Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Removed very personal post. Thanks to all who read, pm'ed, posted, and cared. I just don't want to leave the details up, but feel free to pm if you want to discuss the topic. Love, TD Edited February 20, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar 2.0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frugalmama Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 It kind of depends on what church you are mentioning - shunning makes me thing Amish / Mennonite, and I think the correct thing in those faiths to do is to either not attend and go afterward to pay your respects, or to attend but make it low-key and stay off to the side. But I could be wrong. Would it be possible to leave the kids with a sitter or someone else? If things are possibly going to get nasty, it might be easier if the kids aren't there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Oh, :grouphug: I am sorry you are having to go through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I would be hesitant to take my children into a situation like that. If you really feel the need to fi, I would find a place for the kids to stay. You will be less stressed knowing they will not be confronted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I can understand you wanting to be there to support your cousin, but I would be inclined not to bring my children so they wouldn't be exposed to the harsh "feelings" against you and your husband. IOW I would protect them from hearing those things and being exposed to hateful beliefs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Just first thoughts...they stepped away from you, not the other way around. What is a funeral for? Well, the deceased does not know whether you are there or not...it is the living, the ones left behind. We go to honor the deceased and to support and encourage their loved ones. Right? So, I think that if you know that the ones who are his loved ones have shunned you and have not let you know that they are past that, then I would think you are free to not attend. It's kind of one of those things where SOMEONE is going to find issue with you know matter what, most likely. But like I said, THEY removed themselves from YOUR life. So, I guess if you want to show respect for the deceased, you would respect that distance. But...I could be wrong. Most importantly, I'm so very sorry for ALL of this. :grouphug::grouphug: Edited to add...maybe you could contact the cousin and ask if he would like you to be there for them. Or, maybe you could have your OWN time with them...a meal? Edited February 20, 2012 by MSPolly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I am sorry for you loss. Can you go and support the cousin, braced for what you know might hit? If possible I would leave the kids out of it. I skipped the funeral of a friend last year because I couldn't walk back into our previous church. I felt too emotionally vulnerable. But if it had been family I would have had no excuse. I would go, pay your respects. Don't let their actions affect your actions. If you believe it is important to go to show respect, to support the other black sheep, then go. Stand taller, deep breaths, and afterward cast off any harsh words spoken to you or about you, even from the pulpit. Your cousin will remember who was there to support him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 frugalmama, it's not as strict as Amish, it's more like what we hear of from 'restoration era' churches sometimes, LDS, JW, church of Christ. I don't want to name which one, I guess. So nobody would bar the door to the church, and possibly nobody would say much of anything directly to us. Or it could be a hellfire and brimstone sermon, made even worse because we're there. I just don't know. You all have honed in on it, I'm most concerned about my boys being exposed to anything negative. Thank you. I'm seeing that more clearly now. I'll as DH how he feels about leaving the boys with friends while we go just to the funeral. MsPolly, I guess I'm also concerned about whether or not they do want us there. The remaining family who think we're sinners, I mean. Who do I ask about that, without hugely offending or causing a flap? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I would consider going alone, sitting by your cousin, and giving him the support he needs. Your children don't need to be exposed to the vitriol, and their presence may be valued for appearances sake only, especially if those in that particular branch of your extended family haven't gotten to know them due to the shunning. At some point, you get to decide whether or not catering to Grandma's view of things is worth denying what you know to be true and good. (I assume she is still alive?) Ask me how I know. And yes, I was a black sheep.:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I'd give the funeral a miss. Arrange some flowers or whatever is apppropriate as a gesture of respect to your late uncle, then contact your cousin to arrange a get together at a different time to offer your love/support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Go. Kids stay home. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 MsPolly, I guess I'm also concerned about whether or not they do want us there. The remaining family who think we're sinners, I mean. Who do I ask about that, without hugely offending or causing a flap? Hugs! You are going out of LOVE, let that be your guide, God is your fortress, your shield...through Him you can show His love to them...depending on the age (over 12 take them, under 12 do not) of your sons would I decide whether to bring them. Let your human insecurities and fears belong to God...let it go and let God...be there for them the way they were not for you, that is what Jesus would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Double post...don't know how I did that.... Edited February 20, 2012 by chepyl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thank you all so much. You verify my feeling that I should go to the funeral (isn't that the rule, always go to the funeral) but validate my concern about taking the kids into that environment. I would like to go but leave the boys at home. That is a good compromise. I'll go at the last and leave near the first to avoid conversations I don't want to have, but I'll be there for the service because it's right for a niece to go to her uncle's funeral. :grouphug: Thanks for understanding. I'm so sorry for those who understand from personal experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Saying a prayer for you Tibbie. :grouphug: If your presence only matters to that one cousin, it will be worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 We had a family member die a few years back. I don't want to go into details, but he was not someone I cared for. Nonetheless, we gathered up the kids and went to the funeral. The service was not welcoming to us (and some others) in a number of ways. HOWEVER - I am so, so glad that we went. We were able to be there for a family member who was an important part of the deceased's life but who was completely ignored by the service. That person would have felt very awkward if they had to be there alone, but we were able to surround them and love them and be there for them, as a family. We gave them someone to sit with at the service, someone to stand with afterwards, someone to be there and help them with their grief, accepting that it was a mixed feelings kind of grief. It helped that person to be in the church and get through the service, which was important for them because of their connection to the deceased. It also set a great example for my own family - that you do the right thing, even when it's uncomfortable for you to do so. That you're there for family when they need you. That the basics of human decency transcend faith (or lack therof). I don't know how young your kids are; if they're little 'uns then I'd probably leave them home. But if they're old enough to understand a little of what may be said without taking the negative to heart, and strong enough to watch mom and dad as examples of a grace in difficult situation, it may be an important experience for everyone involved. If you do take them, and they are old enough, be sure to be honest and up-front with them about your own mixed feelings, and help them to work through theirs before and after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thank you all so much. You verify my feeling that I should go to the funeral (isn't that the rule, always go to the funeral) but validate my concern about taking the kids into that environment. I would like to go but leave the boys at home. That is a good compromise. I'll go at the last and leave near the first to avoid conversations I don't want to have, but I'll be there for the service because it's right for a niece to go to her uncle's funeral. :grouphug: Thanks for understanding. I'm so sorry for those who understand from personal experience. Yes, you go because it's the right thing to do, and your cousin needs your support. No, you don't take your kids because it's the right thing to do to keep them from experiencing the bigotry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I'm sorry for your family's loss and for all of the difficult circumstances in your family. It looks like you're leaning toward leaving your kids, and I'd just encourage that. It's not their baggage to carry, so if they don't have much of a relationship, it won't benefit them at all to be there. Remember that you're not responsible for what they think about you or how they take your words. You're just responsible for the way you love them and speak to and about them. So speak in love and compassion, and trust that the Lord might use those words in a way you may never see. Go, be low key, be supportive and loving in whatever way is possible/acceptable, and know that you've done your best to love and honor your family and the Lord. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 When things are being said about you, just take that time to pray for your uncle and your cousins and don't let the words even enter your heart. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Will there be a time after the actual service when people get together for food? Maybe you and dh could go to the funeral service but bring your kids to the food part so people could see them--if no one will be ugly to the kids there. I think you can still write a note, send flowers, send food, etc. If you need to, send food and flowers anonymously so they don't know for sure they have to shun the person who sent it. That would be an expression of love from you, which would probably be comforting to you to know you'd done it and perhaps could be received by them if they didn't know who it was from. Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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