MariannNOVA Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hmmm...I think I may have misstated. It wasn't accidental, the INTENT was not to hurt me. Rather, it was done with willful disregard of me and my feelings entirely, but the ONLY possible outcome was that I would be hurt.[/QUOTE] In my situation, the next sentence would be this: But, I would do what she wanted & I would get over it. I would be doing what she wanted me to do, and it 'confirmed' to everyone that she was the person in charge and could wield her sword however she wanted. Just to clarify, I hadn't tried to encroach on anyone's throne of power. I was doing what I was supposed to do and minding my own business. I called out someone's son who was bullying my son - my dh did the same. The mom of the kid who was bullying (and another mom who is good friends with her) both of whom have been in this co-op since day one and have some sort of 'immunity' I guess, decided that I needed to be taken down a peg. They went to co-op leader, and for some reason, she thought I would be okay with all this. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Be patient...and be the better person. You have not done anything wrong. Sometimes people don't even understand the depths of their actions when it comes to other people's feelings. :grouphug: :iagree: Yes. I learned this the hard way. Save yourself the pain. Really.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hmmm...I think I may have misstated. It wasn't accidental, the INTENT was not to hurt me. Rather, it was done with willful disregard of me and my feelings entirely, but the ONLY possible outcome was that I would be hurt.[/QUOTE] In my situation, the next sentence would be this: But, I would do what she wanted & I would get over it. I would be doing what she wanted me to do, and it 'confirmed' to everyone that she was the person in charge and could wield her sword however she wanted. Just to clarify, I hadn't tried to encroach on anyone's throne of power. I was doing what I was supposed to do and minding my own business. I called out someone's son who was bullying my son - my dh did the same. The mom of the kid who was bullying (and another mom who is good friends with her) both of whom have been in this co-op since day one and have some sort of 'immunity' I guess, decided that I needed to be taken down a peg. They went to co-op leader, and for some reason, she thought I would be okay with all this. :confused: I don't understand people sometimes AT ALL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 The reality is, your friend did what she did because she's sick. She's emotionally, mentally, or spiritually sick. It's perfectly okay to set boundaries, or cut off contact, etc. But you're asking how do you forgive, and the only way I've found is to understand that the person is sick & to look at her the same way you would a physically sick person. She did what she did b/c she is not well. It has nothing to do with you & everything to do with her being unhealthy. I just don't know how you would know that. It was said this act, while intentional, wasn't done for the purpose of being horrible toward the OP. Sometimes things can be misunderstandings. Sometimes they can fall in the category of Unintended Consequences. Sometimes they can be an act of rashness, or thoughtlessness, or "didn't think it through" -- but to say the person is SICK? That's a rash judgment. Not that it negates the OP's hurt or sense of outrage, but there are more charitable interpretations than calling the person sick. Presumably this person is a friend because she/they have good qualities to begin with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Give yourself time. Actually, don't even let yourself think about it (at least not too much) for a few days. Often, what I first thought of as really unkind or rude behavior on the part of someone else, is more understood after giving it time to settle. Of course I don't know what the details are, but in any case, do give it time There's no need to make a decision today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brett_ashley Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Not enough information to give any advice. Sorry. We could be talking about betrayal along the likes of not being included in an outing or a betrayal of stealing or slander. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I'm going to weigh in to say one thing. Please understand that I'm just saying as something to consider, not because I think it applies to you. Because you've been circumspect, I had no idea about the actual details of all of this and whether this could even possibly apply! Anyway- sometimes people are hurt when they shouldn't be hurt. As an example - a long time ago, friend A counseled friend B in a personal matter. Friend B did not take the advice and friend A felt terribly offended and hurt because of it to the point of breaking off a long-term friendship. Yes, friend B knew that by rejecting the advice that she would hurt friend A, but she went ahead and did what she thought was best for herself. The hurt that friend A was real but it was generated in friend A's mind - ie. not necessarily a natural consequence of friend B's action. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Give yourself some time. You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant. Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with. Act, rather than react. :iagree: I definitely agree with Impish. You need not do anything right now. No decision needs to be made today. You need time to think and rest and get over the shock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I'm going to weigh in to say one thing. Please understand that I'm just saying as something to consider, not because I think it applies to you. Because you've been circumspect, I had no idea about the actual details of all of this and whether this could even possibly apply! Anyway- sometimes people are hurt when they shouldn't be hurt. As an example - a long time ago, friend A counseled friend B in a personal matter. Friend B did not take the advice and friend A felt terribly offended and hurt because of it to the point of breaking off a long-term friendship. Yes, friend B knew that by rejecting the advice that she would hurt friend A, but she went ahead and did what she thought was best for herself. The hurt that friend A was real but it was generated in friend A's mind - ie. not necessarily a natural consequence of friend B's action. :iagree: I think the PPs who are furious with the friend, saying she is sick, saying to abandon the friendship are being just a tad hasty conside ring we have no idea what was actually done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 :iagree: I think the PPs who are furious with the friend, saying she is sick, saying to abandon the friendship are being just a tad hasty conside ring we have no idea what was actually done. :iagree:Impossible to give any advice, other than to take a break from the situation and not to make any decisions while upset. OP, I understand you want to preserve your privacy, but could you present an analogous situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3peasinWa Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 (edited) I just don't know how you would know that. It was said this act, while intentional, wasn't done for the purpose of being horrible toward the OP. Sometimes things can be misunderstandings. Sometimes they can fall in the category of Unintended Consequences. Sometimes they can be an act of rashness, or thoughtlessness, or "didn't think it through" -- but to say the person is SICK? That's a rash judgment. Not that it negates the OP's hurt or sense of outrage, but there are more charitable interpretations than calling the person sick. Presumably this person is a friend because she/they have good qualities to begin with. When we hurt others, it's b/c there is something not healthy within ourselves (even if just momentary or short term). When I gossip about a friend, it's b/c I am not healthy within my own self & feel the need to assasinate another's character. It's not the end of the world - it is what it is. It's not a harsh judgement, it is what it is. We all have been "sick" at one point or another. We've all done something to hurt someone else. It does not negate the OP hurt feelings. It's not an excuse (oh, well, I'm sick so I'll just go around hurting people). I've been deeply hurt in my life by people, and I've always been told I'm supposed to forgive. But no one ever told me HOW to forgive. When I look back at those who hurt me, I've learned that in that situation alone perhaps that person was spiritually,emotionally,or mentally unhealthy (for instance immature, low self esteem, anger, resentful, have past hurts they've never dealt with,etc), therefore they acted they way they did. Therefore, I strive to grant them tolerance, pity and patience as I would grant a sick friend. The bolded is what I mean by "sick" ETA: the OP was asking how to forgive - I am only answering how I've found a way to let go of the resentment & also understand that when I do something wrong to others, that there is something within myself that I need to work on. I am not in any way bashing the friend who did whatever she did. Edited January 3, 2012 by 3peasinWa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I don't understand people sometimes AT ALL. I, also, clearly don't understand people sometimes AT ALL. ;) My best advice, fwiw, let yourself feel what you are feeling. Your emotions are real and should be acknowledged. Don't do anything just yet. The day my former friend did this to me, I was a mess -- I cried, and napped and felt generally like you know what. I was so upset -- and so was dh. However, this was after I had 'said my piece' and 'reacted to what she had done.' Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? ;) In retrospect, knowing everything I know, I wish I had sat and, hmmmmmm, ruminated (or not) on what she did to me and I wish I had done NOTHING........just nothing. I wish I had separated the hurt from her action (if that can be done) and had acted (not reacted) in a way that was a little less 'scorched earth' if you know what I mean. In my situation, the woman I am speaking of did act wrongly and assumed I would let it go -- I could have handled it differently. I didn't because I was so hurt and angry at that moment. I expected more of her -- if I had given myself time to think things out and cool down, I would have seen that I was expecting too much of her. The friendship would have continued (b/c it was a nice friendship) and I probably could have worked with her (and pretty much have my way) with the hurtful thing she proposed to me. That is my long way of saying, even though you are hurt right now, YOU do still have the power to determine how this thing is going to turn out. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Not enough information to give any advice. Sorry. We could be talking about betrayal along the likes of not being included in an outing or a betrayal of stealing or slander. I understand your not choosing to give input. It can certainly be difficult when you don't have the details, and I've given all the details I intend to give. However, I don't think that anyone would ever classify "not being included in an outing" as a "betrayal." Well, I would never. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 I'm going to weigh in to say one thing. Please understand that I'm just saying as something to consider, not because I think it applies to you. Because you've been circumspect, I had no idea about the actual details of all of this and whether this could even possibly apply! Anyway- sometimes people are hurt when they shouldn't be hurt. As an example - a long time ago, friend A counseled friend B in a personal matter. Friend B did not take the advice and friend A felt terribly offended and hurt because of it to the point of breaking off a long-term friendship. Yes, friend B knew that by rejecting the advice that she would hurt friend A, but she went ahead and did what she thought was best for herself. The hurt that friend A was real but it was generated in friend A's mind - ie. not necessarily a natural consequence of friend B's action. I completely understand, and I agree! That's not the case here, though. Wait...it IS the case here, but it's my friend who is hurt but really shouldn't be (I haven't done anything to her) and has no right to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 :iagree:Impossible to give any advice, other than to take a break from the situation and not to make any decisions while upset. OP, I understand you want to preserve your privacy, but could you present an analogous situation? The only thing I can think of that's close at all would be if your best friend were to kiss your husband. It's something like that. Meaning, not just someone gossiping, but rather and actual event. Not sure that's even helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 The only thing I can think of that's close at all would be if your best friend were to kiss your husband. It's something like that. Meaning, not just someone gossiping, but rather and actual event. Not sure that's even helpful. In red: THAT is betrayal. I realize you said 'close' and that is not what happened, but I don't think there would be any going back if something like that happened. That being said, I would still sit and cool my jets. I would allow myself as much time as I needed and wanted before doing anything. Imp's advice is still the best!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 The only thing I can think of that's close at all would be if your best friend were to kiss your husband. It's something like that. Meaning, not just someone gossiping, but rather and actual event. Not sure that's even helpful. It helps that it is an actual event, but what's the magnitude of the betrayal? Even if you were to say that it is on the same level as my friend kissing my husband, it is still not very clear, because my friend kissing my husband could mean different things to different people. For example, what was the context? For some people any degree of physical closeness wouldn't be acceptable (e.i. a betrayal), but for others not necessarily. If my husband helped my friend to fix her car, and then she, exhuberantly kissed him on his cheek and said thank you for all your help....Not a big deal to me. I think the magnitude of the betrayal is important, because even if one is very hurt by it, the course of action taken afterwards, would be different. :grouphug: I'm sorry you're going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Not enough information to give any advice. Sorry. We could be talking about betrayal along the likes of not being included in an outing or a betrayal of stealing or slander. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 In red: THAT is betrayal. I realize you said 'close' and that is not what happened, but I don't think there would be any going back if something like that happened. That being said, I would still sit and cool my jets. I would allow myself as much time as I needed and wanted before doing anything. Imp's advice is still the best!:grouphug: Yes, Imp's advice (and everyone who has said the same thing since) is still the best. That's what I'm doing. Glad to be getting out of here for a few days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Yes, Imp's advice (and everyone who has said the same thing since) is still the best. That's what I'm doing. Glad to be getting out of here for a few days. Safe travel -- do nice things for yourself! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brett_ashley Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I understand your not choosing to give input. It can certainly be difficult when you don't have the details, and I've given all the details I intend to give. That is completely within your prerogative, but please don't take any of the advice given in this thread by posters who have no idea what happened. Have a great trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.