Betrayed (sorry....this is a bit long)

[AlmiraGulch]

Someone (an adult) very close to me has betrayed my trust. This is someone I would consider one of my best friends, and who I would never, ever, in a million years have thought would do something like what has been done. I am hurt, embarrassed, sad and, as of this morning, very angry. "Gobsmacked" is the word that keeps running through my mind, along with a few expletives that are inappropriate for this board.

 

I am, generally speaking, a very forgiving person. I have often said that I would hate to be judged wholly by my worst day, and that people truly can be sorry and penitent. I've witnessed it, and I've been there myself. For the most part, a single offense, for me, has never been too much to overcome (and I'm not talking about someone doing something to one of my kids or anything...that would be unforgivable). I'm having a really hard time embracing that this time. I don't know if I can get past this, and don't know if I should.

 

Cutting off contact would be like the death of a close family member. My life as I know it on a day to day basis would be turned upside down. I don't want to overreact, but right now I can't even focus. For what it's worth, I just found out about this last night, so I'm probably still a bit in shock. And again, it's not that someone did something to one of my kids, and my fiancee didn't sleep with another woman (a couple of things that would be no brainers for me). It's just....really, really bad.

 

How do I go about judging whether or not I should still have this person in my life? What is that process like? I absolutely cannot talk to anyone in my real life about this, so any words of wisdom are welcome.

[Impish]

Give yourself some time.

 

You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant.

 

Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with.

 

Act, rather than react.

[snickelfritz]

Give yourself some time.

 

You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant.

 

Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with.

 

Act, rather than react.

:iagree:

 

Then it comes down to whether you COULD ever really trust them again. You can't force that.

 

What is their reaction? If they are extremely sorry and know they did wrong.....that signals some hope. If they see nothing wrong.....they would be more likely to repeat it.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: And would suggest looking for someone in person or phone to discuss your feelings with.:grouphug: Talking through it may help you find your way though the hurt and pinpoint your needs to move on one way or the other.

 

 

 

Give yourself some time.

 

You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant.

 

Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with.

 

Act, rather than react.

[Catwoman]

I don't know if I can get past this, and don't know if I should.

 

Have you confronted this person about the offense? Did he or she do something intentionally horrible to you, or was it incidental to some other situation?

 

If the person knows that you're aware of what happened, have you received an apology?

 

Personally, I think you need to try to step back just a bit and get your thoughts together before you do anything drastic. Once you've run through the situation in your mind and assessed how you'll deal with it (forgiveness, never seeing that person again, not deciding for sure until you hear the person's explanation, etc.,) I think a direct-but-calm confrontation is in order.

 

Obviously, if the person is still a jerk about it, you have my permission to get nasty, but if you have always had a great relationship until now, I think it would be worth hearing the person out before making a final decision about the relationship. But don't feel obligated to take the high road and forgive the person if he or she is not truly sorry, because this may not be a one-time offense; it may simply be the first time you've heard about the betrayal. I hate to ask, but is there a possibility that this person has been two-faced in the past and you haven't known about it?

 

Ultimately, you need to decide if this person is someone you will ever be able to trust again. If the answer is no, I think your decision is made -- or at least mine would be.

 

I generally write people off once they betray my trust, because I know I'll never trust them again and will never truly care for them again, and that's what works for me, but it sounds like you are more of a "forgive and forget" person, so that's why I'm suggesting that you wait until you've calmed down a bit before you take any dramatic action that you might regret.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish there was some way you could find out it was all a huge misunderstanding. :grouphug:

Edited January 3, 2012 by Catwoman

[Guest submarines]

:iagree: And would suggest looking for someone in person or phone to discuss your feelings with.:grouphug: Talking through it may help you find your way though the hurt and pinpoint your needs to move on one way or the other.

 

Is there a crisis line where you are? It might be a good idea to call and to just let it all out. I used to volunteer at a crisis center, and we received all kinds of calls--your situation is something that I would call about.

 

Also, if you see you are absolutely not clicking with a volunteer, you can hang up and call back. They are all volunteers and the amount of training varies.

[AlmiraGulch]

Give yourself some time.

 

You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant.

 

Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with.

