I just don't know what to do anymore

[ktgrok]

My ds12 has Aspergers. It was diagnosed last year, along with ADHD inattentive type and some very mild SPD and mild depression. He also has working memory problems that are much better after a lot of dictation. Anyway, the disrespectful behavior, the outbursts, the anger, the tears, the just plain MEAN behavior seems never ending. He was doing better at the start of the year, after we made a bunch of friends in a homeschool group. But now he says he wishes he wasn't homeschooled because then he wouldn't have to be around me all day. It hurts when he says that. I put SO much energy into him.

 

He is going to the local communications disorder clinic to get therapy for language pragmatics, but so far I don't know if it is helping. He did test over 1 grade level below where he should be, so we are sticking with the therapy. But he hates it. It makes him so angry that he needs "therapy" that he has outbursts several times a week. He yells and tells me he is just fine and doesn't need it and that I should be the one going, etc etc. I've tried to normalize it for him, I've explained that i went to speech therapy and so did his aunt, et etc. Doesn't matter.

 

We tried counseling but got no where, as he didn't want to be there and didn't talk other than to yell at me about how he didn't want to be there. His behavior at home was even worse because he was so stressed out about going.

 

Today my mom was in town and we hung out with her for a bit. He was angry that we couldn't stay longer because we had to go to the SLP for his therapy. He was a grump, was rude, and had a whole angry tirade about it.

 

Then tonight, after going to it, then going to dinner with his Dad that was in town, he came home and asked about his field trip tomorrow, to a local Islamic Center. My dh had wanted to go, but it is farther away than we realized and he can't take the time off work. My ds said "oh well" in this gleeful voice. We turned, shocked, and reprimanded him. And he said, "what, I don't want him to go" in a way that was just rude and mean. Hurtful. Hateful.

 

He is like this a lot lately. When he was called on it he said, "sorry!" in a snotty voice, like we were crazy and he wasn't sorry at all. Then when we said that wasn't good enough he started screaming that we wouldn't let him say he was sorry, he slammed door, banging things everywhere, etc.

 

He was sent to bed and he is not repentent at all.

 

I don't know what to do. I just don't.

 

I'm considering antidepressants, although honestly I don't know if I could even get him to take thm. His father has struggled with depression for years, and on and off antidepressants. The neuropsych didn't think the depression was bad enough to warrant them at the time. I just don't know.

[seraphina]

My ds (13) is an aspie too, he also has a general mood disorder (not specified). This age is awful. My ds was diagnosed when he was 5 and I remember being told back then that puberty would be the worst. When he was 11 he attempted suicide, it was hell. Even now his temper gets the best of him, he says mean things, he struggles in school. I feel this horrible guilt because even though he wants to be home with me I don't know if I could handle him. I really feel awful saying that. He can be difficult but all in all he is an amazing boy, smart, funny, lovely, hilarious.

 

I think that you are doing what you need to do. You have him in therapy. Meds are a very personal choice. My son is on meds. We took him off for several years and put him back on after his suicide attempt, he had been begging for them for sometime before that, more guilt.

 

I know this is a tough time, I wish I could offer a quick fix but all I can offer is my experience and an ear. PM me if you ever need to vent.

[renmew]

My almost 8 year kid is just like this also. He can be so loving and wonderful sometimes, but when he is in a bad mood, which is usually several times a day, everybody suffers. I took him off his meds last year, because he began raging like no other at 4pm ecery day. I am thinking heavily about putting him on something else. He screams, yells, throws things, hits his sisters, hates himself. I could go on and on, and I feel it is getting worse. After taking him off his meds last year he went through some heavy anxiety and depression, but it has gotten mostly better. I left his dad for the same behavior, and sometimes I want to hand the kid over as well. But I love him so much and am not ready to give up.

 

Hugs

[kalanamak]

No advice on kids, just :grouphug:. When I'm in a situation with someone difficult, I just try to remember how unpleasant it must be for them to be them. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Natalieclare]

Is he medicated fot the ADHD? We have had to experiment with several medications before we found one with the least impact on his mood. Really, I can't quite believe how bad the bad medications were!

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hurtful and exhausting it must be.

