With outside classes, at one point does a grandparent's health come first?

[momofkhm]

MIL has been home all of 3 days since the beginning of the summer. She has either been at the hospital or in rehab. She came home again yesterday but somehow is doing very poorly today, lost bladder and bowel control. FIL just called dh and asked him to come up for a few days to help. I told dh that in terms of us, go. I don't know what he's got going at work, etc.

 

I'd love to go with him, take the kids of course. Oldest has mythology Mondays, anatomy and guitar on Tuesdays, writing Wednesdays and British Lit on Thursdays. Middle has cooking science Mondays, Spanish and piano on Tuesdays, voice Wednesdays and biology lab co-op on Thursdays. (I'm teaching lab this week and next)

 

She's not dieing. She's not that bad off that I can tell. They sent her home because she made the milestones to go home, not b/c there's nothing else to do for her. If they'd given her x days to live, we'd be there in a heartbeat. (They live 4 hours away.) But with she's not doing well, when do you pitch the classes and just go?

 

We can and probably should go up for a weekend. But FIL is at wit's end now. Today. DH is going tonight.

 

thanks!

[BlsdMama]

My thoughts are that continuing class might create a more educated person but going where you are NEEDED will create a mo,re compassionate one.

 

I wish with all my might that my family and I could be near my grandfather for the next year or two to hwlpcare for him. :( If it's in any way possible, help. Which would you rather regret? Obviously just my two cents from an obviously homesick mama.

[love2read]

They'll use the same standard when making choices as adults that they see you using today. Do what you can live with now and in 40 years.

[Susan C.]

Would it work to go back and forth? Home Monday thru Thursday, there Friday thru Sunday. The few days you are there you can catch up cleaning, laundry, cook extra meals for warming, and keep tabs.

[PeterPan]

Cheryl, mind if I ask how old your MIL is? When family had to fight a long time before anyone would listen about my grandma's issues like that. They finally put her in the nursing home. It might be the answer is something different than you uprooting your family and going up there.

[mjbucks1]

First, does your dh have any siblings that could help out?? What about your MIL coming to stay with you for awhile?? We did this last spring with my MIL (she has metastatic breast cancer and had fallen and broken her ankle). We rearranged furniture and put a hospital bed in our living room. We have a 1/2 bath downstairs and it was difficult to get my MIL upstairs for a shower but we did it a couple times a week. While it was not easy, we made it work. It was much easier to care for her in our house, than trying to care for her in her home. Nursing homes in our area run about $200/day. That gets expensive quite quickly (and insurance does not pay for it unless the patient is "skilled" by receiving PT/OT/SLP or IVs OR through private nursing home insurance). I actually work as a PT in a nursing home on Saturdays, so I also know that sometimes placement in a facility is warranted. Just a suggestion :D. But I do agree that your kids will look at your actions as the standard. I would do what you need to do now so you do not have any regrets later. I helped to care for my grandmother when she was dying and basically did all the care for my father when he was dying (and NO school got done then!!) It was hard, but I have no regrets. And I am so thankful that I opened our home to my MIL when she needed us (even though not all the lessons got done every day!!). The kids did learn the lesson of compassion :D.

Many prayers to you as you make this difficult decision.

[G5052]

I always said that I would want to take care of my parents near the end of their lives, but ultimately I could not in either case. In both cases, the best choice at the time was to have them in an institution with 24/7 care. Not every family can handle full-time care, and there are situations where they can't be moved and/or where they have psychiatric issues that make them to dangerous to have in your home.

 

A social worker may be able to help your family work out in-home care for awhile, but you need to look at all of the options. Even if you drop everything and go, this may not be sustainable.

[Julie in MN]

With outside classes, at one point does a grandparent's health come first?

 

I wouldn't put the outside classes first. That doesn't mean I would go for sure, I just wouldn't base my decision on the classes.

 

We have had sudden deaths as well as long-term illness in our family. My feeling is that you must take care of yourself as the mother of your children. They need you. And taking care of your children's mother might mean that taking care of incontinence and such is just too much. So, you stay home and organize what you can from home. Or, taking care of yourself might mean that you cannot allow your fil to stress by himself right now, maybe simply because regret will weigh on your heart and eat at you in the future. So, you go help.