 

Act, rather than react.

 

Thanks. Especially for the last sentence. Sound advice.

[ktgrok]

I have had a very very similar thing happen. I still don't know why the person did what they did. I know it was instigated by several circumstances and a very bad person's influence. I was heartbroken. It was my best friend. I will be honest, it took a long time to get past it. 6 months if I remember, but she eventually apologized, and I forgave, and now she is my daughter's godmother and I love her to death all over again.

 

What helps me the most is to remember MY worst mistakes. I've done horribly stupid things.

[Parrothead]

Give it a bit of time and give yourself some space.

 

Trust can be earned back if the person is willing to try and you are willing to give them the chance to try. You won't know that until you are capable of rational thought again.

 

:grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

:iagree: And would suggest looking for someone in person or phone to discuss your feelings with.:grouphug: Talking through it may help you find your way though the hurt and pinpoint your needs to move on one way or the other.

I misstated. I COULD talk about it with someone. I just choose not to. The primary people (I know I said "person" but really there are two) involved are the ones I would go to first for everything. I did actually talk about it with someone else last night, and she was very helpful, but she can only say so much given her own relationship with the party(ies) involved.

[AlmiraGulch]

Have you confronted this person about the offense? Yes. The person actually came to me, which is how I found out. Did he or she do something intentionally horrible to you, or was it incidental to some other situation? What was done was intentional, but it wasn't intended to be horrible to me.

 

If the person knows that you're aware of what happened, have you received an apology? Yes. Many apologies.

 

Personally, I think you need to try to step back just a bit and get your thoughts together before you do anything drastic. Once you've run through the situation in your mind and assessed how you'll deal with it (forgiveness, never seeing that person again, not deciding for sure until you hear the person's explanation, etc.,) I think a direct-but-calm confrontation is in order.

 

Obviously, if the person is still a jerk about it, you have my permission to get nasty, but if you have always had a great relationship until now, I think it would be worth hearing the person out before making a final decision about the relationship. But don't feel obligated to take the high road and forgive the person if he or she is not truly sorry, because this may not be a one-time offense; it may simply be the first time you've heard about the betrayal. I hate to ask, but is there a possibility that this person has been two-faced in the past and you haven't known about it? No. This is the first time. I am 99.9% confident about that.

 

Ultimately, you need to decide if this person is someone you will ever be able to trust again. If the answer is no, I think your decision is made -- or at least mine would be. Yeah....mine, too. But I just don't know if I will or won't be able to. I suppose only time would tell that, and I don't know if I can stand to give it the time. Or, if I can bear to not. Therein lies the challenge.

 

I generally write people off once they betray my trust, because I know I'll never trust them again and will never truly care for them again, and that's what works for me, but it sounds like you are more of a "forgive and forget" person, so that's why I'm suggesting that you wait until you've calmed down a bit before you take any dramatic action that you might regret. I don't forget, it just usually takes a lot for me to write someone off entirely. I've done it, but usually I just go through and accept shifts in the nature of the relationship before I get to that point.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish there was some way you could find out it was all a huge misunderstanding. I wish so, too! Unfortunately, there is no misunderstanding. There was an intentional act, with no regard at all to what it would do to me or my relationship with that person (those people, really). :grouphug:

 

Sorry...I don't know how to use the multi-quote function. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[AlmiraGulch]

 

What helps me the most is to remember MY worst mistakes. I've done horribly stupid things.

 

Me, too, unfortunately. And that's what I mean when I say I'd hate to be judged wholly by my worst deed. But then those I've offended have no obligation to forgive me my offenses. I don't know if I have it in me this time. I hope I do.

[Denisemomof4]

this is a very hard situation. You say this was a deliberate act with no regard to you at all. This is something I would have a very hard time overlooking. I have three friends I've been very close to for 25 - 35 years, and two very close friends in state for upwards of 8 - 10 years. I can't imagine either of those five people intentionally hurting me. In fact, they have my back all the time, they tell me this, and I know this. They also know that I am the same, having their backs no matter what. They are like family to me, and I can't imagine not having them in my life. However, if they betrayed my trust in the way you're speaking of, I'm not sure what I would do. I fear our relationship would be forever changed.

