he stoled" to which I said "yes he did" dd walked over to the dish ready to take one too, and I calmly said "what is the punishment for stealing in our family" dd replied "spanking" so I said "yes it is, you decided right now what it's going to be" dd walked away from the candy that was that.

 

Well bil ran to sister to tell her I was saying they needed to spank nephew. WHich was not at all what was said. I was having a conversation with my own child. Well holy heck you would think that I had just handed them a whip to beat my nephew with. Do I think he should have been in more trouble for it, yes I do. In fact I think the second he popped it in his mouth he should have been told to spit it out. He didn't care if his mom talked to him, he still got to eat the candy. I never said any of that to sister, never told her to spank him, but because I reminded my own daughter of the punishment for stealing in my family the poop hit the fan. That was not the straw that broke the camel's back the next thing was, but this incident certainly made things very strained with my sister.

 

My sister and I have only seen each other once since xmas, and we have talked maybe a 1/2 dozen times since then. I do not fear for my kids safety with her, though she was banned from driving them anywhere for years after she drove with them with not only no seat belts but no seats in the van, that was before she had her own kid. She is taking dd12 for a few weeks this summer as a babysitter while they camp etc. BUT I could not keep in more contact with her because she brought me down so much.

 

We will never see eye to eye on parenting. I parent my kids one way and she does another. I am so against many of the decisions she has made and vice versa, it is just better if contact is limited to holidays and birthdays.

 

I have many aquaintences that use only gentle discipline and many that use spanking (though none us belts etc that I know of) with no problem because everyone let's everyone parent their own kids their own way (not talking about abuse here). Sister could not keep her yap shut and now has very little contact with me or the kids because I couldn't take it anymore. Untill she and her husband learns to keep their noses out of it she will continue to have very little contact with us.

[AimeeM]

Understood. I will not, however, allow my children to see their cousins punished in a way that frightens them - and seeing children hit with belts does frighten them. It is also not something we allow on our property. What they do in their own home is their business; but that is why our children aren't allowed to visit their home without our presence.

 

I will point out that you said your sister will have little contact with you until she butts out of your parenting style; but you admit that you do not butt out of hers (or so the reply seemed to indicate? I may be wrong).

 

I do appreciate your input very much though :001_smile:

My issue is the opposite. I see my sister allow my nephew to get away with murder already, he gets maybe a 1 minute timeout if he is bad. Some of his behaviours while age appropriate need to be taught not to do those things and he is not. Interrupting is okay for example. Hitting someone gets a tiny little time out sometimes. He gets everything and anything he wants. He turns 4 in a couple weeks so he is young yet but already such a spoiled brat. At the same time my sister feels that it is acceptable to comment on my parenting constantly. She thinks I am too hard on my kids. Sorry as teens I do not do time outs. Law breaking behaviour, backtalk, cussing etc will not be tolerated. I am strict and I punish for those things. I will not give a little talk and call it good. Combined with her comments about everything else she thinks I am doing wrong (breastfed at all grossed her out, going until after 3rd birthday for dd4 received many comments, thinks hsing will ruin the kids, that co-sleeping with babies and toddlers is sick etc). She of course was the opposite of those things. To the point that nephew has been in preschool since his second birthday, fulltime academically focused daycare centers since 12 months old and she was upset this year at only age 3 that he could not attend 5 day a week preschool, only 3 days and the other 2 days he stayed in daycare...next year he is going to 5 day a week preschool that send homework home.)

 

We had a big arguement over xmas when her ds stole one of gramma's candies. The stealing itself wasn't what caused the fight. Her lack of response was. We were all in the livingroom and nephew opened gramma's candy dish and reached in for a candy. Gramma reminded him that the rule was to ask first. Sister told nephew he could not have one as dinner was ready in 5 minutes. Nephew looked right at her and put it in his mouth. She walked him out of the room while he chewed and swallowed it and talked to him. As she walked out dd4 looked at me with huge eyes and says "momma he stoled" to which I said "yes he did" dd walked over to the dish ready to take one too, and I calmly said "what is the punishment for stealing in our family" dd replied "spanking" so I said "yes it is, you decided right now what it's going to be" dd walked away from the candy that was that.

 

Well bil ran to sister to tell her I was saying they needed to spank nephew. WHich was not at all what was said. I was having a conversation with my own child. Well holy heck you would think that I had just handed them a whip to beat my nephew with. Do I think he should have been in more trouble for it, yes I do. In fact I think the second he popped it in his mouth he should have been told to spit it out. He didn't care if his mom talked to him, he still got to eat the candy. I never said any of that to sister, never told her to spank him, but because I reminded my own daughter of the punishment for stealing in my family the poop hit the fan. That was not the straw that broke the camel's back the next thing was, but this incident certainly made things very strained with my sister.

 

My sister and I have only seen each other once since xmas, and we have talked maybe a 1/2 dozen times since then. I do not fear for my kids safety with her, though she was banned from driving them anywhere for years after she drove with them with not only no seat belts but no seats in the van, that was before she had her own kid. She is taking dd12 for a few weeks this summer as a babysitter while they camp etc. BUT I could not keep in more contact with her because she brought me down so much.

 

We will never see eye to eye on parenting. I parent my kids one way and she does another. I am so against many of the decisions she has made and vice versa, it is just better if contact is limited to holidays and birthdays.

 

I have many aquaintences that use only gentle discipline and many that use spanking (though none us belts etc that I know of) with no problem because everyone let's everyone parent their own kids their own way (not talking about abuse here). Sister could not keep her yap shut and now has very little contact with me or the kids because I couldn't take it anymore. Untill she and her husband learns to keep their noses out of it she will continue to have very little contact with us.

[Mommyof4ks]

If you think they are being abusive, then you need to report them otherwise keep reading for my opinion.

 

If it is mearly a differnce in discipline techniques, then I guess it really depends on whether or not you want a relationship with your sister. This may not be popular, but I would mind my own business because I do not want people telling me how to raise my kids. We have friends who discipline in many different ways, and we all get along because we mind our own business.

 

I would talk with your dh before hand, because if he can get angry enough to make a scene then I do not think his point will be heard since he will be just as guilty of scaring the kids.

[AimeeM]

If you think they are being abusive, then you need to report them otherwise keep reading for my opinion.

 

If it is mearly a differnce in discipline techniques, then I guess it really depends on whether or not you want a relationship with your sister. This may not be popular, but I would mind my own business because I do not want people telling me how to raise my kids. We have friends who discipline in many different ways, and we all get along because we mind our own business.

 

I would talk with your dh before hand, because if he can get angry enough to make a scene then I do not think his point will be heard since he will be just as guilty of scaring the kids.

She is not being abusive. Abuse is a legal term and her discipline style is perfectly legal. I would never tell her not to discipline her children the way she chooses; but I also will not allow them to scare my children on my property. I also will not allow her to discipline my own children in a similar manner - which is why we do not allow them to visit unaccompanied. I somewhat feel the need to say something only because if she were to ever use the same method on my children (her or her husband), we would press charges (it is illegal here to use physical discipline on another person's child without their express consent) and I KNOW that would cause even more problems - because for many in my family, there is a village type mentality that we do not share.

I can *feel* that a discipline style is disgusting, but know that it is supported legally - that doesn't mean I am comfortable allowing my children to witness it (or to see it myself). KWIM?

 

I guess I was wondering if there is a WAY to talk to her about this cordially, so that we can maintain a good sister relationship... without sacrificing the emotional wellbeing of my own children. I may strongly, vehemently disagree with this area of my sister's life - but I love her very, very much and we used to be exceptionally close (we are only 17 months apart).

Edited May 13, 2012 by AimeeM

[MomatHWTK]

It is very much going to depend on your relationship with your sister. Is she going to be defensive and angry if you say, "I don't want my children to see/experience this?" Logistically, would she or her DH remember or be willing to refrain from what they see as acceptable punishment while your children were visiting? (I have a relative who might very well just do what they wanted and hope I didn't find out.)

 

I think there is going to be an issue if you are asking your mother to monitor the situation for extended visits. You should be the one to tell your sister why your kids can't be at her house or alone with her rather than asking mom to do so. But you'll have to be prepared for a less than positive reaction.

[AimeeM]

It is very much going to depend on your relationship with your sister. Is she going to be defensive and angry if you say, "I don't want my children to see/experience this?" Logistically, would she or her DH remember or be willing to refrain from what they see as acceptable punishment while your children were visiting? (I have a relative who might very well just do what they wanted and hope I didn't find out.)

 

I think there is going to be an issue if you are asking your mother to monitor the situation for extended visits. You should be the one to tell your sister why your kids can't be at her house or alone with her rather than asking mom to do so. But you'll have to be prepared for a less than positive reaction.

We used to have a very solid relationship. Things have changed over the past few years and I'm not sure where exactly. She would indeed take issue with it if I approached it forcefully. I should say that my mother is never put in the position of getting in the middle - she knows that if she feels she cannot handle the situation or cannot bide by our wishes on visits, she should never feel obligated to take our oldest (we try to make frequent family visits there once or twice a month; they are only a couple hours away from us). I would never want her to risk HER relationship with my sister.

[Desert Strawberry]

Ha e you spoken with her, yet?

I think that an honest talk in which you say something like, "I respect your parenting and your choices. However, I do not agree with public discipline and threats. I do not want my children to see it nor do I want to see it. Please respect me, my children, and yours by keeping your discipline private. It makes me uncomfortable, upsets my children and surely embarrasses your children."

I think the fact that you were not raised that way would move the situation in your favor.

if she cannot or will not behave in a manner you can be comfortable with, then you have no choice but to limit your contact with her.

[Dustybug]

/i

If you think they are being abusive, then you need to report them otherwise keep reading for my opinion.

 

If it is mearly a differnce in discipline techniques, then I guess it really depends on whether or not you want a relationship with your sister. This may not be popular, but I would mind my own business because I do not want people telling me how to raise my kids. We have friends who discipline in many different ways, and we all get along because we mind our own business.

 

I would talk with your dh before hand, because if he can get angry enough to make a scene then I do not think his point will be heard since he will be just as guilty of scaring the kids.

 

:iagree:

DH and I parent differently than many other parents we know. We do spank when warranted(not with a belt), and I just can't wrap my head around the "I can't socialize with people who do that" comment that I hear on threads like this. I don't mean that as a criticism, but while I may not agree with a person's parenting style, that doesn't mean that I would just toss that person aside when there are so many facets to a person and whether or not their personality is compatible with mine(as long as there was no abuse involved).

 

I also would get a bit ruffled if I felt the need to discipline my children and my sibling or anyone criticized it or undermined me in front of my children. That is inappropriate. I also discipline my children the same no matter where we are, so if they did something that we deemed worthy of a spanking, they would receive that spanking. BUT we would take them aside(to another room, etc) and handle it privately, not in front of everyone. If my children know that we bend on our regular rules when we are out, they will take advantage of it. This is rarely an issue for us, as spanking is not a frequent occurrence and only used for particular offenses. I would not be offended if someone spoke to me privately about an issue they had as long as they did so in a respectable manner, not in a accusatory fashion.

 

As far as letting your children stay with them, why would they even think about disciplining your children in the same way? Is that common in your family? Even though both of my SILs have similar discipline techniques, they would never administer those techniques on OUR children and vice versa. They would put them in time out or some other punishment. Laying a hand on another person's child is never acceptable IMHO.

 

ETA: I do think you have the right to approach them about what you are uncomfortable with in your home/in front of your children, but I think you'll probably have to be careful with how you put this message as to avoid coming across as judgmental.

[swellmomma]

Understood. I will not, however, allow my children to see their cousins punished in a way that frightens them - and seeing children hit with belts does frighten them. It is also not something we allow on our property. What they do in their own home is their business; but that is why our children aren't allowed to visit their home without our presence.

 

I will point out that you said your sister will have little contact with you until she butts out of your parenting style; but you admit that you do not butt out of hers (or so the reply seemed to indicate? I may be wrong).

 

I do appreciate your input very much though :001_smile:

 

You are very wrong. I have never told my sister I think her kid is a brat due to her lack of disciplining him. My bil ran to her claiming I was saying that when I was speaking to MY daughter about what her actions were causing. I do not agree with most of what she chooses to do but I do not comment on it to her. She on the other hand every single conversation was a judgement of what I was doing wrong in her eyes. Because I have bit my tongue since my nephew was born it po'd me off to no ened when my bil lied to her about what was said. Even after my mom spoke up on my behalf about it (she was in the room when i spoke to my dd) sister would only believe her dh. I have never ever stuck my nose in my sister's parenting. I don't see anywhere in my comment that indicated that I did.

[SonshineLearner]

I would have to tell my sis that spanking around my children really scares them for their daughter. I realize that that's what their family does, but would it work to punish their children at home. I have to say, I've spanked my kids... I used a wooden spoon... I didn't really spank around others... I did spank in a separate room... But, with a belt... you can hear it. You hear the child screaming/crying.... It does produce a sickening feeling in your stomach. I'm not sure if I'd spank my kids if I had it to do over. I DO know that I wouldn't want someone else to feel uncomfortable being part of something private. If I were going to spank, I would be a far space in the house... I also would only spank for something that I felt couldn't be handled another way, and honestly... most things can be. :(

[Gingerbread Mama]

I don't think a judgement can be made based on your post. There is no way of knowing what kind of child your niece is....perhaps she is a child that can't be allowed to push the envelope EVER. I have one of those. I make him clean his plate. I don't serve him the same portions I serve his teenage brother, they are well within his ability to finish. If I say "Ok, no need to eat your broccoli." when he says he's full, then 10 minutes later he will be having a tantrum for dessert and saying he's hungry. I ended that problem by serving him appropriate portions and telling him he can't leave the table without finishing the food. We've had a handful (in the beginning) of stand offs, but after he realized I really meant he WASN'T GETTING UP...he eats healthy and without complaint now.

 

I also think it's unfair for you to ask them to change their discipline methods to make you happy. If they aren't endangering the child, you need to get past it. Now, if they aren't removing the child to discipline her then I would be uncomfortable. Not because I don't believe in spanking, but because I think they should be handled privately. If they feel that time outs are too light, I don't think you should ask them to scale down the punishment to what you feel is appropriate. I don't understand saying you can't wrap your head around how she parents due to how you were brought up. I was rarely disciplined, I was pretty much a rule follower as well as an only child and a girl... I spend much more time disciplining my own children than did my mother... they simply aren't the child I was. Is it possible that your sister is parenting how she feels this particular child needs to be handled? Anyway, it is their call to make.

 

I saw no where in swellmomma's post that she butted into her sister's discipline. I saw that she disciplined her own child more severely for the same infraction that her niece made and her BIL took that to be some sort of passive aggressive attitude about his own child's misbehavior and the discipline he received.

[AimeeM]

My post was meant to ask *how* you maintain a relationship with a relative who disciplines in a way you consider harmful (although not abusive) and unnecessary - I never meant to infer that I was asking advice on whether I was right in my beliefs... or not. I have never asked her to change how she disciplines; simply made guidelines as to my own children and what I do not want them around, and guidelines about what will and won't be allowed on my property.

 

I understand that you make your children finish their plates. That is fine. I do not and it isn't something I agree with. It doesn't mean I think you (or my sister) are horrible - I'm just trying to find a way to maintain a harmonious relationship with my sister, when we have very different ideas on how to raise our children. It happens that some of her methods I can't stomach. It appears from the replies I've received in this post, that it may not be possible to do so (maintain a good and close relationship) and I may just need to limit contact.

 

I'm sure that if you find something harmful, you do not allow it to be done on your property and you do not allow your children to be exposed to it. I have never once butted in when my sister disciplines her children.

 

I don't think a judgement can be made based on your post. There is no way of knowing what kind of child your niece is....perhaps she is a child that can't be allowed to push the envelope EVER. I have one of those. I make him clean his plate. I don't serve him the same portions I serve his teenage brother, they are well within his ability to finish. If I say "Ok, no need to eat your broccoli." when he says he's full, then 10 minutes later he will be having a tantrum for dessert and saying he's hungry. I ended that problem by serving him appropriate portions and telling him he can't leave the table without finishing the food. We've had a handful (in the beginning) of stand offs, but after he realized I really meant he WASN'T GETTING UP...he eats healthy and without complaint now.

 

I also think it's unfair for you to ask them to change their discipline methods to make you happy. If they aren't endangering the child, you need to get past it. Now, if they aren't removing the child to discipline her then I would be uncomfortable. Not because I don't believe in spanking, but because I think they should be handled privately. If they feel that time outs are too light, I don't think you should ask them to scale down the punishment to what you feel is appropriate. I don't understand saying you can't wrap your head around how she parents due to how you were brought up. I was rarely disciplined, I was pretty much a rule follower as well as an only child and a girl... I spend much more time disciplining my own children than did my mother... they simply aren't the child I was. Is it possible that your sister is parenting how she feels this particular child needs to be handled? Anyway, it is their call to make.

 

I saw no where in swellmomma's post that she butted into her sister's discipline. I saw that she disciplined her own child more severely for the same infraction that her niece made and her BIL took that to be some sort of passive aggressive attitude about his own child's misbehavior and the discipline he received.

[Mama Geek]

If my siblings or my dh's siblings tried to tell us that we couldn't discipline dd the way we normally do because it makes them uncomfortable whether it is there house or ours, there would be very little contact. Not because we still wouldn't love them, but because we take raising our dd seriously. When discipline needs to happen it needs to happen you can't make exceptions based on where you are or who you are around. I will not leave dd alone with grandparents because they see no need to keep her in line. There are other reasons too but that is part of it. I would not smack someone else's kid even if they gave permission though.

[Trish]

Maintaining the peace is one thing, allowing them to behave badly on your property and in the presence of your children is another. I would trust your husband - not that you don't - what I mean is - since he is in effect an outsider, he sees things a bit clearer than you do about the whole dynamics of this and I wouldn't worry so much about what he 'might' do while they are here.

 

:iagree:

 

Yep. Let your husband have his own reaction, whatever it may be. After all, are your relatives worried about YOUR reaction, or his? Then why worry about your husband's reaction? It's his house and his feelings, whatever they may be.

[Gingerbread Mama]

My post was meant to ask *how* you maintain a relationship with a relative who disciplines in a way you consider harmful (although not abusive) and unnecessary - I never meant to infer that I was asking advice on whether I was right in my beliefs... or not. I have never asked her to change how she disciplines; simply made guidelines as to my own children and what I do not want them around, and guidelines about what will and won't be allowed on my property.

 

I understand that you make your children finish their plates. That is fine. I do not and it isn't something I agree with. It doesn't mean I think you (or my sister) are horrible - I'm just trying to find a way to maintain a harmonious relationship with my sister, when we have very different ideas on how to raise our children. It happens that some of her methods I can't stomach. It appears from the replies I've received in this post, that it may not be possible to do so (maintain a good and close relationship) and I may just need to limit contact.

 

I'm sure that if you find something harmful, you do not allow it to be done on your property and you do not allow your children to be exposed to it. I have never once butted in when my sister disciplines her children.

 

I didn't mean to imply that you had butted in when your sister disciplines. I guess what I was saying was that it could be inferred as butting in if you ask her NOT to discipline her child in your home. I don't know if that comes across the way I mean it, I don't mean it ugly. What I'm getting at is that time outs work wonders for some kids and not at all for others. Just like spanking won't work for every kid. I was merely pointing out that, as a parent who has child who will push every envelope, it has become necessary that I enforce EVERY rule. Perhaps your sister is, or feels, the same way? My youngest acted AWFUL with the grandparents until I started refusing to leave him unattended with them to ensure that he was brought back in line immediately when he misbehaved. They wanted to give him "the look" and a stern no...that isn't his currency.

 

What I was really getting at was that if they are wearing the kid out in the living room with the extended family witnessing, I think that's extreme. I think, at that point, you could say "Hey, do you mind going to the spare bedroom?" and not be out of bounds. However, from my POV, if they are removing her to discipline then I think they've done their due to be courteous of your feelings. I don't know how they are handling it, I'm just saying how I would feel about it in my home. You're right, there are people I don't allow in my home because their bad behavior is a bad influence on my children. If you really think knowing that another child got spanked is going to affect your children adversely then you should probably not have them over or go where you will be around them. I have a friend that I limit her coming to my house because she DOESN'T use stronger discipline. Her son is a holy terror, she talks at him about his behavior. I don't want to discipline someone else's child, particularly with them standing there and obviously NOT doing anything, but I refuse to let my children see me ignoring (and thereby condoning) his atrocious behavior.

[garddwr]

 

Say you are a more gentle discipline household - while you may occasionally yell, your punishment methods lean more "life lesson/natural consequence"; your idea (and your children's) of extreme punishment is having the child sit in the hallway to "cool off" (and the threat of doing so elicits immediate change in behaviour for some reason, lol).

 

Your sister's methods, on the other hand, are ones you weren't raised with and that you consider... less than ideal (spanking, belts, etc,) and that you do not want your own children to witness. Perfectly legal in the state your sister resides in, but not something you can stomach.

 

 

I can't really help with the relationship issue--although I think if it were my children and these were family members in a different state I would just explain to them that some people think they are doing the right thing by disciplining their children in this way, and explain why you don't use such discipline yourself. Then spend time as you are able with your family members.

 

That being said, your description of the gentle discipline and its effectiveness in your household brought something to mind: please do not assume that because such discipline works in your family and for your children it would work as effectively for your sister or another family. I am very much a gentle discipline person, but I was also a very stubborn child and have some strong-willed, stubborn children. There are very real differences in how different children react to discipline, and at least one of mine would react to being sent to the hallway to cool off by kicking, screaming, yelling, scratching, biting...basically, anything she perceives as an outside attempt to control or change her behavior elicits an extreme anti-reaction. My parents tell me she reminds them of me as a child. Not saying spanking would be any more effective with such a child--in all likelihood it would just escalate the problem (can we say power struggle?) I just find myself bemused when a parent feels that because a particular approach to parenting or discipline works wonders with their own child(ren) it will work just as effectively for everyone's children.

 

Good luck working out a solution for relating to your sister and her family.

[Soror]

To be honest I just limit my time with people if I find their discipline or childraising techniques troublesome. I also might go to a different room or find a reason to be away. I cannot stand to see very young infants to be ignored especially when they are giving repeated cues they are hungry or upset. I hate to see kids punished for something out of their control or that is developmentally appropriate. I had a friend who repeatedly spanked her autistic son because he wouldn't potty train. Or seeing people keep their kids up late or without food and be all surprised when they act out.

 

Ironically to this discussion we don't spank but I also have a friend who does. I'm considering talking to her as the last time she came over her son was a bit of a jerk, shooting nerf guns to dd's head and hitting her in the head which she blew off. Telling her not to play with him and that he doesn't have a sister so he doesn't know how to play with them.

 

I don't generally talk to people about our choices or theirs unless asked but I also refuse to be around certain things. A lot of people assume I spank as most people here do, I'd rather not engage in that discussion personally. I do leave the room with my kids if they are acting especially bad and people I'm sure think that is what I am doing. I just want to give the kid a chance to calm down and focus and I know I don't like being corrected while everyone watches. I also am pretty strict with the kids as well though as I know people expect them to be terrors if you don't spank so that is always on my mind. I cannot see that seeing a spanking would bother mine, they know some people do, but my kids are really not overly sensitive. I know plenty of kids are sensitive.