 

I would think it through without the classes being a factor. Decide what *you* need to do and do that.

 

Julie

[mjbucks1]

A social worker may be able to help your family work out in-home care for awhile, but you need to look at all of the options. Even if you drop everything and go, this may not be sustainable.

 

:iagree:

[Mom22ns]

They'll use the same standard when making choices as adults that they see you using today. Do what you can live with now and in 40 years.

 

This.

 

No one can tell you what to do. You must figure out what is right for your family. I wouldn't base the decision on outside classes though.

[choirfarm]

Many of you are saying chunk the classes and if they are extra, I could see that, but if these are for high school credit ( and since her kids are 14 and 16 they may well be), then what would she do for credit? I've been where you are... first year I homeschooled my dh's grandmother stayed with us off and on and his dad was in intensive care off and on. My boys were 2nd and 4th. The next year my dad fell and broke his femur and his COPD was worse, couldn't walk, 24 hour oxygen, lived with us for 9 months. Never could drive again. Spent the next several years in a house next to us. I had to take him to Walmart, doctor's appts, physical therapy.. he was diagnosed with a spot on his lung and then bladder cancer. He eventually passed away and then I had to handle everything with his estate.

 

It isn't easy. I'm sure your FIL is tired. I had no help from my sister while my dad was alive. I don't blame her.. My dad was bipolar and I think my sister suffers from depression and lots of other issues. She just couldn't deal with him. So I feel for your FIL. At the same time you have your family. I would go down this weekend. Then you all need to sit down and talk about what exactly the long term prognosis is, what kind of care she needs, etc. BE HONEST. I can't tell from your classes what is absolutely essential, but if some of them are for high school credit and you can't really do them on your own/have committed to teach, then that is a legitimate concern that people need to consider. You all need to work together to make a plan. The last 2 years have been much easier for me since my dad died, although I miss him very much. I'm not quite sure how I did it all. My middle boy, especially in the younger years used to say, "I don't know why you call this homeschooling. We are never home. We are always at the doctor's office or helping Grandpa." I wasn't doing high school at the time. High school counts.

 

Although everyone says, "OH, what a great way for them to learn compassion." Let me tell you reality: You feel pulled in way too many directions, your kids complain... If you think they will happily drop their lives to take care of relatives..don't count on it. I did it because I had to...it was my duty. I needed to honor my father, even though he was a hard man to deal with. That said, he came to the Lord and ended up being baptized in a pool with both my sons. It was hard, but it was worth it. But be realistic about what you can do. I will be praying for you.

 

Christine

[G5052]

We've had family crises EVERY year we've homeschooled. Big crises. When they were little, it was a no-brainer to drop everything and drive down to Florida for a month to care for a relative. Now? Much, much harder. I decided recently to leave my children at home with a patchwork of care arrangements while I flew across the country to be with relatives. I decided that was the best arrangement for all of us. They didn't really know the individual, and I had an apartment and storage areas to clean out in two days. And the plane ticket there was $1000+.

 

Yes, your children need to learn compassion, but also skills for managing crises. Sometimes you have to delegate parts to others, sometime even bring in professionals. Not necessarily everyone needs to be involved in everything either.

[Nan in Mass]

How does your mil feel about this? In my family, the older generation takes advantage of the younger generations and the younger generations are expected (and want) to contribute, but there is a strong general feeling that the younger generation's education has to come before everything else. The young are not allowed to sacrifice for the old in any way that will impact the ability of the future generation to support themselves (and by extension, support the future family), even if they want to (which they usually do). My sons in college would want to quit and go help their grandparents, but the grandparents would be devastated if they did that. In your situation, if I showed up with older children in tow, my parents and my inlaws would send me back home again. When the children were younger, everyone was grateful for the flexibility of homeschooling and happy to take advantage of it, but as soon as they hit high school, there were worried clucks over even an evening visit, for fear it would interfere with homework.

Just in case this helps... Ignore it if it isn't right for your family. Every family is different.

Nan

[Jane in NC]

How does your mil feel about this? In my family, the older generation takes advantage of the younger generations and the younger generations are expected (and want) to contribute, but there is a strong general feeling that the younger generation's education has to come before everything else.

 

Thank you, Nan, for stating this as gracefully as you did. This is our family ethos as well.

[Mom22ns]

Although everyone says, "OH, what a great way for them to learn compassion." Let me tell you reality: You feel pulled in way too many directions, your kids complain... If you think they will happily drop their lives to take care of relatives..don't count on it. I did it because I had to...it was my duty. I needed to honor my father, even though he was a hard man to deal with. That said, he came to the Lord and ended up being baptized in a pool with both my sons. It was hard, but it was worth it. But be realistic about what you can do. I will be praying for you.

 

Christine

 

Having experienced the deaths of both of my parents, both on hospice care in their home, the first with me a strong secondary care giver, the second with me as the primary care giver, I certainly acknowledge it is hard. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. However, my kids never complained once. Not about missing gymnastics, not about missing their final band and orchestra concerts, not about their teacher doing a lousy job or school continuing weeks late to make up what we missed, never. There was stress and deciding what was ok to miss and what wasn't was hard and the choices are individual. No two people would handle the situation in the same way and yes high school credit matters. However, deciding what is right for the family is bigger than just what happens to outside classes or teaching commitments. Decide on a large scale what is most important, then figure out how to make that work.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[momofkhm]

Thank you all!

 

DH is up there right now. I'm trying to give him the freedom to come and go as needed. He is an only so it will all fall to us. The thing about bringing her here is the doctors are all up there. Would it make sense to change doctors in the middle?

 

The classes are all for credit - or partial credit. Many will end up being 1/2 credit. Others will be combined with something else to be a credit. But yes, the 14 and 16 yo are high school. (oops the 16 yo turned 17 over the weekend!)

 

Thanks for all the personal stories. It really helps!

[choirfarm]

However, my kids never complained once.

.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

You are lucky. To be honest, it wasn't missing activities that they whined about.. "We're going to Granpa's again... We have to sit through therapy...again... I just want to stay home." They complained a lot. And I kept thinking they would just jump in and help out, but they didn't. The younger two would be squabbling in the car while I am struggling with the wheelchair. I would have to say, "Can someone get the door. Will someone help open the door for granpa.." I had to tell them what to do. Now granted they were 3, 8 and 10 when it all started and 7, 12, and 14 when it ended. My 14yo was actually taking the wheelchair out without being asked and starting to see what needed to be done without me telling them. But they resented all the time it took. I wish I knew how I could have made them more compassionate. Everyone said how wonderful it would be. It just wasn't.

 

Christine

[Mom22ns]

Thank you all!

 

DH is up there right now. I'm trying to give him the freedom to come and go as needed. He is an only so it will all fall to us. The thing about bringing her here is the doctors are all up there. Would it make sense to change doctors in the middle?

 

I just wanted to tell you that the most important thing my dh did during the loss of both of my parents was give me the freedom to do whatever I thought I needed to do. If I left the kids home with him, fine. If we needed to move in my parents house 4 hours away, ok. He just followed whatever I needed. It was a tremendous gift and I wanted to tell you what a valuable gift you are giving your dh just by giving him that freedom, guilt free.

[choirfarm]

I just wanted to tell you that the most important thing my dh did during the loss of both of my parents was give me the freedom to do whatever I thought I needed to do. If I left the kids home with him, fine. If we needed to move in my parents house 4 hours away, ok. He just followed whatever I needed. It was a tremendous gift and I wanted to tell you what a valuable gift you are giving your dh just by giving him that freedom, guilt free.

 

Yep, I agree. My dh was not pleased at ALL to have my dad living with us. I can't blame him. My dad wasn't compliant or helpful sometimes, had to be MADE to do therapy, etc. My dh was in surgery all day or in the office with patients, coming home late, working weekends.. He wanted to be away from patients and here was his fil. It was awful. My dad would watch things I didn't think was appropriate, so we would be in the other part of the house. So yes, giving your hubby freedom and being supportive is wonderful.