 

I know you probably are tired of hearing this, but have you tried alternate diets? There's one called the SBP (Spectrum Balance Protocol) which is difficult, but short term - about 4-6 months. I've heard it's had good success with Aspies and people who are out-of-control angry/mean/violent, as well as other issues like OCD and depression.

 

http://www.noharmfoundation.org/?page_id=17

 

Might be worth a look.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hurtful and exhausting it must be.

 

I know you probably are tired of hearing this, but have you tried alternate diets? There's one called the SBP (Spectrum Balance Protocol) which is difficult, but short term - about 4-6 months. I've heard it's had good success with Aspies and people who are out-of-control angry/mean/violent, as well as other issues like OCD and depression.

 

http://www.noharmfoundation.org/?page_id=17

 

Might be worth a look.

 

:iagree: I don't know what his diet is like, but taking my Aspie completely off processed sugars has help immensely! I can tell when he's had sugar, too. Like when he came back from sleeping over at my mom's. He was acting crazy and breaking down over the smallest things. I asked him what he had to eat at Grandma's. He kept saying nothing, but then my other son told me that they went to Dairy Queen and Grandma told them not to tell me. It is shocking how easily his diet affects his behavior. I've noticed this on many occasions.

[ktgrok]

Is he medicated fot the ADHD? We have had to experiment with several medications before we found one with the least impact on his mood. Really, I can't quite believe how bad the bad medications were!

 

No, no meds at this point. The ADHD just isn't a major issue, and he is so thin I am too scared of him losing weight to use meds.

[ktgrok]

Thanks all.I haven't tried diet yet. The house is now grain free for the most part, but I don't know that it has helped him at all. He gets grains some though....and really, this behavior is so consistent, for his whole life....

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug:

Mine is undiagnosed Aspie, so I've done a ton of reading (but am no expert--just saying I'm familiar with it). This is just my opinion, and may not be correct, but here goes...

 

I'd say you are seeing the Aspergers. He doesn't mean to be rude or hateful, it's the social part of his brain that doesn't see things like someone w/o Aspergers does. You are wise to get him the therapy he needs. You seem to be doing all the right things--:grouphug: It's his perception and understanding of what his words can do that is off. Think of his "filter" being broken--it's allowing words thru that would never normally be said. It's allowing him to express his emotions in a negative way that people w/o Aspergers don't usually do, because it isn't socially acceptable. He is hurtful because of his broken filter.

 

He CAN learn to be different, but it will take effort on his part. They are saying, now, that each person on the AS (spectrum) is unique in the way it manifests. Some have more angry interactions, shorter fuse, hostility, and some have more sensory stuff, and some...well, you get the picture. So, therapy has got to be pretty darn individual!

 

Anyway, my point is that knowing his motivation for being so difficult is not necessarily that he hates you or wants to hurt you or whatever--it's the broken filter--may help you depersonalize his words and not be quite so hurt.

 

Or maybe not--again, lots of :grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My ds12 has Aspergers. It was diagnosed last year, along with ADHD inattentive type and some very mild SPD (Are you doing anything related to a sensory diet?) and mild depression. He also has working memory problems that are much better after a lot of dictation. Anyway, the disrespectful behavior, the outbursts, the anger, the tears, the just plain MEAN behavior seems never ending. He was doing better at the start of the year, after we made a bunch of friends in a homeschool group. But now he says he wishes he wasn't homeschooled because then he wouldn't have to be around me all day. It hurts when he says that (I can't tell you how many times my ds has said that he F****** hates me. It hurts, but he doesn't mean it.Ours kids brains are not capable of putting themselves in our shoes. I said it back to my son one day, and it obviously hurt. We had a long talk that included a lot of apologizing from me and he now understands how hurtful it is. Now when he says he hates me, he'll stop and say "you know I don't hate you, I'm just so mad at you right now." One day, he'll stop the hating and only say he's mad). I put SO much energy into him.

 

He is going to the local communications disorder clinic to get therapy for language pragmatics, but so far I don't know if it is helping. He did test over 1 grade level below where he should be, so we are sticking with the therapy. But he hates it. It makes him so angry that he needs "therapy" that he has outbursts several times a week. He yells and tells me he is just fine and doesn't need it and that I should be the one going, etc etc. I've tried to normalize it for him, I've explained that i went to speech therapy and so did his aunt, et etc. Doesn't matter. It sounds like he's not accepting of his asperger's. You need to find the positives. I tell my daughter that her drawing abilities are because asperger's makes her hyper-focused when she likes something. She also knows that her brain works a little different than typical kids and that's why a lot of things are hard for her.)

 

We tried counseling but got no where, as he didn't want to be there and didn't talk other than to yell at me about how he didn't want to be there. His behavior at home was even worse because he was so stressed out about going. This sounds like a bit of anxiety from changes.

 

Today my mom was in town and we hung out with her for a bit. He was angry that we couldn't stay longer because we had to go to the SLP for his therapy. He was a grump, was rude, and had a whole angry tirade about it. He doesn't like speech, and it got in the way of a desired activity, so I would expect this.

 

Then tonight, after going to it, then going to dinner with his Dad that was in town, he came home and asked about his field trip tomorrow, to a local Islamic Center. My dh had wanted to go, but it is farther away than we realized and he can't take the time off work. My ds said "oh well" in this gleeful voice. We turned, shocked, and reprimanded him. And he said, "what, I don't want him to go" in a way that was just rude and mean. Hurtful. Hateful. I think I would ignore this. He didn't want to go and isn't able to think how his responses affect others. This is something that would be worked in speech. Since his diagnosis is fairly new, you haven't been "training" him to think or learn things like you would have if he were diagnosed when he was younger. Maybe have a talk about how it's hurtful to others. Use examples that directly impact him.

 

He is like this a lot lately. When he was called on it he said, "sorry!" in a snotty voice, like we were crazy and he wasn't sorry at all He wasn't sorry, and doesn't know/understand why he should be. Then when we said that wasn't good enough he started screaming that we wouldn't let him say he was sorry, he slammed door, banging things everywhere, etc.

 

He was sent to bed and he is not repentent at all.

 

I don't know what to do. I just don't.

 

I'm considering antidepressants, although honestly I don't know if I could even get him to take thm. His father has struggled with depression for years, and on and off antidepressants. The neuropsych didn't think the depression was bad enough to warrant them at the time. I just don't know.

 

When my daughter was about 7, my step mother took her to NYC for a fun filled day (high school teacher at the time, and took dd with her class on a field trip). Dd had a blast. The very last activity was getting an ice cream cone and walking through central park. Well, dd dropped her ice cream and was very upset. My step mother was mad at her for not appreciating the fun filled day. A few days later dd was looking at the map of the Museum of Natural History and called my step mother to talk about the really fun exhibits. She did have fun, but was tired and overstimulated at the time, so of course it was traumatic to drop that ice cream.

 

As long as you accept that he has asperger's and that he does not feel or process things the way you do, you'll make progress.

[simka2]

No, no meds at this point. The ADHD just isn't a major issue, and he is so thin I am too scared of him losing weight to use meds.

 

Just wanted to let you know that I had the same fears. Ds was a premie and has never been above the 2% in weight. We decided to try Aderall XR and it is working very well. He lost 1lb, but has leveled off since. That won't help with the other issues you are dealing with, but I thought I would pass on our experience. Hugs.

[Tammyla]

My nephew is a 13 yold aspie, asking him to look as though he means an apology (ie..not sounding snotty) is just beyond his abilities. He is trying, but really needs a lot of understanding as he wades though the teen years.

 

:grouphug:Boys are a hormonal handful at that age.

[ktgrok]

So, he's been better today. Which honestly reinforces my belief that he is capable of behaving better than he has been. The question I have now is, do I allow him to go to co-op tomorrow? It is social in that he gets to see his friends, but academic in that he will have art, music, and science class there. There is a brief time to socialize at lunch, but otherwise it is class time. I already told him he is not going to our weekly social meet up.

 

I initially said no co-op, but wasn't really thinking about the academic part. He isn't allowed to play outside, or use facebook, or his phone. I'm thinking that is probably enough for a punishment.