 

I would DEFINITELY not make any quick decisions. Your emotions are raw, your hurt too deep. You;re not in a place where you can make a wise decision at this time. As impossible as it seems, you NEED to take time to make the right decision.

 

It's really hard, if not impossible, to have a friendship with someone you can't trust. You may find that your friendship is forever changed, should you decide to continue on with it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Me, too, unfortunately. And that's what I mean when I say I'd hate to be judged wholly by my worst deed. But then those I've offended have no obligation to forgive me my offenses. I don't know if I have it in me this time. I hope I do.

 

We all make mistakes. But to betray someone? I couldn't do that. Being a friend means looking out for each other's best interest. A deliberate act with no regard to you is a betrayal that may not deserve to be forgiven. Only you will know what to do from here.

[ma23peas]

We all make mistakes. But to betray someone? I couldn't do that. Being a friend means looking out for each other's best interest. A deliberate act with no regard to you is a betrayal that may not deserve to be forgiven. Only you will know what to do from here.

 

Agree with Denise here...some people are just too 'shallow, immature, self-serving' to handle information that is too 'heavy'...maybe you know now where the limits lie....my husband is the only one on this earth I trust with the heavy stuff...sometimes I would love to tell my dear friends x y or z...but it's just helping me get it off my chest...being a friend is knowing when it's too much for them to bear...whether it be their shortcomings or ours...I say give it time and the friendship will never be the same but you both will be the wiser for it...forgiveness is always good, but takes time..sometimes years..

[Denisemomof4]

We all make mistakes. But to betray someone? I couldn't do that. Being a friend means looking out for each other's best interest. A deliberate act with no regard to you is a betrayal that may not deserve to be forgiven. Only you will know what to do from here.

 

I just want to clarify that forgiveness is ALWAYS the right thing to do, and you should forgive. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you stay in relationship with the person.

[Catwoman]

Thanks for the additional info about how you found out what happened.

 

If she came to you and told you about it, and was very apologetic, that's a big positive. It's also good that she hasn't done anything like this in the past.

 

But... you also said that

There was an intentional act, with no regard at all to what it would do to me or my relationship with that person (those people, really).

 

That's what pretty much negates all of the positives for me. Your friend sounds manipulative. First, she does something horrible, knowing full well how it would hurt you. Then, she figures she'll pre-emptively apologize (before you heard about the situation from someone else) and she'll cry and say how sorry she is, and you'll forgive her because you're such a wonderful person and a great friend.

 

Sorry, but that's not what friends do.

 

I think she's counting on your forgiveness because you're nice and because she thinks she's entirely worthy of it, because that's what she wants to happen, so that's what should happen. Because it's all about her. If it was about you, she wouldn't have pulled a fast one to begin with. She wouldn't have intentionally hurt you. She was and is looking out for herself.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't make this at all easy for her. I would tell her how hurt and angry I was, and I would say I needed time away from the relationship. I would not act as though forgiveness was a particularly strong possibility. If you even remotely think you'll end up friends with this woman again, you can't let her assume that she can do a terrible thing, say she's sorry, and all will be well again. It's too easy for bad behavior to be repeated when forgiveness comes too easily. If she thinks you're a doormat, she'll treat you like one.

 

I feel so angry toward this woman and I don't even know her. Accidentally betraying a trust is bad enough, but to do it intentionally is just awful.

[cjgrubbs]

Had a very similar situation about 11 years ago but it was a family member so I couldn't just break the relationship. I did have to "remove myself" from all basic contact for a number of months. It was hard, she kind of only halfheartedly apologized but I just had to let it go for the sake of my husband and son (only 1 at that time!)

 

Your situation is different being a friend. Forgiveness can be really hard even when we are hurt. If this person apologizes I think it's ok (and honest) to say you are really hurt and it may take you a while to forgive and get over it.

 

My mom always told me growing up if you find one true friend in your life you are VERY lucky!

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks for the additional info about how you found out what happened.

 

If she came to you and told you about it, and was very apologetic, that's a big positive. It's also good that she hasn't done anything like this in the past.

