What about parents living with you as they age?

[rafiki]

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[Kelli in TN]

How kind and thoughtful you are.

 

I do believe that it is right and good for our generation to care for the generations that cared for us!

 

I would definitely start checking into what resources your community has to provide support to you should you need to provide support to your family member(s).

 

May God's blessings be upon you as you make these decisions.

[Ellie]

I wished that we could have had my mil live with us, but she had life-threatening health conditions that made it impossible. She was in assissted living until she passed away. The best we could do was move to Texas from Calif to be close to her :-)

 

Yes, absolutely, if you can do it, do it. Don't hesitate for an instant.

[Rhonda in TX]

My FIL? No way. Absolutely, positively no way. He's too bad-tempered and critical. He made DH's childhood miserable. I'm not exposing my kids to that on a daily basis. My MIL? Ummm, maybe. My dad? Only if he was able to have some sort of completely separate quarters. He would hate being dependent and not having his own space.

 

They all live near us, so we don't have to worry about that. If they didn't, hopefully they would be willing to move closer to us as they age.

That was invaluable when my mom had cancer. We were able to help my dad. He tried to do everything himself. At one point we were very worried about him as well as my mom because he wouldn't leave her, even when she was in the hospital for weeks.

[GreenKitty]

Absolutely.

 

When the time comes for us I would welcome it.

[jmgconner]

Channeling my inner-Martha: "It's a good thing." :D

 

One of our plans is for us to buy some land, build a home, and build MIL quarters. Both of our Moms are single and not in the best of shape physically.

[Adrianne]

Good thing? Bad thing? Pondering if we should look into MIL quarters as well. We would be the ones stepping up to take care of both of our mother's, which would be difficult when they live in another town. Both have issues going on where they could use the stability and I'd love them to be more a part of the boys lives while they are able.

 

It is working out well for us. My dad lives with us (in a separate building) and has for about 5 or 6 years now. He still working and in good health. My boys really enjoy having pop-pop live with us on a daily basis. I see them forming a relationship that they do not have with their other grandparents. (the built in baby sitter rocks too!) It also adds another dynamic to our family life. We need to take my dad into consideration for a lot that we do. (did I mention the built in baby sitter ROCKS!)

 

It also gives us a chance to talk about the future if something should happen. We have no plans to move ever so alterations to the building and what if scenarios are discussed from time to time.

 

I do however think it depends on the personalities of everyone involved. I do not think the same situation would work out if it were my mother living with us. You need to carefully consider your relationship with the parent. I see the potential for many situations in which things could go terribly wrong and ruin the relationships involved.

[Liza Q]

My MIL lived with us for nearly 10 years, then with my SIL for 2 years, and then in a nursing home before she died.

 

It was very hard, as we live in an apartment and sometimes I really thought that my head would explode. She was an alcoholic for much of my husband's childhood/youth and she had different ideas/standards than we did in so many areas...

 

But if I could do it all over - I would do it again. We were there for her when she needed us and it was just the right thing to do. My husband and I had discussed the possibility before we were married and, while it happened much sooner than I had hoped, I was not unprepared.

 

Sadly, I resented her a lot of the time and I was not always kind and loving :blush: At the time I justified myself a lot - 5 pregnancies with constant nausea, etc., homeschooling, financial struggles, over a year without my own bedroom (sleeping on the couch while pregnant is not pleasant!) - but now I just wish I could spend time with her and love her more.

[Liza Q]

Another thought - this may seem like a small thing, but I have seen that a lot of things are easier when they move in with you, as opposed to you moving in with them.

 

My parents were renting a house from my aunt. My aunt needed to sell the house so my sister bought it. She, her husband and their two young children moved in and, on the surface, it has seemed very smooth. However, I know that my parents give her a hard time about a lot of things because they still see it as *their* house. Mom and Dad insist on cable tv and a cleaning lady and then insist that my sister pay half. And the heating, the decorating, letting the children do whatever they want when my sister is not there - it has been a hard adjustment. And I would characterize my sister and my Mom as having an excellent relationship!

