extendedforecast Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Yesterday, as we were getting ready to leave the house, dd9 came to me asking why her hairline was red. I checked her hair and noticed that it had been sprayed with the red aerosol can from Halloween. She was upset about it and denied spraying her hair. I asked her several times in different ways if she was playing around with it, if she wore any hats, etc. She said she didn't know how her hair could have been sprayed. So then I called down the older two dd's and asked them if they knew how her hair got red. They both seemed surprised and denied doing it. I had thought maybe it was done as a prank. So no one knew how I happened, and I started to get peeved because it was apparent someone was lying. I sent dd to shower and dropped the issue, telling all the girls that I would try to think of how it could have happened, but that I had a feeling that someone was withholding information. So I forgot about it until this morning when I saw a red spot on our carpet, and when asked dd said she didn't know, but she was resting on the floor there yesterday. So here is where I need advice. How do I go about finding out what happened. I HATE the idea that someone is lying. I know it is common for kids to lie when they think they're going to get in trouble. My oldest dd has had particular trouble with lying in the past. I hate to accuse her just because of her history, but the other two are quite honest, or at least haven't ever been caught lying. How would you get to the bottom of this? Am I making too much of it? Sometimes I do have to tell myself it's not the end of the world, but when it comes to lying, I have a hard time letting go. I want my kids to be able to tell me anything. I want to be able to help them when they get in situations that are over their heads, but I fear that if they get used to lying to me, I won't be able to be there for them. A lot of this comes from my experience with my parents. I was afraid of being judged and of disappointing my parents, so I dealt with a lot of big issues on my own. I don't want this to happen wth my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acurtis75 Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I think when you discover a child lying and you're sure of the situation it deserves well thought out consistent punishment. We never extend grace or let dd out of punishment if she lied and we know it. That being said, unless I'm absolutely sure of the facts I don't punish her. I think I came up with this based on something I read in a book but I have no idea what book at this point. Basically, the relationship is more important than being right so if I'm not certain about what happened I don't punish. With kids there are plenty of opportunities to punish when you know the facts and the damage to the relationship done by wrongly accusing a child of lying or punishing when they didn't lie isn't worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I'd let it go too. Well, no...I would first sit the kids down and calmly tell them that the situation is confusing to me and that I'd like to know what happened. Then I'd tell them that if anyone would like to talk to me about it, they can come talk to me tonight. I personally would not punish for this. I'd like to establish first that the kids can tell me things...hopefully cutting off future lying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I would probably do nothing and make sure those types of paint cans were somewhere they would need to ask permission to use in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Thanks for the quick replies. It really helps to have someone say it's not w big deal. I've been so worried lately about the kids growing up into decent human beings and not messing them up, lol. It does make sense to only punish when it is apparent what exactly went down. I suppose a general statement that what happened is unfortunate because it ruined the carpet will have to suffice. Do you have any advice for how to make them feel comfortable admitting guilt? I have one who is very good about saying, "I did it." another is pretty good as well, but the third one will lie even if it happened right in front of my eyes. This did actually happen. She apologized and said it just comes out of her mouth before she can even think about it. I just told her to take it back and tell the truth when that happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Thanks for the quick replies. It really helps to have someone say it's not w big deal. I've been so worried lately about the kids growing up into decent human beings and not messing them up, lol. It does make sense to only punish when it is apparent what exactly went down. I suppose a general statement that what happened is unfortunate because it ruined the carpet will have to suffice. Do you have any advice for how to make them feel comfortable admitting guilt? I have one who is very good about saying, "I did it." another is pretty good as well, but the third one will lie even if it happened right in front of my eyes. This did actually happen. She apologized and said it just comes out of her mouth before she can even think about it. I just told her to take it back and tell the truth when that happens. Even worse, I have one who will admit to things she didn't do just to resolve the conflict. I can never believe her admissions of guilt!:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 I was that kid :tongue_smilie: I don't handle conflict well, lol, therefore the punishment was worth getting out of the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 I would probably do nothing and make sure those types of paint cans were somewhere they would need to ask permission to use in the future. I have no idea how the red hair spray got out of the Halloween box that's in the garage under a stack of other seasonal boxes. You're right though. I'm going to let it go and toss the spray when I find it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwjx2khsmj Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I'd want to know where the spray was and what happened that everyone felt they needed to cover it up. In our house that would mean I called a family meeting and let everyone know they have x number of minutes to get to the living room with the spray. I'd ask them all to tell me what happened, the truth, please and listen until they were done. I'd go over whatever rules I had about the spray. For me that would be that it's not used without permission and it's only used outside with supervision (or whatever you decide). I'd let the dc know that I expect honesty and full discloser whenever I ask for information. Part of my standard "it's important to tell the truth" speech is that their honesty in small things now builds the foundation for trust through their lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I'd let it go too. Well, no...I would first sit the kids down and calmly tell them that the situation is confusing to me and that I'd like to know what happened. Then I'd tell them that if anyone would like to talk to me about it, they can come talk to me tonight. I personally would not punish for this. I'd like to establish first that the kids can tell me things...hopefully cutting off future lying. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Eventually you will probably find out. I would let it go unless you know the full story. If you ever find out the story, I would give a real light punishment for using the spray paint and a harder punishment for lying. So they get the message that if they told the truth in the first place they would have only had the light punishment. If you are known to always give hard punishments, then this might not work (ie they won't believe that you would have only given a light punishment for the spray paint). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 This is very difficult, because you don't have any evidence. How about you say: OK, no one gets punished for anything, *if you tell me the whole truth right now?* I promise--no one will be in trouble if I hear the truth in the next five minutes! Then see what happens. And of course, follow through with no consequences. At least you will know what happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I simply call them all together, explain I'm not stupid and I know someone is lying. I suggest if whoever it is comes to me privately we'll talk and not punish. I don't want them to be afraid to tell me things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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