 

But... you also said that

 

That's what pretty much negates all of the positives for me. Your friend sounds manipulative. First, she does something horrible, knowing full well how it would hurt you. Then, she figures she'll pre-emptively apologize (before you heard about the situation from someone else) and she'll cry and say how sorry she is, and you'll forgive her because you're such a wonderful person and a great friend.

 

Sorry, but that's not what friends do.

 

I think she's counting on your forgiveness because you're nice and because she thinks she's entirely worthy of it, because that's what she wants to happen, so that's what should happen. Because it's all about her. If it was about you, she wouldn't have pulled a fast one to begin with. She wouldn't have intentionally hurt you. She was and is looking out for herself.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't make this at all easy for her. I would tell her how hurt and angry I was, and I would say I needed time away from the relationship. I would not act as though forgiveness was a particularly strong possibility. If you even remotely think you'll end up friends with this woman again, you can't let her assume that she can do a terrible thing, say she's sorry, and all will be well again. It's too easy for bad behavior to be repeated when forgiveness comes too easily. If she thinks you're a doormat, she'll treat you like one.

 

I feel so angry toward this woman and I don't even know her. Accidentally betraying a trust is bad enough, but to do it intentionally is just awful.

 

I have all the same feelings you put here. But I do want to clarify one thing....there was an intentional act, but the act was without regard to me at all. Meaning, no one said "I'm going to do this even though I know it will hurt her." Rather, it was an intentional act, and I never entered anyone's mind at all until after the fact. Not sure that makes a difference, but I didn't want to imply that something intentionally to hurt me. That was just the aftermath (although there really was no other outcome possible).

[3peasinWa]

The reality is, your friend did what she did because she's sick. She's emotionally, mentally, or spiritually sick. It's perfectly okay to set boundaries, or cut off contact, etc. But you're asking how do you forgive, and the only way I've found is to understand that the person is sick & to look at her the same way you would a physically sick person. She did what she did b/c she is not well. It has nothing to do with you & everything to do with her being unhealthy.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: have you spoken to this person about what happend? why did they do it? what were they thinking? were they even thinking about how you would respond?

 

those questions may (or maybe not) help you figure out what direction you want to take this.

[Denisemomof4]

I have all the same feelings you put here. But I do want to clarify one thing....there was an intentional act, but the act was without regard to me at all. Meaning, no one said "I'm going to do this even though I know it will hurt her." Rather, it was an intentional act, and I never entered anyone's mind at all until after the fact. Not sure that makes a difference, but I didn't want to imply that something intentionally to hurt me. That was just the aftermath (although there really was no other outcome possible).

 

I think I understand what you're saying, but I fail to see any difference? :confused:

[gardenmom5]

Sorry...I don't know how to use the multi-quote function. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

 

just right of the "quote" button, is a " button. click on that for whichever comments you wish to quote. when you are ready to quote, click on post reply. all the quotes you clicked " on, should be there.

[MariannNOVA]

Give yourself some time.

 

You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant.

 

Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with.

 

Act, rather than react.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Give yourself time. I could have written your post a couple of months ago. I 'reacted' as opposed to taking time to think and then act. A friendship/relationship that was lovely and wonderful and key to our family is now forever changed and clearly will not ever be the way it was. I have attempted to go back and make things 'right' -- and I wasn't the person who commited the act and the act was done sneakily and it was done intentionally -- but things are not going to be the way they were. 'That friendship is forever-changed and over' is our new normal.

 

Give yourself time. You can PM me if you like.:grouphug:

[twinmami01]

Give yourself some time.

 

You say you could be in shock, and I don't doubt it. Nothing has to be decided right this very instant.

 

Give yourself some time and space, and once the initial dust settles, you'll be able to think about things better, and make a decision that you're ok with.

 

Act, rather than react.

 

 

:iagree: Don't rush into a decision. Take some time to process it to see if this is something that can be fixed.

[Catwoman]

I have all the same feelings you put here. But I do want to clarify one thing....there was an intentional act, but the act was without regard to me at all. Meaning, no one said "I'm going to do this even though I know it will hurt her." Rather, it was an intentional act, and I never entered anyone's mind at all until after the fact. Not sure that makes a difference, but I didn't want to imply that something intentionally to hurt me. That was just the aftermath (although there really was no other outcome possible).

