Sue G in PA Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I lost it some time ago. I'm not sure where I put it. Perhaps it's hiding under all the clutter in my house that I cannot seem to get a handle on. Perhaps it's buried under all the stress I'm constantly feeling b/c of money (never having enough). It could have been wiped out by all the feelings of bitterness and resentment I feel toward my dh right now (I don't have time to get into all that right now, but there are issues). Now, I'm not depressed. A touch of post-partum blues, perhaps, but not depressed. BTDT. Overwhelmed, yes. Angry, yes. I've been angry for years, I guess. Angry about money, gas prices, too much work for one person to do, clutter eveyrwhere, dh's job not really paying all our bills (it never did), kids who don't obey, the inequality of what I do vs. what dh does, always being the one to sacrifice, etc. I love my kids. I've always wanted to be a Mom and I'm so grateful to have the beautiful children I have. I'd never trade that for anything. I could just do w/out all the other junk that goes along w/ it. I'm just not capable of managing this home. Like I said in my other thread, I feel like I've been expected to perfrom brain surgery...with a toothpick. I don't have the time or energy to really enjoy my kids anymore. My day is consumed w/ disciplining, cleaning, doing laundry, feeding the baby, feeding the baby again, cleaning up "poop" b/c my almost 3yo just can't seem to get it together and use the bathroom, clearing away this pile of junk or that pile of paper, screaming at the kids to straighten up the living room for the 100th time (only to have it messed up 5 minutes later), finding new doctors b/c our insurance doesn't cover our current doctor (the one we've been going to for over 10 years and who I'm comfortable with and who doesn't question our decisions NOT to vaccinate), worrying about how to pay this bill or that bill, feeling guilty b/c I can't take the kids to a friend's house 20 miles away or sign them up for "x" activity b/c we don't have it in our budget. You get the picture. I've ruined my kids b/c of my stress. I see "me" in them more often than I want to admit. I'm just feeling like throwing in the towel (not THAT towel...it's not THAT bad!). Dh doesn't get it. Never will. I haven't been out w/ any of my IRL friends in months. There isn't anyone to talk to...except you all. Aren't you feeling lucky. :D Sorry to vent...again. I'm just feeling rather low and hopeless and defeated. Flylady says take baby steps. Well, baby steps won't have my house looking decent before I turn 100. There's just too much to do and it's just me. Okay, off to feed the baby...again. Thanks for listening/reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I have no advice to offer. I can only offer my prayers and a virtual hug!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (In fact, I'll give you 3). If I were near by I would love to come over and help you-watch your kids, organize your closet, or just listen!!! I think you just can not under-estimate the amount of energy that it takes to care for a family of your size, including a new baby!!!!!! Please be gentle with yourself at this time. Please ask those you know in real life for help! And know that we are here for you virtually to listen and offer encouragement and support in whatever way we can. Know that I am praying for you today!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I'm sorry. The parenting gig is a challenge isn't it? It can be the best and the worst mixed together. It can bring out our best, or our worst. Let's formulate a plan. What bothers you the most? A particular room? A particular habit? Lack of a workable schedule? You must fix it, and only it. Pick only one thing and conquer it. Then flex your muscles, look around and pick something else. Conquer it. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Once I was so overwhelmed with my life. I had a teenager who hated me. I mean she would hit me. She would rip clothing off of me. She would say things to me that would make anyone cringe. Disputes over how to deal with this consumed our marriage until there was nothing left but two strangers who did not like each other most days. The whole family was being destroyed by this dynamic and I was powerless to stop it. I lived like this for about 3 years. I begged God to let it be over. Begged Him. Daily. I would chant under my breath "I know I will go to heaven, can I please go now?" Life was not precious. Life was not a gift. I began to be in debalitating pain. There were nights I sat up crying. Once dh took me to the ER and I was screaming in pain the whole way there. It took nearly 2 years for a doctor to figure out what to look for. It was an ovarian tumor and it was really, really big. And you can't biopsy those things. It took about a month to see a specialist and in that time I was facing the fact that if the tumor were to be malignant, it was already too late to fight it. Ovarian cancer is a silent killer, by the time you feel it it is too late. And that was the best time of life for me. I was literally terrified. Not of dying, but of leaving life. Suddenly life was precious. Life was a gift. I wanted to live, I repented of bad attitudes and ungratefulness. And then benign was my favorite word in the world. I recovered from surgery and life went