Tohru Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) I have a very dear friend that I've known for over 15 years. She's always been a unique person and a bit of a conspiracy theorist. We had so much fun together. I laughed with her more than any one else I've ever known. I felt like it didn't matter what I said/did/thought, she'd still be my friend. She got married about 5-6 years ago and moved away with her husband. During that time, I had only seen her a few times, once visiting her, twice she visited me. We did call each other frequently, at least once a month. The last time she visited, she had just gotten a divorce. It was a difficult visit because she was in a lot of emotional pain. When she left, we continued calling to connect. Her roommate problems sounded pretty horrible. Then, for no real reason, a year lapsed before we spoke again. The other day, she called me and I was very happy to hear from her. I asked what she's been up to, how she's been. She tells me that she spent the past year in and out of 6 different mental institutions for a government behavior modification program and now lives with her mother. The government is sending her messages every day but only she can hear them and the doctors are saying she has paranoid schizophrenia, but she doesn't because it really is the government and they want to invalidate her credibility...and on and on. Now I was a bit unsettled and not sure how to respond, so I changed the subject. I am so sad about this. I always thought that schizophrenia set in before mid-twenties and my friend is in her late 30's. If I look back, I think there may have been some signs, but hindsight is always 20/20. She does have 2 brothers, one of which was diagnosed with schizophrenia in his late teens and the other has mental health issues too. All 3 are in their late 30's early 40's and living with their mother. She asked me to bring everyone and come visit. I don't know what to say or do. I wish there was something I could do. Does it get better/easier? Edited January 11, 2012 by jadedone80 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I have a very dear friend that I've known for over 15 years. She's always been a unique person and a bit of a conspiracy theorist. We had so much fun together. I laughed with her more than any one else I've ever known. I felt like it didn't matter what I said/did/thought, she'd still be my friend. She got married about 5-6 years ago and moved away with her husband. During that time, I had only seen her a few times, once visiting her, twice she visited me. We did call each other frequently, at least once a month. The last time she visited, she had just gotten a divorce. It was a difficult visit because she was in a lot of emotional pain. When she left, we continued calling to connect. Her roommate problems sounded pretty horrible. Then, for no real reason, a year lapsed before we spoke again. The other day, she called me and I was very happy to hear from her. I asked what she's been up to, how she's been. She tells me that she spent the past year in and out of 6 different mental institutions for a government behavior modification program and now lives with her mother. The government is sending her messages every day but only she can hear them and the doctors are saying she has paranoid schizophrenia, but she doesn't because it really is the government and they want to invalidate her credibility...and on and on. Now I was a bit unsettled and not sure how to respond, so I changed the subject. I am so sad about this. I always thought that schizophrenia set in before mid-twenties and my friend is in her late 30's. If I look back, I think there may have been some signs, but hindsight is always 20/20. She does have 2 brothers, one of which was diagnosed with schizophrenia in his late teens and the other has mental health issues too. All 3 are in their late 30's early 40's and living with their mother. She asked me to bring everyone and come visit. I don't know what to say or do. I wish there was something I could do. Does it get better/easier? Yea, before I got later in your post, I was going to say that the signs were there. Schizophrenia does have a high heredity correlation. Schizophrenia is a literal *brain* problem. It does not usually get better. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 The other day, she called me and I was very happy to hear from her. I asked what she's been up to, how she's been. She tells me that she spent the past year in and out of 6 different mental institutions for a government behavior modification program and now lives with her mother. The government is sending her messages every day but only she can hear them and the doctors are saying she has paranoid schizophrenia, but she doesn't because it really is the government and they want to invalidate her credibility...and on and on. She asked me to bring everyone and come visit. I don't know what to say or do. I wish there was something I could do. Does it get better/easier? :grouphug: Very sad news. The course of this is unpredictable. If she has actually been hospitalized, and these are not fantasy, the chances she will be again are fairly high. Some people finally accept meds because they realize they are not tortured by voices on them. Some never do and it is a battle of involuntary commitments. I'd keep to phone calls until you see she's in a bit of a routine. If drugs are involved, the prognosis is worse, BTW. Poor thing. What will they do when mom is too old? I'd also try to stick with "reality-based" discussions. I wouldn't disagree about the voices, but I'd go on to talk about other things. You may find her interests and abilities are more pedestrian than they were. It is a disorder of the brain, and depth of conversation tends to slip as the years go by. If you can stand the sadness of it, people can benefit from phone calls and visits when hospitalized. Imagine a familiar voice in a sea of strangers... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 So sorry! I like what Kalanamak suggested. Keep talking to her as much as possible about things she is familiar with. Can you reminisce about your good times in the past? Can she remember accurately or is everything tainted by the "voices"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope in God Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I'm sorry to hear about your friend. The same thing happened to a friend of mine except she thinks she is living in the middle ages. It one of the things in life that I just can't wrap my head around. She WAS fine and now she is just so different. It became almost impossible to talk to her because she would only talk about her reality and the prince that she was going to marry but he was murdered by one of his own knights on their wedding day etc... What do you say to that? In the end we lost contact because I became the suspicion of her paranoia (I was somehow "triggering" her). If your friend wants a relationship with you she will call you but in my experience I have found pursuing a relationship with an unstable person to be very difficult. The relationship has to be on their terms- when they are in the right space. I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 my husband has a long-time friend who wasn't dx with this until he was in his late 20s, so I think it can happen. He definitely had a descent into the illness which may have been precipitated by extreme stress. Perhaps this is what happened with your friend. She could hold it together until something snapped. Unfortunately, our friend has gotten worse over the years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Oh, I wanted to also say that it takes a very special person to remain friends with someone with serious mental illnesses. Especially one where it seems to get worse over the years. Their needs are so great and they often get themselves into crisis situations. My husband has helped our friend out several times because there was just no one else. But, my husband has also had to back away for periods of time because you can easily get burnt out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 SO difficult. I agree with being her friend, trying to call her, etc. If you could talk to her mom privately you might get a clearer picture of what is going on, etc. I think that a visit would be good if it wouldn't scare your kids--as they might not understand her needs/behaviors right now. Plan though to end it if things dont' go well. Sad to say, those with mental illness are some of the most neglected in society. Friendship with her might be very helpful/important for her but make sure you have a strong support network and don't get pulled down by her issues---they aren't "catching" but can be very draining. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I like Kalanamak's and Ottakee's advice. I am no expert, though I have had experience with mentally ill folks (some of whom are in my life now), both diagnosed and undiagnosed. It's terribly painful. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Oh, I wanted to also say that it takes a very special person to remain friends with someone with serious mental illnesses. Especially one where it seems to get worse over the years. Their needs are so great and they often get themselves into crisis situations. My husband has helped our friend out several times because there was just no one else. But, my husband has also had to back away for periods of time because you can easily get burnt out. :iagree: especially with the bolded. My stepson's mother is schizophrenic and bi-polar. The bi-polar is much more treatable. She has been in and out of hospitals for the schizophrenia for years, and is currently in a residential facility. It's so sad. It does not get better, and most of the time it gets worse. It's been very hard on him as her only child, and her father is getting older. He finally had to accept that he can't be her caregiver. He has a wife, and a baby on the way. He was afraid for many years because of the hereditary component. He'll be 34 in a few months, so the belief (and hope) is that if it was going to show up in him it would have done so by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 There are very good medications for schizophrenia right now--but you have to take them. The new meds are not like the ones even 20 years ago and don't have the bad side effects and keep the person much more functional. You can still be her friend, and please try. Schizophrenics who are on meds can be close to normal in several dimensions of their ability to socialize and function. Some can hold down basic jobs. I worked with them for 2 years and really respected how brave they were living with the voices, knowing they weren't real, trying to fight them. But we had some delightful conversations, interactions, etc. Fountain House has many sister organizations all over the US. http://www.fountainhouse.org/ The place I worked was one of these. While your friend won't have a normal life, she can still have a close-to-normal one and one with some happiness in it. Normal for her may include some hospitalizations when her meds get restabilized, etc. I wouldn't take your kids with you to visit her until you get a feel for things in person. Medicated, schizophrenics can interact quite normally, so that may be possible. If she is paranoid and off meds, she can suddenly turn on you, so you do have to be wise. Do just exit gracefully if any suspicion seems to be directed at you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 :iagree: with everything Laurie4b says. I have worked with MI adults in the past and have found this to be true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 In women, sometimes schizophrenia doesn't show up until you're in your 40s. In men, it manifests much earlier. And as Joanne said, it has a high hereditary component to it. It's terribly sad. We have a dear friend who was just diagnosed (at age 36). She has broken up her family (taking her two youngest children back to her home country) because of it and none of them will ever be the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 My mother's original diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia, but later changed to bi-polar. I would visit and talk with your friend for a while before bringing any kids around. I've learn my mother's patterns so I know when it's "safe" to let the kids talk to her. We visited her about 4 years ago and a few things scared the carp out of my kids. It took months for them to get over it all. But this last visit during the summer went well. My mother was a bit out of it, but didn't do anything to scare the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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