 

Thanks for the clarification.

 

I guess my only question now is... Should it have entered her mind that you would be hurt by her actions? She was certainly quick enough to call you and 'fess up, so I guess that's why I'm suspicious of her motives. If nothing else, it would seem that she was incredibly selfish and self-centered if she was able to do something that would affect you so profoundly, without even realizing how it would hurt you.

 

Basically, I'm wondering how it never entered her mind until after the fact, if it was something major enough that it could permanently destroy your friendship.

 

I keep thinking that she didn't bother to think of your feelings because she wanted to do what she wanted to do, and that was all that mattered to her. If you had truly been important to her, she would have realized what the outcome would be, and would have handled the situation differently.

 

I'm so sorry to keep saying this, but I really think she's trying to manipulate you. She thinks it will be a win-win situation for her, because you'll forgive her and she still got to do the horrible thing that she wanted to do. You said that there was no other outcome possible, so in her heart, she had to have known you would be hurt. She still chose to do what she did.

 

That says a lot about her. She probably likes you, but her own interests clearly come first.

[ravinlunachick]

I'm so sorry. I had my heart broken by my closest female friend a few months ago, and I find that I still struggle with the pain on a regular basis. :grouphug:

 

I like Impish's advice.

[AlmiraGulch]

I think I understand what you're saying, but I fail to see any difference? :confused:

I'm not sure it does, either. I just want to be sure, as I put this all out there and work through it in my own head, that I'm stating the facts as I know them and not clouding it with my feelings. Know what I mean? More for my own assurance that I've given the facts as accurately as I know them.

[Carol in Cal.]

I have a different take on this. I would give her more of the benefit of the doubt because she told you about it. That means she made sure that you heard it from her, and that's to her credit. I would wait for a while and process this before you decide what to do. And without more info about the details, I don't think we can advise you properly.

 

Was it a competitive situation where she took advantage of her position in a way that hurt you or your family? If so, again, the fact that she told you about it is in her favor. But that means that you always have to remember from now on that competition will trump your friendship--or alternatively that you are being too sensitive about something that frankly is not a deal breaker.

 

Was it a situation where she passed on information that you told her in private? If so, that would be a deal breaker for me, unless it was an acute hazard or legal issue that she was preventing.

 

See what I mean?

 

Betrayal is in the eyes of the beholder, and there are a lot of circumstances where the appearance of betrayal would be very different from one person to another.

[sbgrace]

I've been there. You take time--lots of time--before you make a major decision about the relationship. Time before any reaction is best but I couldn't manage that one. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

just right of the "quote" button, is a " button. click on that for whichever comments you wish to quote. when you are ready to quote, click on post reply. all the quotes you clicked " on, should be there.

 

I'm not sure it does, either. I just want to be sure, as I put this all out there and work through it in my own head, that I'm stating the facts as I know them and not clouding it with my feelings. Know what I mean? More for my own assurance that I've given the facts as accurately as I know them.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I understand, but I do think your BRAIN is clouded at the moment because your emotions are running deep. As they should be! But please give yourself time to think things through clearly to know whether or not a friendship can work in the future after such a betrayal of trust.

 

Mariann - it breaks my heart that someone would do this to you, too.

 

People just suck sometimes. They just do.

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks for the clarification.

 

I guess my only question now is... Should it have entered her mind that you would be hurt by her actions? She was certainly quick enough to call you and 'fess up, so I guess that's why I'm suspicious of her motives. If nothing else, it would seem that she was incredibly selfish and self-centered if she was able to do something that would affect you so profoundly, without even realizing how it would hurt you.

 

Basically, I'm wondering how it never entered her mind until after the fact, if it was something major enough that it could permanently destroy your friendship.

 

I keep thinking that she didn't bother to think of your feelings because she wanted to do what she wanted to do, and that was all that mattered to her. If you had truly been important to her, she would have realized what the outcome would be, and would have handled the situation differently.