 

And...think carefully about the STUFF. My MIL mourned for years over junk that we threw away (we had to rent a dumpster because her apartment was crammed full of junk and she was moving into one room with us - a large master bedroom with a private bathroom, but still not spacious!) and I honestly think that she was traumatized.

 

I used to think that it was just her - till we went through my parent's home when my sister moved in and got rid of a lot of things. I was truly surprised at how my parents acted and I realized that it is just never easy to dismantle your life and start over.

 

So - not that you can avoid getting rid of stuff but....be as gentle as possible.

[cin]

while I think it is a good thing, I think you have to take into account the personalities of all parties involved. As a child, my grandmother lived with us. IT was my mother's mom, and my dad really resented it. We couldnt' do much of anything. Going on vacation was a MAJOR issue, finding someone to care for her (nevermind that she had 4 other kids living in the city). There was a constant tension in our home. We couldn't go anywhere as a family, because someone had to stay home with grandma.

 

I think that, if possible, having a separate little appartment area for them is a great idea. My grandmother stayed in her bedroom most of the time and I think it was because of the tension.

 

I think it is a long-term commitment, and a serious one, that ALL parties need to be in agreement on. It is more of a committment than a child, in a lot of cases, (you can spank a child if they are beligerant, you really can't spank your parents!) If you do this, I think you need to think about 'substitute' care, in case you choose to take a vacation or go out for a long day, (depending on the condition of the parent). You also need to think about long-term. Is there a point in which you will put them in a nursing home, or assisted living? Figure that out NOW.

 

In our case, my MIL has alzheimer's and we are startign to look at assited living for her. We get along OK, but she LOVES to corrupt the children, no matter the consequences (chocolate gives dd6 night terrors, she thinks we're just mean about it). She also has a mean streak, and as the AZ gets worse, we see that getting worse. There are also alot of issues wiht AZ that we just cannot deal with; wandering and confusion, getting lost, etc. One of us would have to be home at all times (or have a complete stranger, under the guise of Senior Care come in--something that totally freaks DH out) and DH does not want me cutting back on the activities with the girls. It is HIS mother, so I'm not arguing or pushing back.

 

jmho :)

[Scarlett]

We have a lot big enough to build guest quarters. My MIL----never never ever. Dh would never ask it of me. My mom and step-dad....it would be hard. At this point they are both very healthy and independent. But they've made a comment or two about moving to my city (currently 45 min away) to be closer to me for the future.

[covenant.christian]

I wish my parents would live with us. I think we are on the other side of your question, because they won't move in with us, and I wish they would. They need looking after, but are just stubborn...:tongue_smilie:

[lynn]

My parents rotated the care of my Oma. 6 months with mother and 6 months with my aunt. My nana mom had full time but my uncle and his wife would come and stay at mothers a couple times a year so they could go on vacation. They had their own room. Didn't really need a lot of care they were both fairly independent until maybe the few months. Neither wanted to go into a home so mother respected that and did what she good. It wasn't always easy, she had to find a lot of humor of it all.

[lynn]

My fil lived in our area for a while and hated being away from his drs and "friends" so he moved back. WE tried. My parents are still pretty healthy but my sister and I were talking about their future needs and it's all in the timing. If the need for them to live with us is 5-10years down the road we have room for them as the teens are getting older and will be moving out by then. My sis has room for them as long as they can climb the stairs.

[GailV]

I wish my parents would live with us. I think we are on the other side of your question, because they won't move in with us, and I wish they would. They need looking after, but are just stubborn...:tongue_smilie:

 

This sounds like us. My parents think it's a terrible idea for generations to live together, and are always going on about how parents shouldn't be a burden on their children.

[skimerinkydo]

Good or bad may depend on the parents and what their aging issues may be. My mother lived with us for 6 months this year before we put her into assisted living. She is in great health but her dementia is to a point that she can no longer live alone. Living with us did not work because she fought with us the entire time. Dementia is more than just getting forgetful. If you ever must care for an aging parent with dementia you must get the book The 36 hour day. It is most helpful.