Opinions wanted or how to address an awkward situation

[Cathy in IL]

I need wisdom on a situation at my church. I can't really talk to people about it because it feels like gossip, but I figure here is a safe place because no one knows any of the parties involved.

 

In an effort to help me as a single mom, my church asked a man in the church to help make sure practical things get done in my house. He would organize other guys to come over or come over himself and fix things that broke, install baby gates, etc. It has been a great help.

 

This man and his wife came and babysat for my children several times. Everything got confusing when I was going through a rough time and his wife asked me about it, seemed genuinely concerned, and I shared with her. She said to call her anytime and told me how very much she cared. But then when I actually called her, she was never available to talk, cancelled every meeting we scheduled, and completely avoided me.

 

I e-mailed the church and this couple telling tham that I didn't think he should have the role he does with my family when his wife and I don't even speak to each other. It just doesn't seem right. But nothing has changed. He still calls and takes the role the church had given him months ago. She still doesn't speak to me at all.

 

Now for your wisdom and insight . . . Where do I go from here? Who do I talk to about this? What I really would like is reconciliation with his wife, but I have tried every means I can think of to get that and it just isn't happening. It makes me sad because I valued her friendship, but it isn't up to me.

[Tammyla]

Oh, Cathy, that is awkward and I wish I had an answer. :grouphug: There might be stress in her life or marriage.

[Lisawa]

I need wisdom on a situation at my church. I can't really talk to people about it because it feels like gossip, but I figure here is a safe place because no one knows any of the parties involved.

 

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry... how strange she would just stop taking calls...

 

Maybe you can pull her aside at church? Ask what happened? Tell her what you just said here... all of it... and let her know how much you value her friendship.

 

I'm thinking she really has other issues because, to treat someone that way for no reason... is beyond me. I hope and pray you are able to resolve the issue... what ever her issue may be...but then, if this is how she behaves, maybe its better to move on??

 

If you cant get an answer or resolution, you can go to an elder or even a pastor and share what is going on. If she wont listen any way.

 

Just said a prayer for ya.

[Guest Shanna]

I.would.send.her.a.card.thanking.her.for.giving.up.her.husbands.time.with,their.family.to.help.you.

 

She.may.feel.like.he.is.always.doing.for.you.and.not.at.home.

 

If.that.is.the.case.then.really.it.is.her.attitude.that.needs.to.be.worked.on.

 

But.I.would.still.thank.her.

 

Maybe.even.get.a.gift.card.for.a.night.out.for.dinner.for.the.two.of.them.

 

It.doesnt.have.to.be.expensive.

[Josie]

Here are my rambling thoughts....

 

1. Do you think writing her a nice letter describing your feelings would help?

 

2. Are there other men in this ministry who could be in charge of your family? I might talk to the minister and just briefly, nicely, and graciously tell him what you wrote here and see if you can get reassigned.

 

3. I really think that a man should not be in the same house alone with a woman. When he comes to help does another man/woman come with him? I think this is a great ministry, but I think it might be best as a team ministry.

[Trivium Academy]

I agree with the idea to send her family (not her in particular) a thank you card for their help and ministry- a gift card for the family is better than just the two of them, if you can afford it. You do not need to cater to her, be thankful and appreciative of the gifts their family has given you and that's all you can do.

 

A friendship shouldn't be forced just b/c of circumstances and she is sending clear signals she doesn't wish to entertain a friendship with you. Whatever her reasons are hers to own and live with. As long as you haven't done anything wrong, there's no reason to put yourself out for her. If you've stepped over the line in some area, I would make apologies and let it go.

 

I wouldn't force a reconciliation, she knows you've attempted to reach her in friendship. I'm sorry for this situation, but it's not your situation, kwim? You could get counsel from your pastor on how to proceed but I wouldn't ask him to solve it, you have the power to control only your actions, not hers.

 

If anything else, you could ask the pastor to find another volunteer b/c you suspect this man's help is causing problems in his life. Beyond that, I'd let it lie. Pass the bean dip.

 

((((Cathy))))

We're about to move to a new church, I'll keep your situation on my mind as we meet new people. There might be single moms at our new church that need reaching out to.

 

Josie was writing as I was- I share the same belief about a man and woman alone. Whoever is volunteering, please request they bring someone else (a son, daughter, fellow church member, etc) to bare witness nothing is happening other than work is being done. Request this through your pastor when you ask for reassignment. I dislike even service men being at our home unless dh is present. Protect yourself.

[Cathy in IL]

I agree with what each of you has shared.

 

Josie, I have sent the letter, but the response didn't resolve anything. I agree about the man alone in a house with a woman thing. Usually he has not been here alone because I have had friends over or the project being done has called for a team. I did suggest to church leadership that maybe he shouldn't continue in this role, but no one seems to be taking it seriously. In fact I think it has resulted in me looking like I am rejecting help, when that is not my intention at all.

 

Shanna, I have thanked her in writing and in conversation before things got confusing. She said they were so glad to be doning it and that my family has been a blessing to both of them.

 

Lisa, I wish I could pull her aside at church. Our church is really big, so I haven't seen her there in weeks. Her husband said they would look for me at church this week, so we will see how that goes.

 

I suppose the church is a family and has issues like any other family.

[PiCO]

Everything got confusing when I was going through a rough time and his wife asked me about it, seemed genuinely concerned, and I shared with her. She said to call her anytime and told me how very much she cared. But then when I actually called her, she was never available to talk, cancelled every meeting we scheduled, and completely avoided me.

 

 

Do you think whatever you told her caused this reaction? Would she not want to associate with you anymore because of what you confided in her?

 

If this is the case, I would ask to be reassigned.

[Remudamom]

Let's think worse case scenario. What if she thinks there is something going on between you and her dh? In a setting like this, where all appearances must be watched, the man should not be over at your house at all without someone else there with him. Either his wife or another man from the church. Kids don't count.

 

If you want to handle this Biblically, go to the wife and ask her what is wrong. If you get no response, go to the pastor. I'd go to him and tell him what you know, and ask to clear the air. I know you've already been ignored, so go face to face.

 

If they still ignore your concerns, tell the man you can no longer accept his help with the situation as it is. Just toughen up and do it. To me, your reputation is much more important than the help around the house. You could also schedule a meeting with the wife and your pastor.

 

And yes, maybe you shared too much. In that case you also need to confront this.

[Lisawa]

 

I suppose the church is a family and has issues like any other family.

 

It really is... and you writing a thank you note was a great thing.... but like the others have said, it cant be forced. Its her problem now... as far as it is w/ you, you have tried what you can to be open, honest and communicate.... and since you have done that... its now up to her....

 

I hope you can find peace and give yourself grace in the fact that you have tried. You are obviously thoughtful and were working toward peace... thats something to feel good about. *Ü*

[Cathy in IL]

PiCO, I think so, but she says it didn't. She says she was "honored to have been shared with and to have prayed with me that night." She says she is simply overextended in her personal life. I don't expect we will ever be "friends" and that is okay. It is just frustrating that the words and the care that were expressed don't make sense at all with the actions that followed. I think the things I shared that I am battling hit too close to home for her.

 

It sounds like the initial consensus is the same as my thoughts - someone else should take over this role for my family.

[PiCO]

PiCO, I think so, but she says it didn't. She says she was "honored to have been shared with and to have prayed with me that night." She says she is simply overextended in her personal life. I don't expect we will ever be "friends" and that is okay. It is just frustrating that the words and the care that were expressed don't make sense at all with the actions that followed. I think the things I shared that I am battling hit too close to home for her.

 

It sounds like the initial consensus is the same as my thoughts - someone else should take over this role for my family.

 

Wow- I know it's hard to have someone move out of your life right after you've shared personal information.

 

If I were in your place, I think I would send a "thank-you" card to the family (as someone here suggested), and then request someone else take over the role.

 

Sorry you have to go through this!

[PiCO]

Wow- I know it's hard to have someone move out of your life right after you've shared personal information.

 

If I were in your place, I think I would send a "thank-you" card to the family (as someone here suggested), and then request someone else take over the role.

 

Sorry you have to go through this!

 

Nevermind- I hadn't read your reponse above. I now see you've done everything you can do, really.