 

I'm so sorry to keep saying this, but I really think she's trying to manipulate you. She thinks it will be a win-win situation for her, because you'll forgive her and she still got to do the horrible thing that she wanted to do. You said that there was no other outcome possible, so in her heart, she had to have known you would be hurt. She still chose to do what she did.

 

That says a lot about her. She probably likes you, but her own interests clearly come first.

 

Yes, this person should have known. There was no way to NOT know. It wasn't something thought out for a long time; rather, it was a split second decision with very bad consequences. If I had been told immediately it MAY not have been so hurtful, but nearly 48 hours passed before anyone involved bothered to tell me. To make matters worse, now one of the people is mad at me for being upset that no one told me right away. The response was "You have no idea what I went through yesterday, mulling this over, and EVERYONE I talked to about it said that you needed to know". So to add insult to injury, I am now fodder for gossip, and somehow this is about her, now. :confused:

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug: have you spoken to this person about what happend? why did they do it? what were they thinking? were they even thinking about how you would respond?

 

those questions may (or maybe not) help you figure out what direction you want to take this.

 

Yes, I did. No answer. "I don't know why" is the response. Not thinking anything at the moment, and no....clearly no regard for how I would respond.

[AlmiraGulch]

 

Give yourself time. I could have written your post a couple of months ago. I 'reacted' as opposed to taking time to think and then act. A friendship/relationship that was lovely and wonderful and key to our family is now forever changed and clearly will not ever be the way it was. I have attempted to go back and make things 'right' -- and I wasn't the person who commited the act and the act was done sneakily and it was done intentionally -- but things are not going to be the way they were. 'That friendship is forever-changed and over' is our new normal.

 

Give yourself time. You can PM me if you like.:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry for you! It's really awful. And yes, no matter what happens, it will never be the same.

[Catwoman]

Yes, this person should have known. There was no way to NOT know. It wasn't something thought out for a long time; rather, it was a split second decision with very bad consequences. If I had been told immediately it MAY not have been so hurtful, but nearly 48 hours passed before anyone involved bothered to tell me. To make matters worse, now one of the people is mad at me for being upset that no one told me right away. The response was "You have no idea what I went through yesterday, mulling this over, and EVERYONE I talked to about it said that you needed to know". So to add insult to injury, I am now fodder for gossip, and somehow this is about her, now. :confused:

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

That's exactly what I meant when I said that she was self-centered and that this whole thing is all about her and what she wants. Since she probably assumes that you and your needs are secondary to herself and her own needs, how dare you be upset or angry when you should be feeling sorry for her??? I mean, you have no idea what she went through while she was trying to decide how to tell you what happened and how to weasel her way out of it. :glare:

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I understand, but I do think your BRAIN is clouded at the moment because your emotions are running deep. As they should be! But please give yourself time to think things through clearly to know whether or not a friendship can work in the future after such a betrayal of trust.

 

Mariann - it breaks my heart that someone would do this to you, too.

 

People just suck sometimes. They just do.

 

Oh, thank you , Denise. Poor Imp had to wade through like 10,000 pms as I told her the whole story --

 

I wish I had acted differently -- taken time to think about the m.o. of the person who did this to me, and taken the time to decide THAT the friendship was more important than what she did; I wish I had taken the time to think and act, rather than react -- dh and I tried last week to 'patch' things up so to speak. We had their family here to dinner -- it was fun, but clearly we had wasted our time. I don't know what she has shared with her dh (i know that he knows nothing about what she did - or, at best, he knows her version -- but folks tell me he knows nothing), but the two of them had an air of 'why did you invite us? We don't have THAT kind of friendship anymore.' We have become 'hello' and 'good-bye' friends -- no more phone calls, emails, movie dates, dinner dates, family dinners (which we probably had 3-4 times a week if not more), kids playdates -- she has effectively frozen me out. She did something hurtful and wrong, but I acted too hastily.

[Catwoman]

We have become 'hello' and 'good-bye' friends -- no more phone calls, emails, movie dates, dinner dates, family dinners (which we probably had 3-4 times a week if not more), kids playdates -- she has effectively frozen me out. She did something hurtful and wrong, but I acted too hastily.

