Gender differences in handling frustration

[Pegasus]

Do you think it is odd that a high school age girl would cry when she is very frustrated?

 

I'm looking for honest opinions because I think it is totally normal but DH thinks that DD15 needs to learn to stop doing this. He thinks it is totally outside the bounds of what "typical" people do.

 

I should clarify that I'm talking about eyes welling up with tears and a few sniffles. DD doesn't bawl or sob.

 

So, what do you think is the "proper" emotional display for frustration when you've tried really hard but still don't understand a math problem, for example. :confused:

 

Pegasus

[SuperDad]

Do you think it is odd that a high school age girl would cry when she is very frustrated?

 

I'm looking for honest opinions because I think it is totally normal but DH thinks that DD15 needs to learn to stop doing this. He thinks it is totally outside the bounds of what "typical" people do.

 

I should clarify that I'm talking about eyes welling up with tears and a few sniffles. DD doesn't bawl or sob.

 

So, what do you think is the "proper" emotional display for frustration when you've tried really hard but still don't understand a math problem, for example.

Pegasus

I personally find this to be hardly out of the ordinary. Admittedly, I've never been a teen girl myself, but all six of my kidlets are gals. Crying out of frustration - especially when it's not full-blown sobbing, and even more especially when you add hormones and such to the mix - is fairly typical for my oldest (age 13) and not unusual for my-second oldest, either (age 12). You might want to make sure there's no underlying stress or anxiety issue, since both of those can trigger frequent tears, but if I were you I wouldn't be too worried. JMHO.

[JenneinCA]

I don't think it is out of ordinary for someone of any age to cry when very frustrated.

 

I cry when very frustrated. It is better than cussing, throwing things, or any number of other actions. Frustration is a part of life. Dealing with the frustration is part of life too. It would be horribly hypocritical of me to give my child a hard time for doing what I do.

[elegantlion]

I don't find it odd.

 

I do the same thing, sometimes I can't control it, it just happens. It's an emotional response, people have emotions. I do find my dh is uncomfortable when I cry. He doesn't know how to respond and used to try to tell me to stop. He doesn't do that anymore.

[Pegasus]

I do find my dh is uncomfortable when I cry. He doesn't know how to respond and used to try to tell me to stop. He doesn't do that anymore.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I really think this is the crux of our issue. DH handles frustration by yelling and/or cussing and he really just doesn't think it is normal to cry about it.

 

I appreciate the other responses as well. I think perhaps DH should go live in SuperDad's house for a while. Oh my! DH thought he was surrounded by estrogen with 2 DDs!

[Ester Maria]

Warning you that I will be honest and that my opinion will probably not be the one of the majority.

 

That being said - YES. I find it odd, possibly worrisome (though this would depend on a child), if it is a frequent occurance or a semi-automatic pattern that gets activated when she is faced with this level of frustration.

 

I never comment on these things on the boards because I do not want to be a downer, but whenever I read of children melting down and crying over schoolwork, or whenever such intense emotions about it are involved that they bring about a physical expression like tears, it makes me really, really uncomfortable. I do not think it is or should be "normal" in the upper elementary, let alone in high school. Even in lower elementary, I would be very careful with a child with this tendency and I would find these two things - emotionally overwhelming schoolwork and a tendency not to control oneself when expressing it - something to actively keep an eye on and guide. Again, all of this is if you are talking of a *pattern* of expressing frustration, not an isolated incident every once in a long while that happens to most everybody.

 

I have two teenage daughters roughly your daughter's age. Hormones are crazy and they are not perfectly emotionally stable. But, crying over "small stuff" - and school *is* small stuff, because as academic as we are as a family, we make it crystal clear that in the grand scheme of things formal schoolwork is not something to stress about so much - is NOT a normal occurance. I would find it very worrying if my children found schoolwork so emotionally draining to cry over it, even if it is a quiet cry like you describe, even if on a semi-regular basis. Whenever I see them about to cry over small stuff, I get paralyzed with fear that something is really wrong about this. They are not emotionally numb and they certainly do feel and express some strong emotions, even with crying, but NOT over small stuff and especially NOT on a regular basis.

 

Also - and I may differ here in general parenting from most people - I do *not* encourage, at any age, a completely free and completely spontaneous display of all emotions that arise. I think children should learn self-control in this aspect of their lives too, and sometimes expressing frustration so much exacerbates what would have calmed down with a little self-control and a few deep breaths (this has been my personal experience too). While I think it is important not to bottle things up, I think self-control goes a long way too, and little frequent emotional outbursts of frustration over small stuff are not something I consider necessary or positive.