 

Is there someone in church leadership you can talk to in more detail about why you think someone else should be assigned to you?

[asta]

One thing to consider is that, while you may have done nothing wrong, and you may not have shared anything with that woman that would be considered inappropriate, the woman may have interpreted/internalized something you said in a manner that is threatening to her.

 

Here is an example: You are a single mom. You expressed the circumstances that led to your singlehood. You also expressed your fears about raising your child (what would happen if you lost your job, who would take care of him/her were you to become critically ill/die, etc.)

 

If the woman you are expressing these things to has any fears at all - warranted or unwarranted about her own marriage or ability to support her own child, hearing your story could set off a type of panic attack (fight or flight).

 

If this woman acknowledges her fears, then she may be willing to talk about them, but not necessarily to you. If she doesn't, then she isn't going to talk to anyone (don't acknowledge it, and it can't come true; it is a classic denial mechanism).

 

In reality, none of us really knows other people. For all you know, she is this guy's second wife, and she is afraid of becoming an ex-wife. Or maybe he is a second husband, and she is carrying some guilt. Or, simply, the whole situation is just one she avoids because "out of sight, out of mind"; she may figure if she only deals with "happily married" people, that is how she will remain. People are pretty complex, psychology is weird.

 

I'd ask the pastor for a different pairing - this one has more angles than is necessary for what you need right now.

 

 

asta

[Julie in CA]

If you've already tried to address the situation with the wife and the church leadership, and they don't take steps to put someone else in that role, I think you need to just not have any jobs you need help with. Find other avenues to get things done, be it family, or a neighbor's help, or asking someone else from the church to help you privately. When this man asks you if you need anything done, the answer is "no, I can't think of anything right now, but thanks for asking." If the church leadership won't change the situation, and you can see that it is damaging relationships, I think you have a responsibility to take care of it yourself. Yeah, it's not as easy as having this guy (who's really supposed to be helping) do the job, but in the long run you can feel good about doing those things yourself, or finding other resources for getting the help you need.

[pbjmeyer]

If you have gone to the woman, and written to her, then the next step would be to express your concerns to your pastor, ask him to talk with the wife, and ask him to assign a different family to help you if she cannot begin to change her attitude toward you. If he doesn't follow thru, you may just need to tell the man involved not to come over.

But as said several times above, you always need to have a 3rd party with you if a married man comes to help on your house.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm going to suggest a slightly different take here. I don't see a huge problem here.

 

Your church has graciously provided you with a handyman.

His wife has graciously given her support to her husband sharing his gift of helps with you.

She has reached out to you by babysitting your children and being an occasional confidante to you. Maybe she did not realize that when she offered her "ear" that she would need to be so available to you. She has explained that you haven't done anything wrong - she's just overwhelmed. I don't mean this to sound mean (and I don't know you IRL so please take this with a whole salt shaker of salt!) but you sound a bit needy. My advice is to back off. Have friends around when the man comes to help you out. Be kind but more "professional". I think this couple (including the wife) really do love you and really do want to reach out to you. But I think she really is overwhelmed. And maybe seeing your hurt is making her even more overwhelmed because it puts pressure on her. So, give her some room and give yourself some room too. I think it will be just fine. :grouphug:

[Cathy in IL]

Okay, let me add that I never asked for the help in the first place.

[Julie in CA]

Cathy,

I don't think you need to defend yourself at all! I hope you didn't get the impression that we think you did the wrong thing! It sure is nice to have a church with such a plan for support--much better than having the church not caring for you at all. I'm sure this will all work out, if you can find the right ear to listen to the problem. Perhaps if you put this to the church leadership as a situation where you need some counsel, and then they'd listen to your concerns in a different light? Just tell them that you have a situation that is making you feel stressed, and ask for a counseling session with whoever does such counseling within your church. When you get there, then you tell them what is stressing you out (including this situation). When put in terms of something that's making you feel stressed, maybe they'll do something about it.

Also, you should tell them that you need your outside counseling to be very private. Absolutely. Surely they are just being a little overzealous in their efforts in order to assure themselves that they're doing everything possible (?).

Blessings to you!