 

I don't know the details, Mariann, but it seems to me that your situation is this:

 

1. Friend did something hurtful and wrong

2. As a result, you decided to end friendship

3. You eventually forgive her, and try to rekindle friendship

4. She freezes you out

 

What I'm seeing is that she is the one who should be thrilled that you were gracious and big-hearted enough to forgive her rotten behavior, yet she must somehow blame you for the whole thing. :glare:

 

I'm not feeling the love for your former friend.

[MariannNOVA]

I'm so sorry for you! It's really awful. And yes, no matter what happens, it will never be the same.

 

About what you wrote below to someone else abut being fodder for gossip -- yup, that was part of my situation as well.

 

Person in question got up in front of an entire group (of which she is the leader) and was less than honest about why my family and I would no longer be attending. In private a few people approached her, but she blew them off.

 

I know there were two other people who attempted to spread untruths about me and the unfortunate situation -- fortunately, the folks they tried to share that with stopped them in their tracks. One of the women was in Michael's the week before Christmas. I was there with DD11 who said she had just seen Mrs. so and so. I saw one of the woman's children, but she must have been hiding from me b/c I was in that store a good 90 minutes and I did not see hide nor hair of her. And I was up and down aisles with an extensive shopping list.

 

It stinks -- I am awkward with it -- I did go to the friend's house once and try to talk to her and I was told:

 

'Honey, what are you talking about. I love you. Everything is fine.' Another mom I bumped into at a bookstore told me that the same thing was done to her by this person a few years ago --

 

I'm sorry this happened to you -- :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

That's exactly what I meant when I said that she was self-centered and that this whole thing is all about her and what she wants. Since she probably assumes that you and your needs are secondary to herself and her own needs, how dare you be upset or angry when you should be feeling sorry for her??? I mean, you have no idea what she went through while she was trying to decide how to tell you what happened and how to weasel her way out of it. :glare:

I know it's hard to figure out because I've left out some detail, but the person I was referring to, above, is not actually the one who told me. She was just the other person involved. The worst offense was by the person who told me about it. But yeah, now that she (Miss How-Can-You-Not-Feel-Sorry-For-Me) a) didn't tell me, and b) apparently told lots of other people, I'm miffed at her, too.

[AlmiraGulch]

She did something hurtful and wrong, but I acted too hastily.

 

And THIS is what I want to avoid. I appreciate your being so candid.

[Catwoman]

I know it's hard to figure out because I've left out some detail, but the person I was referring to, above, is not actually the one who told me. She was just the other person involved. The worst offense was by the person who told me about it. But yeah, now that she (Miss How-Can-You-Not-Feel-Sorry-For-Me) a) didn't tell me, and b) apparently told lots of other people, I'm miffed at her, too.

 

Wow, it just keeps getting worse.

 

Is there a way to just step back from everyone involved for a while? Is there a way to distance yourself from the drama?

 

:grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

Wow, it just keeps getting worse.

 

Is there a way to just step back from everyone involved for a while? Is there a way to distance yourself from the drama?

 

:grouphug:

 

I can avoid some of it but unfortunately not all of it. The good news is I am about to leave this afternoon on perhaps the best timed business trip ever. I'll be away from everyone until Friday night. I had plans with these people for this coming Friday AND Saturday. This is how close we are and how much time we spend together. I obviously won't be attending. This is my primary circle of friends. Blah.

[Scarlett]

Wow, it just keeps getting worse.

 

Is there a way to just step back from everyone involved for a while? Is there a way to distance yourself from the drama?

 

:grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

 

I agree with Cat. It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and your emotions will settle a lot soon.

 

I was betrayed by my since-child-best friend ....I was so mad I was seeing red...but I let a lot of time go by with a few civil exchanges between us...and now after a year I find myself missing her and wanting to see her again.

[MariannNOVA]

I don't know the details, Mariann, but it seems to me that your situation is this:

 

1. Friend did something hurtful and wrong -- Yes -- plain and simply yes.

2. As a result, you decided to end friendship - trying to keep this brief: I ended my family's involvement with a group that she heads (a co-op, go figure). What she did to me was done in the arena of the co-op. So, I removed my family from the co-op, b/c in that context, treatment we had received was wrong.