back to what it was. But I never went back to what I was and I never will. No matter my circumstances I am THRILLED to be here. I am thrilled to love my husband. I am thrilled to love my kids, even the prickly one (who is no longer prickly after a regimate of unbreachable boundaries tempered with unconditional boundless love from her momma). If you had to leave this life tomorrow, what would you miss the most? Go embrace that NOW. Life's messy, clean it up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 It must be the summer blues or something in the water because it seems that there is a lot of frustration, conflict and just a general feeling of insecurity among many of us on the board right now. Am I the only feeling sensing this? I know that in my house for the last month there has been a bit more conflict in opinions, communication and expectations among all of us. I guess my advice is what I try to tell myself....hang in there and it will get better and consider the fact that there is ALWAYS someone out there that is in a far worse situation. Not easy to do I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarheel Heather Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Here's some hugs, Is there anyone you that has teenagers for a mother's helper one day or so a week? :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarheel Heather Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Here's some hugs, Is there anyone you know that has teenagers for a mother's helper one day or so a week? :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 :grouphug:Aw, Sue, you're overwhelmed. And that's so understandable. Put together a house full of littles and the stress of never having enough money....aaaargh! Are any of your kids old enough to help out with household stuff? My oldest girls can sometimes sense when I've reached my limit, and they put in a little extra effort cleaning stuff up to help Mom out. Maybe a serious talk with one or two of your olders could convince them to help out a little more? And your joy? You see all those little faces running around in your house? There's your joy... I know right now it looks like sticky fingers and tantrums and diapers :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne/Ankara Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I don't have the time or energy to really enjoy my kids anymore. My day is consumed w/ disciplining, cleaning, doing laundry, feeding the baby, feeding the baby again, cleaning up "poop" b/c my almost 3yo just can't seem to get it together and use the bathroom, clearing away this pile of junk or that pile of paper, screaming at the kids to straighten up the living room for the 100th time (only to have it messed up 5 minutes later), finding new doctors b/c our insurance doesn't cover our current doctor (the one we've been going to for over 10 years and who I'm comfortable with and who doesn't question our decisions NOT to vaccinate), worrying about how to pay this bill or that bill, feeling guilty b/c I can't take the kids to a friend's house 20 miles away or sign them up for "x" activity b/c we don't have it in our budget. You get the picture. I've ruined my kids b/c of my stress. I see "me" in them more often than I want to admit. Oh, Sue! I wish I could give you some encouragement. All I know that this is definitely a season in your life, and one day you probably, unfathomably, will even look back on these years with nostalgia and contentment! I have really found that as my kids grow up, things are much, much easier on me. My youngest is now 12, and it is amazing how far we have all come. So, hopefully you'll see improvement as time goes on, and that your days will get increasingly easier, more enjoyable and more satisfying, as many of us "older" moms can attest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KellyGirl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I have often been where you are. And when I don't find joy in my family, it makes me feel guilty and then I find even less joy in them. But take heart - seasons DO change.:grouphug: Some of the times that I have been really down, there is a song I listen to (over and over) by the Robbie Seay Band called "Here Come Better Days". And I fix my eyes on what matters most. I am here cleaning up after these kids all day long because we chose to invest in their lives. I recognize that sometimes I need to give myself a big old time out - I'm shutting the bedroom door nobody talk to me for 5 min. and just don't kill each other. Then I can focus better on their needs without blowing up, (which I do far to often). I'm saying a prayer for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancypants Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 When I hear stuff like this I start to think that sometimes sending the kids to school for a year or two, to regain your bearings, would not be the end of the world. Kwim? But then I know that when I start feeling overwhelmed and under a pile too large to even budge under, I start contemplating it... and then I realize, nope... I'm not there yet. I might be some day but I'm not there yet. And then I get my butt in gear and start taking dominion over what I really can handle and just don't want to... AND sometimes it's really okay just to call school off for some detox time, that includes some real house spring cleaning and personal renovation! When I do this, it helps me to not only turn school off for a while, but to turn my computer off for a while because computer time is often what lures me away from doing the things that I really can handle and just don't want to handle! As for the stuff that is really beyond our control, the only way to deal with it besides running away (which is just not a viable option) is praying and waiting and reminding myself that whatever it is is ultimately for my good, though I can't possibly see how that might be true from my vantage point. I am a firm believer that God gives us more than we can handle. Yes... you heard me right! I am absolutely and emphatically not a believer that "God only gives us what we can handle." He frequently gives us more than we can handle so that we might constantly be reminded that we are not in control and that we have to rely on him in everything -- good, bad and ugly. I pray that your faith and joy, though they may seem as thin and precarious as a thread right now, might catch a ray of sun, like a taut fishing line sometimes looks invisible but then is suddenly illuminated... a line that is being pulled and yanked and tested, and may that glimpse give you hope so that you might be reminded that your line is still in the water... The joy of the LORD is my strength... not my own ability to maintain a cheerful and sunny disposition through the crap streams of life. HIS joy is what gives me strength... and I, and you, are His joy and He delights over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie in Oh Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 This is coming from someone who so understands where you are. I am there many a day (w/o the $ constraints). You are in a hard, hard place. But you need to choose whether you are going to stay there or if you are going to take control of what you are able to. The money is not in your control. THe house/kids/school are in your hands. You are ultimately responsible for them all for God has put you where you are. YOu have asked a few times of late of house organization strategies. Have you tried anything or are you so overwhelmed that you can't see a dent and so you just don't do anything? I have been there. Here is what I do. . . The house can make me despondant very quickly. It is my surroundings 24/7 so when it is out of control I feel out of control. You have at least 4, maybe 5 kids who are capable of doing something. So, look around-- what are the 5-6 worst areas RIGHT NOW? I just did this an hour ago so I can tell you, they were: the kitchen and school room floors, the living room, the 1/2 bath in its entirety, the kitchen counters, the backed up laundry, and the entry way closet. Ds was already in the garden weeding, so 8 yo did the living room, 6 yo swept the floors, 4 yo did the entry way closet and folded the towels that were backing up the laundry, and I did the kitchen and I will do the bathroom. In an hour, the house is so much more tolerable. Then, I assign more. SOme of the kids get into the mode and find things on their own to be done: 8 yo also fixed all the bookshleves in the schoolroom (straightened the books) and 6 yo is in the laundry room sweeping up cat litter and food. Those weren't in my line of vision, but they saw them and they did it without being asked. Sue, I say this gently, but you can't do it all, itis TOO MCUH for one person. You HAVE to train those kids to help. I get the feeling they don't do much until you lose it and then they do a little and the it sprials down from there. Huddle them up, apologize for losing it, explain you are tired and stressed from the new baby and money issues, and tell them they are the greatest kids in the world and hug them and kiss them and love on them. Then, tell them Momma needs help. She can't do it all. We are taking the next hour to do X, y, and z. Then do it. You will feel better, they will feel better and you will accomplish something to boot. I hope there is something you can take that will help and encourage you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I have started writing this exact post a few times in the last few weeks and wasn't brave enough to post it. I so understand how you are feeling! No advice, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Sue, can I ask you if you take fish oil? I know that sounds simplistic, but you sound like me 2-3 years ago. Nothing worked. If I got one thing under control, something else slipped away. Instead of focusing on the good I was doing, it was always the thing that was sliding that made me feel like a failure. Taking my fish oil every day helps me to focus on the positives and enjoy my life more. Everything is still in disarray; I'm just no longer consumed by it. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 YOu have asked a few times of late of house organization strategies. Have you tried anything or are you so overwhelmed that you can't see a dent and so you just don't do anything? I have been there. Here is what I do. . . I have tried a few things. Many things. I've made a dent in my kitchen. And this might seem small, but the ants (we always have ant issues each spring/summer) just won't go away and it makes me feel defeated even though the counter is now immaculate and the sink is shiny and dishes have been washed ASAP and put away. And, yes, I am almost too overwhelmed to move. My kids all have assigned chores. But honestly, it is almost easier to just let it go b/c I'm always met w/ complaints and attitudes (except for my dd11 mostly). They do dishes, sweep, tidy, vacuum sometimes, dd11 cleans the bathroom, do their own laundry, etc. Since the baby, we've gotten out of the habit, I guess. I don't know. Yes, it is too much for one person. I just told my dh that the other night when he arrogantly said, "well, it IS your job isn't it?". I sure wish we could switch places for a week. One of the biggest things that makes me feel defeated is cooking. I'm not an accomplished cook. I don't enjoy it. All that time for a meal that takes 10 minutes to eat. No thank you. But, I must cook something for my family to eat that is healthy and my aresenal consists of breakfast foods (eggs, pancakes, french toast, etc.), pasta, frozen pizza, mac and cheese and the like. Lately, I've just not even had it in me to cook those things. So, when dh isn't home to cook...the kids fend for themselves. Cereal, sandwhiches, etc. To everyone who responded...thanks bunches for your encouragement, again. You all are the best friends a girl could ever have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 :grouphug: Remember how well you cook or keep your home is not a reflection on who you are. The love you have for your kids, even when they are being.. well kids, is the love that will live on for generations to come. You will actually look back on this time and wonder where it went. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Try to find joy in small things. And know that you are most defiantly not alone in these feelings. I try to find my joy on a daily basis... I think it's hiding under all those dirty dishes in the sink. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Sue, I could barely get anything done when my boys were babies. There is no way I can address everything you posted, but I will suggest a couple of things. First of all, please try to find time once a month to spend with a friend(s). It does wonders for me. Second, if your husband has spare time to help, please make sure you are direct about what you need help with. Like, ________ can you please vacuum and get the kids ready for bed? I was always walking around making little comments like, "Some people don't have time to relax" when my husband suggested I watch a movie with him, or something. Most of the time he was clueless to the clutter and to what my remaining expectations were for the day. Finally, we got to a place where he told me, "If you would like me to do something, just ask. I cannot read your mind." Now, sometimes he'll say, "Can I do something to help with dinner? (he's my chopper or fruit preparer), or "what can I do to help?" but if not and I feel stressed, I'll just ask for help. I'm not sure of your children's ages, but a chore chart works wonders in rounding up help. No chores = no food (at least none until the chores are done). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Well, everyone else has already given the advice I would've given, so I will say, I agree with what they posted and chime in with some HUGS!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Sue, I felt like this last year. I finally decided that by not taking care of myself, I really wasn't being the best parent I could be. I was just physically and mentally drained from some specific dc problems that I couldn't easily 'fix'. I was feeling grouchy and angry. I had a big talk with dh. I told him he needed to watch the kids a few times a week so I can go for a walk/bike ride/take a peaceful shower. And that on the weekend we were all going to spend an hour or so on the housework. Because I was feeling like a maid. Then I gave myself permission to let stuff go for a few days and have FUN with my kids..enjoy each other again. It was great. Those are just the things I needed...you might need something else. You need to give yourself the ok to take care of your needs too. The other thing I had to do was to have the kids clean up before bed (once a day). With a 3 yr old it was pointless to pick up toys etc. during the day. Hugs. Just want you to know you CAN make things better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Sue, I had one more simple silly idea. Find a song that makes you happy. And listen to it and just choose to be joyful. One year around Christmas time I was going through some hard things and I played the song Joy to the World by Avalon over and over and over. I kept telling myself (literally outloud sometimes) "Choose joy, Mindy. Choose joy." It would really work. And later, I'd have to go back and do it again. Sometimes I would cry though the song the first two times and then I'd start singing. I found I could not sing that particular version of Joy to the World without finding a little joy within my heart. This is not a long term solution to your big issues, but it is a small thing that might help bring a little joy to the day!! Again, I'm still praying for you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
at the beach Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I lost it some time ago. I'm not sure where I put it. Perhaps it's hiding under all the clutter in my house that I cannot seem to get a handle on. Perhaps it's buried under all the stress I'm constantly feeling b/c of money (never having enough). It could have been wiped out by all the feelings of bitterness and resentment I feel toward my dh right now (I don't have time to get into all that right now, but there are issues). Now, I'm not depressed. A touch of post-partum blues, perhaps, but not depressed. BTDT. Overwhelmed, yes. Angry, yes. I've been angry for years, I guess. Angry about money, gas prices, too much work for one person to do, clutter eveyrwhere, dh's job not really paying all our bills (it never did), kids who don't obey, the inequality of what I do vs. what dh does, always being the one to sacrifice, etc. I love my kids. I've always wanted to be a Mom and I'm so grateful to have the beautiful children I have. I'd never trade that for anything. I could just do w/out all the other junk that goes along w/ it. I'm just not capable of managing this home. Like I said in my other thread, I feel like I've been expected to perfrom brain surgery...with a toothpick. I don't have the time or energy to really enjoy my kids anymore. My day is consumed w/ disciplining, cleaning, doing laundry, feeding the baby, feeding the baby again, cleaning up "poop" b/c my almost 3yo just can't seem to get it together and use the bathroom, clearing away this pile of junk or that pile of paper, screaming at the kids to straighten up the living room for the 100th time (only to have it messed up 5 minutes later), finding new doctors b/c our insurance doesn't cover our current doctor (the one we've been going to for over 10 years and who I'm comfortable with and who doesn't question our decisions NOT to vaccinate), worrying about how to pay this bill or that bill, feeling guilty b/c I can't take the kids to a friend's house 20 miles away or sign them up for "x" activity b/c we don't have it in our budget. You get the picture. I've ruined my kids b/c of my stress. I see "me" in them more often than I want to admit. I'm just feeling like throwing in the towel (not THAT towel...it's not THAT bad!). Dh doesn't get it. Never will. I haven't been out w/ any of my IRL friends in months. There isn't anyone to talk to...except you all. Aren't you feeling lucky. :D Sorry to vent...again. I'm just feeling rather low and hopeless and defeated. Flylady says take baby steps. Well, baby steps won't have my house looking decent before I turn 100. There's just too much to do and it's just me. Okay, off to feed the baby...again. Thanks for listening/reading. :grouphug: Oh, Sue, I feel like you do at times, and I only have 3 kids. I don't know how you do it. Plus, you have a new little one to take care of. Mothering a baby is time consuming. Mothering is time consuming in general. You said, "I don't have time or energy to enjoy my kids anymore." So, this is my advice to add to all the other wonderful advice you've received. What I would do right now is, as someone else suggested, enlist the help of your kids to get the house under control. Get rid of whatever you aren't using. If you can't bear to do that, put it in a box and tape it shut. Then, get rid of it later. Have boxes or laundry baskets in rooms to put things in so it isn't everywhere. I feel NUTS when my house is piled full of stuff everywhere. I would probably do no school over the summer. Just reconnect with your children. I'd also probably disconnect the TV and video game equipment and send them outside with a sprinkler, hose, splash pool, sidewalk chalk, whatever. With school, I'd honestly consider doing only math and one *easy to use* comprehensive Language Arts program for each kid. For the rest, I'd just get them library books. Math and an easy to implement language arts program is all they really need IMHO. Don't attempt to do more right now if you can't. In fact, just try to scale back and see if it helps your situation. Anita Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I wonder if it is all this terrible weather in the mid=west. I am not a depressed personality type, but I tell you - if I didn't know better - I would say I am depressed! What gives? I hope you feel better soon. Perhaps God puts these moments in our lives so that we appreciate when we do feel joy and can recognize it. Perhaps - but right now it sucks!! Good luck. I am up here at my computer, running away from my family. I'll be better tomorrow...I'll be better tomorrow... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB in NJ Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 (((((Sue))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 :grouphug: Lots and lots of them..... If i post a picture of my disaster of a desk area i'm working in will it help you? :) I'm working on the baby steps here, and was making great progress until i spent last week dealing with a computer problem, but i'll get there. And "we" will be there to help you get there too. I'm working on getting the kids to step up to the plate more. Heck, tonight - they actually got the dirty dishes in the dishwasher after dinner. I wish i was close enough to give you a hand for a bit - i'll be up that way next month. Running away to to a Scrapbook Retreat - shall i make my "driver" pick you up on the way by???? You've gotten lots of good advice, just know that you aren't walking the path alone ok???? (Jean - you too, sending lots of hugs to you both) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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