 

When you are frustrated with schoolwork so much that emotions begin to work more than ratio, you step aside. Close the book. Go wash your face. A few deep breaths - it physically relaxes you even against your will. Go take a walk. Drink some water. Come back to it refreshed, or change an activity meanwhile. Schoolwork is NOT worth your nerves - if you are honestly doing your best and stumbling into normal obstacles, things are good.

 

Crying is for serious things going seriously wrong. For people dying, an emotional stress of huge life changes, unexpected dangerous events, occasional relationship tensions, etc.

Day to day low key frustrations over small stuff are dealt with differently and this is where self-control is learning to be developed and employed to the maximum extent possible. Day to day normal life with normal frustrations accompanying it are to be taken easy and not too "seriously". I try to model taking things easy with my children. It does not mean that things do not matter, but it does mean that we are making a conscious decision to redirect some of our instincts in dealing with them - catching frustration early, addressing it on a physical level, removing ourselves from the situation for a bit, etc. Preventing emotions overwhelming us before it happens, sort of.

 

I have a child who is teary eyed over something like that maybe two to three times per year, and that is probably between the two of them too (okay, the eldest is away now, but you get the point). And at that point, *I* usually close their books and make them go wash their face, have a glass of water, maybe snack something, and change activities for a while.

I have never cried over schoolwork as a child. I do not know anyone who did, especially at that age.

 

So, *for me*, within my family culture and what I know as normal, it would not be normal and it would possibly be worrisome.

[MIch elle]

I'm a cry baby - always was and still am. I'm now MORE comfortable with my level of crying which is by most people's standards WAY too much!

 

My eldest son is just like me. It's harder for him because men don't cry (or they're not suppose to)! He's learned to hold it in now that's he's 18yo.

 

Your daughter sounds perfectly normal to me!! She's probably healthier for NOT holding it in! :D

[klmama]

I think it's normal. She's not sobbing or wailing. She is in her home environment, where she is most comfortable and safe, so I don't think allowing a few tears to rise is that surprising if she is extremely frustrated. I think back to high school where I saw otherwise very stable girls cry when learning difficult math or music theory and after reading audition results - in comparison, her response doesn't sound like much at all. I wouldn't worry.

[abbeyej]

Are you talking about daily (or more often), or once every few weeks (or less often)?

[Mom22ns]

I think it is well within the range of normal. Tears welling up in frustration, not sobbing or bawling, is in my mind a very reasonable expression of emotion. I'm in the emotions are to be expressed not repressed camp. I do think she should be able to control them when necessary. At home, in front of mom, is not a time it should be necessary. I'm the safe place for my kids to express emotion.

 

Does she cry in public? My dd will cry over school work, but would never cry at youth or any church activity, at band, or unless seriously injured at the gym. She can control it. She just doesn't find it necessary to hide emotions from me and I don't want her to.

[regentrude]

I think it is normal.

I cried in college a few times, in utterly stressing and frustrating class situations.

I have outgrown it and it did not doom me to a life overrun by emotion.

[Candid]

Do you think it is odd that a high school age girl would cry when she is very frustrated?

 

I'm looking for honest opinions because I think it is totally normal but DH thinks that DD15 needs to learn to stop doing this. He thinks it is totally outside the bounds of what "typical" people do.

 

I should clarify that I'm talking about eyes welling up with tears and a few sniffles. DD doesn't bawl or sob.

 

So, what do you think is the "proper" emotional display for frustration when you've tried really hard but still don't understand a math problem, for example. :confused:

 

Pegasus

 

I think you are both right. It is normal, but it is something she should be working on. I did this when I was angry as well, and the first time I controlled it and held it back, it was POWER!

 

Your dd is going to encounter a lot of things that are tough and a lot of abrasive people in her life. She needs to get a grip on this as soon as possible because your dh is right, adults who succeed don't do this at work. Even more importantly it is a massive self-esteem moment to have someone go at you unfairly and not break down, but glare back. She needs this skill in her toolbox of life skills.

[lllll]

..

[Pegasus]

Wow, I really appreciate the variety of responses. I hope I didn't give the impression that DD is an emotional basket case, crying daily over her math. I just used math as an example. She's more typically perfectly happy with her math. :001_smile:

 

I do understand and appreciate the folks who point out that it is a good skill to be able to manage/hide your frustration when needed and I have witnessed DD managing her frustration until a more appropriate time, as when a more abrasive supervisor was critiquing her volunteer work. DD held it together, finished the job, and vented her frustration to me on the drive home.

 

Much to think about. Thank you!

 

Pegasus

[LizzyBee]

Tears release bad chemicals from the body. There's nothing wrong with having a good cry once in a while instead of holding it in and having a heart attack instead. That said, I have one who cries at the drop of a hat and is manipulative with it. It drives me batty!