3. You eventually forgive her, and try to rekindle friendship -- I was clear that I did forgive her, I was incredibly stunned and hurt, and while my family and I were no longer in the co-op, we certainly wanted to continue our friendship sans co-op.

4. She freezes you out Yup -- and I have been told by probably 4 other women that this is her m.o. You are either in 100% and the co-op is what you must be 'IN' or you are out - you are demoted to an acquaintaince. Our family now out -- it probably doesn't bother me as much as it sounds like it does -- but QV's post brought alot of it to the surface. I have learned from people in this particular co-op, that typically, when this sort of thing happened (and I clearly wasn't the first it was done to), the party who was hurt and wronged, literally fell off the face of the earth, and no one heard from them again. I didn't do anything wrong, my kids are friends with tons of kids in the co-op and I don't intend to go anywhere. I'm not trying to prove a point to her, I just don't understand why she won't sit and have a heart to heart -- my dh says I have her totally confused -- she doesn't know what to make of me b/c I have forgiven her and I want us to move on - which is clearly not happening.

As far as freezing us out -- she has been unsuccessful in doing that -- socially with her dh and me and my dh, yes, she has succeeded in that. But in all other ways -- no -- it is very clear that our family is maintaining and growing the friendships we have with people in the co-op.

 

 

What I'm seeing is that she is the one who should be thrilled that you were gracious and big-hearted enough to forgive her rotten behavior, yet she must somehow blame you for the whole thing. :glare: :iagree: and I don't get it - but as Imp told me when it all happened: this was a power play/control thing for her, and I totally did not act the way she thought I would ; I guess I was supposed to cave and acquiesce to her ridiculous decision and make myself look to everyone like I had done something wrong. (it's a long story).

 

I'm not feeling the love for your former friend.

 

I'm disappointed in her. And, thank you for your observations -- they help.:grouphug:

[silliness7]

Only on page 3. Your friend did something on purpose that *accidentally* hurt you?

 

I don't think I would hold that against someone but maybe make me a bit wiser in my dealings with them.

 

...still reading.

[Denisemomof4]

Yes, this person should have known. There was no way to NOT know. It wasn't something thought out for a long time; rather, it was a split second decision with very bad consequences. If I had been told immediately it MAY not have been so hurtful, but nearly 48 hours passed before anyone involved bothered to tell me. To make matters worse, now one of the people is mad at me for being upset that no one told me right away. The response was "You have no idea what I went through yesterday, mulling this over, and EVERYONE I talked to about it said that you needed to know". So to add insult to injury, I am now fodder for gossip, and somehow this is about her, now. :confused:

 

she is digging her hole deeper. WHO CARES what she went through? SHE is the one who caused this mess and betrayed you. I think it's absolutely despicable that she's saying this now.

[MariannNOVA]

I can avoid some of it but unfortunately not all of it. The good news is I am about to leave this afternoon on perhaps the best timed business trip ever. I'll be away from everyone until Friday night. I had plans with these people for this coming Friday AND Saturday. This is how close we are and how much time we spend together. I obviously won't be attending. This is my primary circle of friends. Blah.

 

:crying: I'm sorry. Our family's routine has totally changed and quieted down since this happened between me and this other individual at the beginning of October.

 

Our holidays were very different from how we thought they would be.

 

I'm sorry. Give yourself time.:grouphug:

[readinmom]

Be patient...and be the better person. You have not done anything wrong. Sometimes people don't even understand the depths of their actions when it comes to other people's feelings.

 

:grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

Only on page 3. Your friend did something on purpose that *accidentally* hurt you?

 

I don't think I would hold that against someone but maybe make me a bit wiser in my dealings with them.

 

...still reading.

 

Hmmm...I think I may have misstated. It wasn't accidental, the INTENT was not to hurt me. Rather, it was done with willful disregard of me and my feelings entirely, but the ONLY possible outcome was that I would be hurt.

[AlmiraGulch]

:crying: I'm sorry. Our family's routine has totally changed and quieted down since this happened between me and this other individual at the beginning of October.

 

Our holidays were very different from how we thought they would be.

 

I'm sorry. Give yourself time.:grouphug:

I'm sorry for you, too. :grouphug: