Tween girls...wwyd?

[Carrie Sue]

I'll try to be brief:

C is 11yo and A is 12 and they are the only girls in their class, so they have spent a few hours together every weekday for the last 4 years. A is talkative, almost giddily energetic and effusive, and somewhat attention seeking. Loves bunnies, hearts and flowers. She is also very verbal about her opinion and wants to be in charge. Teachers tend to get worn out dealing with her but she is very sweet and loving so she tends to get her way.

 

C is into dystopian novels (Hunger Games and many others) and is independent and rather staid. She doesn't try to be in charge but enjoys it when someone puts her in that position. She is pretty unemotional and often reserved, but her teachers love her dearly.

 

There has been underlying frustration between A and C for about 2 years now. A gets in C's face and continually asks her what's wrong, why isn't C happy, tries to hug her, invades her personal space, etc... At the same time, A is happily changing teachers' minds on assignments and trying to get her way w/ class projects/programs/plays. C told her several times to stop asking her what is wrong and that C is fine also asked her to not get in her face, but A didn't comply.

 

Finally, C blew up at A (mildly) in front of A's mother, who pulled C out of the room to confront her. C told her how she felt and A's mom replied that from now on, A is forbidden to speak to C. C is happy about this and says she is relieved.

 

Would you talk to A's mother (obviously I am mom of C...I tried to write it w/o disclosing that but it's pretty obvious!) about how she handled the situation? I would like to talk to the girls about how to be cordial and friendly even if you don't have much in common and aren't close friends, but A's mom is apparently nursing some hurt feelings, so she probably won't agree w/ this plan.

 

I am all for staying out of tween girl drama, and have encouraged C to handle it herself for the last couple years, but should I step in now?

[Rebecca VA]

It doesn't sound as though C even likes A all that much. It also sounds as though A is trying hard to make C like her.

 

I'm not saying that A is right, but it does sound as though she is putting more into the relationship than C is.

 

Do the girls have anything in common at all?

[Joanne]

No, I would not. I'd be glad my dd has some adult imposed boundaries and protection.

 

I would *not* seek out the other adult to force interaction, however cordial.

[Carrie Sue]

No, C doesn't care for A, and I'd bet A doesn't care about C so much but she can't stand not to be buddy buddy with everyone. A's mom is one of their teachers and her forbidding A to speak to C anymore (even regarding an assignment or cordial "Good morning" signals to me that she is hostile toward C, which I don't feel is necessary. The girls obviously are on different pages.I have heard C's complaints for the last 2 years and have not interfered other than to advise her to set boundaries and be polite.

 

They do have things in common ((crafts, love of books) but A is so overbearing and annoyingly giddy, that C doesn't really want to be around her.

 

Sigh...next year ought to be fun.

[erinjo]

Well I think that if A's mom is one of your daughter's teachers and she is nursing a grudge against your daughter, that is concerning. Way more concerning than the stuff between the girls. I would be more inclined to talk to the mom and make sure your child is being treated fairly.

[Word Nerd]

C is happy about this and says she is relieved.

 

 

If this continues to be the case, I would not step in. If at some point it seems as if A's mother is treating C unfairly, then I would. It does seem rather impractical for the only two girls in a class to be forbidden from speaking to each other, and I doubt that it is enforced for long anyway.

[Harriet Vane]

I think it's weird that A is no longer allowed to talk to C at all. That's seems like too big a reaction to me unless either parent would characterize this as bullying (doesn't sound like you do, though).

[LillyMama]

I think it's weird that A is no longer allowed to talk to C at all. That's seems like too big a reaction to me unless either parent would characterize this as bullying (doesn't sound like you do, though).

 

:iagree:

 

My mom NEVER got involved in girl drama, like all my friends' moms did, and I attribute that as being one of the main reasons I had less girl drama than my friends. Moms are girls themselves, and no matter how much we try to grow up, we're still a little neurotic. (No? You're not? Maybe just me and my friends, then... :D )

 

I'm guessing that as much as you've heard C complain about A, A's mom has heard the flip side from her daughter. Chances are, she's a lot like A and so she's prone to see her side and agree. I think that's probably what's happened- she feels like this is the end of a long process, just as you do.

 

The fact that the mom stepped in sends red flags all over the place for me. It's just not okay, especially if she's in a position of authority over both girls and therefor expected to maintain some neutrality. She sounds like exactly the kind of person I try to avoid.

 

Unless your daughter suffers- via more passive-aggressive bullying, as this clearly is- then I say just ignore it. And applaud your daughter for standing up for herself. And celebrate the few weeks or months of peace this brings you and your daughter, as it sounds like they may be fleeting.

[Catwoman]

Can you think of any reason why the other mom would have stepped in and set such firm boundaries? Is there a possibility that your dd has been mean to the other girl in the past, or that the other girl may have told her mom your dd wasn't being nice to her?

 

The only reason I'm asking is because the other mom's reaction seems so extreme to me, and I'm wondering if she believes that there is more of a hostile history between the two girls than you do. Perhaps her dd has made a big deal out of little comments your dd has made in the past? Maybe your dd's reserved nature has been misconstrued as rudeness?

 

It could also be something as simple as the other mom not being able to stand the thought that every single person on the planet doesn't want to be friends with her dd.

 

I just think the other mom had more on her mind than the one incident when she confronted your dd, and I would be curious to know what that might be.

 

Edited to add: Please don't think I'm blaming your dd at all! She sounds like a nice kid, and it seems as though she has been more than patient in dealing with the other girl.

Edited May 12, 2012 by Catwoman

[Carrie Sue]

Thanks all, I am going to wait it out and see what happens next week. The girls have all summer to be distanced and can make a fresh start next year.

 

No, C doesn't bully anyone--she is quite compliant and puts others ahead of herself (letting the aggressive students pick projects first and taking what is leftover, for example). She does roll her eyes, get silent, and sigh loudly when annoyed. Then comes home and complains later :)

 

There really haven't been any "incidents" just this ongoing cycle of A pestering and C being short with her. I'm sure there have been discussions in A's home about how C is unhappy, distant depressed, but I don't see that. (A's mom has alluded to this to me) C is just being C--she loves her alone time and doesn't suffer fools gladly.

 

My thinking is that this is a boundary issue--C tried to set some and A won't respect that. A IS just like her mom and they are both very kind and sweet. A's mom has quite the temper though, and A doesn't think she is doing anything wrong (her mom obviously agrees). I don't think C should be forced to be anything other than cordial, though, and A needs to respect her when she asks her to give her space.

 

I'm a little miffed at A's mom because she knows our family has been under strain the last few months--I had emergency open heart surgery in March and there was little hope I would survive for several days. This rift between the girls is just not a big deal in the big scheme of things. I think the poster who said A's mom can't comprehend someone not wanting to be friends with her dd is accurate.

 

Oh, and get this...the day after A was forbidden to speak to C she left a sappy card on C's desk about friends always being there for one another. :)

Edited May 12, 2012 by Carrie Sue

[kalanamak]

This rift between the girls is just not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

 

I would ignore as much as possible. Sounds like C might be happy if you did, too.

 

Is C enough of a tomboy to hang with the fellows? Girls that age can be mean, so I tended to hang with the boys.

[Catwoman]

Thanks all, I am going to wait it out and see what happens next week. The girls have all summer to be distanced and can make a fresh start next year.

 

No, C doesn't bully anyone--she is quite compliant and puts others ahead of herself (letting the aggressive students pick projects first and taking what is leftover, for example). She does roll her eyes, get silent, and sigh loudly when annoyed. Then comes home and complains later :)

 

There really haven't been any "incidents" just this ongoing cycle of A pestering and C being short with her. I'm sure there have been discussions in A's home about how C is unhappy, distant depressed, but I don't see that. (A's mom has alluded to this to me) C is just being C--she loves her alone time and doesn't suffer fools gladly.

 

My thinking is that this is a boundary issue--C tried to set some and A won't respect that. A IS just like her mom and they are both very kind and sweet. A's mom has quite the temper though, and A doesn't think she is doing anything wrong (her mom obviously agrees). I don't think C should be forced to be anything other than cordial, though, and A needs to respect her when she asks her to give her space.

 

I'm a little miffed at A's mom because she knows our family has been under strain the last few months--I had emergency open heart surgery in March and there was little hope I would survive for several days. This rift between the girls is just not a big deal in the big scheme of things. I think the poster who said A's mom can't comprehend someone not wanting to be friends with her dd is accurate.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. I also think you've got more important things on your mind than this flighty girl and her mom, so unless the mom says something else to your dd, I'd just let it go for now. Personally, I think the mom should have cut your dd a break, no matter what she said to her dd, because for crying out loud, you nearly died! Doesn't that idiot mom realize what a strain that put on your dd???

 

Sounds like both the mom and the dd are incredibly self-centered. Sure, they act lovely and want to be everyone's friend, but maybe it's just to make sure they're always the center of attention... and when things don't go their way, the narcissistic mom goes ballistic. (She probably thinks you and your dd will be heartbroken because she has banned your dd from talking to her kid, what with her kid being the center of the universe and all. :rolleyes:)

 

Now that I know you were so ill, I am having very mean feelings toward that other mom! (Are you OK now? :grouphug:)

[MomatHWTK]

I would consider a good thing that A has been forbidden to talk to C and take it as a relief.

[Carrie Sue]

I think you're doing the right thing. I also think you've got more important things on your mind than this flighty girl and her mom, so unless the mom says something else to your dd, I'd just let it go for now. Personally, I think the mom should have cut your dd a break, no matter what she said to her dd, because for crying out loud, you nearly died! Doesn't that idiot mom realize what a strain that put on your dd???

 

Sounds like both the mom and the dd are incredibly self-centered. Sure, they act lovely and want to be everyone's friend, but maybe it's just to make sure they're always the center of attention... and when things don't go their way, the narcissistic mom goes ballistic. (She probably thinks you and your dd will be heartbroken because she has banned your dd from talking to her kid, what with her kid being the center of the universe and all. :rolleyes:)

 

Now that I know you were so ill, I am having very mean feelings toward that other mom! (Are you OK now? :grouphug:)

 

Thanks! I am doing well, have a mechanical aortic valve now and am on lots of meds, but I feel about 70% normal--it's not even been 3 months since I went in to the ER--seems like a bad dream now.

 

Thinking about this year, I kind of think that C is just now starting to speak her mind and stand up for herself. When she was younger, she would just put up with A and her flightiness. Now she's starting to confront her on it, set boundaries, etc...so A and her mom think she has "changed" and is "so negative." I do think they are nice people--they swooped in to take in DD at the beginning of my ordeal--thankfully, my sister knew enough to call dd at their house and say, "C, no one will know what I'm asking you, so just say 'yes' or 'no'--is A driving you nuts and do you need me to come pick you up?" lol, C said "yes" and was rescued :)

[Carrie Sue]

I would ignore as much as possible. Sounds like C might be happy if you did, too.

 

Is C enough of a tomboy to hang with the fellows? Girls that age can be mean, so I tended to hang with the boys.

I have suggested this and she has a couple she can hang with. She also hangs with the 3/4th grade girls and loves to help with the toddlers/preschoolers (unfortnately, so does A). Last year, she had been asked to help with the preschool snack time and A had to horn in and get involved in that--no one can tell her no.